Friday, July 29, 2011
Dear Endless String of Vapid 22-Year-Olds Who Sleep With Hugh Hefner,
PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH HUGH HEFNER!!!! I don't want to see it trending on twitter, I don't want to see a blurb about it on CNN, I don't even want to think about it.He was born in 1926, HE WAS A SENIOR CITIZEN WHEN YOU WERE BORN!!!!
Also, it's okay to keep some of the details of your private life private, I promise the world will not stop turning.
Thanks,
The Rest of the World
Labels: letter to
Thursday, July 28, 2011
scene: conversation in which I try to explain the withdrawal symptoms that occur during the transition from one anti-depressant to another.me: you know how it feels when you touch your tongue to a battery? That's kind of what my brain feels like all freaking day long.
The Kid (with a horrified look on his face): your... tongue... to... a... battery...? WHO DOES THAT?
me: We didn't have cable or the internet when we were growing up
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, le crazy
Dear Sea World,
The Kid has a basketball tournament in San Diego next weekend and San Diego has a Sea World - yay!Who doesn't love a place to get close to super awesome marine animals without the possibility of being eaten by a shark?
So of course I go to your website to see what kind of exhibits you have, since it's been a few years since my last visit and guess what I found out?
It costs $70 per person to get in (plus $14 for parking, plus however much it costs to get lunch).
I can only assume that this price includes my very own real live penguin to take home with me.
I mean, it doesn't say on the website that everyone gets a penguin, but I can't imagine another reason why it would cost so much.
Of course, with the economy being as gross as it is, I'm a teensy bit worried that building and maintaining a penguin habitat in the yard might be a bit cost prohibitive, so maybe we could opt out of the penguin and just pay a more reasonable entrance fee - you know, something that doesn't equal 3 weeks worth of groceries for a family of 3? Let me know before I try to sell The Kid on a trip to Ikea instead.
xxoo,
me
Labels: letter to
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Dude With a Pen and a Prescription Pad: When you start to have issues with depression, do you notice any irritability?
Me: This morning, I honked at a senior citizen because he was taking too long to drive over a speed bump
Dude With a Pen and a Prescription Pad: I'll take that as a yes
Labels: le crazy
Friday, July 22, 2011
Fun fact
If, on Friday afternoon, you cut up a couple habanero peppers for the Jamaican jerk marinade for the pork that will be Saturday's dinner, your fingers will still contain considerable amounts of habanero oil on Friday night when you go to remove your contact lenses (even if you wash your hands 95 times and rub them with milk, oil and baking soda like the internet suggested).
speaking of cooking, the other day I decided to start a food blog (like everyone else on the internet), it's new and I'm sure I'll abandon it within another week or so as soon as I find something else shiny and new and interesting.
Labels: suzy fucking homemaker
Thursday, July 21, 2011
So the 6-year-old little sister of one of The Kid's teammates has decided to adopt me becauseDuring the last game, while the little girl is bemoaning the lack of good games on my iPod, her 2-year-old little brother comes over and starts begging to have his picture taken - of course I oblige because the child is gorgeous -
then he starts going through my purse, picking through my wallet, trying on all the bracelets and sampling all the lip balms*.
As he starts to put a furry cough drop in his mouth, then reach for my Swiss Army Knife, I make the clicking noise I make when one of my pets is misbehaving and tell him "Leave it!" and I realize 2 things:
1) My purse is not especially toddler-safe
and
2) I no longer** have any idea how to interact with children.
** I know that this implies that I did, at one time, have some idea of how to interact with children, but honestly, I can't say for sure
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, I take pictures
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
famous last words in parenting
The Kid: [Mormon Kid] texted me to ask if I could come to his houseMe: Do you have any practices* or anything else going on today?
The Kid: Nope. And if you can take me up there, they'll bring me home later
Me (thinking): holy crap, a whole day to myself to
Me: Is his mom home?
The Kid: I don't think so
Me: okay, it's not like you can get into any trouble at the compound**
~~~hours later~~~
The Kid (running in the house holding out his cell phone): Mom, check out this picture I took of the rattlesnake we killed! It was sitting on the basketball court and tried to bite us!
Me (trying not to think about what would have happened if they had been bitten, considering how long it would have taken for an ambulance to get out there): wow, that's a really great picture of a headless snake, make sure you put it on Facebook
* the kid's on 3 basketball teams right now, I can't possibly keep any of them straight
** seriously, it's a gated property comprised of a billion acres in the hills/mountains about 30 miles outside of town - part of it is farmland, but so much of it is just hills and rocks and streams. The Kid and the Mormon Kid can spend hours alternating between playing video games, playing basketball, riding quads and running around shooting trees and squirrels with airsoft guns. It's like Disneyland for boys.
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Dear People Upstairs,
What the fuck are you doing up there, moving furniture? You're in a fucking hotel, I think the furniture is bolted to the ground.Also, you're in a fucking hotel which means there's a good chance there are people in the room below you (US!!!!!) so try to keep it the fuck down and stop slamming doors, running, jumping and doing what-the-fuck-ever it is that's making so much racket!
Thanks a heap,
the sleep deprived people on the first floor
Labels: first world problems
Saturday, July 16, 2011
so I'm currently on the super-duper slow internet of some random hotel in Ventura (weekend basketball trip for one of The Kid's teams) and, in spite of the hotel being on the water, it's about 5 degrees warmer (about 74) here than it is where I live, which makes it about 2 degrees warmer than is comfortable for me (especially factoring in the humidity and the fact that I straightened my hair today, but forgot to bring my straightening iron, which means that tomorrow my hair will be wavy/bumpy enough to make me self-conscious about it).And I think I might have gotten a sunburn on my shoulders and forehead when I was sitting outside between games.
Summer in Southern California is brutal.
Labels: first world problems
Thursday, July 14, 2011
If I were to strike it rich, you know, by winning the lottery or getting knocked up by a married celebrity or politician, my first order of business would be to hire someone to match up my tupperware containers with the appropriate lids.Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, first world problems
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
him: Is this a new "Burn Notice"me: no, it's the one from last week
him: I'm not sure if I saw it or not, which one is it?
me: it's the one where they do spy stuff
him: that's every episode of "Burn Notice"
me: exactly, even if you've never seen it before, you've seen it before, there will be cool spy gadgets, fake accents,
him: so you don't know which one it is?
me: it's the one from last week, the one where they do spy stuff.
Labels: I'm a jackass
Sunday, July 10, 2011
My Least Favorite Part of Summer
boob sweat
Labels: first world problems
Friday, July 08, 2011
when people find out that I have the depression, they seem to fall into one of the following categories -1) People who have and/or understand depression - these people are the least judgmental, usually we just compare meds and move on to the next topic.
2) People who really have no clue what depression is and relate how when they get "sad", YouTube videos of kittens always cheer them up - if I'm in the mood to be educational, I'll explain how it's actually a chemical imbalance, blah blah blah. If I'm not in the mood, I'll just smile and nod.
3) People who panic a little and act like I'm a little glass swans, like I need to be handled with kid gloves lest I fall off of my shelf and shatter into 12,000 pieces - my Mormon friend does this, after I opened up to her about my recent pharmaceutical struggles, she goes out of her way to be extra sweet to me, going so far as to tell me I look "so pretty" (even when I know I don't) every time she sees me. I don't so much mind, she's trying.
and the
4) People who looked shocked that I'm out in public and not trussed up like this
Mental Health is one of those hush-hush topics, but in the last few years, a few celebrities have "come out" as crazy (Catherine Zeta Jones,
Labels: le crazy