Thursday, September 30, 2010
Remember how in "Pretty Woman", the first time you saw Julia Roberts without that blond wig, you were like - "awwww, look how cute she is with her curly red hair"?
But now when you watch that movie, you're like - "man, her hair was really a mess"?
Yeah, my hair as looked like that for the past 2 days, which would be awesome if it were 1990, but seeing as it's not... well, the Sinead O'Conner look from 1990 is sounding better and better.
Labels: pointless whining
Hey, Oprah, I think I've found your replacement, this guy has completely figured out women!
I took the new dog to the vet today to make sure she's healthy, blah blah blah and, when I get home, I find my landlord watering the front yard.He asks how the new dog is working out and I tell him she's adjusting to us much better than we're adjusting to her, blah blah blah, she might still have too much puppy in her, blah blah blah, Baby Daddy and The Kid are spoiled by our other dog being older, mellow and not prone to stealing shoes and pens, blah blah blah, I'm super bummed about it because I think she's got potential to be an amazing dog, but I know she deserves a great home and, being young and purebred, I'm sure she'll be re-adopted quickly, blah blah blah...
Landlord interrupts me to explain how I need the new dog because Baby Daddy works all day and The Kid is older and doesn't need me as much, so I really either needed a new baby or a new dog, because that's just how women are and I should probably just issue an ultimatum that the dog stays or I get me a fertilized egg...
I didn't even... I couldn't even... I don't even... WHAT?
Labels: just... why?
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
License Plate O' The Day
So, way back, a billion years ago, when I livedThen I lived in Georgia and Texas and neither of those places had too many of those, and I hadn't seen any noteworthy ones here... until today.
I'm coming back from the grocery store and I find myself stuck at a stoplight behind some trashy car with a vanity plate that says:
BUSTY ONE
And, as though, that weren't the paragon of class, her license plate holder said "Bigger is always better"
I'm guessing she's... a sculptor?
Labels: just... why?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
because I'm too tired to write a post about my weird dreams from last night*
here is more spam of the new dog
 |
| close up of her tattoo |
*which included a pile of dead bats, a waterslide and making out with Russell Brand (ew) you know what's cool about being awake since 2AM because the new dog is freaked out about the dark/new place/phases of the moon/economic climate in Peru?
Nothing.
Oh, actually, it's kind of nice that it's less than the 2 million degrees it was all day (I really shouldn't complain, the weather here is usually paradise-ical, but for the few days a year it's really hot, it really sucks - and I'm all allergic, so in addition to being sweaty all day, I've been itchy and sneezy and completely miserable) other than that - nothing. For reals.
Labels: pointless whining
Monday, September 27, 2010
Kizz Kizz, bang bang
The squishy-faced little puppy girl who is getting the side-eye from my dog here is Kizzy, she lives here now.
She was found by Santa Barbara Animal Control as a stray in some park in Santa Barbara last month and no one ever came to claim her.
She's about a year old, she has a wiggly little thumb tail and she seems to think she's a lap dog (fortunately she's very small for a boxer, so it's not that bad)
But look at that face and tell me you wouldn't take her home -
EDIT: Boxer pic spam
Edit II: more boxer pic spam
Labels: I take pictures
Saturday, September 25, 2010
some people might find this tasteless
but I think it's comedy gold - the Humane Society in Santa Barbara is offering 25% off of the adoption fee of a 3-legged dog.
although the sign below it, the one warning against giving the dog treats because he's "dieting", is kind of mean. Oh, and naming a 3-legged dog "Dancer" is kind of mean, too (buuuuut, it could be noted that I wanted to adopt a 3-legged dog in Texas and name her Ilene... get it? I lean? Because she only had 3 legs?).
Labels: I take pictures
Maybe you should just stop talking
Dear Dog Park Douchebag,When I asked if your dog was neutered (I could see that he wasn't) and you told me that, not only were you planning to make some money on breeding him*, you liked having your balls, so you figured he liked having his, I figured that I wasn't going to like you.
When you admitted to me that you preferred the dog park where we were to the other dog park in town because "there are more white people here"**, I was positive that I wasn't going to like you.
When you took a break from your rampant xenophobia to brag about the full body Japanese tattoo you're planning on getting***, I began to actively dislike you.
When you mentioned your work, I was trying to be polite by asking what you did for a living. When you proudly announced that you "work with retards"****, I wanted to back over you with my car.
Thanks for reminding me why I usually try to avoid conversations with people.
- me
* because, really, there aren't enough dogs in shelters, please breed your ill-behaved husky
** I hate when racists assume that just because I'm white, I'm going to hate all other races like they do
*** I asked him if he was doing it to celebrate his Japanese heritage, he laughed and wondered why everyone asks that.
**** I asked if he was allowed to call them that and he claimed that most people didn't understand what he meant when he told them that he worked with "mentally disabled adults" - even if that were true, wouldn't it be possible to come up with a slightly less offensive term?
Friday, September 24, 2010
What do you mean I spend too much time on the internet?
The Kid, athletic little booger he is, decided to join his school's flag football team and they had their first game yesterday.I have zero knowledge of football, all I know is that there are 83 people on the field at all times, the whistle blows and they crash into each other. I don't understand the scoring or any of the rules or any of it.
But since The Kid is involved, I have to go to these games.
Yesterday, I'm sitting courtside (?) with the baby daddy and I ask him to explain the game to me.
him: okay, see Zack over there? He's the quarterback...
me: I don't know what that means, you might as well be speaking Mandarin Chinese.
him: He's the quarterback, he's like Tony Romo. You know who Tony Romo is, right?
me: I used to think he was a rib restaurant, but he's the guy who dated Jessica Simpson.
him: please don't ask me any more questions.
Labels: I'm a jackass
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Things I Have Learned This Week
- Having a keyboard on my phone allows me to conveniently use phrases like "flux capacitor" and "Siamese twin burlesque dancers" in text messages*.
- Asiago cheese bagels are delicious.
- homemade caramel candies are a pain in the butt to make, but stupidly delicious.
- I dreamed that I was pregnant, had a baby boy and insisted upon naming him "Lucius" - apparently, I have a subconscious desire for my kid to get his ass kicked on a regular basis.
- Debbie Reynolds is still alive and touring and, at 78-years-old, is one of the most adorable people in the world**.
*it happens more than you would think
** seriously, she was interviewed on my local news and I would do just about anything for her to adopt me
Labels: just... why?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
5 Movies I Would Rather Watch Than a Movie About Facebook
- "Watching Grass Grow"
- "Seeing Someone Clean a Litterbox"
- "Keeping an Eye on a Pot of Water Coming to a Boil"
- "Observing a Window Cleaner Cleaning the Windows of a Three Story Building"
- "The Thought Process Behind Those Horrible Olive Garden Commercials"
Labels: just... why?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Dear My Cat,
I understand you believe you were a parrot in a past life, and that's great. Unfortunately, it's kind of difficult doing household chores with you perched on my shoulder, digging your sharp little claws into my delicate white skin in order to maintain your balance.
Also, there is no call for you to look this annoyed in the picture - I let you ride around on my shoulders the entire time I was doing the dishes, you can deal with half a second of flash, mmmkay?
Labels: I take pictures, letter to
Monday, September 20, 2010
So yesterday, I'm sitting in an uncomfortable folding chair at a little basketball tournament thing, it was during halftime so I was going over some of the pictures I'd taken of The Kid -
when I feel a tap on my shoulder.
"Excuse me," says this mom-type lady behind me. "Could you move your hair?"
I reach up to touch my hair, knowing I'd straightened it earlier that day, but wondering if the humidity had turned it into a Marge Simpson coif, or if I'd accidentally put in a Bump-It. Hmm, I thought, minimal frizz and no plastic contraption. Am I going to have to punch this lady in the throat?
I turn around to give the woman my least-amused, most WTF-lady? look.
"Oh, I just wanted to see the tattoo in the middle of your back."
Labels: I'm a jackass
Saturday, September 18, 2010
why today is awesome:- 56 degrees at 3 in the afternoon - SWEATER WEATHER, bitches!!!!
- I sold my first print in my silly little etsy shop - I'm a paid photographer!!!!
- I had THE BEST grapefruit this morning
why today is not awesome:
- ugg boots - those things are just awful
Labels: just... why?
Friday, September 17, 2010
Do you ever have one of those days where you wake up with a HUGE to-do list in your head, think that you had better get to that list first thing if you even want to make a dent in it a and then you decide to blow it all off and make a strawberry lemonade cheesecake instead?no? just me?
Labels: suzy fucking homemaker
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I blow on a spoonful of homemade sauce and hold it out for The Kid to sample."Mmmm, it's good, it tastes just like the stuff you buy in the store."
"No," I correct him. "I bought two different kinds fresh tomatoes from the farmers market, cut a little 'X' in the bottom of each one, dropped them into boiling water, took them out of the boiling water, burned my fingertips peeling the skin, then seeded them and squished them up while the onions, carrot and celery were sauteeing, then added wine, the tomatoes and the perfect blend of spices and let it all simmer for three hours. It tastes way better than the stuff you buy in the store."
He samples again. "Uh... yeah, I guess."
Sidenote: there's something satisfyingly gory about the tomato-squishing thing.
Sidenote, part II, electric bugaloo: now that I've made tomato sauce from scratch, I probably won't ever do it again, it's kind of a pain in the butt.
Labels: suzy fucking homemaker
if I count the high fructose corn syrup in my soda and the kettle corn I had for lunch, I've eaten about 72 servings of vegetables today!Yay for eating healthy!
Labels: "awesome" ends with "me"
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
my mind is a scary place to be
so, I decide to vacuum the living room (because I can never get all the dog hair tumbleweeds when I sweep the laminate floor, and the wand thing lets me get into all the corners and stuff), but I couldn't find the wand attachment thing for the vacuum cleaner, so I decided to just use the hose thing.Halfway through the living room, holding onto the stretchy hose part, I think "hey, this is kind of like vacuuming with a flaccid penis", which... what? How would I know? And why would that thought even get in my head? Why couldn't I have thought "hey, this is kind of like vacuuming with an elephant trunk" or "hey, this is kind of like vacuuming with a bendy straw"?
Labels: just... why?
correspondence
Dear Preacher and Preacher's Wife Across the Street,I apologize that you have heard me exclaim "MOTHERFUCKER" so many times in the past couple of days. It seems that you guys just happen to be in your front yard at the exact moment when I do something stupid like drop a bag full of canned onto my bare foot (I have the bruise to prove it), or spill a five pound bag of flour into the sink full of water.
I would say that I'm really not a foul-mouthed hooligan, but that would be a lie. Usually, though, I do try to use my inside voice for most profanities.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Women in Pajamas in Public in the Middle of the Day,
Really? I mean, really? Jeans take so long to put on? Come on, you've got kids, at least try to give the illusion that you still remotely care.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear People Who Make Signs or Memos that get Posted in Places,
I'm sure third grade was a long time ago, but let me offer this little refresher - an apostrophe signifies possession ("the girl's dress") or a contraction ("don't look under the bed"), they do not need to be used to herald the arrival of the letter "S".
So if you write up a sign about a "sale on book's", you'd better specify which of the book's possessions is for sale.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Tiny Old Lady Down the Street,
Seeing you taking out your trashcan this morning in your bright yellow Spongebob pajama bottoms made me immeasurably happy (actually, seeing you drag out the trashcan that's the same size as you didn't make me happy, it was the jammies). You are way too adorable and I want to put you on a shelf next to my dolls.
Labels: letter to
Monday, September 13, 2010
who's the crazy one here?
Today I go to pick up my cray cray meds and get told that they're not covered by my insurance.What? They were covered last month?
They sure were. But they're not any more.
What a fan-fucking-tastic way to start the week, right?
On the verge of a level 5 meltdown, I call the insurance company to find out WTF.
After approximately 4 years on hold, the insurance lady tells me that, as of September 1, they will no longer be covering the name-brand medication, Venlafaxmachine (or whatever) I take for $30 a month and I'll have to take a generic, Effexor, which is actually only $5 a month.
Great. Except I already take the generic. Which is Venlafairfaxavenue. It's the generic form of the Effexor and it's $30 a month.
Insurance lady is confused, but after I explain it to her several times, she tells me that I have to take the real stuff now and it's cheaper (for me, anyway).
Again, I know I'm extremely lucky to be one of the 1/10th of a percent of Americans with health insurance, but... if insurance companies are consistently doing stuff like this... well, I can understand why health care is a trainwreck in this country. And I really hope I never have to deal with getting help for some catastrophic health issue like the flu or a broken bone.
Labels: le crazy
Friday, September 10, 2010
Dear People Who Live On The Corner -
As if it weren't enough that you- have somewhere between 22 and 38 people living in your single family home
- park all over the street making visibility pretty difficult on our streetlight-less street
- have one dog who barks approximately 19 hours a day
- have one dog who escapes at least once a day and craps on our lawn
- have one little girl who lives there who looks like a demon and I'm pretty sure she steals a little bit of my soul every time we make eye contact
- caught and ate my landlords pet rabbits*
- play extremely loud, thumping, mind-numbing mariachi music every weekend
Now you've gone and painted the outside of your house a color that is halfway between seafoam green and baby-nursery blue.
It's official, you guys are the biggest assholes in the neighborhood.
Congratulations,
me
*a teeny bit his fault for not being able to contain them within his backyard
things I like right now
me with red haircold cereal
the smell of real lavender
kitchen experiments
bracelets that make noise
cold beach mornings
5 day old jeans
everything bagels
Halloween candy
painted toenails
loud honeybees
pajamas still warm from the dryer
Labels: just sayin'
Thursday, September 09, 2010
pro-tip
If, on a whim, you decide to make caramel apple cheesecake - and you decide to use a recipe for homemade caramel sauce you've never tried before, it might be a good idea to pay attention to the part of that recipe that instructs you to keep an eye on the sugar while it is boiling - even if 10 minutes seems like forever to be checking on that saucepan - because otherwise you'll get yourself into a solitaire game online and completely forget about it until smoke starts billowing out of the kitchen.
(Take two was much better, though, and homemade caramel sauce is rub-it-all-over-your-body good.)
Labels: suzy fucking homemaker
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
just because I was tired of having the phone post at the top of the page
The Kid was home sick from school today, but texted a friend after school to get his assignments - he was working on his math homework and found the following note folded up inside -here's the front (click to see it bigger):
and here's the inside (click to see it bigger):
so, I'm guessing from the spelling that "Weasal" isn't fond of English, either.
Also, rabbies... RABBIES
Labels: just... why?, letter to
Sunday, September 05, 2010
I finally have a phone with a QWERTY keyboard. Admittedly, everyone else in the world had one five years ago, but I don't care, the word QWERTY is fun to say AND to type. It makes me happy.Now I might check out some website I heard about called Twitter*.
And, apropos of nothing, here's a picture of my cat eating out of a pan on the stove. Apparently, he likes Greek noodles and sausage. And I need a lid for my pan. Or I need to consider washing the dinner dishes a bit quicker.
*j/k my BFF forced me to set up one back in the beginning.
Saturday, September 04, 2010
at the risk of turning into a Mommy blogger
No one tells you, before you have a kid, just how many jobs you're taking on - chef, medic, teacher, maid, protector, chauffeur - just to name a few. But it's one of those jobs where there are always additional duties being added to the roster.The Kid (parked in front of the XBOX 360): hey, since you're up, can you get me a bagel with cream cheese?
Me: sure, do want it toasted?
The Kid (without looking away from the video game): yeah, but not so toasted that it looks toasted.
Me: ...
The Kid: and I don't want it closed like a sandwich, just open with the cream cheese on it.
Me: and toasted without looking toasted?
The Kid: yeah, please
Me: of course, your majesty, can I get you anything else?
The Kid: a glass of water would be nice.
so, apparently, I've added "waitress" to my resume and "stealth toasting" to my skill set. That kid is just lucky I haven't taken up "smothering sixth graders with their own pillows" as a hobby.
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting
Friday, September 03, 2010
The Kid: I got this paper in school today, they're looking for volunteers for the PTA and to help out in the classrooms.Me: ...
The Kid: Were you interested in doing it?
Me (trying to make my gritted teeth resemble a smile): if you... want me to...
The Kid (wadding up the flyer and banking it into the trash can): *snort* yeah, right! Gross.
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting
Thursday, September 02, 2010
tonight, Ambien is making me thirsty.
well, maybe not directly making me thirsty, but it's certainly keeping me from being not-thirsty anymore. i keep thinking that I need to get up from the couch and fill up my water cup (I drink a lot of water), but then Ambien distracts me with shadow bugs out of the corner of my eye, or creepy clown hallucinations out of the corner of my other eye.And I'm really thirsty, like, you know how super thirsty you get when there's no water nearby, kind of like how you don't realize you have to pee until the bathroom is shut down for maintenance, then you're suddenly possessed to do the peepee dance.
For some reason, my computer looks like a Renaissance computer and I know they didn't have computers back then, but when I'm on this wonder-drug, it makes my precious iBook look all scroll-y or something, it just gives it a Renaissance aura to it. Which makes perfect sense to me, but really doesn't.
I want to do Ambien experiments - like, take 2 in one night, or chase it with a redbull, or do some tequila shots with it, or go on a trampoline, or skulk through a Walmart (and still not be the most fucked up person in the store)
I think my bookcase looks mad at me - not the straight books, all lined up like they should be, but there are some books sprawled horizontally on top of those books and they kind of look like angry eyebrows. I'd take a picture and upload it, but - to be honest, I don't know that I posses the coordination possible for that. And, anyway, if anything would have the right to be angry, it would be the CDs, half of them are still boxed up from the last move and nobody listens to them anymore...
I think if I weren't feeling yawn-y and droopsy tired, I could probably ramble on about the emotional states of all the inanimate things in the house, but... really. And, besides, spelling is becoming increasingly difficult for me.
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am
In honor of today's date - 9/02/10 (90210) - I present my very favorite 90210 memory.I was in high school at about the same time as the original 90210 kids and it was the show at that time (probably because we didn't have facebook, twitter or eBay). Near the end of my senior year, I was dating this adorkable guy and, for some reason (*cough* teen hormones *cough*), he and I used to refer to each other as Dylan and Brenda (shut up).
He even signed my yearbook as such - something cheesy along the lines of "no matter what happens, at this moment, I love you"* - obviously, it foreshadowed our breakup before the end of summer, but looking back, it's kind of really sweet.
* I'm not digging out the book to get the exact words because I'll probably die if I have to look at my senior picture with my crunchy curly hair, nose hoop, burgundy lipstick and teal pirate shirt (shut up, it was the early 90s)
Labels: just sayin'
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Dementia has set in
3 times today, I have been out in public and realized that the zipper of my jeans was down.This is why old people wear pants with elastic waistbands.
Next, I'll be wandering the streets in a bathrobe and curlers* calling for my cat, Mr. Piddles**.
On the upside, once I've forgotten everything, all of my favorite books and movies will be new to me again.
*which would be pretty weird, since I own neither
** weird again, because my cat's name is Bert.
Labels: pointless whining