Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Have you ever had one of those days where one tiny detail of the day just changes your whole perspective?

I mean, it's crazy how one tiny little thing can happen and make you question every aspect of your life, make you just say "wtf am I doing?", make you realize that you really have to change your life.

Today, I'm doing my prep work for dinner, chopping veggies, boiling potatoes, turning on the oven for bacon and I reach into the meat drawer in the refrigerator for the ziploc baggie of bacon.

As I'm thinking that I can't remember the last time we had bacon, I pull out the lump of pork and realize that something seems... off. I unfold the delicious streaked meat and, to my horror, find a furry little colony of mold.

Mold. On bacon.

That means that fatty handful of salty, porky deliciousness was allowed to sit in my refrigerator for long enough to sprout mold.

When did I become someone who lets bacon sit, uneaten, long enough to mold?

Sometimes it's like I don't even know myself at all.

Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, I'm a jackass, suzy fucking homemaker

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Sometimes things don't work out exactly like you think they will

Because I'm a big fan of food (both cooking and eating it), I watch a lot of Food Network - the other day, I saw someone cooking a pizza on a grill and figured that I might want to try it - I mean, I'm pretty ace in the kitchen, but I've never attempted outdoor cooking - how hard could it be, though, right? And I had all those gorgeous tomatoes from the neighbor's garden and a pizza with slices of tomato and big slabs of mozzarella sounds like a pretty spectacular dinner, am I right or am I right?

So I whip up a batch of my super easy pizza dough and cart it and some olive oil outside to the barbecue. I haphazardly brush some oil on the grill, stretch out the dough a little and toss it on. A couple of minutes later, I decide that I should turn the dough over so the other side gets all toasty and a little charred, then I was going to toss on the tomatoes and cheese and let it cook - easy enough...

or so I thought


apparently I should have turned the grill down and let it cook for a bit longer before trying to flip it (since it's not a pancake)

Still, there were some decent-sized pieces, so I figured I'd at least get some appetizers out of it.


and they were really good, in a rustic kind of way.

So pizza on the grill with fresh tomatoes and mozzarella? hell to the yes

me operating the grill? maybe not

Labels: I take pictures, suzy fucking homemaker

Friday, August 26, 2011

Dear Local Person Who Owns My Car Twin,

Please stop shopping at stores where I shop when I shop in them because I feel like a complete idiot every time I stand behind your car and furiously press the button on my keyfob for five minutes before I realize that I actually parked five spots over.

Thanks a bunch!

xxoo,

me

Labels: I'm an idiot, letter to

How to Feel Smart and Get Free Tomatoes

Step 1: agree to "come take a look" at the new router with which your next-door-neighbor/landlord is having a problem getting himself and the old lady renting a room from him connected to the internet (even though you don't really know that much about PCs)

Step 2: spend approximately 30 seconds studying the mess before suggesting that they unplug both the router and the modem then plug them back in.

Step 3: Look like a fucking genius when the computers *magically* work immediately after the reset

Bonus geniousity: Within 5 seconds to help the old lady find her contacts on the updated Yahoo Mail

Step 4: Take home about 3 pounds of vine-ripened tomatoes from the insane bounty of the old lady's garden

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me"

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The More You Know

so I go to a movie today, middle of the day, and I end up in a theater full of... well, I don't want to say that these people were old, but it was mostly 90-year-old women and their grandmothers.

Cool, I think, at least no one will be texting during the movie.

Not cool, I found out, because everyone in there was talking during the whole movie and someone let his phone ring 5 times before finally answering it, because it's not like there are 75 million reminders to turn off your phone placed throughout the theater. Seriously, they were more obnoxious than a movie theater full of children.

I'm almost at the point where illegally downloading movies from the internet is sounding like a great idea just so I wouldn't have to deal with that 50% of the general public who doesn't understand movie-going etiquette*


*which I will helpfully sum up in 2 rules:

1) Turn off your fucking phone
2) Shut the fuck up while the movie is playing

Labels: first world problems

Monday, August 22, 2011

Awwww, Baby's First X-Ray

Funnest way to spend the last day of summer or what?

This weekend, he was riding his bike and ran into a pole. This morning, his finger was the least healthy shade of green (that unfortunately wouldn't come out in a picture), so we sucked it up and went to the doctor. I'm no radiologist (but I do watch a lot of "House"), but I thought I saw a tiny little fracture in that middle finger, which would make this baby's first broken bone, too, but we still need to wait to hear back from the doctor. Fingers crossed he'll be able to cross his fingers again soon.

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting

Thursday, August 18, 2011

my kid is weird

me: Did you just fistbump the cat?

The Kid: yeah, why?

Monday, August 15, 2011

Okay, whose brilliant idea was it to bake broccoli for dinner? (mine)

because now the house smells like butt.

In other news, baked broccoli is delicious.

Labels: suzy fucking homemaker

Sunday, August 14, 2011

some pictures of stuff from last weekend

Qualcomm Stadium is ginormous but necessary for the opening ceremonies because it was something like the junior olympics and kind of a big deal.

This is the state flag of Mississippi. You stay classy, Mississippi

This was a group of girls who were maybe 10-ish-years-old, dressed like whores and performing to "Poker Face" (a performance that included copious ass-smacking and a bit of stage-humping - when they were done, I didn't know if we were supposed to clap or throw dollar bills) - they made me incredibly glad to not have a daughter.

 This was some band of siblings who were proficient on their instruments and adept at playing cover songs and got laughed at when they asked the crowd who was planning on going to see the 3-D Glee movie* (apparently one of the kids had some part on the show)

This was some Navy Seals sky-diving team, which was pretty much the best part of the whole thing.

*wrong crowd, dude - you have a stadium full of kids and families of kids who have competed  in sports to be the best to qualify to come to this thing, these people don't buy into the whole "you're a special snowflake because you're you!" crap that Glee sells. Also, why the hell does it have to be in 3-D?

Labels: I take pictures

Sunday, August 07, 2011

what a long fucking weekend.

Have I previously mentioned how much I do not love traveling? (this trip included 5-hour drives to San Diego and back)

Have I previously mentioned how much I do not love hotels? (I can't really explain it, something about the scratchy sheets and weird smells and dry air and un-opening windows) (this trip included a stay at the grodiest Holiday Inn on the planet - ants in the room, shower pressure of a light drizzle and smoky hallways)

Have I previously mentioned how much I do not love crowds? (apparently, the thing my kid was there for was kind of a big deal, basically the junior olympics, and they had the opening ceremonies at the stadium where the Chargers play and 30k other people and I were there to witness it)

Have I previously mentioned how much I do not love fireworks? (okay, that's new for me, I just figured it out at the opening ceremony thing, they're just so loud and loud and loud and they're especially bad when I'm surrounded by 30k other people)

But I did get to see one of my oldest and dearest pals who was also in San Diego for her (insanely adorable) child athlete and they were staying at a redonkulous (and presumably ant-free) hotel in downtown.

The trip to downtown might have been my favorite part of the trip, in addition to seeing my pal and her offspring, I got to stare up at the big buildings as though I were a total yokel, got to squeal with excitement over seeing real live hobos, got to see a business named "Chee Chee"*

and got to walk past a grown man standing contemplatively on a street corner dressed only in boxers**



* unfortunately, I had my telephoto lens on my camera so I couldn't zoom out enough to get a shot of the seedy front of this building and the seedy bouncer/drifter out front.

** you know that shit only happens in big cities - sometimes I hate that I live in such a small town because there's not nearly enough weird shit to photograph.

Labels: I take pictures

Friday, August 05, 2011

Can't take me anywhere

The scene - getting ready to go to the opening ceremonies of whatever tournament we're at today

The Kid (pointing at my flip flops with a decidedly teenage lip curl): are those the only shoes you brought?

Me: Sorry, did someone forget to tell me that we're going to a royal wedding?

Labels: I'm a jackass

Thursday, August 04, 2011

You know what's awesome about a 5 hour road trip when one really isn't a big fan of travelling?

missing almost half of it by falling into a gummi bear and klonopin induced coma

not so much, really

Labels: first world problems

Monday, August 01, 2011

Dear Pet Snake,

That was my finger, not your lunch. You're lucky I'm such a badass that I managed to not drop you.

In the future, please stick to chomping on rodents.

Thanks a heap,

me

Labels: I take pictures, letter to