Wednesday, September 28, 2011

internal dialogue

8:00 AM

the grown-up side of my brain: It's going to be a super hot* day, you should probably get an early start on those errands you need to run

the other 90% of my brain: But... couch. And... internet

9:45 AM

the grown-up side of my brain: Seriously, you should take a shower and get some shit done

the other 90% of my brain: I know, but... couch. And... internet

10:30 AM

the grown-up side of my brain: Okay, you can forgo the shower if you wear makeup and put your hair up in a clip, but you should really go run your errands now before it gets hot

the other 90% of my brain: okay, but... couch. And... internet

12:00 PM

the grown-up side of my brain: Could you at least do a load of laundry or maybe wash last night's dinner dishes?

the other 90% of my brain: But... couch. And... internet

1:00 PM

the grown-up side of my brain: Would it kill you to toss last night's dishes in the dishwasher and start it?

the other 90% of my brain: I don't think so, but do I really want to chance it? And have I mentioned the couch and the internet?

1:25 PM

the grown-up side of my brain: You do realize that you haven't even defrosted anything for dinner, right? If you go to the grocery store now, in addition to the stuff you need, you could also get stuff for a salad and a salad means you don't have to cook anything and can keep the house cooler

the other 90% of my brain: fiiiiiiiine. I'm just going to take a quick nap first


* "super hot" being a relative term, it's supposed to be in the low 80s, but for here, and for someone who loves cold weather, that's hot.

Labels: first world problems, le crazy

Sunday, September 25, 2011

I know I'm a mom so I'm supposed to think no one is good enough for my kid

but every time some girl comments on The Kid's Facebook page "your cute", I want to comment either

"his WHAT is cute?"

or

"get the hell off of Facebook and go read a book or learn English, you duck-lipped* troglodyte"



*Why the hell is no one under the age of 30 capable of having his or her (okay, mostly her) picture taken without doing that stupid kissy-face? I don't understand - is it supposed to be cute? Is it supposed to be sexy? What is it supposed to be?

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting

Thursday, September 22, 2011

These are the people in your neighborhood

Remember how the lady from Casa De Christian across the street from me wanted to be BFFs after she kicked out her philandering minister husband?

Then remember how her husband moved back in and then she started acting like I didn't exist?

Well, apparently the dude got kicked out again and I'm guessing that she might be planning to sell the house because for the past week, she's had a bunch of church people over helping to fix-up the place and no one does all those piddly little home repairs unless they're looking to offload the place. I think it might be a bad luck house, though, because the last owners experienced a divorce and a foreclosure when they lived there and then this happened... I wonder if they'll put that in the listing.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

It's a scientific fact that 95% of hats are a mistake.

me: when you get old, if you wear one of those dumb old man hats, I'm never going to go anywhere with you.




him: in that case, I'll start wearing one now.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Dear My Child,

I appreciate that after a summer full of various injuries (sprained ankle in a basketball game, disgustingly bruised finger and various contusions from running into a pole on your bike, bloody scratches and scrapes from falling off of a quad in the middle of the woods), you decided to wait until THE EVENING BEFORE SCHOOL PICTURES to do trip over your own feet during a football game in the front yard and faceplant on the concrete.

Way to go!





you so much can't see the cut from this angle, but you can get a pretty good idea of the lumpy goose egg that had swelled up ON HIS FACE within about a minute of his accident.

EDIT: picture day pictures to show how well the bruise has bloomed

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, letter to

Saturday, September 10, 2011

I am a conscientious objector to all the  9/11 celebramemberence stuff for the same reasons I think Valentine's Day is stupid -

1) 99% of the decorations are gratuitous and tacky

and

2) it shouldn't be a one specific day thing - it should be something that's acknowledged or remembered every day in your own way

And if feeling that makes me a jerk, well... it's certainly not the first thing to make me a jerk and I can pretty much guarantee it won't be the last.

Best email snippets of the week

1) "LEMON ZEST! Bitch!!!!"

2) "Yeah, you're kind of a big deal."

3) "[The Kid] is great, I'm glad you let him come up to this unsupervised house"

4) "Always Muslim Chic."

no context is necessary

Labels: what about your friends

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Vegans can fuck right off

So, due to my ongoing issues with depression, I've pretty much got zero interest in anything my usual hobbies so I spend most of my days stumbling around the internet, looking at stuff and I found a recipe for a chocolate pie using tofu instead of dairy products and all the reviews were positive, stuff about how it's "delicious" and "healthy" and "no one will ever guess it's vegan!" I figured I could give it a shot.

I got the right kind of tofu and a pie crust and put it all together this afternoon (when I was home alone, I didn't want anyone poisoned by the idea of tofu in a dessert before trying it).

On the plus side - it didn't taste like tofu.

On the negative side - it was gross. Very gross. It was like eating chocolate-flavored styrofoam. Except less appetizing.

On the semi-plus side - I laughed until I was crying when I finally fessed up as to why the pie had an odd texture.

Vegans, stop trying to pretend that your gross, cruelty-free foods taste as good as or better than real food, okay?

Once again it's just proven that vegans are just... I can't with them. Especially vegans who claim to be herbivores because they love and/or respect animals too much - you know what, if you're not smart enough to be able to like animals and understand the concept of the food chain, you and I have nothing to talk about. If animals weren't put here on the earth for us to eat, they wouldn't be comprised entirely of meat, they would be made of stone or quinoa or something else non-edible like that.

Labels: le crazy, suzy fucking homemaker

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

voiceover guy on tv: download the updated Sons of Anarchy app from the App Store

him: who needs a Sons of Anarchy App?

me: I know! I mean, it's one of the best shows on tv, but unless it's got some kind of an index of Charlie Hunnam's nekkid scenes and the ability to watch them in slow motion... well, that would probably be worth $0.99...

him: ...

me: I'll check it out

Labels: I'm a jackass

Friday, September 02, 2011

me: I'm so itchy all over, I'm going to scratch all my skin off

him: I thought you took an allergy pill earlier

me: I did, but it was one I found in the bottom of my purse... it might not have even been an allergy pill, but I'm pretty sure I spilled a bottle of allergy pills in there when we were in San Diego... it was probably an allergy pill, it was small and white and didn't have any writing on it... and it was a little bit dirty, not sticky or anything...

him: how have you managed to be alive this long without drowning yourself in the shower?

me: it's one of the great mysteries of the universe

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me"

Thursday, September 01, 2011

Ambien is weird, it's this teeny little pill, pop it in your mouth and you won't even feel it going down (unlike my horrible vitamin B supplement I take which expands into the size of a throw pillow once it reaches the back of my throat and then I have to swallow about 14 gallons of water just to get all of its hateful jagged pieces out of my throat.)

Although, unlike vitamin B's continued assault on me (making my pee toxic yellow and smelling faintly of cereal), Ambien just kind of slides in like a cool comforter, just covering me up like a warm hug of a mug of tea... although I'd kind of prefer hot apple cider, if you'd be willing to make it for me right now.

k, the local news is all kinds of boring (like all small town newscasts) and I'm not confident that I could focus my eyes on the tv long enough to locate another tv show I might to watch... I'm not even convenient that there are any tv shows I feel like watching right now... especially since I'm probably going to collapse on the bed the second I get there (please note - it took at least 5 minutes to write out that sentence)

You know, ambien is kind of like manna from heaven, it kind of makes me feel jell-o-ified and mellow and like I couldn't possibly think any of my ridonk crazy-person thoughts. Which is awesome.

fuck, I'm tired.

Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am