Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dear My Landlord*

I know English isn't your first language, so let me help you out with a couple things -

First, "can I ask you a personal question" is an auspicious beginning to any conversation and sure to put the other person on the defensive. And then when it turns out you just need help attaching a document to an email, it seems kind of dumb. My mad computer skillz are not really that personal to me.

Second, to paraphrase Inigo Montoya - you keep saying "to make a long story short", I don't think that phrase means what you think it means. Whenever you say it, in fact, I know I'm in for at least another 30 minutes of chat. Unless, of course, the long version of the story begins with "and God said 'let there be a big bang'..." in which case, I guess, you should stick with it.

Third, mentioning your friend back in Bulgaria who is "the same age" as me, then saying "you know, 40" is NOT cool. Even when I am 39 years, 364 days old I will take umbrage at that.

Fourth, and this has nothing to do with language, but I don't need to know AAAAAANY of the details regarding how approximately seven seconds after you and your wife split, you hooked up with a woman "over 20 years younger". I mean, congrats on the upgrade and all, and your new chick seems nice, but... go ahead and keep those details to yourself, if you would.

And lastly, and this has nothing to do with language either, thank you for the huge box of strawberries that are so perfectly ripe I will have to eat them all today. Yum.

thanks a bunch,

me


*I initially typed "landLOLrd', which was kind of funny

Labels: letter to

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Dear Lady in Old Navy

I don't understand why, when you saw me heading towards the rack of clearance t-shirts, you became turbocharged and raced to get there before me. You almost knocked over someone's child to beat me there.

Really?

First of all, there are enough super soft $4 t-shirts to go around.

Second, and most importantly, you are a stick figure with mosquito bite boobs. I am... not. There is no way on this planet or any other that you and I are going to be wearing the same size.

If you could just hold on to that competitive streak for times when it matters like getting in line at Disneyland, that would be great.

Thanks,

me

Labels: letter to

Saturday, August 28, 2010

So I'm at my friend's daughter's wedding reception today, feeling very un-Mormon and very uncomfortable* and I see one of the waitresses heading towards our table with a bottle of something that looks suspiciously like wine - I generally don't drink wine, but I was totally willing to make an exception in this case... then she set the bottle down on the table and it was grape juice. DAMN!

But the food was amazing (I will honestly die if I don't get to eat another strawberry/bleu cheese/spinach salad very soon), the setting was unbelievable, the bride and groom seem absolutely adorable and the wedding dj was appropriately goofy.

And my primary care physician was there (whut???), and so was the lieutenant governor of the state (whut whut????). But weirder than that was one of the groom's sisters who had quadruplets - 4 adorable boys with blond hair, blue eyes and bow ties on their little suits, they couldn't have been more than three-years old. I spent half the reception marveling at how she was able to look calm, cool and really pretty (like Jenny McCarthy with smaller boobs) with 4 little boys. Then I realized that she also had a younger daughter. How do you give birth to a litter of children - no matter how cute and blond - and then even consider putting out the "Open for Business" sign on your uterus ever again? If that were me, I would have gone home from the hospital after birthing that brood wearing a chastity belt.

And I wish I had pictures of this house, it looked like a hotel - it was bigger than the mall in town - and I had my camera with me, but since I don't really know the family, I didn't want to be the creepy person creeping around the grounds taking pictures. But here's a picture of the way up there -


it's in the middle of nowhere, but the drive is gorgeous... although, I can't imagine living that far away from the city - some days it's enough for me to get my kid to school which is a half mile away from the house. And I've never once remembered to get everything I need at the grocery store.




*partly because I was around a bunch of people I didn't know and partly because I was wearing a dress I'd never worn before (it wasn't the dress I'd intended for the reception, but the cute flowered sundress I'd originally planned to wear decided it didn't want to cover up my spectacular rack and popped one of its skinny little straps right before we were getting ready to leave, and I didn't have time to bust out the thread and needle, so I changed into this cute wrap dress I got off of eBay - it's just as well, I suppose, I would have hated for my outfit to go all wardrobe-malfunction at the Mormon fest)

Labels: boobs, I take pictures, I'm a jackass

Friday, August 27, 2010

to the person who didn't believe I wore tube tops

here.

I'll take "Things To Keep To Yourself" for $500, Alex

Dear Lady at the Dog Park with two yappy dogs,

Why, within five minutes of arriving at the park* this morning did I know that you'd been in jail twice, rehab once, in two different homeless shelters, had your dog given away by your mom, almost had your kid taken by the state, have now been clean for 4 years and are nearly 26?

Oh, right, because you have NO CONCEPT of appropriate small talk and are, apparently, completely blind to social cues.

This is the dog park - we talk about shit like the weather and our pets. Please try to be a bit more shallow in your conversational topics.

thanks,

me




*why, yes, that is pretty much my only social life, thanks for pointing that out

Labels: letter to

Thursday, August 26, 2010

In the dictionary, next to the word "altruism" there is probably a picture of me*

1) yesterday's equation of too much sun plus too little sunblock plus cute tank top equaled today's bright pink shoulders. Like any normal person, I spent today in a tube top, slathered liberally in my favorite coconut lime lotion. This evening, however, I have to attend a Back to School thing for The Kid and I have to meet a new teacher and new principal and, instead of them thinking of him as the student with the scruffy, sunburnt, tattooed mom, I am sacrificing my comfort by wearing a bra and a t-shirt.

2) My Mormon friend's daughter is getting married tomorrow - of course, I can't go to the wedding because I don't know the LDS handshake - (which is fine, I kind of hate weddings anyway) but I've agreed to go to the reception on Saturday even though I will a) have to wear a dress and b) most likely not be getting any booze there.

Could I be more of a giver?


*hopefully not from today because my hair is so not cute

Labels: I'm a jackass

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

how not to make a new friend

this morning, I take my mutt to the dog park and we're there alone for a while until this cute tattooed boy comes in with his pitbull-ish dog.

We talk about dogs and stuff, then start talking about tattoos, he asks where I got one of mine, I tell him and ask where he gets his done - he rattles off the names of a bunch of local shops and artists.

"Oh, so you're kind of a whore?"

He shrugs.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A while later he's talking about the store he owns and I ask what store.

him: [local business next to my eye doctor]

me: I know where that place is, you're next to my eye doctor. I've seen your commercials

him (cringing): they're awful.

me: they totally are! But local commercials are supposed to be awful. At least yours are better than those cheesy tanning salon commercials, you know the ones with those supertan girls...

him: my girlfriend is one of those girls

me: ...

(a few minutes later)

me: wait... is that you in the commercials wearing the super tight sweater?

him: ...




and here's my dog, frolicking -

Labels: I take pictures, I'm a jackass

Pro-tips for the day

if you're ever looking for sympathy from me - texting me from your family's beach house to complain that it's been raining all day is not the way to get it.

if you decide to send your friend a birthday text at midnight - you probably shouldn't take an Ambien prior to that because it will take for-effing-ever to send that text on your dumb non-keyboarded phone and you'll also end up saying something ridiculous like "sorry, I don't speak Portuguese"

Labels: I'm a jackass

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Today, I had to go to Walmart to buy some stuff and, as usual, the people of Walmart (especially the moronic fuckfaces in the parking lot none of whom know how to drive, park or even fucking WALK in the fucking* parking lot) made me feel nearly homicidal, so I decided to stop by the Petsmart in the same parking lot to see the rescue kittens they have there and pick up some crickets for the lizard.

As usual, a few minutes of playing with kitties put me in a much better mood, then as I was heading towards the registers, I passed a woman with a baby bloodhound in her cart - he had a tiny little pinhead and big giant velvet ears and enormous paws and she named him after the dog from "The Fox and the Hound". I was just about ready to steal him until she started talking about how gigantic his poops are.

"I have a Jack Russell," she said. "And he has such tiny ones, but his are big old human-sized poops!"

Before I bid her farewell, I reminded her that when he's full grown, he's going to have Brontosaurus-sized ones.

And because I was too busy squeeing over the puppy to take a picture of him, here is a picture of how my cat demonstrating the proper technique for relaxation: -



and, because I like to illustrate just how ridiculous my life is, here is a picture of what I bought at Petsmart today -



Yes, it's a "Can O' Crickets" - and can you see what it says on the side? "Natural juices locked in the can". You can't even imagine the smell.



*fun fact: I shout more expletives in a Walmart parking lot than anywhere else in the world - I even get creative, I muttered "you motherfucking goat humper" at some old man who trapped me in a parking space for five minutes while he maneuvered his giant SUV in and out of a spot that was way too small for it.

Labels: I take pictures

Monday, August 23, 2010

Okay, I'm sure there are valid reasons for needing to own an SUV the size of Rhode Island -

maybe you have seven kids, maybe you drive your five Great Danes everywhere, maybe your windowless van was too obvious for hanging out in front of the junior high looking for your next victim girlfriend, maybe you're using it to compensate for your tiny penis, maybe you just like spending lots of money on gas -

I don't know and I don't particularly care, HOWEVER, if you insist upon driving such an enormous vehicle, the absolute least you could do is learn to keep that thing within the confines of one single parking space.

Not two spaces. Not one and a half spaces. One space.

Labels: just sayin'

Sunday, August 22, 2010

om nom nom

Within the past week, I've been bitten by 2 snakes*, 1 lizard** and one of my favorite dogs*** at the dog park.****

I'm thinking the universe is trying to send me a message.

And clearly, that message is that I'm DELICIOUS! 





* probably my fault, they were hungry and I may or may not have smelled like the food I was preparing to feed them

** possibly my fault, I was hand-feeding him some banana (apparently, his favorite food), it was kind of squished on my finger and he was super excited about it.

*** not completely my fault, he's a rescue dog who was abused previously, I was petting him and my phone fell out of my pocket, I reached for it and I think I scared him, so he nipped at my hand.

**** possibly noteworthy, I was momentarily surprised, but not scared by any of these bites. Then, the other night when I saw a small spider skittering across the living room floor, I was so freaked out that I squealed like a little girl and grabbed a chair to kill it. A chair. Overkill much?

Labels: I'm an idiot

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I have weird dreams.

Last night's (non-medicated) dream included a vulture, a peacock, an offer to move to New York, a cool (shared - because even in my dreams I don't make enough to live there) apartment in New York, a nude baby doll, horseback riding and a pony.

Which means -

Labels: dream a little dream

Thursday, August 19, 2010

current mood: crabby*



*no, not really, it was a gorgeous afternoon and I got to spend some time at the beach and it was sofa king nice... of course, later I was bitten by a lizard and two snakes, so... that kind of put a damper on the day, but whatever.

Labels: I take pictures

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

all the colors of Fall

so this is what my hair looks like right now (five minutes ago, whatever)
please ignore the worst French braid EVER - I was raised by wolves and never taught to do it properly. Also, please ignore my baggy t-shirt and pasty white skin (not like I live twenty minutes from the beach or anything, right?).


And while I'm kind of getting used to the two-tone-ed-ness of it, it still feels so transitional, like I'm in follicular limbo.

And I hate being in between - as weird and temporary as things are in the world, I like things to be clearly labeled, I like the stability of the designations - friend or acquaintance, truth or lie, happy or sad, clean or dirty, brown or orange...

So I think I might be going full orange... red, whatever. Maybe that's what's been wrong lately, my hair is too pending for me to feel balanced.

Labels: le crazy

instant karma?

Dear Man In The Car Next To Me,

Yes, I totally saw you picking your nose. Don't try to play it off and act like you were just scratching it, your finger was way the hell up there. Just an FYI - your car windows aren't opaque.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Couple on the Street,

Yes, you totally saw me smelling my armpit. I won't even try to play it off like I was doing something else. What else could I have been trying to do? Something in my car smelled funky and I wanted to make sure it wasn't me (it wasn't).

Labels: letter to

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

like a casserole of topics

• when I have to buy something off of someone's gift registry, I always look for the most ridiculously useless thing on there - like a butter cutter or tomato huller - like if you're jackassinine enough to ask for that, you're going to have it taking up space in your kitchen.
• OMFG, school starts tomorrow
• I've had my hair the whole spectrum of colors (except blond) and I've generally come to accept that it looks best when I keep it a dark chocolate brown. But at least once every year or so, I decide to do something funky with it, whether it's dying it burgundy or putting in streaks or whatever. A few weeks ago, I had a dream that I bleached the underside of it and I liked it, so I did it in real life. But those "highlights" came out too subtle, so I did it again and now my hair is 75% orange and 25% dark brown.  I don't hate it, but I'm kind of at a crossroad with it - do I cut it? do I give up and go back to brown? do I go red all the way? do I try for blond? do I invest in a cute hat?
• my newest job? The lazy matchmaker. I am convinced I can find anyone a marginally interesting date from the comfort of my own internet.
• My new favorite snack is popcorn with cinnamon on it
• did I mention that school is starting tomorrow?
• should I take it personally when I get an email from Walgreen's 2 weeks before I'm due for another refill to remind me to get my crazy meds filled? What are you trying to say, Walgreen's? How is it your business if I haven't left the house in 2 days?

Monday, August 16, 2010

Y'all, get out your monocles and kid gloves

Because August is National Win with Civility Month*.

When we are civil to each other, we confirm our worth and acknowledge the worth of others. We can move in and out of all levels of society confident that we are always doing the “right thing.” We gain recognition for civility, and we secure the respect of our fellow human beings. 


Even Ozzy the bearded dragon is into it.


*on that link, there's contact info for a guy "for info" - I would give a kidney to see the kind of emails he's gotten about this. Or to find out what kind of info he gives out, it's sort of self-explanatory, don't you think? Pretty much the only way it could be more transparent were if it were called National Don't Be An Asshole Month, amirite?

Labels: just... why?

Sunday, August 15, 2010

one track mind much?

So, a couple weeks ago, I took a picture of some twee little mushrooms and I decided to make it my desktop -


The only problem is - when I have a browser window open (98% of the time I'm on my precious iBook), it cuts off most of the bigger mushroom and leaves what looks like a boob on the side of my screen:


And then it becomes all I can see - the nipple-less mushboob, just hanging out there on the side of the screen. Of course, I could just change the picture - I have thousands of pictures on this computer, or I could move the browser window to cover it, but... honestly, my laziness knows no bounds sometimes. And it's just a boob - if I did cover it or change it, a certain boob nazi I know and adore would probably round up a herd of breastfeeders and stage a protest in my living room.

Labels: I'm a jackass

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Dear Cat -

We've already established that I adore you a stupid amount - enough to put a harness and leash on you and patiently walk you around the backyard so you can spend time outside, enough to let you wake me up at 2 in the morning so you can get under the covers and curl up with me, enough to let you take a nap with me and rest your little face on mine, but I do need to address a couple things -

1) the bathroom - yes, I close the door when I go in there, but it's not because I'm doing anything interesting - I promise - so there is no need for you to sit outside the door and squall like you're being murdered or jump up and try to turn the knob (spoiler alert: you don't have opposable thumbs, it's never going to happen). It's a bathroom with only one door, not a portal to another dimension, I'll be out in a minute.

2) Mornings - I don't mind you curling up next to me in the morning, whether it's 2AM or 7AM, I think it's cute. What I do not think is cute, however, is when you climb on me and decide to clean yourself. When I'm in bed asleep, that is the time for sleep, not the time for chewing on your toes or licking your junk.

Thanks a heap,

the person who feeds you

Labels: letter to

Friday, August 13, 2010

If caring is a crime, I should be locked away.

I have the amazing ability to make sense of anyone's life except mine - it's uncanny, really. So I often find myself giving out advice*.



Of course, like Lucy Van Pelt, I tend to give out advice under my terms - I was texting with someone the other day who was having some issue with his parents. Eventually (like, after 3 texts) I got tired of my dumb non-keyboard-having phone** and told him I was going to email him instead. He texts back that I'm being so nice and I don't have to listen to or respond to his complaining.

A normal person would have told him it was no problem blah blah blah, but I couldn't really be that nice, right?

"Would you just shut it and let me finish my email?"



*even though, if anyone wanted real advice, he or she should procure that from my sister, as she's actually trained for it and I'm just as likely to dole out shitty advice like "you should get a new tattoo" as I am to say anything marginally helpful.

** and I am physically incapable of abbreviating ANYTHING in a text - seriously, the other night, I actually typed out "okay". Like "ok" wouldn't have gotten my point across?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

letters

Dear Everyone in the World (with the possible exception of 1 or 2 people),

Stop being total fuckwits!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear me,

Stop acting like you're competing in the World Cup of Bridge Burning. Step away from the matches and gasoline.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear pms,

Stop making me want to google the most slow and painful ways to kill people.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear dark chocolate and salty snacks,

GET IN MY BELLY!!!!

Labels: letter to, note to self

Dear Hot(ish) Older Guy at the Dog Park,

You're one of the most normal regulars at the dog park, you're nice, you're pleasant, you don't carry on incessantly about stupid details of your pets, and my dog loves to play with your dogs.

I would like to address a slight issue with your attendance at the park. Why is it that every single time I'm at the park looking like crap - no makeup, unwashed hair, dirty t-shirt and baggy jeans - you show up within minutes of me getting there, but when I happen to have showered and be wearing makeup and wearing a cute(ish) outfit, you are nowhere to be found?

Could we set up some kind of schedule so I don't feel like a charity case when you flirt with me?

Thanks,

me

Labels: I'm a jackass, pointless whining

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Happy piece of cereal is happy

look at that, even with his eyes on the side of his square and his jacked-up smile, he's happy. This little Chex (... Check... Chek... what's the singular of Chex?) has everything figured out. If only we could all be so lucky*.



*please note, he's not really that lucky, he was eaten shortly after this picture was taken.

Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

the best compliment I've gotten... in a long time

 

Labels: squeee

The anatomy of my sympathy

someone: I'm sick, take care of me
me: have you taken anything for it?
someone: no, I don't have anything
me: no prob, Let me run to Walgreen's and get orange juice and chicken soup and medication.

the next day

someone: I'm sick, take care of me
me: did you take the medication I brought you?
someone: no, it was non-drowsy/night-time/cherry-flavored and I don't like that
me: oh... okay, let me go get something else

the next day

someone: I'm sick, take care of me
me: did you take the new medication?
someone: no, I forgot...
me: do you want to see a doctor?
someone: no...

the next day

someone: I'm sick, take care of me
me: I would like to take this moment to extend to you a formal invitation to shutthefuckup. Please RSVP at your earliest convenience.


The moral of the story is - I will be the best nursemaid ever, hands down. I will Florence Nightingale all over your ass, I will call in fifty favors and get Bono to hold a damn benefit for you, but my sympathy evaporates really quickly when it seems like you'd rather marinate in your virus and sickness and that icky feeling than take some steps to make yourself feel better. So basically - if y'all want to feel like shit, great, soak it up, wallow in it, start a Facebook page for it, but don't look for me to be holding a candlelight vigil at your bedside, I'll be doing something productive... like cleaning out my bellybutton lint or alphabetizing my spice rack.

Labels: I'm *not* an idiot

Monday, August 09, 2010

Finally, a business opportunity that's perfect for me -

"Can I pay for you to fly out here, kick me in the shins and trash my apt?"


Like you even needed to ask? I'm so sure.

Labels: what about your friends

How is summer almost over????

But you know what's great about the end of summer? Copious amounts of school supplies - I love the aisles full of folders and notebook paper and glue and crayons and protractors - ever since I was a kid, all of that stuff always felt like endless possibilities and fresh starts, give me a fully-stocked backpack and a pair of new school shoes and I am unstoppable... at least until the second week of school when the novelty wears off anyway.


Also, OMFG, SCHOOL STARTS IN A WEEK AND I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT!

Also, also, OMFG, MY KID IS GOING IN TO SIXTH GRADE, HOW AM I OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A SIXTH GRADER?????

Things I Cannot Do But Wish I Could*

• Draw
• Wear headbands
• Sing
• Play any musical instrument
• Kill bugs
• Go a week without injuring myself in some stupid way
• Wake up without my hair looking like it was stolen from a late 80s heavy metal video
• Remember to take a vitamin every once in a while
• Eat mushrooms

*this list is in no way complete

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Weekend texts are the most fun

Because I get have exchanges like:

someone: I'm in a very awkward situation right now
me: Physically or emotionally? If it's physically, loosen up the handcuffs. If it's emotionally... I got nothin'. Sorry.
someone: not physically. I'm at a gentleman's club and it's not what I thought it was*


and because I get to say things like -

"goat fetish, FTW"

"what are you, a species-ist?"

and

"brb, we've been so textually active, my battery is almost dead"



* unfortunately, I fell asleep and didn't get to find out why the gentleman's club wasn't what he expected... I'm pretty sure he didn't go expecting it to be a gentleman's club, filled with mahogany, cigars, leather-bound books and guys wearing monocles... Or maybe that's what it turned out to be? If I don't get an answer soon, I'm going to have to break down and actually make a phone call. Ugh.

Labels: what about your friends

Saturday, August 07, 2010

So, because my dog is an only dog now, I've been taking him to the dog park a lot lately, which features a whole cast of weirdos in itself (like the toothless guy who brings 5 dogs and yells at them the whole time, the guy with the 3 fluffy white dogs who won't shut up about his grooming regimen, and the hot-ish older guy whose dogs my dog loves) but I've recently decided that people who don't like dogs (barring some legitimately traumatic experience or serious allergy issue) aren't to be trusted.

 I almost sort of prefer cats, just because (specifically) my cat is the coolest life form on the planet and (in general) they always don't require as much attention as dogs (and when I'm having one of my unable-to-deal-with-anyone-or-anything days, the cat's needs can all be addressed in the house, but the dog needs to go out to pee, or go for a walk or whatever), but I still adore dogs in all their slobbery, bark-y, wagginess - how could you not?

What kind of a person doesn't like an animal that will nearly pee itself with joy just because you walked in the door?

An evil person. That's who.

seriously, if you can look at that face and your heart doesn't squish a bit? You're clearly a robot. An eeeeeevil robot.

Labels: sweeping generalizations

easily the quote of the week

No, I'm not currently enrolled in Snoop Dogg's Charm School for Proper Ladies, it was on Animal Planet.

Labels: just sayin'

Friday, August 06, 2010

You guys, we need to set aside our petty differences and come together IMMEDIATELY

Because the zombie apocalypse has begun. With an undead baby.


MEXICO CITY -- A newborn girl declared dead by doctors in Mexico surprised mourners when she came back to life inside her coffin.

Hidalgo state Attorney General Jose Rodriguez says the parents heard a strange noise coming from the casket during the baby's wake.

When they opened the coffin, they found the infant crying and very much alive.

The baby was born prematurely on Monday and was pronounced dead by a doctor at a hospital in the town of Tulancingo. The doctor is now being investigated for possible negligence, Rodriguez said.

The baby is in stable condition at a different hospital.

The doctor is being investigated for POSSIBLE negligence. Possible? Really? Like being able to tell the difference between someone who is alive and someone who is dead isn't something you maybe learn on day one of medical school?

Labels: can we talk about something else finally?

And the Miss Congeniality award goes to...

Me.



Wanna know my deepest, darkest secret?

I'm nice. To everyone. Well, I try to be nice to everyone. Even people who don't deserve it. Even people who aren't especially nice to me. And if I'm not nice nice, at least I'm not mean, I don't go out of my way to hurt people.

For reals, I am not cut out to be eeeeeevil.

Shocking, I know, but it's true. When I do or say something not-nice that might hurt someone, I almost always feel icky almost immediately.

For instance, if someone hurts me, like, really bad, like if someone purposely gives me a paper cut, one of those awful ones you get from manila folders, and then drips lemon juice on it, I would lash out and say or do something awful. Approximately thirty seconds afterward, I would feel like a jerk and do something nice to make amends. To the person who gave me a paper cut and put lemon juice on it.

What IS that?

Why can't I just be mean, period. Why can't I just tell them and their manila folder to fuck right off and then go get myself some frozen yogurt?

I've been like this my whole life.

But I'm trying to stop. Not stop being nice, because, really, that would be kind of an asshole move and aren't there enough assholes in the world (bluetooth wearers, I'm looking at you)? I'm going to try to stop countering meanness with meanness - because two wrongs don't make a right (but three lefts do...).

This doesn't mean that I'm just going to let people spritz their mean all over me like some cheap perfume sample in the mall and then walk away leaving me in a cloud of Chanel No. Jerk. I fully intend to call people out on their shit, but I'll do it in a nice(r) (or at least level-headed) way*. I'll say something like "That paper cut was kind of a dick move and the lemon juice was unnecessary. Maybe in the future, you'll think about why you want to hurt people before you hurt them. Now I'm going to go get some frozen yogurt, but I'm not inviting you to come with".

I'm not going to stop being nice because being nice makes me feel nice**, but maybe I'll just try to save most of my niceness - the niceness that says nice things and does nice things for no reason - for people who deserve it***.




*fingers crossed I can stop with the passive-aggressive ambien blogs about that shit

**or it makes me feel smug and superior about being on my high horse. Whatever

*** if anyone points out that the people who are the meanest probably need the niceness most, I will cut that person. But in a nice way, like with a REALLY sharp knife, so it won't hurt much and then I'll offer some antibiotic cream and a bandage. And a cookie.

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me", and I'm not even on Ambien

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Note to self -

Your brain is flakier than a delicious, buttery croissant, and that's fine - you're quirky, you're a space cadet, it's your thing - you forget simple words*, you lose track of sentences when you're in the middle of saying them, and you have forgotten to buy baking soda the last five times you were at the grocery store. No big, no one pays attention when you're speaking anyway and you've still got a half-full* can of baking powder.

But you really need to remember to take your cray cray meds on a regular basis because:

1) they keep your brain from feeling like a shaken (not stirred) snow globe.
2) they effectively restrain all those gross emotions and allow you to be logical and level-headed in nearly all situations
3) they keep you from turning into one of those girls who spends an inordinate amount of time doing things that might end up getting her labeled as "cuckoo for cocoa puffs", stuff like... oh, I don't know, let's say, hypothetically... checking someone's blog 40 times a day, or something***.
4) those meds might also enable you to maintain your pole position on the high road and keep you from being completely immature and reinforcing crazypants behavior by poking it with a stick paying attention to it... (but it's possible that Ambien might counteract that last one a smidge)

Maybe invest in one of those old people pill boxes. Then get some of those tan velcro shoes and maybe a kitty cat sweater.

Did I ever mention how bubblebath warm that Ambien makes me feel. It's warm and cozy and makes me want to wear furry slippers and just melt into bed. And the languid, liquid it gives me, i wonder if sleeping on a waterbed would make it better or worse.

Okay, I should probably go to bed since I'm taking on that chihuahua bobble head sort of thing. And all the people on tv are in doubles. and if I don't get to bed soon, I'm going to start seeing clowns out of the corner of my eye and then I'll have an ill-advised IM conversation, or send out a super ramble-y email or buy something completely unnecessary on eBay.

Okay, I should sign off before this trainwreck gets any wreck-ier...

xxoo


* just this week, I forgot "thermal" and "shingles" - not in the same sentence, but still.

** or is it half-empty? I don't know that I'd ever describe a package of something as "half-empty" - does that mean I'm an optimist? I do have an annoying habit of looking for the silver lining in every situation, no matter how craptacular.

*** please note I don't do that kind of stuff. No one is that interesting to me. No one.

Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am, le crazy, note to self

okay, so...

The Kid has been saving all summer for a bearded dragon - you know, because with the dog and cat and snakes we don't have nearly enough mouths to feed and he manages to find someone online* who is selling one with a tank and all the accoutrements.

He makes all the arrangements, clears the space in his room, blah blah blah - then it turns out that the lizard is in Bakersfield - OMG FUN, a 3 hour drive! - but whatever, not like I have anything else going on, right?

So we're on our way out the door and we find this on the front porch


Are you fucking kidding me? Do you SEE the size of that fucking thing? Christ, I'm going to put a saddle on it and name it Saffron (just kidding, I think I'll name him Ringo... get it, because he's a Beetle? Whatever)

Anyway, I suggested that The Kid keep him as a pet instead, but he insisted upon the lizard, so we went out the other door and hit the road.

And we drove... and drove... and drove



And we stop for gas in some town, and while I'm fueling up, I see a guy in shorts and a pink t-shirt pulled up over his belly. I run around to the other side of the car so I can get my camera. "You're not taking a picture of that are you?" The Kid asks. Are you fucking kidding me?

I know it's a crappy picture and my car windows are unforgivably dirty, but you can make out the shorts, the PINK t-shirt and the vast expanse of skin separating them, right?


And we get there and exchange The Kid's money for the white trash girl's lizard, Ozzy***


Oh, and the people were going on and on about how they care about the lizard and want to make sure he's well taken care of (they're only getting rid of him because the daughter who owns him is joining the military), blah blah blah - the dad says that we seem to know what we're doing and that we don't look like we're just going to toss him on the barbecue.

We all laugh. "Of course not!" I say. "At least not until he's bigger."

Awkward silence.



And then we drove home. And that fucking bug is still next to my door. If someone would come and get it for me, I would gladly pay you $5.22 out of my paypal account.


(not really) funny story - on the drive, we go over this bridge that's over a dry river bed. There's 3 signs all along the bridge stating that "Jumping is Prohibited". Because... if someone came to the bridge, bummed enough about his or her life to contemplate taking a leap, that person is going to say "well, I'm unemployed, I have no family, I'm completely heartbroken because my significant other is sleeping with 7 other people/has a goat fetish/is considering becoming a Scientologist and I have nothing to live for, but... I guess I can't jump from here because it's illegal. Maybe I'll just go rent a movie..."






*I don't know where, I don't monitor his internet usage, he's 11, I figure he's old enough to make his own decisions***

** if you think Ozzy is a bad name, I won't tell you about their cat, Puta

***I'm so sure. Can you imagine?

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, I take pictures

The sun'll come out, tomorrow*...

So, in last night's dream, I was, for some reason, being taken care of** by a rich blond lady who lived in a great house. Also, she had a chauffeur and we went to nice restaurants. And she had photographs of herself all the hell over the house - but whatever, she had money, she gets to be a narcissist, right?

photographs - To see a photograph in your dream, indicates that there is a relationship that needs your attention. You are not looking deep enough into the problem (STOP JUDGING ME, DREAMS - I will be as shallow as I want!!!!).


*accidentally appropriate because it actually IS raining here today - who knew it rained in California?

**not like I was a lesbian-gigolo (that sounds like a delicious Italian dessert)... I guess that would be a prostitute? Sugar baby? She was, apparently taking care of me because I needed a babysitter... so I guess I just want to be clear that I'm an idiot, not a whore... Yep, that's about right.

Labels: dream a little dream

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

I am terrified of sharks. Terrified. Like, to such a level that I won't go into water that is deeper than my ankles, especially if the water is murky or anything other than crystal clear and/or chlorinated.

Logically, I know that the chances of me actually being bitten by a shark are remarkably slim, but that logic just doesn't translate to the rest of my body*.

Being the masochist that I am, though, every year I watch the hell out of Shark Week. I will watch hours upon hours of footage of sharks swimming and eating cute little baby seals and listen intently to biologists and marine curators and shark bite victims and relatives of shark bite victims and anyone else who happens to get on camera.

This year, though, is different, better somehow - is it new shows, new footage, a new logo? Nope, new host - Craig Effing Ferguson. I love that man and would watch him read the back of a shampoo bottle**.

really, this whole post was just an excuse to post this -

It's sage advice - everyone should live every week like it's Shark Week. Everyone should approach every single day as though he or she needed to be home by 9/8c to see a show about the two thousand pound apex predators that lurk in the ocean waiting for an opportunity to eat you. If more people did this, I think we'd all be a little more clear on our priorities.




*and, yes, I love love love going to the beach to take pictures, it's easily my favorite way to spend a day.

** I mean, I would if the restraining order weren't in effect and I could get within 50 feet of his shower.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

so... yesterday, something happened and I found myself ankle-deep in a puddle of disappointment - and my disappointment was equally divided between being bummed about what happened and being bummed about not having seen it coming, so I was feeling a bit tenderized today and, in a move uncharacteristic of me, I spilled the troof, the whole troof and nothing but the troof to my BFF.

me: but I'm AWESOME at detecting bullshit

my BFF: I mean, clearly, right?

me: ...

my BFF: too soon?


Then my BFF compounded this unmitigated display of affection by, basically, telling me to pull my head out of my butt.

Too soon for that, too, (even if it was completely warranted) k?

Labels: what about your friends

Yesterday, I put streaks in my hair because I dreamed I had streaks in my hair and I kind of liked them.

That's the least weird part of my week thus far and it's only Tuesday.



(the streaks turned out a bit more subtle than I had expected - which is, of course, never my style, but I don't hate them)

Monday, August 02, 2010

so I was in the middle of writing this post about the different content filters I have for different friends and how sometimes I can be debating with one friend the virtues of nostalgia versus no-stalgia* and talking about what to say when a stripper asks you to pay her phone bill** with another friend, but then I got tired and went to bed.

And then last night in my non-pharmaceutical sleep, I dreamed that I had blond(ish) streaks in my hair and it actually looked kind of cool. I also dreamed that... my Aunt Flow was visiting (she's not... not that she's late or anything, no need to plan a second-coming party, she just visited a week or so ago... aren't you glad you know?).



*not surprisingly, I'm pro-no-stalgia, possibly because I've been on a cleaning-out binge lately, getting rid of way too much stuff (physical and emotional and email-otional) lately.

** the correct response was to suggest she "get a prepaid phone" or "be a better stripper"

Labels: dream a little dream, what about your friends