Monday, February 28, 2011
You know what's even better than having a friend who lives a block from the beach?Having a friend who lives a block from the beach and shares your enthusiasm for marginally nerdy crafty stuff.
And do you know what's better than having a friend who lives a block from the beach and shares your enthusiasm for marginally nerdy crafty stuff?
Having a friend who lives a block from the beach and shares your enthusiasm for marginally nerdy crafty stuff AND is as socially inept as you, so she doesn't expect you to be social on a regular basis.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
In today's episode of bugs in inappropriate places...
So I'm standing in line at the post office* and I feel a little tickle in my clavicle area. In spite of my hair being up in a scraggly ponytail, I assume it's a stray hair and I look down to see a spider land on my left boob**.It's a small spider, but it's still a spider.
On my boob.
And I'm in public, in a room full of people, so I can't rip off my shirt and freak the fuck out.
I casually reach up and kind of flick at it - not wanting to kill it and smear spider guts on myself, but hoping to flick it hard enough that it gets the fuck away from me. Of course I succeed in knocking it all the way down into the crevice between my boobs.
Fan-fucking-tastic.
And I didn't look at it enough to be able to identify the species, so now I'm silently freaking out because, not only is a spider touching me, it's disappeared in my boob cave and may or may not be getting ready to sink its poisonous teeth into one or both of my tatas. So I kind of quickly grope myself, then cross my arms and squish my boobs together.
I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it, trying not to molest myself too obviously, trying to shake out the bottom of my tank top, but its got that separate cami/boob compartment, so shaking out the bottom isn't going to do me any good at all... finally it's finally my turn at the counter.
I handle my transaction, shove my receipt into my pocket and walk out to my car in a conspicuously quick manner.
Once inside the car, I do a more thorough rack inspection and... can't find the little fucker.
Finally, after enough groping that I felt the need to buy myself a nice dinner, the little crumpled carcass fell out into my hand.
Then, and only then, did I take half a second to wonder where the hell it came from and how the hell it got on me. And if there were more. It looked like a baby spider, what if its siblings were lurking somewhere nearby? Or its mother? What if spiders are vengeful? And, seriously, where the fuck did it come from?
To get it out of my head, I went home, took the hottest shower I could stand and then ate espresso fudge ice cream for lunch. Much better.
*because I sold another print of one of my photos - w00t! And it's because of the blog! This makes a total of 3 pieces I've sold through my Etsy shop because of the blog - squeeee!
** I was too lazy to put on a bra so I was just wearing a tank top and a hoodie
And in case I haven't pimped out my etsy enough, here's a picture of my latest experimental embroidery (it's the only thing I could think of that was half as creepy as having a spider on my boob because I wanted to make it like a creepy sandwich) -
Monday, February 21, 2011
This may be the truest thing ever in the history of ever
Sunday, February 20, 2011
clearly, we are related
me: hey, you know that doughnut pan I got for my birthday*? I'm going to try it out tomorrow with bacon and chocolate chip doughnuts**, does that sound good to you?The Kid (looking at me like I've sprouted another head): bacon and chocolate chip? Did you really even need to ask?
*I had actually asked for it so it wasn't just some random present
** be tee dubs, they were delicious
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting
Friday, February 18, 2011
I don't generally blog about political stuff, but...
What in the actual fuck is wrong with the GOP and why do they hate vaginas?For years, federal laws restricting the use of government funds to pay for abortions have included exemptions for pregnancies resulting from rape or incest. Last month they introduced a bill to redefine rape and incest - this bill would exclude statutory rape, many date rapes, rapes where a woman is drugged and rapes of women with limited mental capacity.
Today the House of Representatives voted 240-185 to "de-fund" Planned Parenthood.
One of the main reasons they have done this is because Planned Parenthood performs abortions.
Here's the thing, though, PP isn't just a big old abortion warehouse. In fact, abortions account for less than 3% of what they do (FYI: none of that less-than-3% is federally funded). The other 97% of their services include sexual education, contraceptives, cancer screenings, pregnancy testings, pregnancy counseling and STD testing and treatment.
I am lucky that I've never needed to visit a Planned Parenthood location, but that makes me just that - lucky. Approximately 5 million people a year (26% of which are teenagers under the age of 19) are less lucky than I am. Should people who don't have health insurance or money to pay for health care be punished because Republicans don't agree with a woman choosing to terminate a pregnancy? It kind of seems like they want to champion the hell out of a cluster of cells, but once it is born... well, it's on its own.
I honestly don't understand how anyone could be proud to be a Republican at this point in time.
Also, if you feel the need, you should go here and sign an open letter to congress about this.
EDIT: Just for fun, here's some other anti-vag fuckery the Repubs are screwing around with.
*note: I don't have a tag about politics or news and I don't talk about them enough to necessitate one, so I just used the "Jackass" one because Democrats = donkeys and I'm cool with that*
Labels: I'm a jackass
Thursday, February 17, 2011
If there were ever any question about what a small town this is...
When our local Target was being rearranged - not remodeled, rearranged - it was not only featured on the news, it was one of the teasers during the shows before the news.Tuesday, February 15, 2011
well who do we have here? It's my old friend Ambiem
you know what's nice? rye bread and soft pajamas and coffee yogurt and Dunkin Donuts Strawberry Shortcake coffee.you know what's not so nice? when people think it's cool to make a twitter for their pet or baby, how, according to my roots, my hair is growing like crazy, but it's not getting any longer, there must be some holdup somewhere in the middle. Also, I can't seem to write more than a paragraph or two on the new story I've been percolating for a while and it's driving me fucking nuts - like I've got the general idea and I've got some great scenes that could be stitched into something resembling a big old fictional quilt
so I'm kind of on ambien right now and this episode of Law & Order (which I never watch) appears to be in 3-D... holy crap, Angela from "Who's the Boss" is the judge here. I'd insert a "now we know who the boss is" joke right there, but even in my compromised state I can see that would be low brow (or lowbrow?)
I just ate half a sleeve of townhouse crackers (the wheat kind) and a bunch of Trader Joe's pub cheese.
And I'm seriously lusting over this item and need one IMMEDIATELY, but instead of being one of those whiny bloggers who beg for presents, I will gently suggest that you mosey on over to my etsy shop and pick up something for yourself (or someone you know who would like something.... I mean, everyone knows someone who likes something, right?) and then it will fund my quest to add one more useless but super cool object d'art. (and, no pressure, but if you DO happen to want to buy something and you read the blog, I'll totally hook you up with free shipping.) (okay, I know it's totally lame when people pimp out their stuff or their causes or the ads in their sidebars, but my etsy shop is art, or something...
and speaking of art, I just realized that my water glass had an artsy look to it, so I snapped a couple shots - this is my contribution to art tonight
oooooo, art. actual unretouched pictures of the inside of my water cup. Whatever, I'm going to bed,
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am
Saturday, February 12, 2011
LIMBO!!!!
okay, not that kind of limbo, unfortunately, but I'm in the limbo between sick and not-sick - and I have been for the last week. And I could handle it if it were a head cold, I'd just do Dayquil shots and go about my business - but it's like a stomach issue and it just makes me feel like 33 shades of ickiness.
Also, it sucks to be sick on my birthday - I should be stuffing my face with red velvet cake balls (OMG YUM) and trying out my new pasta machine thing and downloading free apps on my new iPod Touch (OMG LOVE) and wearing my new necklace from my sister (okay, that I can do) - not lying on the couch feeling like I'm dying.
Also, also - this is my first birthday without my dad - I guess this is the first of those dad-losing milestones. Fun fact - I was the only child at whose birth my dad was actually present - my brother was born in some Catholic hospital where they didn't allow the baby daddies to be in the room and by the time my sister was born (10 years after my brother, six years after me), the marriage was petering out and my mom didn't even invite him to the hospital.
Labels: pointless whining
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
pro-tip
if you've been feeling malaise-y and generally unwell for the past week or so* and woke up with a terrrrrible headache and weird pressure-y pain behind your eyes, it's probably not a good idea to fall asleep to a "House" marathon because you'll just wake up positive that you have:a) Lupus**
b) Cushings***
c) an invisible tumor
and or
d) some weirdo viral infection that only 4 people in the entire world have ever heard of
*oh the joys of living with
**it's never Lupus
*** I don't even know what this is, but it's something they suggest an awful lot
Labels: pointless whining, random pop culture reference
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Just a reminder of 2 rules of the universe
1) if you're going to Petsmart, PUT ON SOME GODDAMN SHOES. Seriously, of the places where I would walk around barefoot, a pet store is not even in the top 1000. (I was unable to keep the look of horror off of my face when I passed some shoe-less lady in the cat litter aisle today. I may or may not have hissed "grossssssss!")2) If you find a vintage velvet painting at a thrift store, you must purchase it. Even if it is a painting of a train and cowboys and is insanely tacky and you really don't have anywhere to hang it. It's a GODDAMN VINTAGE VELVET PAINTING.
Labels: I take pictures, pointless whining
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Sometimes it's comforting to see other people make shitty parenting decisions
Like my Mormon friend who, after a basketball game and before driving The Kid, some other kid and her kid out to her house way the hell out in the middle of nowhere, stopped at the small grocery store down the street, handed the kids a hundred dollar bill and told them to get whatever snacks they wanted.Really? Giving a trio of 12-year-olds carte blanche on snack food?? Especially a trio of 12-year-olds who are going to be at your house for a few hours?
(not surprisingly, they came out of the store loaded with enough caffeine and high fructose corn syrup to power the Wonka factory for about a month)
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Dear Mail-Order Pharmacy,
I will not even try to pretend that you're not super duper convenient - I mean, being able to get my cray cray meds without even having to leave the house? Uh-may-zing. And cheap, too - $10 for 3 months of crazy pills? Yes, please!I would like to remind you, though, that it's pretty obvious, from the size, shape and sound of the package that it's pills, so maybe you shouldn't put, in HUGE LETTERS "STD" on the label. You know, lest my mailman think I'm some kind of dirty whore. Even if that just means "STANDARD" shipping.
thanks a heap,
me
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
12 years ago today, I was walking up the stairs in our house in Phoenix and thought I peed my pants.Turns out it was my water breaking. So I had dinner and took a shower and moseyed on down to the hospital where a mere 18 hours, one incorrectly installed epidural and one vacuum extractor later, The Kid arrived in this world*. All 10 pounds, 3 ounces of him.
(like normal people, we celebrated his birthday eve with a trip to the eye doctor)
Since his birthday is on a weekday, we'll just go out to eat and then do the cake and ice cream at home with a party to be determined at a later date**.
This brings me back to my 12th birthday I was so excited to get a Cabbage Patch Kid... and slightly less excited when my mom took me to her favorite cowboy bar.
Yep, she took a 12-year-old to a bar. And a country bar at that! And the country band they knew made the whole bar sing "Happy Birthday"***. And after giving me virgin Pina Coladas all night, someone thought it would be cute to give the pre-teen an alcoholic Pina Colada.
The upside to stories like this? It makes me feel like my parenting skills are less questionable.
*fun fact: February 2nd is Groundhog's Day - I always joke that I was worried about him seeing his shadow and going back in for 6 more weeks. It's funnier now than it was then because he was already 2 weeks late, so any further delay was a serious concern.
**I'm seriously phoning it in on this birthday - with losing my dad and all, I just can't seem to dredge up anything remotely Martha Stewart-esque this year
*** Honestly, that was the worst part, I would rather eat glass than have an entire establishment single me out in that way.
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting