Monday, November 28, 2011
My Mormon Friend: Do you have a nativity set?Me: Huh?
My Mormon Friend: Do you have a nativity set? I'm setting up a thing at church for Christmas and I'm having people bring in nativity sets for a big display and I don't know if I'm going to get enough from people at church...
Me: It's like you're speaking Swahili to me right now... I mean, do you even realize who you're talking to?
My Mormon Friend (with a wistful sigh): ... Yeah, I know
Labels: I'm a jackass, what about your friends
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Dear Snotty Community College Girl Who Comments on The Kid's Facebook Too Often For My Liking,
First of all - I know we didn't have Facebook when I was a kid, but 7th grade boys were not on my radar when I was in high school, let alone after that, so it's kind of weird that you have so many Facebook friends in junior high*.Second of all - Even if you're trying to be helpful and mentor-y to The Kid, your comments are usually unnecessarily condescending and less-than-helpful.
Third of all - While you try to be all holier-than-thou to all these kids, like you're someone for them to look up to, it's kind of hard for anyone to take you seriously when your profile picture is you wearing a bikini top and booty shorts, dropping it low and looking more than a little bit wasted**.
How about you get your own shit together before trying to parent kids 6 or 7 years younger than you (all of whom already have parents, btw)? You want to help them out? Maybe you could try to set a good example instead of looking like you're auditioning for Girls Gone Wild, mmmkay?
kthx,
the mom who, for some reason, never liked you to begin with
*not to mention if the genders were reversed, you'd be on a watch list somewhere
** as pointed out by one of The Kid's friends when you were lecturing The Kid on the importance of respecting all adults
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, letter to
Monday, November 21, 2011
To Paraphrase the Great Philosopher, Kanye West: "We're all judgmental, I'm just the first to admit it"
I have no problem admitting that I am judgmental - judgments, in my opinion, are a saver of time and effort - for instance, if you wear UGG boots, especially with shorts, I know that you and I have nothing in common, so I'm not going to extend the tiniest bit of effort to be friends with you. Same if you're vegan, Republican or can't manage to chew gum with your mouth closed.And if you missed your son's basketball tournament* in Atascadero last weekend because you absolutely had to see the Twilight movie the weekend it came out? Well, regardless of how I felt about you before I knew that**, I will begin to actively dislike you. Way to have priorities, jackass.
* The Kid's team came in 3rd place out of 8 or 10 jr high teams around this area (and the one team they lost to ended up winning the whole thing)
**kind of liked her, she's funny and a little sarcastic, although there was a small red flag when she mentioned that she'd taken her daughter to LA specifically to go to a store belonging to the reality show family whose name rhymes with Schmardashian.
Labels: I'm a jackass
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Yesterday, I started the day with a drive to Los Angeles at rush hour*.Today, I started the day with a dental appointment and then some quality time at the DMV.
I can only assume tomorrow morning will be filled with papercuts and stubbed toes, because... really.
(on the plus side, long drives that start out before the sun is up usually include sunrises, which, it turns out, are very pretty)
*seriously considered making my stepmom live out here so I didn't have to make that drive
Labels: first world problems, I take pictures
Friday, November 11, 2011
Fuck Los Angeles Traffic
Had to drive three hours down to LAX to pick up my stepmom who is visiting for a few days and, in spite of having learned to drive on Southern California roads, I just can't with their traffic and the fact that every single person on the road was either talking on a phone (not hands-free), texting or eating a bowl of cereal (seriously!!!!!)And add a little rain to that situation (people in California have rain-amnesia, every single time it rains, it's brand new to all of us) and you have a very irritated me.
I'm considering forcing my stepmom to stay out here permanently just so I can avoid making that drive again next Wednesday. The main benefit for her (other than living near enough for me to be able to cook for her all the time)? She wouldn't have to live in Florida anymore.
Labels: first world problems
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Okay, yeah, maybe I do rely on Google a bit too much
I love Google.Love it with the passion of a thousand suns - I am a huge sucker of useless information and Google own that stuff - I mean, how cool is it to have all the information in the whole world just a couple of keystrokes away?
Wondering the exchange rate between the US dollar and the Bulgarian lev? Google will figure that out for you in a second (currently, 1 lev = 0.6943 USD)
Trying to figure out what the Assistant US Attorney on Sons of Anarchy has appeared on because you know you've seen him somewhere before? Just ask Google (he was George Clooney's estranged wife's fiance from "O Brother, Where Art Thou")
Need to figure out the name of that jelly-like material outside the nucleus of a cell, so you can help your kid with his homework? Google to the rescue! (cytoplasm)
I love Google so much that I get a little bit frustrated when I need it and it can't help me - like today, when I was standing in front of my DVD collection trying to figure out if we own a couple of DVDs and hating that I have to actually LOOK at the DVDs instead of just being able to google "do I own 'Elf' or 'Idiocracy'?" (I still don't know, I got through one whole shelf then kind of
Labels: first world problems, I'm a jackass
Sunday, November 06, 2011
me: Did you like the baked potato soup?The Kid: um... not really
me: Why not?
The Kid: it was thicker than a soup, it was more like a chowder
me: And that's bad because?
The Kid: You should have said it was a chowder, you should have warned me. You can't just make chowder when you say you're making soup
me: Would you have liked it if I had called it baked potato chowder instead?
The Kid: not really, I don't like chowder, it's too thick, it's like thick gross soup
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting
Friday, November 04, 2011
Maybe it's pms, maybe it's not
I'm sure there are lots of reasons for cordially inviting some marginally annoying random guy on Words With Friends to "go eat a bag of dicks", right?Right?
Labels: I'm a jackass
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Dear Teachers at The Kid's School,
If you send home a memo in the Comic Sans font, I will absolutely not take it seriously, regardless of the content of said memo. There are literally thousands of fonts that are less awful, you might as well put it in Curlz.Just thought you might want to know!
kthxbai