Sunday, October 31, 2010
a history lesson
Because of the name of my blog, which was, by the way, completely capricious and really means nothing to me, I happen to be the first link on most search engines for anything and everything snozzberry related.Every day, people end up here by googling stuff about snozzberries; what they are, if they exist, and recipes for them.
They were an invention of Roald Dahl (author of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory", "James and the Giant Peach", "Matilda" and "Fantastic Mr. Fox", among other things) and originally appeared in Dahl's first published novel, "Some Time Never". They were described as a round, white, juicy fruit about the size of a currant, eaten by gremlins.
They were also mentioned in the Dahl book, "The BFG", the first Willy Wonka movie (Wonka claims that the snozzberries on the lickable wallpaper taste like snozzberries and Veruca Salt questions the authenticity of the fruit - thus my blog title), and the movie "Super Troopers".
But they're not really real, k?
So there it is. And if you came here expecting something snozzberry-related but just got stuck with my blog which is generally not snozzberry-related... sorry about that.
Labels: random pop culture reference
Friday, October 29, 2010
As surprising as it may seem, sometimes I censor myself a little bit here because there are two or three people I know IRL who read this, or because I don't want to offend anyone, but... then I remember that I really don't like censoring myself, and, really, people get offended by shit all the time, so... whatever.1) Sometimes I wish I had a dwarf/little person
2) I'm bringing pubes back - I don't understand what happened to pubic hair in the last decade or so - why are women expected to keep our nether regions completely bare? Is it one of those eternal youth things? And, really, would that fool anyone? I mean, if a 60-year-old woman is as bare as a pre-teen, is that going to fool anyone? Is the pain of shaving/waxing/deforesting really worth it? Shouldn't anyone given access to that area just be happy that he or she has been given access? And if someone is given access, should that person really be reviewing the landscaping?
and, since I like to add photos to posts and anything even remotely related to this post would be inappropriate, here's a picture of my cat and a pumpkin.
Labels: I take pictures, I'm a jackass
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
reason #96 kajillion why the internet is AMAZING
Somehow, this evening, we got on the subject of something and somehow it was appropriate for me to bring up the fact that some company made a product that is basically a long plastic stick that obese people can use to wipe their butts.No one believed me and of course I couldn't remember the name of the product, so I googled "fat stick for butt wiping"* and in less than a second, Google gave me way more information than I will ever need about Comfort Wipe.
*do yourself a favor and do not read any further about that or even think about this product or its possible uses.
Labels: just... why?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Dear Local News Guy,
I get that you're limited on time in the news promos, but it would still be helpful to remember that pauses in your reading are important.Like this evening when you said -
"Locals gather to remember the local student killed by a shark with a candlelight vigil"
It would have made much more sense if there had been a pause between "shark" and "with". Otherwise it sounds like a tragic day at the local Yankee Candle store.
Labels: letter to
Donald Trump, is that you?
"My creepiness outweighs my business ethics"
- partial text of a text I got last night
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Dear Universe -
I've now been sick since the beginning ofThanks a heap
Labels: letter to, pointless whining
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Dear Lady at the Dog Park,
It was really interesting to hear your 20 years of service in the military and thanks for the complete rundown from boot camp through your retirement a couple months ago.And it was really interesting to hear about your hysterectomy last week.
And it was really interesting to find out that your brother used to be a gay porn star and is now a "real actor".
And it was really interesting to hear about how your super hot ex stole your dog and you're still looking for her (the dog, not the ex)
And it was really interesting to hear about the complete history of un-spayed and un-neutered dogs.
And it was really interesting to hear about your fancy Mustang.
And it was really interesting to hear about all the girls you dated while in the military.
And it was really interesting to hear about the former model you're long-distance dating.
And it was really interesting to hear about how every time you get dressed up, young girls hit on you.
And it was really interesting how you continued to hit on me even after I let you know I was married with a child (and even if I did prefer innies to outies, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be my type as I've never found yard gnomes attractive)
Sometimes I forget how interesting it is to meet new people.
(please replace every instance of "interesting" with "COMPLETELY FUCKING UNNECESSARY AND A LITTLE WEIRD")
(also, please learn how to read and interpret social cues.)
Labels: letter to
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
What's in a name?
new cat, precious little dumpling that she is, has been here since Friday and doesn't really have a name yet.
I'm not crazy about the name she came with, Ghia, so we've been trying to come up with something new -
Of course, I want to avoid the obviously cliche names playing off of her whiteness like Snowball, Casper, Blanca, Cracker or Taylor Swift.
She's got two different colored eyes, so we could call her Bowie or Kate Bosworth (the chick from Blue Crush) but... eh.
And she answers to everything - Kiki, Princess, Cupcake, Buttercup, Beyonce, Petunia, Goofy, Lily Pad, Furball, Purr Machine, Monkey, Ninja, White Shadow, New Cat, Small Cat, Little One.
And I wondered if she really needs a name - she's a cat, she's not applying for credit cards or waiting for a table at TGI Fridays on a Saturday night.
But then I realized that she needs an official name for the same reason children have middle names - so I can yell at her when she's getting into something
Because right now it's "hey, get out of the fireplace!" or "stop licking the taco sauce off that plate" or "stop climbing the bookcase!"
Labels: I take pictures
Monday, October 18, 2010
The "Looks Like" game
The Kid had 3 basketball games yesterday up in San Luis Obispo - with the time between games and the drive there and back, it meant that most of my day was devoted to basketball - which is fine, I like the game and I like watching The Kid play and one of the kids on The Kid's team has a dad who tends to be a bit drunk* when he comes to the games and he provides plenty of courtside entertainment.
However - the downtime between games kind of kills me, though - stuck in folding chairs in a stuffy gym - I get bored and start to play the "Looks Like" game -
it starts out innocently enough -
- that kid's hair looks like a thrift store wig
- the coach's son looks like Dewey from "Malcolm in the Middle"
- our point guard's sister looks like a non-slutty version of Katy Perry
- that lady's skin looks like one of those dried Autumn squashes
but then it gets oddly specific -
- that referee looks like a street cop from the 1930s in Chicago
- that kid with the awful 80s hair looks like Ellen Page in "Hard Candy"
- that blond kid looks like a junior serial killer from a Civil War movie
- the center on our 5th grade team looks like a a dumb bully from a tv show
then perhaps a tad creepy -
- damn, that kid on the 9th grade team looks EXACTLY like a young Nathan Fillion, I wonder if I can find him on facebook and add some kind of application that will alert me when he's reached the age of consent...
*normally, I'd judge, but he's a prison guard, so I figure he deals with stuff on a daily basis that would make anyone a little crazy, so he gets a pass - plus he always brings a designated driver with him, so...
Labels: I'm a jackass
Friday, October 15, 2010
clusterfuck of stuff because I couldn't leave the spider post at the top of the page
- I'm pretty sure I saw a drug deal go down in the Petsmart parking lot... I'm guessing they were too lazy to drive over to the Chuck E Cheese in the same shopping center?
- In case I never mentioned it, the squishy little Boxer we brought home turned out to be a not-good fit for the house - fortunately for her, there was a family who already had a Boxer who were more than happy to take her off of our hands (through the shelter - it was all above board and all) - In doing more internet research, it looks like dogs can handle being an only dog better than cats can handle being an only cat.
- I'm going to start volunteering at the animal shelter next month (I was sick and missed the volunteer orientation for this month) so I can play with puppies and not have to stay awake with them at night or have them chew up my shoes.
- Can you spot the cat in this picture of a messy closet?
and here's a close up
Labels: I take pictures, just sayin'
Thursday, October 14, 2010
In the spirit of Halloween
Allow me to show you the most terrifying place in the universe:
Doesn't look so bad, does it? Just looks like some green backyard at any house anywhere, right? Yeah, until you take a closer look at what is lurking in that innocuous looking bush and tree:
and - I saved the best for last - this is the largest non-fake, non-zoo-living spider I've ever seen - seriously, the belly part is bigger than my thumbnail
Click any of these shots to see them even horrifyingly larger.
So, yes, my backyard is officially the spidery-est place ever - these are just the ones who are large enough to be spotted from a distance and non-move-y enough to be photographed before I squeal and run away. And, while I greatly prefer spiders outside to spiders inside, my bedroom is right next to that yellow-flowered bush and these things are just too close to where I sleep at night.
Labels: I take pictures
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Stupid Ambien... I'm just kidding, baby, I love you
I spent seriously 20 minutes digging through the medicine area in search of some kind of nighttime medication to mask my symptoms until morning - of course nothing like that exists in this house - so Ambien is, of course, the next viable option since the second my head hits that pillow, none of my symptoms will exist at least until the morning.Oh, and, Mucinex, thanks for doing nothing but make me have to drink lots and then pee much.
Also, fucking apropos of nothing, I was googling home remedies for head congestion and, the first site i came to advised me that MOST head congestion is caused by people coming out of the shower and not drying their hair immediately... so, in the... i don't know, years since I last used a hairdryer and regularly let my mop of hair drip dry, that's all been building up to this bacterial/viral/ebola shit that is currently making me feel like squished crud?
i have no idea where i was going with that, so I should probably just, you know, let
Seriously going to sleep now because I'm fighting a pretty strong urge to listen to Alanis and that never leads to anything goood.
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am
pro-tip
If you are finally willing to admit that your icky achiness from the past few days is you getting a cold and not just a combination of allergies and sleeping wrong and you decide that comfort food is the best course of treatment for said cold, so you have McDonalds instead of a real dinner - don't act all surprised when you feel even worse a couple of hours later, okay? |
| no need to call in the Jesus Grim Reaper just yet, I'll take some meds |
Labels: I'm an idiot
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Today
I saw- more pink office supplies than should exist
- a funeral with a mariachi band and a trillion balloons
- fog rolling in to entirely cover a playground
- a company called "In Home Decorating" (as opposed to? Interior decorators who call you to come pick up the paint and supplies they want you to use to decorate?)
I was
- poked, prodded, x-rayed and ultrasounded
- told that my "lump" was just a lipoma*, or benign fatty tumor
I realized
- breast center waiting rooms are easily the most depressing places ever
- "fatty tumor" may be a good thing, but it still sounds kinda ugly
- I wasn't really super duper worried since I have none of the risk factors, but it was still kind of stressy
I made
- black forest cupcakes that... kind of look like boobs
* seriously, don't look at the wikipedia or Google Images of that because... ew
Labels: boobs, I take pictures, suzy fucking homemaker
Monday, October 11, 2010
Priorities, schmiorities
so tomorrow II'm not supposed to wear any deodorant, lotion or perfume, and it's supposed to be kind of warm and I'm concerned that I'm going to get sweaty and gross. And then I'm sure I'm going to get stressed out about stinking, so I'm probably going to be in the middle of some x-ray room, half-nekkid and sweaty and gross - while having my boobs squished. Maybe I'll forget to brush my teeth, wear the glasses that make me look like a bug and wear my scroungiest pajamas so I can be as repellent as humanly possible.
Labels: boobs, I'm a jackass
Sunday, October 10, 2010
So, apparently tomorrow is National Coming Out Day
NCOD founders Rob Eichberg, Ph.D. and Jean O'Leary encourage all people, of all sexual orientations, to "take your next step" in living openly and powerfully on October 11th.So I'm going to openly announce that I'm kind of in love with polenta right now.
*swoon*
Okay, for reals, though, not to be all soapbox-y or anything, but... it really sucks that we need to designate a day for people to be who they are. Logically, it should really be a non-issue - why would any person, governing body or church be able to have any say in what goes on in the living rooms, kitchens and bedrooms of consenting adults? How about if everyone just loves who he or she loves and we leave it at that?
And this graph will never not make me smile.
Labels: I'm a jackass
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
if I were one of those freaks who Twittered her every move - my morning would look like this
8:54 - I really love the rain, but I really hate the way people in this state drive in the rain.9:05 - I love that my doctor's office always has good magazines in the waiting room.
9:08 - I hate that I'm never in the waiting room long enough to read any of their good magazines.
9:14 - holy crap, this mauve paper gown is so effing stylish. Wonder if I could snap a quick shot of myself in it before the nurse practicioner lady comes in.
9:18 - I wonder if there is a colony of artists who paint watercolor Southwest-themed paintings exclusively for doctor's offices. Damn that stuff is ugly.
9:25 - the magazines in here are significantly shittier than the ones in the waiting room. Like I want to read about the idiots on the Bachelorette or that family who has 19 kids.
9:27- I wonder if I could bust out my camera and take a couple pictures, there is always so much cool stuff in doctors' offices.
9:30 - Can't believe I'm reading a freaking People magazine with that family of crazy breeders on the cover.
9:37 - I wonder if they forgot about me. My appointment was at 9:10. Maybe I could just sneak out. Oh, wait, I'm the one who made the appointment.
9:47 - Made awkward small talk with the nurse practitioner lady while she groped my boob.
9:49 - Kind of glad she agreed that what I thought was a lump is a lump. I would have felt like an idiot if it wasn't.
9:51 - Even more glad that she's not concerned about aforementioned lump.
9:53 - She congratulated me on finding the lump. I briefly wonder if I should mention that I spend entirely too much time fondling myself - decide against it.
9:54 - She praised me for not panicking about it, even though I found it two weeks ago
9:55 - we had a nice little laugh about how it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month and how I should have just gotten one of those bracelets instead of the lump.
9:58 - she went back and forth over referring me to get a mammogram, but finally decided to since I'm "close enough to 40"
9:59 - appropriately took umbrage at having my age rounded up like that, we had a little laugh about how silly girls are about that
10:02 - as she's handing me the referral for the mammogram, she reminds me that it's "the one that squishes you"
10:03 - "the one that squishes you" as opposed to... "the one that offers you a bowl of tapioca pudding"?
10:05 - She didn't really need to put "lump" in quotes on the mammogram referral thing. That makes it sound like it was a Skittle I found in my bra or something.
10:06 - mmmmm, Skittles
10:08 - Totally taking a picture of myself in this awful paper thing now that I've got the room to myself. I look like the long lost white Pointer Sister.
10:09 - might as well get a shot for my photo-a-day blog thing.
10:14 - okay, people who smoke directly outside of the door of a building full of doctors' offices - or any building for that matter - can FUCK RIGHT OFF - especially when it's raining so the smoke stays there.
10:32 - no boob squishing appointment until next Tuesday? Well, I've spent two weeks "not panicking" about it, I guess another few days isn't going to matter all that much.
10:40 - damn, why didn't I get Skittles at the store?
Labels: boobs
Monday, October 04, 2010
Dear Juvenile Delinquents at the Pet Store During School Hours,
That animal you guys are arguing over? The one with the furry coat, big eyes, big back feet and HUGE ears? It's not some exotic species from the rainforests of New Guinea. It's a rabbit. The fact that you two were arguing back and forth:"dude, that's not a rabbit"
"dude, that is a rabbit"
"nu uh"
"yeah huh"
tells me that you guys need to get back to school IMMEDIATELY. At least the one who couldn't recognize a damn bunny.
Also, this should be proof that education is the last place we need budget cuts.
Labels: letter to
Saturday, October 02, 2010
Dear Walgreen's,
I saw this sign today at your local store while I was signing away my life in order to buy some decongestants and all I can say is - Really?
I mean, really???
I can (barely) overlook the use of Comic Sans (even though it IS the worst font available) and the gratuitous ALL CAPS, but the use of "giving" instead of "given" compounded by the misspelling of "giving"? That's, like, second grade stuff! Even if, for some reason, the word processing program you used doesn't have spell check, are you telling me absolutely no one in your entire store has a rudimentary grasp of the English language?
Sorry, but stuff like this doesn't exactly give me a boatload of confidence in having you guys in charge of my prescriptions.
Labels: letter to, unrepentant grammar snob
Friday, October 01, 2010
that's not how it works
At least once every couple of years, a movie comes out involving the hilarious scenario of a child (or children) being orphaned and inexplicably willed to the most fucked up person(s) that the parents knew, usually with an explanation that the parents know the person will be able to grow up and take responsibility for the child(ren).I can only assume the writers of these movies are not parents themselves because parents who are responsible enough to plan for this kind of thing, parents with wills, lawyers and big colonial-style houses, don't actively plan for their children's lives to be turned into an experiment as to whether or not their alcoholic/workaholic/immature brother/sister/cousin/bridesmaid can figure out how to cover the basic needs of another human being.
I'm the first to admit that I'm a mediocre parent, but even I wouldn't will The Kid to Courtney Love because I would think it would make for some wacky situations and maybe she'd feed him once in a while and maybe he'd finish the 6th grade eventually. I'd ship his ass off to someone who could care for him better than I do, someone who would make him eat vegetables and wouldn't let him have a Facebook or an unlimited text plan.
My point is that most parents recognize that being orphaned would be a pretty traumatic experience for a child, there's no need to compound that tragedy with years of additional therapy.
Of course, Hollywood also wants us to believe that every fat garbage man has a hot wife, every nerdy girl is super hot under her glasses and ponytail and everyone has a password-protected computer that can be hacked by absolutely anyone within three or fewer guesses.
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting