Monday, October 24, 2011
Dear White-Suited Dude Soliciting Donations Outside of the Dollar Store,
Dude.You're soliciting donations outside the dollar store.
I'm assuming that the whole donation-solicitation thing is not an easy gig, especially in this economy, but you're trying to get cash from people who are buying nearly-expired foods and off-brand cosmetics (and, in my case, cheap picture frames and double-sided tape for embroidery).
I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, but... know your audience. Seriously.
Just trying to help you out,
The White Girl Who Ignored You When You Spoke Spanish To Her
Labels: I'm a jackass
Saturday, October 22, 2011
How does that even become part of my vocabulary?
Scene: in the middle of a discussion, while drivingme (pointing at something down the street): come on, that's like 100 meters away!
silence
The Dude: Meters?
The Kid: uh, yeah, thanks, Canada
Labels: kind of a dork
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Dear Uterus,
35 days27 days
29 days
30 days
26 days
33 days
Can we come to an agreement on the menstrual cycle length, please? I know that 28 days is industry standard, and I'm not saying it absolutely has to be 28, but a little consistency would be awesome. Otherwise, I downloaded that Aunt Flow tracker app on my iPod for nothing.
Labels: first world problems
Thursday, October 13, 2011
my day in photographs
Drive to San Luis Obispo for an appointment *cough* psychiatrist *cough*. Find myself at a stoplight staring at a this random Native American statue raising the roof in the middle of some industrial area.
See a flower-festooned No Parking sign, park my car in the parking lot and run over to take a picture.
Take the elevator up to the second floor and spot the following pillow on a couch in a lobby shared by 4 or 5 different businesses. (here's the thing - if decorative pillow theft is such a HUGE problem in this tiny little lobby that you have to write this on every single pillow, just GET RID OF THE FUCKING PILLOWS)
after the appointment, stop by the beach because it's on the way home and it's about 90 bajillion degrees this week
See a seal out in the water and get so excited that I actually squeal out loud "OMIGOD, seal!!!!"
come home, decide that the house isn't nearly hot enough and make a loaf of no-knead bread in my brand new Dutch oven. (I will forgive it for making the house even hotter because the bread is THE SHIT)
Labels: I take pictures, le crazy, suzy fucking homemaker
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
The More You Know
Apparently, you're supposed to purchase pork belly "with the rind removed".I was not aware of this when I purchased my pork belly and I ended up with pork belly with a rind.
Do you know what that rind consists of? They call it a rind like it's the white part of the orange that you don't eat, but it's really the skin. The epidermis of the pig.
Do you know what pig skin is like? It's like squishy leather and if you run your hand over it, you can feel where the bristly hair used to be. Also, those nubby little pieces of skin on one side? Nipples.
Fortunately, by the time I identified the nipples, I'd already mixed up the salt cure rub and was already too far into the bacon-making process to turn back just because I was skeeved out by swine nipples.
Also, fun to learn, that rind, that pig skin doesn't just peel off like the skin of a orange, it's on there, it's attached and you will probably go through three different knives just trying to separate them before you finally drag out the Thanksgiving electric knife.
By the end, you will be covered in little bits of pig fat and convinced that if this doesn't turn out to be the best bacon ever, you're never going to experiment in the kitchen again. Ever.
Labels: suzy fucking homemaker
Monday, October 10, 2011
Sometimes I just can't wait until I'm old and can say really inappropriate stuff in public
So I'm at the dog park with my dogs and it's during the day, so I'm the youngest person there by about 20 years. I'm hanging out with these three ladies, all of whom I would guess to be in their 60s*.This cute little spaniel-y dog comes up to me and rolls over so I squat down to pet his belly** and one of the ladies leans over to her friend and says:
"his peter is so much bigger than Bear's."
I pretend I didn't hear that because there are some things I don't discuss at the dog park (or anywhere). Like dog junk.
The spaniel's owner says:
"What? His feet?"
The lady says, a little more loudly:
"No, his peter."
I look to the spaniel's owner to see if she's going to be mortified by these women comparing the sizes of dog wangs and she just laughs and says:
"I know, he's got a big dick!"
*I'm terrible at guessing ages, especially of old people, I honestly can't tell the different between a 65-year-old and a 214-year-old. But these ladies were grandma-age, with the grandma-appropriate short hair and cutesy sweatshirts.
** I'm much better at interpreting dog body-language than people language-language
Sunday, October 09, 2011
you know what's awesome?
Knowing you forgot something as you're leaving the grocery store then getting home and realizing that it was rice noodles which you need for the pho you were planning for dinner and thinking that you're going to have to use freaking Top Ramen in your pho which will be kind of weird and sort of take it out of the realm of pho and into the realm of cobbled-together-recipes-I-make-because-I'm-too-lazy-to-go-back-to-the-store but then finding an unopened package of rice noodles that you bought a month ago just so you'd have it.Yay for being ahead of myself. And for pho.
Labels: first world problems, suzy fucking homemaker
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
Really, Facebook?
Really?
Monday, October 03, 2011
No, I most certainly did not spend most of my morning today driving around down in search of pork belly.
And I didn't spend slightly more than $30 (plus shipping) on one of those hideous naked rain oil hanging lamps from the 70s off of eBay yesterday.Okay, maybe I actually did both of those things, but in my defense, the pork belly is going to be made into homemade bacon, which... who even knew you could make homemade bacon? And as soon as the curing salt I ordered off of eBay gets here, I'm going to haul that Flintstone-sized hunk of pig out of the freezer, coat it in some other spices and make the hell out of some bacon*.
I have no excuse for the lamp, though. Nor do I have any place in the house to put it.
*And that had better be some good bacon because I had to take my life in my own hands by venturing all the way across town** to the Hispanic grocery store which is decorated like Tijuana and where they look at me like I'm from another planet every time I go in there because I'm the only person not buying cow stomach and cactus leaves. Although this was the only grocery store butcher that didn't look at me like I'd just ordered marinated kitten when I asked for pork belly.
** this is, of course, relative "all the way across town" here is about a 10 minute, 5 or 10 mile drive. In a major city, that would have taken me an hour.