Friday, December 31, 2010
So, sometime this summer, The Kid went to a basketball camp put on by the coach of Cal Poly San Luis Obispo and, due to his mad skillz, he won the "camper of the week" award - in addition to a certificate and a t-shirt, he also won tickets to a college game that happened yesterday.Even though Cal Poly got spanked by Long Beach, The Kid had a blast, he got to hang out with the team before the game, got to participate in the introductions of the team and got to do some shooting contest at halftime wherein he won a coupon for a free pizza*.
I had fun, too, but most of that was for completely visual reasons. No, not the ten, tall, strapping, young sweaty men racing up and down the court... okay, not totally them. Actually, my favorite part of sporting events happens on the sidelines -
Also sexy in an I've-been-meaning-to-start-a-diet-tomorrow sort of way? This dip. I made it about five minutes after I found the recipe. And, yes, cholesterol police, there's a whole stick of (delicious, browned) butter in it, but if you eat it with apple slices, it's practically healthy or something**.
*in addition to Monday's free dinner at the Elks Lodge, this makes 2 free meals The Kid has been responsible for this week alone. FINALLY this parenting thing is paying off!
** probably not, but whatev
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, I take pictures, suzy fucking homemaker
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Everyone's making budget cuts
including my unconscious.Last night, I dreamed about a lake I saw in a dream a few months ago. It wasn't the same dream, different plot, different characters, but shot on the same set. Oh, except last time, there were Killer Whales in the lake (???) and this time there were dolphins and whale sharks.
Labels: dream a little dream
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Look at me, raising my own little Liberal
Last night we were watching something (embarrassing) on tv and someone used the word "homophobic".The Kid looks up from his facebook "what's homo-phobic?"
"It means people who don't like, are prejudiced against and/or are irrationally afraid of gay people."
He laughed like it was the funniest thing ever. "No, seriously, what is it?"
"That's what it is."
"Really? That's so stupid. Who's like that?"
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Dear Jewelery Store Down The Street,
Now that Christmas is over, could you please take down the "HARDWARE STORE FOR WOMEN" banner? It's gross and misogynistic and dated and makes me frown every time I drive past.Thanks a heap!
Labels: letter to
Monday, December 27, 2010
Answer: This would look so much cuter with cowboy boots
Question: What is something I never thought I would say about an outfit of mine?A couple months ago, I bought this super cute, super girly, and super cheap (because the store was closing) dress off of eBay and haven't yet had an opportunity to wear it. Last week, The Kid won a local free throw competition sponsored by the Elk's, so we got invited to the Lodge for dinner and an award ceremony - hello, dress-wearin' opportunity.
Yesterday, I try on the dress and pull out some knee-high suede boots - well, the suede boots look really dumb with the dress and, shockingly, cowboy boots would have been much cuter with the flower-y, prairie-ish dress.
Cute sandals would have been okay, too - BUT - open-toed shoes would have required some maintenance on the toenail polish I've neglected for at least a month. So Converse it is.
Also, the Elk's (or would it be Elks'? or Elks?) Lodge is a magical place - starting with the giant bronze elk statue outside and ending with the fact that the guy in charge is called the "Exhalted Ruler" (how freaking cool is that title?).
Here is a partial list of things I would have taken a picture of if I thought I'd been able to sneak it -
- the piano player who played show tunes all through dinner - he was about fifteen thousand years old, dressed like Colonel Sanders and wearing a toupee that looked like a raggedy cocker spaniel ear
- the giant chandelier in the dining room
- the entire table full of bowls of canned tropical fruit salad
- the giant bingo board
- the enormous painting hanging over the bar of a scantily clad woman
- the hallway lined with head shots of Elk big wigs and Christmas trees
- the numerous elk paintings
And obviously I'm dying to become an Elk now because HELLO, they have a
Fun sidenote - one of the questions on the application is "Are you a communist?" - I mean, really? What year was that written? 1950?
Labels: just sayin', sweeping generalizations
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Do you know what is an absolutely delicious way to start the morning day?
Do you?Waking up at eleven after one of those super nice dreams that make you feel all warm inside*.**
Of course, it puts a bit of a monkey wrench in my plans to fully utilize another whole day to myself (the hubs and The Kid are at a basketball game in LA), but whatever.
Also, can anyone explain to me how I have 17 books in my "to read" stack because I keep buying books I want to read but I never get around to reading them, but I'm totally coveting those e-reader things? They're so sleek and full of words!
* you know, one of those dreams that you spend all day trying to remember because it was just so... nice?
**alternate answer: cream of wheat with butter, brown sugar and just a touch of vanilla. I get bonus points for starting my day with both.
Labels: "awesome" ends with "me"
Saturday, December 25, 2010
X-mas stuff
Favorite Presents: telephoto lens for my camera (the hubs) and crime scene scarf (the sister)Lease Favorite Present: my effing period (mother effing nature)
and the pics
extreme close-up, courtesy of my new telephoto lens. Look at those eyelashes - ridiculous, right?
Labels: I take pictures
Friday, December 24, 2010
whether you celebrate it like this:
or more like this:
enjoy it!
Labels: just sayin'
Thursday, December 23, 2010
how could anyone NOT be in a Christmas-y mood when stuff like this exists
Monday, December 20, 2010
you know what's awesome about having an entire day to yourself?
- worked on a Dorothy-Parker-quote embroidery thing
- watched all the "girl shows" that have racked up on the dvr*
- watched a CSI marathon
- took the last trip to Target for a long time**
- bought a roast for Christmas
- took a two and a half hour nap
- ate chicken nuggets for dinner
- made rice pudding***
- finally wrapped and packaged my mom's birthday presents****
- sold something out of my etsy shop*****
- took macro shots of tiny little people
- cleaned the kitchen
- considered cleaning the back room of the house
- decided against cleaning the back room of the house
*including about 10 minutes of "Leap Year" before I had to delete it... I watch every episode of "Married to Rock", but couldn't take an hour and a half of a predictable romantic comedy. What has my life come to?
** did I miss some memo that went out telling everyone that the week before Christmas, they're supposed to be complete dicks? Damn, y'all, it's Christmas... and my dad's doing okay - and even if you don't celebrate Christmas or know my dad, you've got something to celebrate, even if it's just that you get a day off for someone else's holiday.
*** who eats rice pudding? You know what, though, it's delicious
**** her birthday is 2 days after Christmas, I couldn't just send them with her Christmas presents? Also, I might be re-gifting something she gave me a few years ago - it's some tacky little rhinestoned butterfly thing that holds pictures, it couldn't be less my style. She'll never remember anyway.
***** that makes 4 sales all together - w00t - I'm most excited about selling pictures. Mostly because my photography is super important to me
Labels: "awesome" ends with "me", and I'm not even on Ambien
Saturday, December 18, 2010
So, almost exactly 3 years ago, my dad had some terrrrrible health issues going on and it was a terrrrrible time for our whole family, so when I got an email from my stepmom a couple nights ago that he was in the hospital, I kind of flashed back/freaked out.It's not (directly) his heart this time, it was a fall/dehydration/various other things, but it looks like his prognosis is much less bleak this time. Still, any good vibes/juju headed his way would be appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
That being said, I'm going to hop on a little soapbox for a second and ask why the fuck anyone would have a problem with gays and lesbians serving in the military. I mean, do
Thursday, December 16, 2010
How to go from "Bah Humbug" to "awwww" in three easy steps
Step 1: pack up your dog and camera and drive to Pismo State BeachStep 2: hike over the dunes and see a cute holiday tree, constructed of a couple branches and little ornaments
Step 3: say "awwwww"
seriously, how cute is that?
Also, a view like this in the middle of December doesn't suck
and here's my dog -
and here's a painting of a frightened teddy bear I bought at a thrift store today
Also, I made homemade tamales today - not homemade like "I bought them at the store and heated them up" - homemade like "I bought masa and corn husks and pork and cooked and folded and steamed". Yes, they were a bit time-intensive, but they are totally OMGYUM
Labels: I take pictures, suzy fucking homemaker
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
brb, digging a moat around the house
I used to think I was lucky to have a son instead of a daughter - I mean, sure, I can't play with dolls with him or braid his hair, but I also don't have to worry about him being obsessed with Justin Beiber or Twilight.I think I was most glad not to have to worry about him being a teenage girl - a billion years ago, I was a teenage girl and I was a terror - the mood swings, the sneaking out at night, the self-destructive stuff... but I don't have to worry about that with The Kid, all teenage boys do is eat a ton of food and laugh at fart jokes - I can deal with that.
What I neglected to factor in to the equation, though, is that my child is devastatingly cute and an athlete and that stuff can be catnip to teenage girls.
Yesterday, while The Kid was at basketball practice, I was in the kitchen finishing up my newest culinary experiment, rocky road fudge, when the junior high school down the street let out and my street filled up with teenagers.
They're usually pretty loud, but I'm used to the noise by now - then I hear a piercing scream right outside and I look up to see a trio of girls walking by.
"[The Kid]!" one of them shrieks in a sing-songy voice.
"We love you, [The Kid]!" another one of them screams.
"[The Kid], come out and play!" the third one yells.
One of them looks into the kitchen window, sees me and hits the other two, then they run down the street squealing and giggling.
It was seriously everything I could do to yell something like "stay away from him, you teenage skanks!"
The Kid is still in 6th grade, he's still two years from being an actual teenager, I am NOT prepared for this crap.
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, I take pictures
Monday, December 13, 2010
You know what's awesome?
When someone spams my photo blog with an "invitation" to read his Christian blog. Because, if you take half a second to check out any of my blogs, that TOTALLY seems like something I'd be in to.Sidenote - how come it's only the born again Christians who get all pushy and gross about "sharing" their religion? Pretty sure I've never once seen Jewish or Hindu people get all douchey like that.
Labels: I'm a jackass
The house we live in is an older-ish house, and my landlord is one of those guys who fixes things on his own - which is fine, he's more than capable at that stuff, but he does fix things cheaply-ish, he fixes them so they work, not for the aesthetics.The plumbing and stuff is older-ish, and every time I take a shower, this is how it begins -
Turn on the water, switch it to shower mode, test the water and it's arctic.
Spend a couple of minutes plucking my eyebrows.
Test the water again - still frigid.
Spend a minute contemplating my roots, wondering if it's time to dye my hair again yet.
Test the water again - still really cold, turn the handle a little further towards the HOT.
Grab the Mr Clean Magic Eraser and tidy up the bathroom sink.
Test the water again - brrrr, icy
Strip down, carefully place my clothes in a pile in the clean sink.
Test the water - still effing cold
Tidy up my small makeup area, arranging my stuff in my little makeup case.
Test the water -wintry, at best.
Read the first few chapters of "War & Peace".
Test the water - slightly less cold
Read the rest of "War and Peace".
Test the water - still not warm enough.
Alphabetize my ridonkulously big collection of haircare products
Test the water - holy shit, it's nearly body temperature.
Quickly take off my towel, hang it on the bar next to the shower, hop into the shower and HOLY FUCK, THE WATER HAS BEEN REPLACED WITH MOLTON HOT MAGMA.
And after living here for nearly two years, there is not once that I've been able to take a shower without nearly needing skin grafts
Labels: pointless whining
Thursday, December 09, 2010
me (going into the garage to do laundry): aaaauuuuggggghhhh, a spider!3 seconds later
me: is that a black widow?
cue me running back into the house to grab my camera
me: ooohhhhh, a black widow!
cue my face going from 8D to D8
me: oh fuck, it's a black widow
then I located some bug killer spray* and proceeded to empty the bottle on her.
*I am pathologically incapable of killing a bug larger than an ant. Also, she was creeping up the door that goes from the garage into the house and, with my spectacular grace, I probably would have either gotten the thing in my hair or in the house if I tried to kill her with a shoe or something.
And I really felt bad about killing her, I hate to impede on anyone's right to kill bugs, but I draw the line at poisonous stuff near my pets... oh, and The Kid, too**
**speaking of The Kid, I am SO the worst parent ever - I totally spaced on the honor roll ceremony today (it's his 4th trimester in a row on the honor roll)
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, I take pictures, pointless whining
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
It's beginning to look a lot like... crap.
Although I really like holiday decorations, I don't personally do a whole lot of decorating for any holiday - I mean, I'll do the pumpkin for Halloween and put up my tacky white plastic tree for Christmas*, but that's about it.
The main reason I don't decorate is because I absolutely hate half-assed or lazy decorations - you know the ones I'm talking about, the ones where the people just toss a string of lights on top of a shrub, or plug in some cheesy inflatable snowman and leave it at that. If you're going to decorate, decorate.
My other pet peeve is when people mix holiday genres - stars and crosses with teddy bears and reindeers - it's weird. Homeowners need to select one holiday deity - either Santa or Jesus, and build it up from there. There is a house in our neighborhood that has an inflatable Santa, inflatable Christmas tree, inflatable snowman and plastic light-up Virgin Mary and her non-baby daddy** - I'm not so big on theology, but I'm pretty sure he baby Jesus wasn't delivered by eight flying reindeers.
Other than that, I'm really tired of Christmas shopping.
*and this year, even that might be pushing it because the new cat is into EVERYTHING - and, apparently, wrapping paper is her mortal enemy - she turns into a demon at the mere sight of a tube of wrapping paper.
**and they only turn on the inflatable ones at night, so during the day, it's just the plastic couple praying over the flaccid remains of a department store holiday. More than a little creepy (but perhaps good for next Halloween?
Monday, December 06, 2010
The good news is - my hair looks great today - I straightened it and it came out great, it's cute, it's bouncy, the roots aren't even too visible.The bad news is - I didn't take my cute hair anywhere today... I mean, I went a couple places, but that was when my hair was still a bit damp from the shower and nowhere near as cute as it is right now.
The other good news - when my hair is cute and straightened like this, it means I will wake up with cute sexy hair.
The other bad news - I've got nowhere but the dog park to go tomorrow, so that will be a bust as well.
The other other good news - I just took an ambien and the white kitten is purring on my lap... and as much as that sounds like a dirty code for something, it's not - basically, I sat down and she is laying across my hands like she is a pair of those fingerless mittens that orphans and guys in wheelchairs wear (is that a politically incorrect thing to say?)
The other other bad news - I just sat through "It's Complicated" - I know, I can kinda get a pass on that because Meryl Streep is in it and I'm a girl, so I'm genetically encoded to like her. And I do like her. More than her, though, I do quite like Alec Baldwin - he's totally my swarthy older man crush and I have daydreams of going out to fancy restaurants for late lunches where he would try to teach me how to drink wine and encourage me to wear a pearl necklace (not the dirty kind) and buy me one of those uselessly expensive grown-up purses made from the underbelly of a dead baby something.
in other other news - the holidays are coming up, holidays like Christmas and whatever hippies and people other countries celebrate, so if you're still shopping, you should check out my etsy shop because I have tons and tons and tons (okay, maybe 6 or 7 things) of stuff listed and everything on there would make a great gift for someone you know - so anyway, here's the shameless plug
and another shameless plug, but not nearly as bad because I'm just asking you to be an observer, not a patron.
remember that? it's my photo-a-day blog - I know, you would have thought I'd given it up by now, but I seem to be keeping it up - shockingly enough.
oh, and since I'm being such a link whore tonight, don't forget about our long-forgotten haiku blog - it has its moments.
Now the kitten is lying on her back with her paws down at her sides like a little furry person - it's super cute and if I thought I could reach the camera from here with my arms made of spaghetti and my legs made of eggplant, I would totally take a picture and post it. But right now, I'm just about as likely to be able to... fuck, I don't know. The ambien is taking away the ends of my sentences.
And now I'm watching that cute little roller derby movie, Whip It and I should probably be getting my retired-from-derby ass to bed, lest I let that derby nostalgia get me looking into joining a new league.... Although, damn, that girl from Juno is so freaking adorable, I want to adopt her and put her on my mantle so I can look at her all the time.
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am
Facebook is weird
The Kid: [some kid] is playing basketball again, he had a game today and did really wellMe: Oh? How do you know?
The Kid: I was talking to his mom on facebook.
Me: You're friends with his mom on facebook? Doesn't [some kid] have a facebook?
The Kid: He's got one, but his mom was online so I was talking to her.
I think it's weird. It's not like I think there's anything untoward or Stacy's Mom going on, I know this woman and her family, we're friendly*, but I'm not even facebook friends with her**, I didn't even know she was on there.
But maybe it's not weird, maybe my child was just lucky enough to miss the socially inept gene that runs rampant through my DNA.
~~~~~~~~~~
Also, apropos of nothing, can we come to some kind of agreement wherein no one over the age of 16 can use the word "sexting"? Or at least that it has no place in a news story***? Because, really.
*we're not friends, but that's more because because I'm socially handicapped by that grab bag of neuroses I call my personality
** and I don't friend people on there - if someone friends me, I'm cool with it, but I don't go out of my way. Half because I'm weird about that stuff and half because I don't like facebook.
*** this teacher was at the high school that my kid is supposed to go to (if we happen to live here that long and if he doesn't end up getting a scholarship to the spendy Catholic school across the street)
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting
Saturday, December 04, 2010
The Kid: Mom, you have to change your Facebook userpic to a cartoon you liked when you were a kid!Me: Why?
The Kid: You have to! It's for... a cause.
Me: Really? What cause?
The Kid (after a quick googling): It's to stop child abuse.
Me: And exactly how does that stop child abuse?
The Kid (after a couple more minutes of googling): It just does! You have to!
Me: As soon as you can give me a rational explanation for how this will have any effect on abused children, I will bust out the Smurfs userpic. Until then, I'll continue not caring about Facebook.
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting
Friday, December 03, 2010
Dear Every Single Member of the Palin Family,
shut up.shut up.
shut up.
shut up.
SHUT.
UP.
Labels: letter to