Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sometimes I am an awesome parent
Sure, I've got nearly eleven years of spectacularly fail-tastic parenting to my credit, but sometimes one brief, shining moment can make up forLike today when my kid is going to the Staples Center to see his very first NBA game (Clippers vs. the 76ers). Using my unmatched Google-ninja skills, I found some email address where season ticket holders can request the opportunity to go down on the court before the game and get autographs from the players.
But you're not season ticket holders for the Clippers, you're thinking.
I know, I know, but I was thinking that since it's New Year's Eve, there may be a pretty small crowd so maybe they'd bend the rules a smidge (also... it's the Clippers, the perennial underdogs of the NBA, you'd think they'd be grateful for every fan they've got).
So I emailed and asked.
And they said no.
So I asked if there was any way they could curve the rules just this one time because it's my kid's first game and he looooooves basketball so much and it would mean EVERYTHING. But, I said, I'll understand if you can't do it (you have to say that to anyone you ask to break their rules, it makes them like you more).
So, approximately half an hour from now, my kid will be on the actual hardwood of the Staples Center meeting actual NBA players. And I get an evening of pajamas, chick movies (and/or a Burn Notice marathon) and junk food.
This is what we call a win-win situation.
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting
Monday, December 28, 2009
so, the other night, IThe only redeeming part of the movie was Scarlett Johansson because she's awfully nice to look at with her cherubic blond curls and her ridiculous body.
In the movie, one character's husband (the kind of hot guy from "The Hangover") starts sleeping with Scarlett and the wife is fairly quick to get over that, but she decides she wants a divorce when she finds out that dude is smoking.
At first, I was like "um...", but when I thought about it more, I realized that I would totally co-sign that.
If I found out that my significant other was sleeping with Scarlett Johansson, I would be like... "Dude, seriously? Way to go! Do you have pics or video?"
but if he was smoking... "Ick. Gross. Bye."
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Dear Cat -
I understand that sleeping humans are irresistible to you and you love nothing more than to curl up on one of us while we are slumbering.
You might want to note, though, that it's a bit difficult for us to remain sleeping when you announce your arrival with five minutes of meowing, followed by five minutes of the purring that is about as quiet as a cement mixer.
If one is able to get back to sleep after that, I'll let you know that your precious chocolate face, radiating kitty breath, an inch from one's nose isn't exactly conducive to restful sleep either.
Just so you know.
xxoo,
me
Labels: letter to
Friday, December 25, 2009
Happy Birthday, Jesus
Jealous, bitches? But wait, there's more:
Yeah, does anyone love you enough to give you produce flavored dental floss? Didn't think so.
Also, I got these 2 pair of the most comfortable slippers ever (if, however, you ever see me out in public wearing either pair, you have my permission to punch me in the throat)
(for reference, the mark on the brown plaid slippered leg is my Cheshire Cat tattoo and the mark on my gray sweater slippered leg is a reminder of the time I listened to the internet tell me I could make my own sugar hair remover. The internet neglected to mention that, in addition to the hair, the molten sugar would be removing the top 3 or 4 layers of skin. Yes, I'm an idiot)
Merry Christmas, or whatever the hell you celebrate or don't!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
In my ongoing quest to manufacture foods readily accessible in any grocery store on the planet
Today, I made Wheat Thins.Yep, thin, crispy, perfect wheat crackers.
Okay, okay, maybe it's not as impressive as cheese (mozzarella, muenster, cream cheese and cheddar) or as drool-worthy as truffles or as necessary as homemade pizza dough, but they're yummy and they only contain 4 ingredients and I ate about an entire batch of them.
Seriously, though, if I stop shaving my pits or buy some patchouli oil or even consider a hybrid car, someone stop me, okay?
Friday, December 18, 2009
Tomorrow I'll expect zany sound effects and a talking rabbit.
Day two of my life turning into a cartoon.Today, as I plopped down on the couch to make up my weekly grocery list, I felt a sharp pain in my butt. I jumped up and turned around to find a cartoonishly large embroidery needle sticking out of my ass... which... whut? Why was there an embroidery needle on my couch? Was I mending socks in my sleep? Why do I even own an embroidery needle?
Don't worry, my hindquarters are sufficiently padded so as to avoid any serious damage. Yay for three weeks of eating Christmas cookies and not working out!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wherein my life turns into a cartoon
I'm walking out of the grocery store today, not really paying attention to much other than trying not to get run over by the crazy, distracted drivers in the parking lot when suddenly my left foot slips out from under me and I almost fall flat on my ass (fortunately I managed to steady myself on the cart and only looked like kind of a klutz).I turn around to see what possibly could have disrupted my graceful journey to my car and what do my wondering eyes behold?
A fucking banana peel.
The hell?
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Dear Women and Girls of Southern California (and, probably the rest of the world),
If it is warm enough for you to wear ass-cheek-baring shorts in the middle of December, it's too warm for you to be wearing those heinous Ugg boots. Please pick one or the other fashion misdemeanor.Thanks a bunch,
me
Labels: letter to
Monday, December 14, 2009
It's entirely possible that I rely on Firefox too much
When I write molasses* on my shopping list, knowing that I have spelled it wrong, and wait for the red lines to appear underneath it so I can get it corrected.*I've never cooked with it before, but I found a recipe for gingerbread biscotti, which will be good for gifting.
Labels: suzy fucking homemaker
Friday, December 11, 2009
You know what's weird?
The things that don't even seem weird to me - like coming home from grocery shopping to find a grocery store produce bag full of cooked, sliced and frozen meat on my doorstep.I just picked up the bag, tossed it into the freezer and went about my day. Eventually an explanation will surface.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Dear People in the Post Office,
I think we can all agree that no one likes being here, it's barely one step up from the DMV. I feel I should point out, though, that standing close enough to me so that I can feel your hot breath on the back of my neck won't make the line go any faster.To me, personal space is like bacon - necessary for life and there's no such thing as too much of it. And I'm will gladly cut anyone who wants to infringe upon mine.
I'm wearing my favorite vanilla lotion today, so I'm sure I smell just scrumptious, but still I'd like to take this moment to invite you to back the fuck up. Especially if you're going to mumble to yourself during our whole wait. Because that shit just makes it even creepier.
Looking forward to having some distance,
me
sidenote: how the hell did I not have one single stamp in my house? How do I have to go all the way to the post office to mail one freaking birthday card?
Labels: letter to
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Dear Spiders of the World,
I am willing to accept that you and I have to co-exist, no matter how much you creep me the fuck out - and I guess you're helpful in getting rid of other bugs (which may or may not be as creepy as you), so I appreciate that.
I would like to request, though, that you stay the hell out of my line of sight - I don't want to see you in my garage when I'm doing laundry, I don't want to wake up to find you stranded in my shower, and I most definitely do not need you webbing down in front of my face when I'm driving my kid to school - that's a great way to get all of us killed.
Work on that, would ya?
Thanks,
me
Labels: letter to
Monday, December 07, 2009
guess the substance
*alternate title: the grossest photo I will ever post (hopefully)
No, it's not phlegm.
No, it's not napalm.
No, I don't need to call Ghostbusters (besides, I ain't 'fraid of no ghost).
It's
Wanna take a guess how much fun that was to clean? I squished, scraped, soaped and spritzed, but to no avail, it was like my worst Wonka nightmare.
And then I turned the non-splooshed half of the batch into peppermint marshmallows which combine the soft squishiness of marshmallows with the refreshment of toothpaste. Bleh. Apparently, the universe knew this and was trying to prevent it.
Note to self: try to pay attention to what the universe is telling you.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Surefire way to make me happy?a belly full of Thai food from the hole-in-the-wall Thai restaurant about a mile from my house. It's pretty much the cutest restaurant ever, tiny with mismatched tables and chairs and white walls that the owner lets you Sharpie all over.
Surefire way to make me huh?
Seeing "QUINN IS A SEXY BEAST" scrawled on the wall next to our table with a cartoon drawing of a boy. Quinn, of course, being my kid's name, and a fairly uncommon name, especially in our tiny little enclave of California's Central Coast. In the name of all that is holy, he's only 10, the word sexy needs to not be in his vernacular (or any other 10-year-old) for another 10 years (or more).
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting
Friday, December 04, 2009
Dear Rocket Scientist,
I know that "third time is a charm" is a popular expression, but... if my phone number wasn't your sister's phone number the other two times you called, it's still not your sister's number on the third try. Nor will it be on the fourth, fifth or sixth calls.Also, if I didn't speak Filipino the other times you called, I'm still not going to speak it this time. Or next time.
But you definitely get brownie points for your reluctance to give up, I guess.
Looking forward to you getting a clue!
xxoo,
me
Labels: letter to
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
hey, guess what!!!?!?!?!?!?
It's my sister's birthday. She's twenty-ten today. Go give her birthday wishes (and distract her from the fact that I have yet to ship out the package containing her birthday presents)