Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Dear My Child,

I get that you're proud of being tall (YOU'RE WELCOME since it's from my end of the gene pool) and are thrilled to be able to touch the top of every door frame in the house, but if I have to spend one more second of my life scrubbing your grubby fingerprints off of said door frames, I'm going to shove you into a burlap sack and drown you in the nearest river like a litter of unwanted kittens*.

So either cut that shit out, or learn to use a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.

xxoo,

me




*totally kidding, of course, I'd never do that to even one kitten, let alone a litter of them.

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, letter to

Text o' the Week

"idk. I really don't. I want to. Like not enough to have all the answers, because that would be boring, but enough to co-exist without tragedy... would rule."


~ Someone I've known more than half my life upon receiving a late night query from me on one of the great mysteries of the universe (I forget what the original question was, something about why girls are so weird... or maybe how they get the get the yellow and white stuff inside those Cadbury Eggs).

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Phrase o' the Day*

*okay, technically, if you want to get all semantical, it was the phrase of the day from yesterday**, but whatev, let's pretend I'm on a tape delay.

** sure, I could have mitigated the hassle by declaring it the Phrase o' the Week, but it's only Tuesday and I don't really want to make that commitment at this point in time

Monday, March 29, 2010

Dear Bra Manufacturers,

You may or may not be aware of this fact, but many of the girls who are charter members in the Itty Bitty Titty Committee don't even need to wear bras on a regular basis. I can't help but wonder how come they have 70 kajillion super cute bra options while girls whose chests require support on a regular basis are stuck trying to decide between flesh-toned, industrial contraptions your grandmother would call conservative or spangled and glittered stripper wear.

Did it ever occur to any of you that some of us whose cups might runneth over might want to be able to go to a normal store and buy something sweet off the rack (tee hee, I said rack)? Could we maybe get something both supportive AND adorable? Support-dorable?

I happen to like my fun bags, and if you guys could act like you don't hate anything bigger than a B-cup, that would be really cool.

Think about it, k?

Thanks,

xxoo

Labels: letter to

Friday, March 26, 2010

This shit was NOT listed on the side of the bottle

So for the last 2 weeks, I've been adjusting to my 3rd brain-chemical-leveling medication and this one seems to be working except for one MAJOR side effect - it has turned me into June Fucking Cleaver.

As I type this, I'm wearing a dress. A dress. Why? Am I going to a wedding? Or funeral? Or job interview? No. I'm just wearing a damn dress.

And over that dress? I'm wearing an apron. A damn apron?

And in the kitchen? A batch of homemade pretzels is rising and a new recipe for chocolate chip cookies is cooling.

And my living room? Spotless.

My front yard? Weedless.

My bathroom? Soap-scum-less.

My damn legs? Hairless.

I spend every day cleaning the house. I can't even walk out the door if there are dirty dishes in the sink.

And don't even ask me how many loads of laundry I've fluffed and folded lately.

If you know me, you know all of this is in sharp contrast with my personality.

Are we treating depression or turning me into a Stepford chick? If I buy a string of pearls or talk about voting Republican, somebody better stage an intervention.

Labels: le crazy, suzy fucking homemaker

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I know I'm usually not so good with being open about my feelings, but I've got to get this out -

Dear Timothy -

I know we don't really know each other all that well, if at all, really, but... well, I gotta tell you, I've got a bit of a crush... okay, maybe it's more than a bit of a crush, but I don't really know what to call it. I want to write your name on my Trapper Keeper, I want to make you a mixtape of songs that remind me of you, I want to pass you a note before History class, I want to make my BFF call you and hang up when you answer...

This whole thing is so new to me, it's really taken me by surprise, I'm just so... I don't know.

A while back, I wrote you off as the creepy/skeevy guy from "Scream 2". Since then, I've made it a point not to see anything you've done since (even that Jennifer Garner movie, which was tough because I think she's adorable [and I'm a sucker for chick movies when no one is around]), but two weeks ago, on the advice of someone on Twitter, I checked out your new show, "Justified" and - oh. em. gee - when did you become totally hot? (Apparently, I'm a bit late to the party, as "Timothy Olyphant hot" nets over 233,000 results on Google and "Timothy Olyphant creepy" has a mere 24,400 results, and, for the record "Timothy Olyphant skeevy" only brings up a paltry 774 results.)

What happened to you in the 13 years since "Scream 2"? Whatever the heck it was, please please please keep it up. And consider being my Valentine... or my next husband... or my lovah... or my baby daddy... hell, I'd even settle for you being my neighbor who forgets to close his bedroom window when he's working out or some guy who jogs past my house with no shirt on.

xxoo,

me

Labels: letter to, what about your friends

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Last month (or whenever) on my first appointment with the sleep specialist.

Sleep Doctor: I'm going to write you a prescription for Ambien, but I don't want you to take it every night, just take it when you absolutely need it.

Me: Okey dokey!

So, even though it gives me the most delicious sleep, I was a super good patient and only took it when I absolutely needed it.



This morning on my follow up appointment with the sleep specialist.

Sleep Doc's Medical Student (after reading my file and studying my hastily filled out this morning diligently filled out all month sleep diary): It looks like you're able to sleep all night when you take the Ambien.

Me: Yeah, it's amazing.

Sleep Medical Student (looking at me like I'm an idjit): Then why don't you take it every night?

Me: Herp derp, why didn't I ever thinka dat? Golly gee whiz, all them years of book-learnin' in med school dun made you so darn smart!

Okay, I didn't actually say that. I explained to her that the doctor instructed me to take it on an as-needed basis. Then I calmly pointed out that her zipper was down. Then I proceeded to disregard everything that came out of her mouth because homegirl...

1) didn't bother to read the file
2) can't dress herself
and
3) clearly isn't respected enough around the office for anyone to save her the embarrassment of walking around with her pants gaping open.

On the upside, I got a new scrip for Ambien with a handful of refills on it. W00t!




Sidenote - it's a sign of how bad the economy is when the sleep specialist doctor has to diversify into body piercing...

Monday, March 22, 2010

You know what's cool about spending half a day weeding the front yard?

• making the front of the house look better (duh)
• soaking in the buttery California sunshine of a gorgeous Spring day
• finding one of the trees to be packed with ladybugs and their creepily cute larvae
• feeling a sense of accomplishment and having a trashcan full of evidence that I do more than surf internet porn watch CSI all day
  

You know what's not cool about spending half a day weeding the front yard?

• apparently being allergic to something in the yard and getting a case of the itchies
• sandy dirt in my eyes, down my shirt and between my toes
• reaching for a weed and getting a handful of snail - ew
• flirting with the cute Bulgarian boy next door in an unsuccessful attempt to talk him into detailing my car when he was done detailing his boss's (my landlord's)*

*WTF stupid language barrier making him immune to my charms?**

** or maybe it had something to do with me being sweaty and caked in dirt

Friday, March 19, 2010

100 things - updated

so... every blogger does those cheesy lists of 100 useless (and not useless) bits of information about him or herself and my last one was... a few years ago, so - I figured I'd write up a new one -

1. I love cilantro
2. My first car was a baby blue 1969 VW Bug
3. I don't have a passport
4. I like being different places, but I don't like traveling
5. I'm a great singer when I have my iPod on
6. Without my iPod, strangely, I can't carry a tune in a bucket
7. My hair is naturally wavy, which suits my personality, but I prefer to wear it straight
8. I am incredibly accident prone.
9. I have an etsy shop
10. I like buying underwear
11. I like buying eyeshadows
12. I like window-shopping for cameras and kitchen equipment the way some women like shopping for designer purses and expensive shoes
13. I'm more prone to wearing lip gloss or lip balm than lipstick
14. Mandarin oranges are my favorite citrus fruit
15. I very rarely answer my phone
16. I prefer to communicate via email or text messages
17. I love attention, but only in small doses and only when I'm on the mood for it
18. I don't tan, I go from pasty white to pink, than back to white the next day
19. I get little cinnamon freckles across my nose in the summer
20. I'm German, Irish, Dutch and English
21. Sometimes I'm a little bit OCD
22. I often buy things in pairs (I mean things other than stuff that comes in pairs naturally)
23. I have weird rituals I do on a daily basis (not rituals rituals, just rituals)
24. I overthink EVERYTHING
25. I can come off as standoffish, but I'm mostly just shy/awkward
26. I'm extremely moody
27. I have a very short temper
28. I'm just as quick to get un-mad as I am to get mad
29. I'm usually only serious about 32% of the time
30. I don't like to lie, but this doesn't mean I always tell the whole truth
31. I'm a useless information junkie, I can't imagine my life without google
37. I don't like feet - at all - not my own, not anyone else's - they're just icky
32. I used to hate being tall, but I kind of like it now
33. The only problem with being tall is finding jeans that are long enough
34. I used to hate my big lips, but I kind of like them now
35. I have cartoonishly not-cute feet, they're Flintstone feet
36. I like the way my toenails look when they're painted
37. I like shoes - not in that cliched girly-expensive-high-heel way, though
38. Speaking of cliched girly stuff, I don't like things like roses, gold jewelery or expensive purses
39. I'm terrible at wrapping presents
40. I have an irrational dislike for greeting cards
41. Sometimes I don't think before I speak
42. Often, this results in me saying the wrong thing at the wrong time
43. I think "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips is one of the best songs ever written
44. I tend to compartmentalize people in my life, no one gets to see all the compartments
45. I like to sleep
46. I like wearing pajama bottoms
47. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with horses and the Smurfs
48. I'm indigenous to Southern California but I've lived in 4 other states
49. I have to have coffee within 10 minutes of rolling out of bed
50. I have 1 dog, 2 cat, 4 snakes, a bearded dragon and a kid
51. If I had the room, I'd love to have goats and chickens because I fell in love with them with I worked at the farm in Texas (go donate if you can, they always need it)
52. "Hot Fuzz" is one of my favorite movies
53. "Valley Girl" is another
54. "Gladiator" is another
55. "An Affair to Remember" is another
56. I played roller derby for about 2 years in 2 different cities
57. Sometimes I really miss skating (but I don't miss the headaches that come from dealing with 20-30 total bitches strong-minded women.)
58. I still have a spectacular collection of knee socks from my derby days
59. I love the smell of fabric softener
60. I don't have a favorite color
61. I'm extremely nearsighted (but will never be seen in public in my glasses because they make me look like a bug)
62. For me, a perfect day would be a day spent taking pictures
63. Another perfect day would be a day spent in an Ikea
64. I like experimenting with stuff - I'd be a scientist if I owned a lab coat and had finished college
65. Sometimes I make bad decisions on purpose, just to see what will happen
66. My two front teeth are fake, I knocked them out falling off of a bike in 7th grade
67. I don't have any tonsils
68. I don't make friends very easily
69. ... tee hee, 69
70. I can be incredibly immature (see above)
71. When I find someone interesting, I will ask him or her a million questions
72. I'm extremely picky about how my eggs are prepared, I like them over-medium or scrambled provided there is no slime
73. My kid is the funniest person on the planet
74. When he's not being the funniest person on the planet, he drives me insane
75. I have 10 tattoos and plan on at least one or two more
76. My sense of touch is my favorite of my 5 senses
77. Rapid City, South Dakota is one of my favorite cities
78. I'm semi-persnickety about punctuation and grammar
79. I have a lot of "old lady" hobbies like collecting dolls and doing embroidery, but I make them cool
80. I sleep with my feet sticking out from under the covers
81. I like word games
82. I'm sporadically lactose-intolerant
83. I make my own cheese and bread
84. I like reading biographies
85. Seriously running out of stuff to say here
86. My favorite salad dressing is bleu cheese
87. I'm a polite driver, always use my turn signals, even when no one is around
88. I hate being stuck in traffic
89. I've wanted to be a writer since I was in 2nd grade
90. I drink a lot of water
91. When I was younger, I experimented a tiny bit with drugs, tried smoking and tried to be an alcoholic, but none of them stuck
92. I hate putting my duvet into my duvet cover
93. I exfoliate on a regular basis
94. I like getting email (except stupid forwards and chain e-mails - if you send me those, I'm so blocking you)
95. I have a MySpace, Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr, but I really hate all that social networking crap - I don't need that many updates from ANYONE, nor does anyone need to know that much about the minutiae of my life
96. Much of my humor and/or thought processes are inappropriate
97. I always carry my camera with me
98. I never apologize for anything (mostly because I'm never wrong)
99. I've got a comeback for everything
100. If you manage to render me speechless, even momentarily, we're going to be friends forever

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

crap, two non-snarky posts in a row?

Sorry about that.

Um... boobs.

Labels: boobs

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Parenthood - every day is a learning experience

Anyone who has kids, or has spent any time around a baby knows how excruciatingly cute it is when they fall asleep on your chest.

If you'd asked me yesterday, if I thought it would be just as cute when The (now 11-year-old) Kid crawled onto the couch to take a nap on me - I would have said "of course, you silly cow" - especially now that he IS a "big kid" and isn't nearly as cuddly as he was before he was able to flee my sporadic moments of affection.

And it was cute... for about five minutes, until the weight of his 5'2", 70-something pound body made one of my arms and one of my legs fall asleep. Also, sleepy kid Dorito breath is not nearly as endearing as sleepy baby milk breath. Who knew?

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting

Friday, March 12, 2010

It is a universal fact -

If you happen to go to the store on Friday evening, because you feel like crap and are wondering if it's possible that there's some over-the-counter remedy you haven't tried, and you also need Capri-Suns for The Kid's lunch and probably some laundry detergent and maybe some light pink nailpolish because you're kind of on a nailpolish kick right now and you are sadly without any subtle colors - and you happen to find The Most Effing Adorable Ruffled Panties that you kind of have to get, not because you have any reason whatsoever to wear ruffled panties, but just because they are OMG SO CUTE - it will happen that The Most Effing Adorable 19-Year-Old Boy Cashier is the only cashier working and those fetching panties? Will be the only thing in your basket that doesn't scan properly, so the OMG SO CUTE boy will have to spend what feels like three and a half hours typing in the code thing while the line builds up behind you and there are approximately sixty-seven people in your town who are now privvy to your adorable, ruffled underwear ownership.




please note: these are not my ruffled panties (nor my semi-mannish torso, nor my or suntan pantyhose - shout out too 1985, whaaaat?)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Pro-tips if you happen to ever have the misfortune to find yourself cohabitating with me.

1) Yes, I do need 4 shampoos and 6 conditioners in the shower. You don't need to ask why, I just do.

2) Putting any of my favorite kitchen knives either in the dishwasher, or in the wrong drawer increases the possibility of said knife being plunged into your person.

3) Sometimes I watch girl movies when no one is around - should you interrupt this and say something asinine like "What are you watching?" could make my fingers itch to find one of those aforementioned knives.

4) When the dogs start their pee dance by the back door, you are just as capable as I am of letting them out. Maybe moreso if you happen to be closer.

5) If I've spent the better part of the day curled in a fetal position on the couch, huddled under several blankets, looking like day-old roadkill and emptying the medicine cabinets of any and all over-the-counter cold remedies, repeatedly asking me "what's wrong?" is just a dumb idea.*

5) a) If I'm sick on the couch and clearly dying of ebola/sars/hanta virus/the common cold, continuing to bug me because your dinner and/or dessert aren't ready yet is also a bad idea.

5)b) If I'm sick on the couch and clearly dying of ebola/sars/hanta virus/the common cold, and I manage to pry myself off of the couch to not only make Italian sausage and potato soup, but to also make brownies FROM SCRATCH, your non-sick ass had better show a little appreciation because otherwise I'm going to breathe on your face and lick your toothbrush when you're asleep.



*You know, it's not an especially hard concept - if I'm sick, leave me alone - I'll get my own water, get my own medication, and, yes, I'll make sure you don't starve in this house full of food - don't check on me every five minutes, don't offer me another blanket, and for the love of all that is holy, don't WAKE ME UP to see if I need anything.

Basically, unless the house is on fire or George Clooney has shown up at the front door looking for someone to make him empanadas or bear his children, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

Labels: suzy fucking homemaker

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Shit

Shit that's bugging me right now

• allergies
• allergy headaches
• allergies making me tired all the time
• this season of American Idol
• that there is no antidepressant that works IMMEDIATELY
  
• my hair, I want to cut it all off
• my own lack of motivation
  
• people who underestimate me
• stupid people
• selfish people
  
• flaky people
  
• people in general
  

Shit that is not bugging me right now

• Psych, that show will never not make me happy
  
• this makeup, it makes me happy
• a warm bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon and fresh strawberries
  
• having access to fresh strawberries
• mandarin oranges - in addition to being delicious, they're sofa king cute
• pajamas
• finally figuring out how to delete people from Facebook
• parmesan cheese
• DRUNK HULK'S TWITTER
• Jesus's Twitter (so so wrong in so many ways)
  

Sunday, March 07, 2010

what was I saying?

I always joke that I have a very short attention span and am easily distracted by small shiny objects.

If anyone had ever doubted that - this morning, I was writing one of my rare, generally genuine posts that would possibly leave me feeling a bit vulnerable and almost regret-y about writing it - it was something about how I compartmentalize things and people in my life and I have a place for everything and keep everything (and everyone) in its place and how it's weird when those compartments collide (or when people I know "irl" read the blog and then I sort of feel all weird and possibly censor-y)... but then I started watching "The Breakfast Club" and all I can think about now is 1985 Judd Nelson's head between my thighs.


Sidenote: what's up with all the awesome 80s movies on Sunday mornings? Thanks, Comcast.

Sidenote part II - Electric Bugaloo: I just realized this movie is where I got one of my favorite lines; "Sweets, you couldn't ignore me if you tried" - I totally use that all the time (generally sarcastically, but sort of not because being ignored is my biggest pet peeve).

Sidenote III - in 3-D: I really really really really hope Hollywood never tries to remake this movie, because... really.

Friday, March 05, 2010

How to know when your Lady Gaga obsession has gone too far

So I'm in the grocery store today, buying, you know, groceries, and at the checkout, I happen to see the newest issue of Cosmopolitan - which I generally hate because it's all "buy this $50 lipstick and you'll be a supermodel" and "What to do with a naked man!", but Le Gaga was on the cover, so I tossed a copy of it in with my food.

The cashier scans the magazine and hands it to me. "Hey, is that Lady Gaga?" he asks.

"Yep."

"Doesn't she kind of look like Gwen Stefani?"

"Um... yeah, maybe a little bit. She sounds a lot like her on some songs."

"Does she? I haven't really listened to her."

"Oh, you should," I gush. "She's really amazing." I can't even believe the words as they're coming out of my mouth, they just fall out.

The cashier kind of stares at me for a second. "So, uh, do you ever, like, dress up like her and grab the hairbrush and sing in your mirror?"

"No!"

He continues staring at me.

"Okay, maybe once, don't tell anyone," I laughed.

He just nods.

"I'm serious, if anyone finds out, I'll come back and hurt you."

Yeah, I threatened a cashier over Gaga. Great, now I have to find a new grocery store. (Also, for those playing along at home, this is the second time in a year that's happened. I'm going to have to start ordering groceries over the internet.)

~~~~~~~~

Also, apropos of nothing, quickest way to endear yourself to me? Offer me candy (especially one of these) the first time we meet. Seriously, it's like the fast lane to BFF-hood.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Are you fucking kidding me?

How am I supposed to be able to sleep when things like this exist in the world? Especially when things like this exist in my LIVING ROOM? I mean, is this even allowed outside without a leash?

Please note that I took my life into my own hands in putting a quarter this close to that creature to show scale.

Also, when I grabbed the broom to shoo the thing back outside (because I am physically incapable of killing something this big), it started RUNNING TOWARDS ME - galloping even!!! So I squealed, swept at it again and am now going to keep my fingers crossed that it is actually outside and not hiding in my broom plotting to creep out and crawl on me in my sleep.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Oh, Ambien

Did you really make me tell someone I was typing with shrimp tails on my fingers? Where did that even come from?