Snozzberries?!? Who ever heard of a snozzberry?!?

So the worst part of this whole herniated disc thing?*

2012-01-26T19:03:00.000-08:00

I use my feet a lot - Other than walking, I use them for pick up stuff, shut the fridge, close the dishwasher - they're like extra hands for me** and now I'm without the use of one extra hand and it sucks.

Oh, and I'm also freaking the fuck out about having to have back surgery, which, even though it's the least invasive of all the herniation surgeries, it's still fucking back surgery.

*other than being uncomfortable most of the time, being super depressed because my body doesn't work, having to shuffle-limp everywhere, spending a ridiculous amount of time and money in doctors' offices and having to spend my kid's 13th birthday ass up on an operating table, of course

** yes, I'm kind of simian and it kind of grosses out my sister

2012-01-21T17:49:00.000-08:00

him: the realtor* emailed and said that she's got a cold and she can't meet us today

me: so I showered and put on underwear for nothing? I'm going back to bed.

*on the one hand, real estate is CHEAP right now, I mean, what other time ever would I be able to buy a house in California? On the other hand, it's kind of awesome to renting and not being responsible for anything that breaks or dies or leaks.

And where did you get your medical degree?

2012-01-21T10:32:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I'm over at my landlord's house troubleshooting something on his computer (because he's barely capable of using the internet) and he asks why I'm limping (because he's immune to social niceties like not asking ultra personal questions) so I tell him it's this herniated disc thing, it's pinching the nerves and I have no feeling in my leg/foot and I have to get some fancy microdiscectomy surgery to fix it.

Landlord: You know why that happened? Because your body is out of balance, you don't use both sides equally, I make my kids write with their left hands so they won't have any back problems.

Me (pretending to focus on rearranging his screen): Mmmhmm

Landlord: You know, you really don't need surgery, you just need to stretch more

Me (biting my tongue to keep from mentioning that I've tried "stretching more" for several years, I've also tried physical therapy and anything else doctors have suggested to me. At this point, I don't have use of one leg - which makes is kind of difficult to, you know, WALK. And I've seen the MRI and the gross bulge-y thing sticking out of my spine isn't just going to pop back in if I go all downward dog on it)

Landlord: Are they doing the spinal fusion?

Me: no, it's a microdiscectomy, which is way less invasive and has a shorter recovery time. It can even be done as an outpatient procedure

Landlord: You should really have the fusion instead. The doctor is just doing that one so he'll have to do another one on you and get more money from the insurance company.

Admittedly, the neurosurgeon was kind of a dick (which, according to television and movies, means that he's an ace at his job... but seriously, I don't need Patch Adams, I'm not going to start a book club with him, I just want him to have steady hands), I'm going to go ahead and go with the opinion of the board-certified guy with 30 years of medical experience, not the guy who took 3 weeks to figure out why the roof in my bedroom was leaking.

Sometimes depression is like a Paula Abdul song

2012-01-17T13:27:00.000-08:00

no, not quintessentially 80s featuring a skeevy rapping animated cat (not usually, anyway), but 2 steps forward, then 2 steps back

2012-01-17T09:33:00.000-08:00

I wonder if there is a faction of singer/songwriters who aspire only to be featured in emotional blackmail animal rescue commercials and saccharine ads for adult dating websites.

2012-01-07T08:45:00.000-08:00

so... got an inquiry last night from a company whose name is a combination of the words "GROUP" and COUPON" - they wanted to sell my "quirky" embroidery... I explained twice that that my stuff is handmade (I even went in to excruciating "needle and thread" details) and their stuff is mass-produced and discounted (not that there's anything wrong with that, I love me some cheap, mass-produced stuff) - they asked me if I knew of anyone else "manufacturing" embroidery. *sigh*

I politely declined and they told me that if I ever "hire more employees", they'd love to offer me exposure to their 50 million subscribers.

Don't get me wrong, I'm shocked and flattered to even have someone think for a second that my little crafts deserve that kind of an audience, and I know I sound like an ungrateful jerk to make jokes about it, but... well, aside from actually being an ungrateful jerk, is it too much to want people to have the tiniest clue as to what they're trying to solicit?

My other First World Problems of the day include:

the whale-watching trip we were supposed to take today was cancelled because the waves were too tall.
none of the doctor's offices I've been to for appointments this week have wifi
the itty-bitty corticosteroid pills I'm supposed to take 4 times a day, need to be cut in half and, apparently require some kind of special equipment as I've never busted one into less than 25 pieces
while I'm mostly out of pain, my foot is still numb and generally functioning at about 35% of what it should be, so things like walking and putting on pants take me about 75 times longer (my MRI showed a herniated disk, so I get to see a neurologist about it next week)

Dear Vicodin

2012-01-03T13:42:00.000-08:00

This might seem premature, since we only became acquainted with each other this afternoon (after an unreasonably long wait in an uncomfortable chair at Walgreens), but I think I might be in love with you.

You might think this is just because you're directly responsible for my first pain-free moments in I don't know how long* - I'm not even bothered by the sprained big toe on my other foot** - but I really don't want to be without you. Ever again. For reals.

xxoo

*probably around a week, but back-pain-time is like dog years

** my left foot is numb and it's resulted in me being clumsier than usual and I took an impossible fall the other night that resulted in some crazy pain in my right foot (accompanied by a bruise with no less than 5 different colors)!

2012-01-01T12:50:00.000-08:00

Everybody does those end-o'-the-year retrospectives, but... whatever - 2011 started out with me losing my dad. Something like that kind of sets the tone for the year, you know?

I started out 2012 at Urgent Care, begging for something stronger than the Advil/Tylenol/Aleve* to take the edge off of the pain of a pinched nerve in my back that I've been enjoying since last Thursday**.

Also, "Urgent Care" is quite the misnomer - it should really be called "Open-During-The-Day-When-You-Can't-Get-In-To-See-Your-Regular-Doctor-But-Aren't-Bad-Enough-To-Warrant-A-Trip-To-The-Emergency-Room Care"because I was there for 2 hours, there were only 2 people in front of me and I saw nothing I would even remotely describe as "urgent". Also, not to be all White Whine or anything, but the least they could have done was offer free wifi since they had no tv or magazines. Fortunately I was able to catch up on some reading, so I guess that's good?

*I ended up with an injection of and a prescription for Toradol (?) - not exactly the Vicodin I was hoping for, but the injection I got of the stuff seems to be working okay. And they gave me some Hydrocodone for sleep. At least this should hold me until the doctor's office is open on Tuesday.

**everything on the internet says to rest up for a couple of days and see if it gets better before you go to the doctor (Also, I will do just about anything to avoid going to the doctor) - I waited a couple of days and it's gotten nothing but worse and I woke up this morning with my leg numb from the knee down and I'm assuming that's bad.

2011-12-27T11:07:00.000-08:00

so it was well over a year ago since I last updated my 100 things (and I'm always looking for ways to procrastinate) so here's the new almost-2012 edition of 100 things

1. I won't carry a purse unless it's big enough to hold my camera
2. I always have my camera with me
3. my favorite comfort food is mashed potatoes and brown gravy
4. I am terrified of spiders, cockroaches and sharks
5. I love taking pictures of creepy spiders
6. In spite of my paralyzing fear of sharks, I love the beach and the ocean
7. I'm more prone to wearing lip balm than lipstick
8. I hate greeting cards
9. I watch a lot of tv
10. I always have my iPod/iTunes on shuffle
11. Otis Redding is the only artist I never skip on shuffle
12. I prefer my eggs over-medium
13. Rye is my favorite type of bread
14. Raspberries are my favorite berry
15. I hate talking on the phone
16. I hate voicemails (seriously, send me a text)
17. I am insanely disorganized
18. I've been dyeing my hair since I was about 15
19. At least every couple years I try to dye my hair blond, but it always looks crappy on me
20. I like tattoos
21. I played roller derby for a couple of years and sometimes I miss it like crazy
22. I like the smells of rain, fresh cut grass and fabric softener
23. I like my bacon crispy
24. My eyes are officially hazel, but they are usually murky green color
25. I go out of my way to avoid contact with most people
26. My brain works at a different speed than my mouth and sometimes I forget words when I'm in the middle of a sentence
27. I have a very short temper
28. I drive a Prius, but I'm not one of those Prius driver-type people
29. I'm a Google junkie, I google everyone and everything
30. I don't like to lie, but this doesn't mean I always tell the whole truth
31. I rarely go out of my way to be friends with anyone
32. I love Doris Day/Rock Hudson movies
33. My favorite necklace is a tiny silver thing that says "Eat at Joes"
34. I sleep with my feet sticking out from under the covers
35. I always order iced tea at restaurants
36. I love cilantro
37. Thanksgiving is my favorite day to cook - it's like the Super Bowl of cooking to me
38. My favorite pizza toppings are pepperoni and black olives
39. My biggest pet peeve is when people use "your" when it should be "you're"
40. I can be a little persnickety about spelling and grammar
41. Usually I don't think before I speak
42. I am categorically unable to keep plants alive
43. I think "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips is one of the best songs ever written
44. My favorite tv shows are "Psych", "Sons of Anarchy" and "Justified"
45. My current favorite painter is Jose Royo
46. I saw an exhibit of Royo paintings a few years ago in Vegas and almost cried because they were so beautiful
47. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with horses and the Smurfs
48. I like really dark coffee with real cream, evaporated milk or sweetened condensed milk
49. I wish I could speak a second language - preferably French or Italian
50. I have 2 dogs, 2 cat, 4 snakes, a bearded dragon and a kid
51. If I had the room, I'd love to have goats and chickens because I fell in love with them with I worked at the farm in Texas (go donate if you can, they need it, those animals insist on eating every single day)
52. "Hot Fuzz" is one of my favorite movies
53. "Valley Girl" is another
54. "Gladiator" is another
55. "An Affair to Remember" is another
56. I paint, embroider, write and take pictures
57. Photography is, at the same time, the easiest and most difficult of my artistic pursuits
58. I have a spectacular collection of knee socks from my derby days, but I usually hate having to wear anything other than flip flops
59. I'm always barefoot at home
60. I don't have a favorite color
61. I'm extremely nearsighted (but will never be seen in public in my glasses because they make me look like a bug)
62. I love mid-century modern architecture
63. I have had a problem with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and have been working on finding the right cocktail of meds for the last couple of years
64. I have a degenerative disk thing in my back and have been working on finding the right cocktail of exercises, stretching and over-the-counter stuff, but there are still some days when I can barely walk
65. My wisdom teeth still haven't come in
66. I like giraffes and any other animal with long eyelashes
67. I can't draw
68. I like ridiculous people and things
69. ... tee hee, 69
70. I can be incredibly immature (see above)
71. I wish I knew how to knit or crochet
72. I started liking basketball because The Kid plays it
73. The Kid is the funniest person on the planet
74. My favorite basketball teams are the Lakers, the Clippers, the Celtics and whatever team The Kid is on
75. I find small towns charming
76. I make excellent cinnamon rolls and croissants
77. Being able to make croissants is one of my biggest achievements
78. I always use my turn signals, even when no one is around
79. I don't always drive the speed limit
80. I hate hate HATE being stuck in traffic
81. Punctuality is important to me
82. I'm sporadically lactose-intolerant
83. When I was a kid, I had aspirations of being a jockey and a lawyer (not at the same time, but how cool would that have been?)
84. I make my own pizza dough
85. My dad passed away in January of this year and it hits me at the weirdest times
86. I used to collect stickers like crazy when I was a kid
87. I drink a lot of water
88. I used to get really bad grades in handwriting when I was in elementary school
89. I've wanted to be a writer since I was in 2nd grade
90. I generally assume that everyone I meet is cooler than I am
91. I can never find the matching lids of my tupperware containers
92. I can be a very absent friend and, unless it's within two weeks of mine, I will forget your birthday
93. I don't understand the need of people to share every single mundane detail of their lives
94. I check my Facebook and Twitter maybe once a day to see if anyone has given birth or died
95. I do everything in my power to not read comments on the internet
96. I have an endless capacity for useless knowledge and like to share it
97. No one is still reading this
98. Flugelhorn
99. Seriously, no one
100. I've got a comeback for every situation, even if I don't think of it until an hour too late

2011-12-24T19:30:00.000-08:00

him: why do we have four pounds of butter in the refrigerator?

me: there's a butter shortage in Norway

him: and?

me: you never know when something like that could happen here and I don't want to end up having to bake something using margarine!

Holidays activate my OCD and I become irrationally afraid of running out of everyday household stuff like toilet paper, cilantro and dog food (and butter, obviously). In the days preceding a holiday, I take inventory of everything in the house and stock up with enough supplies to last for a month... because the world ends if Christmas happens and I don't have enough fabric softener? And even if I did run out, it's not like Walgreen's isn't open and willing to sell me eggs, double-sided tape and pantyhose at 4AM right?

I do the same thing on vacations - no matter how long I'm going to be gone, I cart with me enough shampoo, conditioner, band-aids and tampons to take last the entire city a week and a half.

Basically, look for me on the most boring episode of "Hoarders"

Dear Neighbors 2 Houses Down,

2011-12-24T15:43:00.000-08:00

It's been super duper nice of you guys to share your pounding calliope/mariachi music all day!

And it's so nice of y'all to have it so loud that the whole neighborhood can hear it!

And while I super duper appreciate being able to feel like like a part of your Christmas Eve celebration, (even with all the windows in the house closed!) I now have a headache and can feel the bass pounding in side of my head, so I wonder if you guys wouldn't mind turning it down just a touch. Not just for me, you guys have at least 5 or 6 kids living in that house and going deaf won't be good for any of them.

Thanks a heap and Merry Christmas!

I seriously can't wait for Christmas

2011-12-23T18:14:00.000-08:00

Not for the presents or the treats or any of that usual stuff - I'm mainly looking forward to an end to those commercials where car dealerships and other retail establishments bastardize Christmas carols to include their names or product lines.

when multi-tasking goes bad

2011-12-22T18:31:00.000-08:00

When I tried to bake gingerbread biscotti * and the super smoky jalapeno-flavored bacon I ordered on the internet that always makes the entire house smell like bacon for an entire day at the same time.

Now, I'm all for adding bacon flavor to pretty much everything, but... just... no

*even if you're not a big fan of gingerbread (I'm not) these, drizzled in white chocolate baking stuff are so amazing. For reals.

so apparently "time management" is a thing - did anyone know that?

2011-12-21T18:02:00.000-08:00

prior to that little piece of embroidery getting all that attention, I pretty much spent most days dicking around on the internet.

When all the attention first happened, I tried to integrate stitching lots of orders and answering lots of emails into my busy schedule of dicking around on the internet, and I quickly got overwhelmed - I got the flu, I developed an eye twitch, I couldn't sleep, blah blah blah.

One day last week while I was on my way to an appointment *cough*psychiatrist*cough* I realized that people are paying me to make art and that I really needed to get my shit together if I wanted to take advantage of being given an opportunity like this.

This was further confirmed when the doctor prescribed "better time management"* - so I went home and begged the best stitcher I know to help out and decided to stop stopping what I was doing when an email arrived and answer all my emails at the end of the day.

Now, I'm only working 8-9 hours a day on this stuff** and it turns out that all the stuff I usually do on the internet is still there when I'm done - WHO KNEW?

next step? Business cards... or at least an address stamp because, seriously, I don't even want to think about how much time I waste scrawling my return address on packages.

*and ambien (yay) and double the Wellbutrin

**which means, if I'm super productive, that I'm earning close-ish to minimum wage, BUT I can watch tv while I work and I don't have to put on makeup or even shower!

Here's how bad I am at wrapping presents

2011-12-17T15:48:00.001-08:00

Five minutes ago, I almost chopped off my own finger while cutting wrapping paper.

You know what's cool about purple eyeshadow?

2011-12-15T13:38:00.000-08:00

If you use your finger to apply it (because you're too lazy to dig out a clean eyeshadow brush) in your semi-dark bathroom (the lighting is fluorescent, so I use whatever small amount of available light there is), you will probably end up with some extra under your eyes so you will spend half the day looking like you've been in a bar fight and/or you have consumption.

resolution for the new year? Learning to color within the lines.

2 things

2011-12-13T11:14:00.000-08:00

1) an unexpected "bonus" of this whole... situation - my dad passed away in January so this is our first Christmas without him and I knew it was going to be difficult/crappy/awful, but having my mind occupied by all of this stuff has been amazing for keeping me busy, so... praise Yeezus for that.

2) I won a giveaway from The Painting Chef (who is funny and crazy talented and you should read her blog if you don't already) and yesterday got a box chock full of awesomeness! One thing included in that awesomeness was candied jalapenos... okay, who knew this was a thing? I didn't and omg what a delicious mix of hot and sweet - I used them last night on jalapeno popper grilled cheese* and The Kid's BFF was over for dinner - when I handed him the plate, he seriously spent a full minute smelling the sandwich before declaring that it smelled so good someone should make a candle of the scent... okay, maybe the kid's a little weird, but dammit if he isn't enthusiastic about every single dinner I serve.

*sourdough bread grilled with cheddar cheese on one side, cream cheese on the other side and jalapenos in the middle. OMG YUM.

Since my life has suddenly turned into all-self-promotion-all-the-time, I'll just put this link here

2011-12-12T10:09:00.000-08:00

http://www.facebook.com/DropDeadQuirky

it's the fan page for my etsy shop and it contains links to the insane amount of press I've gotten this weekend - Huffington Post, BoingBoing, The Village Voice (!!!) to name a few... I don't know if I need to hire a press agent or a workshop full of elves.

(also, in case anyone was wondering, I am super duper uncomfortable with this stuff - I don't like the self-promotion, I don't like tooting my own horn, I don't like networking, I don't like cultivating contacts - but I figure if so many people get famous/notorious for filming their worst behavior/making terrible music videos/sleeping with Tiger Woods or Charlie Sheen, why can't I parlay this into something awesome like a book deal or a plate of free tacos?)

(also, part 2, electric buggaloo - this whole experience has cemented my policy of not reading comments on the internet as I am superduper fragile and CANNOT handle even anonymous commenterscalling my stuff a "waste of time and thread" or "fail" - WORDS HURT, Y'ALL and it's seriously everything I can do to NOT lash out and reply to stuff like that)

2011-12-10T14:06:00.000-08:00

okay, so maybe I need to stop acting like this is a full-time job because I'm doing exactly what I do in an office environment - miraculously find 90 bajillion ways to distract myself from the task at hand.

Also, the main way that this is not like a "real" job? I can't pilfer office supplies and recently had to visit Staples to buy some boxes and bubblewrap. It was seriously all I could do NOT to buy myself a desk calendar (I don't have a desk), ergonomic mousepad (I use a laptop) and tape dispenser shaped like a high heel (no one needs one of those).

Also? I don't really have days off and the Christmas party is going to be a pretty lonely affair.

On the plus side, though? Most days I don't have to change out of my pajamas, I can go days without showering (although I don't know if that's really much of a "plus side" to anyone who isn't as gross as I am) and no one complains that I'm watching a Burn Notice marathon while working.

2011-12-09T18:11:00.000-08:00

I'm kind of having this kind of day -

basically, I stitched something a couple of months ago and posted it to Tumblr and it got a bunch of "likes" and I was happy because I have a delicate ego and am grateful for any and all validation.

A month or so later, it got reposted by someone else and got more likes and my cold black heart grew just a tiny bit warm.

Then about 2 weeks ago, someone ELSE reposted it and it got about 5 times more likes than ever and then it was getting featured on more and more websites (including, but not limited to the Huffington Effing Post!!!!) and the next thing I know, it's kind of a full-time job and I'm surprisingly able to buy Christmas presents with money earned from art (and I kind of have a waiting list that will probably carry me through February because I'm too ~~greedy~~ nice to turn down any requests). How did that happen?

so... really this post wasn't anything other than an excuse to post that picture of Milhouse and procrastinate on the stitching I should be doing...

Pro-Tip for anyone who could possibly end up ever sharing a bathroom with me

2011-12-05T09:33:00.000-08:00

Yes, I always have a dazzling array of shampoos and conditioners.

Yes, they are extremely tempting, what with their shiny bottles, intoxicating scents and promises of beautiful tresses.

No, I don't expect you to refrain from using them.

No, I won't be totally pissed if you use the last of my favorite conditioner.

Yes, I will be super-duper pissed if you use the last of my favorite conditioner and then leave it in the shower, thus tricking me into thinking that I have at least one more shower's worth of it.

2011-11-28T21:17:00.000-08:00

My Mormon Friend: Do you have a nativity set?

Me: Huh?

My Mormon Friend: Do you have a nativity set? I'm setting up a thing at church for Christmas and I'm having people bring in nativity sets for a big display and I don't know if I'm going to get enough from people at church...

Me: It's like you're speaking Swahili to me right now... I mean, do you even realize who you're talking to?

My Mormon Friend (with a wistful sigh): ... Yeah, I know

Dear Snotty Community College Girl Who Comments on The Kid's Facebook Too Often For My Liking,

2011-11-23T09:14:00.000-08:00

First of all - I know we didn't have Facebook when I was a kid, but 7th grade boys were not on my radar when I was in high school, let alone after that, so it's kind of weird that you have so many Facebook friends in junior high*.

Second of all - Even if you're trying to be helpful and mentor-y to The Kid, your comments are usually unnecessarily condescending and less-than-helpful.

Third of all - While you try to be all holier-than-thou to all these kids, like you're someone for them to look up to, it's kind of hard for anyone to take you seriously when your profile picture is you wearing a bikini top and booty shorts, dropping it low and looking more than a little bit wasted**.

How about you get your own shit together before trying to parent kids 6 or 7 years younger than you (all of whom already have parents, btw)? You want to help them out? Maybe you could try to set a good example instead of looking like you're auditioning for Girls Gone Wild, mmmkay?

kthx,

the mom who, for some reason, never liked you to begin with

*not to mention if the genders were reversed, you'd be on a watch list somewhere

** as pointed out by one of The Kid's friends when you were lecturing The Kid on the importance of respecting all adults

To Paraphrase the Great Philosopher, Kanye West: "We're all judgmental, I'm just the first to admit it"

2011-11-21T15:29:00.000-08:00

I have no problem admitting that I am judgmental - judgments, in my opinion, are a saver of time and effort - for instance, if you wear UGG boots, especially with shorts, I know that you and I have nothing in common, so I'm not going to extend the tiniest bit of effort to be friends with you. Same if you're vegan, Republican or can't manage to chew gum with your mouth closed.

And if you missed your son's basketball tournament* in Atascadero last weekend because you absolutely had to see the Twilight movie the weekend it came out? Well, regardless of how I felt about you before I knew that**, I will begin to actively dislike you. Way to have priorities, jackass.

* The Kid's team came in 3rd place out of 8 or 10 jr high teams around this area (and the one team they lost to ended up winning the whole thing)

**kind of liked her, she's funny and a little sarcastic, although there was a small red flag when she mentioned that she'd taken her daughter to LA specifically to go to a store belonging to the reality show family whose name rhymes with Schmardashian.

2011-11-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I started the day with a drive to Los Angeles at rush hour*.

Today, I started the day with a dental appointment and then some quality time at the DMV.

I can only assume tomorrow morning will be filled with papercuts and stubbed toes, because... really.

(on the plus side, long drives that start out before the sun is up usually include sunrises, which, it turns out, are very pretty)

*seriously considered making my stepmom live out here so I didn't have to make that drive

Fuck Los Angeles Traffic

2011-11-11T20:26:00.000-08:00

Had to drive three hours down to LAX to pick up my stepmom who is visiting for a few days and, in spite of having learned to drive on Southern California roads, I just can't with their traffic and the fact that every single person on the road was either talking on a phone (not hands-free), texting or eating a bowl of cereal (seriously!!!!!)

And add a little rain to that situation (people in California have rain-amnesia, every single time it rains, it's brand new to all of us) and you have a very irritated me.

I'm considering forcing my stepmom to stay out here permanently just so I can avoid making that drive again next Wednesday. The main benefit for her (other than living near enough for me to be able to cook for her all the time)? She wouldn't have to live in Florida anymore.

Okay, yeah, maybe I do rely on Google a bit too much

2011-11-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

I love Google.

Love it with the passion of a thousand suns - I am a huge sucker of useless information and Google own that stuff - I mean, how cool is it to have all the information in the whole world just a couple of keystrokes away?

Wondering the exchange rate between the US dollar and the Bulgarian lev? Google will figure that out for you in a second (currently, 1 lev = 0.6943 USD)

Trying to figure out what the Assistant US Attorney on Sons of Anarchy has appeared on because you know you've seen him somewhere before? Just ask Google (he was George Clooney's estranged wife's fiance from "O Brother, Where Art Thou")

Need to figure out the name of that jelly-like material outside the nucleus of a cell, so you can help your kid with his homework? Google to the rescue! (cytoplasm)

I love Google so much that I get a little bit frustrated when I need it and it can't help me - like today, when I was standing in front of my DVD collection trying to figure out if we own a couple of DVDs and hating that I have to actually LOOK at the DVDs instead of just being able to google "do I own 'Elf' or 'Idiocracy'?" (I still don't know, I got through one whole shelf then kind of ~~got distracted by something shiny~~ gave up.)

2011-11-06T21:09:00.000-08:00

me: Did you like the baked potato soup?

The Kid: um... not really

me: Why not?

The Kid: it was thicker than a soup, it was more like a chowder

me: And that's bad because?

The Kid: You should have said it was a chowder, you should have warned me. You can't just make chowder when you say you're making soup

me: Would you have liked it if I had called it baked potato chowder instead?

The Kid: not really, I don't like chowder, it's too thick, it's like thick gross soup

Maybe it's pms, maybe it's not

2011-11-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

I'm sure there are lots of reasons for cordially inviting some marginally annoying random guy on Words With Friends to "go eat a bag of dicks", right?

Right?

Dear Teachers at The Kid's School,

2011-11-02T16:50:00.000-07:00

If you send home a memo in the Comic Sans font, I will absolutely not take it seriously, regardless of the content of said memo. There are literally thousands of fonts that are less awful, you might as well put it in Curlz.

Just thought you might want to know!

kthxbai

Dear White-Suited Dude Soliciting Donations Outside of the Dollar Store,

2011-10-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

Dude.

You're soliciting donations outside the dollar store.

I'm assuming that the whole donation-solicitation thing is not an easy gig, especially in this economy, but you're trying to get cash from people who are buying nearly-expired foods and off-brand cosmetics (and, in my case, cheap picture frames and double-sided tape for embroidery).

I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, but... know your audience. Seriously.

Just trying to help you out,

The White Girl Who Ignored You When You Spoke Spanish To Her

How does that even become part of my vocabulary?

2011-10-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

Scene: in the middle of a discussion, while driving

me (pointing at something down the street): come on, that's like 100 meters away!

silence

The Dude: Meters?

The Kid: uh, yeah, thanks, Canada

Dear Uterus,

2011-10-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

35 days

27 days

29 days

30 days

26 days

33 days

Can we come to an agreement on the menstrual cycle length, please? I know that 28 days is industry standard, and I'm not saying it absolutely has to be 28, but a little consistency would be awesome. Otherwise, I downloaded that Aunt Flow tracker app on my iPod for nothing.

my day in photographs

2011-10-13T18:12:00.000-07:00

Drive to San Luis Obispo for an appointment *cough* psychiatrist *cough*. Find myself at a stoplight staring at a this random Native American statue raising the roof in the middle of some industrial area.

See a flower-festooned No Parking sign, park my car in the parking lot and run over to take a picture.

Take the elevator up to the second floor and spot the following pillow on a couch in a lobby shared by 4 or 5 different businesses. (here's the thing - if decorative pillow theft is such a HUGE problem in this tiny little lobby that you have to write this on every single pillow, just GET RID OF THE FUCKING PILLOWS)

after the appointment, stop by the beach because it's on the way home and it's about 90 bajillion degrees this week

See a seal out in the water and get so excited that I actually squeal out loud "OMIGOD, seal!!!!"

come home, decide that the house isn't nearly hot enough and make a loaf of no-knead bread in my brand new Dutch oven. (I will forgive it for making the house even hotter because the bread is THE SHIT)

The More You Know

2011-10-11T09:22:00.000-07:00

Apparently, you're supposed to purchase pork belly "with the rind removed".

I was not aware of this when I purchased my pork belly and I ended up with pork belly with a rind.

Do you know what that rind consists of? They call it a rind like it's the white part of the orange that you don't eat, but it's really the skin. The epidermis of the pig.

Do you know what pig skin is like? It's like squishy leather and if you run your hand over it, you can feel where the bristly hair used to be. Also, those nubby little pieces of skin on one side? Nipples.

Fortunately, by the time I identified the nipples, I'd already mixed up the salt cure rub and was already too far into the bacon-making process to turn back just because I was skeeved out by swine nipples.

Also, fun to learn, that rind, that pig skin doesn't just peel off like the skin of a orange, it's on there, it's attached and you will probably go through three different knives just trying to separate them before you finally drag out the Thanksgiving electric knife.

By the end, you will be covered in little bits of pig fat and convinced that if this doesn't turn out to be the best bacon ever, you're never going to experiment in the kitchen again. Ever.

Sometimes I just can't wait until I'm old and can say really inappropriate stuff in public

2011-10-10T11:07:00.000-07:00

So I'm at the dog park with my dogs and it's during the day, so I'm the youngest person there by about 20 years. I'm hanging out with these three ladies, all of whom I would guess to be in their 60s*.

This cute little spaniel-y dog comes up to me and rolls over so I squat down to pet his belly** and one of the ladies leans over to her friend and says:

"his peter is so much bigger than Bear's."

I pretend I didn't hear that because there are some things I don't discuss at the dog park (or anywhere). Like dog junk.

The spaniel's owner says:

"What? His feet?"

The lady says, a little more loudly:

"No, his peter."

I look to the spaniel's owner to see if she's going to be mortified by these women comparing the sizes of dog wangs and she just laughs and says:

"I know, he's got a big dick!"

*I'm terrible at guessing ages, especially of old people, I honestly can't tell the different between a 65-year-old and a 214-year-old. But these ladies were grandma-age, with the grandma-appropriate short hair and cutesy sweatshirts.

** I'm much better at interpreting dog body-language than people language-language

you know what's awesome?

2011-10-09T22:31:00.000-07:00

Knowing you forgot something as you're leaving the grocery store then getting home and realizing that it was rice noodles which you need for the pho you were planning for dinner and thinking that you're going to have to use freaking Top Ramen in your pho which will be kind of weird and sort of take it out of the realm of pho and into the realm of cobbled-together-recipes-I-make-because-I'm-too-lazy-to-go-back-to-the-store but then finding an unopened package of rice noodles that you bought a month ago just so you'd have it.

Yay for being ahead of myself. And for pho.

Really, Facebook?

2011-10-04T19:06:00.000-07:00

Really?

No, I most certainly did not spend most of my morning today driving around down in search of pork belly.

2011-10-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

And I didn't spend slightly more than $30 (plus shipping) on one of those hideous naked rain oil hanging lamps from the 70s off of eBay yesterday.

Okay, maybe I actually did both of those things, but in my defense, the pork belly is going to be made into homemade bacon, which... who even knew you could make homemade bacon? And as soon as the curing salt I ordered off of eBay gets here, I'm going to haul that Flintstone-sized hunk of pig out of the freezer, coat it in some other spices and make the hell out of some bacon*.

I have no excuse for the lamp, though. Nor do I have any place in the house to put it.

*And that had better be some good bacon because I had to take my life in my own hands by venturing all the way across town** to the Hispanic grocery store which is decorated like Tijuana and where they look at me like I'm from another planet every time I go in there because I'm the only person not buying cow stomach and cactus leaves. Although this was the only grocery store butcher that didn't look at me like I'd just ordered marinated kitten when I asked for pork belly.

** this is, of course, relative "all the way across town" here is about a 10 minute, 5 or 10 mile drive. In a major city, that would have taken me an hour.

internal dialogue

2011-09-28T13:30:00.000-07:00

8:00 AM

the grown-up side of my brain: It's going to be a super hot* day, you should probably get an early start on those errands you need to run

the other 90% of my brain: But... couch. And... internet

9:45 AM

the grown-up side of my brain: Seriously, you should take a shower and get some shit done

the other 90% of my brain: I know, but... couch. And... internet

10:30 AM

the grown-up side of my brain: Okay, you can forgo the shower if you wear makeup and put your hair up in a clip, but you should really go run your errands now before it gets hot

the other 90% of my brain: okay, but... couch. And... internet

12:00 PM

the grown-up side of my brain: Could you at least do a load of laundry or maybe wash last night's dinner dishes?

the other 90% of my brain: But... couch. And... internet

1:00 PM

the grown-up side of my brain: Would it kill you to toss last night's dishes in the dishwasher and start it?

the other 90% of my brain: I don't think so, but do I really want to chance it? And have I mentioned the couch and the internet?

1:25 PM

the grown-up side of my brain: You do realize that you haven't even defrosted anything for dinner, right? If you go to the grocery store now, in addition to the stuff you need, you could also get stuff for a salad and a salad means you don't have to cook anything and can keep the house cooler

the other 90% of my brain: fiiiiiiiine. I'm just going to take a quick nap first

* "super hot" being a relative term, it's supposed to be in the low 80s, but for here, and for someone who loves cold weather, that's hot.

I know I'm a mom so I'm supposed to think no one is good enough for my kid

2011-09-25T19:53:00.000-07:00

but every time some girl comments on The Kid's Facebook page "your cute", I want to comment either

"his WHAT is cute?"

or

"get the hell off of Facebook and go read a book or learn English, you duck-lipped* troglodyte"

*Why the hell is no one under the age of 30 capable of having his or her (okay, mostly her) picture taken without doing that stupid kissy-face? I don't understand - is it supposed to be cute? Is it supposed to be sexy? What is it supposed to be?

These are the people in your neighborhood

2011-09-22T12:31:00.000-07:00

Remember how the lady from Casa De Christian across the street from me wanted to be BFFs after she kicked out her philandering minister husband?

Then remember how her husband moved back in and then she started acting like I didn't exist?

Well, apparently the dude got kicked out again and I'm guessing that she might be planning to sell the house because for the past week, she's had a bunch of church people over helping to fix-up the place and no one does all those piddly little home repairs unless they're looking to offload the place. I think it might be a bad luck house, though, because the last owners experienced a divorce and a foreclosure when they lived there and then this happened... I wonder if they'll put that in the listing.

It's a scientific fact that 95% of hats are a mistake.

2011-09-18T16:38:00.000-07:00

me: when you get old, if you wear one of those dumb old man hats, I'm never going to go anywhere with you.

him: in that case, I'll start wearing one now.

Dear My Child,

2011-09-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

I appreciate that after a summer full of various injuries (sprained ankle in a basketball game, disgustingly bruised finger and various contusions from running into a pole on your bike, bloody scratches and scrapes from falling off of a quad in the middle of the woods), you decided to wait until THE EVENING BEFORE SCHOOL PICTURES to do trip over your own feet during a football game in the front yard and faceplant on the concrete.

Way to go!

you so much can't see the cut from this angle, but you can get a pretty good idea of the lumpy goose egg that had swelled up ON HIS FACE within about a minute of his accident.

EDIT: picture day pictures to show how well the bruise has bloomed

2011-09-10T22:52:00.000-07:00

I am a conscientious objector to all the 9/11 celebramemberence stuff for the same reasons I think Valentine's Day is stupid -

1) 99% of the decorations are gratuitous and tacky

and

2) it shouldn't be a one specific day thing - it should be something that's acknowledged or remembered every day in your own way

And if feeling that makes me a jerk, well... it's certainly not the first thing to make me a jerk and I can pretty much guarantee it won't be the last.

Best email snippets of the week

2011-09-10T15:07:00.000-07:00

1) "LEMON ZEST! Bitch!!!!"

2) "Yeah, you're kind of a big deal."

3) "[The Kid] is great, I'm glad you let him come up to this unsupervised house"

4) "Always Muslim Chic."

no context is necessary

Vegans can fuck right off

2011-09-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

So, due to my ongoing issues with depression, I've pretty much got zero interest in ~~anything~~ my usual hobbies so I spend most of my days stumbling around the internet, looking at stuff and I found a recipe for a chocolate pie using tofu instead of dairy products and all the reviews were positive, stuff about how it's "delicious" and "healthy" and "no one will ever guess it's vegan!" I figured I could give it a shot.

I got the right kind of tofu and a pie crust and put it all together this afternoon (when I was home alone, I didn't want anyone poisoned by the idea of tofu in a dessert before trying it).

On the plus side - it didn't taste like tofu.

On the negative side - it was gross. Very gross. It was like eating chocolate-flavored styrofoam. Except less appetizing.

On the semi-plus side - I laughed until I was crying when I finally fessed up as to why the pie had an odd texture.

Vegans, stop trying to pretend that your gross, cruelty-free foods taste as good as or better than real food, okay?

Once again it's just proven that vegans are just... I can't with them. Especially vegans who claim to be herbivores because they love and/or respect animals too much - you know what, if you're not smart enough to be able to like animals and understand the concept of the food chain, you and I have nothing to talk about. If animals weren't put here on the earth for us to eat, they wouldn't be comprised entirely of meat, they would be made of stone or quinoa or something else non-edible like that.

2011-09-06T20:09:00.000-07:00

voiceover guy on tv: download the updated Sons of Anarchy app from the App Store

him: who needs a Sons of Anarchy App?

me: I know! I mean, it's one of the best shows on tv, but unless it's got some kind of an index of Charlie Hunnam's nekkid scenes and the ability to watch them in slow motion... well, that would probably be worth $0.99...

him: ...

me: I'll check it out

2011-09-02T21:32:00.000-07:00

me: I'm so itchy all over, I'm going to scratch all my skin off

him: I thought you took an allergy pill earlier

me: I did, but it was one I found in the bottom of my purse... it might not have even been an allergy pill, but I'm pretty sure I spilled a bottle of allergy pills in there when we were in San Diego... it was probably an allergy pill, it was small and white and didn't have any writing on it... and it was a little bit dirty, not sticky or anything...

him: how have you managed to be alive this long without drowning yourself in the shower?

me: it's one of the great mysteries of the universe

2011-09-01T23:19:00.000-07:00

Ambien is weird, it's this teeny little pill, pop it in your mouth and you won't even feel it going down (unlike my horrible vitamin B supplement I take which expands into the size of a throw pillow once it reaches the back of my throat and then I have to swallow about 14 gallons of water just to get all of its hateful jagged pieces out of my throat.)

Although, unlike vitamin B's continued assault on me (making my pee toxic yellow and smelling faintly of cereal), Ambien just kind of slides in like a cool comforter, just covering me up like a warm hug of a mug of tea... although I'd kind of prefer hot apple cider, if you'd be willing to make it for me right now.

k, the local news is all kinds of boring (like all small town newscasts) and I'm not confident that I could focus my eyes on the tv long enough to locate another tv show I might to watch... I'm not even convenient that there are any tv shows I feel like watching right now... especially since I'm probably going to collapse on the bed the second I get there (please note - it took at least 5 minutes to write out that sentence)

You know, ambien is kind of like manna from heaven, it kind of makes me feel jell-o-ified and mellow and like I couldn't possibly think any of my ridonk crazy-person thoughts. Which is awesome.

fuck, I'm tired.

Have you ever had one of those days where one tiny detail of the day just changes your whole perspective?

2011-08-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

I mean, it's crazy how one tiny little thing can happen and make you question every aspect of your life, make you just say "wtf am I doing?", make you realize that you really have to change your life.

Today, I'm doing my prep work for dinner, chopping veggies, boiling potatoes, turning on the oven for bacon and I reach into the meat drawer in the refrigerator for the ziploc baggie of bacon.

As I'm thinking that I can't remember the last time we had bacon, I pull out the lump of pork and realize that something seems... off. I unfold the delicious streaked meat and, to my horror, find a furry little colony of mold.

Mold. On bacon.

That means that fatty handful of salty, porky deliciousness was allowed to sit in my refrigerator for long enough to sprout mold.

When did I become someone who lets bacon sit, uneaten, long enough to mold?

Sometimes it's like I don't even know myself at all.

Sometimes things don't work out exactly like you think they will

2011-08-27T21:55:00.000-07:00

Because I'm a big fan of food (both cooking and eating it), I watch a lot of Food Network - the other day, I saw someone cooking a pizza on a grill and figured that I might want to try it - I mean, I'm pretty ace in the kitchen, but I've never attempted outdoor cooking - how hard could it be, though, right? And I had all those gorgeous tomatoes from the neighbor's garden and a pizza with slices of tomato and big slabs of mozzarella sounds like a pretty spectacular dinner, am I right or am I right?

So I whip up a batch of my super easy pizza dough and cart it and some olive oil outside to the barbecue. I haphazardly brush some oil on the grill, stretch out the dough a little and toss it on. A couple of minutes later, I decide that I should turn the dough over so the other side gets all toasty and a little charred, then I was going to toss on the tomatoes and cheese and let it cook - easy enough...

or so I thought

apparently I should have turned the grill down and let it cook for a bit longer before trying to flip it (since it's not a pancake)

Still, there were some decent-sized pieces, so I figured I'd at least get some appetizers out of it.

and they were really good, in a rustic kind of way.

So pizza on the grill with fresh tomatoes and mozzarella? hell to the yes

me operating the grill? maybe not

Dear Local Person Who Owns My Car Twin,

2011-08-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

Please stop shopping at stores where I shop when I shop in them because I feel like a complete idiot every time I stand behind your car and furiously press the button on my keyfob for five minutes before I realize that I actually parked five spots over.

Thanks a bunch!

xxoo,

me

How to Feel Smart and Get Free Tomatoes

2011-08-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

Step 1: agree to "come take a look" at the new router with which your next-door-neighbor/landlord is having a problem getting himself and the old lady renting a room from him connected to the internet (even though you don't really know that much about PCs)

Step 2: spend approximately 30 seconds studying the mess before suggesting that they unplug both the router and the modem then plug them back in.

Step 3: Look like a fucking genius when the computers *magically* work immediately after the reset

Bonus geniousity: Within 5 seconds to help the old lady find her contacts on the updated Yahoo Mail

Step 4: Take home about 3 pounds of vine-ripened tomatoes from the insane bounty of the old lady's garden

The More You Know

2011-08-25T15:28:00.000-07:00

so I go to a movie today, middle of the day, and I end up in a theater full of... well, I don't want to say that these people were old, but it was mostly 90-year-old women and their grandmothers.

Cool, I think, at least no one will be texting during the movie.

Not cool, I found out, because everyone in there was talking during the whole movie and someone let his phone ring 5 times before finally answering it, because it's not like there are 75 million reminders to turn off your phone placed throughout the theater. Seriously, they were more obnoxious than a movie theater full of children.

I'm almost at the point where illegally downloading movies from the internet is sounding like a great idea just so I wouldn't have to deal with that 50% of the general public who doesn't understand movie-going etiquette*

*which I will helpfully sum up in 2 rules:

1) Turn off your fucking phone
2) Shut the fuck up while the movie is playing

Awwww, Baby's First X-Ray

2011-08-22T15:01:00.000-07:00

Funnest way to spend the last day of summer or what?

This weekend, he was riding his bike and ran into a pole. This morning, his finger was the least healthy shade of green (that unfortunately wouldn't come out in a picture), so we sucked it up and went to the doctor. I'm no radiologist (but I do watch a lot of "House"), but I thought I saw a tiny little fracture in that middle finger, which would make this baby's first broken bone, too, but we still need to wait to hear back from the doctor. Fingers crossed he'll be able to cross his fingers again soon.

my kid is weird

2011-08-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

me: Did you just fistbump the cat?

The Kid: yeah, why?

Okay, whose brilliant idea was it to bake broccoli for dinner? (mine)

2011-08-15T17:55:00.001-07:00

because now the house smells like butt.

In other news, baked broccoli is delicious.

some pictures of stuff from last weekend

2011-08-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

Qualcomm Stadium is ginormous but necessary for the opening ceremonies because it was something like the junior olympics and kind of a big deal.

This is the state flag of Mississippi. You stay classy, Mississippi

This was a group of girls who were maybe 10-ish-years-old, dressed like whores and performing to "Poker Face" (a performance that included copious ass-smacking and a bit of stage-humping - when they were done, I didn't know if we were supposed to clap or throw dollar bills) - they made me incredibly glad to not have a daughter.

This was some band of siblings who were proficient on their instruments and adept at playing cover songs and got laughed at when they asked the crowd who was planning on going to see the 3-D Glee movie* (apparently one of the kids had some part on the show)

This was some Navy Seals sky-diving team, which was pretty much the best part of the whole thing.

*wrong crowd, dude - you have a stadium full of kids and families of kids who have competed in sports to be the best to qualify to come to this thing, these people don't buy into the whole "you're a special snowflake because you're you!" crap that Glee sells. Also, why the hell does it have to be in 3-D?

what a long fucking weekend.

2011-08-07T20:38:00.000-07:00

Have I previously mentioned how much I do not love traveling? (this trip included 5-hour drives to San Diego and back)

Have I previously mentioned how much I do not love hotels? (I can't really explain it, something about the scratchy sheets and weird smells and dry air and un-opening windows) (this trip included a stay at the grodiest Holiday Inn on the planet - ants in the room, shower pressure of a light drizzle and smoky hallways)

Have I previously mentioned how much I do not love crowds? (apparently, the thing my kid was there for was kind of a big deal, basically the junior olympics, and they had the opening ceremonies at the stadium where the Chargers play and 30k other people and I were there to witness it)

Have I previously mentioned how much I do not love fireworks? (okay, that's new for me, I just figured it out at the opening ceremony thing, they're just so loud and loud and loud and they're especially bad when I'm surrounded by 30k other people)

But I did get to see one of my oldest and dearest pals who was also in San Diego for her (insanely adorable) child athlete and they were staying at a redonkulous (and presumably ant-free) hotel in downtown.

The trip to downtown might have been my favorite part of the trip, in addition to seeing my pal and her offspring, I got to stare up at the big buildings as though I were a total yokel, got to squeal with excitement over seeing real live hobos, got to see a business named "Chee Chee"*

and got to walk past a grown man standing contemplatively on a street corner dressed only in boxers**

* unfortunately, I had my telephoto lens on my camera so I couldn't zoom out enough to get a shot of the seedy front of this building and the seedy bouncer/drifter out front.

** you know that shit only happens in big cities - sometimes I hate that I live in such a small town because there's not nearly enough weird shit to photograph.

Can't take me anywhere

2011-08-05T16:01:00.000-07:00

The scene - getting ready to go to the opening ceremonies of whatever tournament we're at today

The Kid (pointing at my flip flops with a decidedly teenage lip curl): are those the only shoes you brought?

Me: Sorry, did someone forget to tell me that we're going to a royal wedding?

You know what's awesome about a 5 hour road trip when one really isn't a big fan of travelling?

2011-08-04T17:23:00.000-07:00

~~missing almost half of it by falling into a gummi bear and klonopin induced coma~~

not so much, really

Dear Pet Snake,

2011-08-01T18:25:00.000-07:00

That was my finger, not your lunch. You're lucky I'm such a badass that I managed to not drop you.

In the future, please stick to chomping on rodents.

Thanks a heap,

me

Dear Endless String of Vapid 22-Year-Olds Who Sleep With Hugh Hefner,

2011-07-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH HUGH HEFNER!!!! I don't want to see it trending on twitter, I don't want to see a blurb about it on CNN, I don't even want to think about it.

He was born in 1926, HE WAS A SENIOR CITIZEN WHEN YOU WERE BORN!!!!

Also, it's okay to keep some of the details of your private life private, I promise the world will not stop turning.

Thanks,

The Rest of the World

2011-07-28T20:42:00.000-07:00

scene: conversation in which I try to explain the withdrawal symptoms that occur during the transition from one anti-depressant to another.

me: you know how it feels when you touch your tongue to a battery? That's kind of what my brain feels like all freaking day long.

The Kid (with a horrified look on his face): your... tongue... to... a... battery...? WHO DOES THAT?

me: We didn't have cable or the internet when we were growing up

Dear Sea World,

2011-07-28T10:01:00.000-07:00

The Kid has a basketball tournament in San Diego next weekend and San Diego has a Sea World - yay!

Who doesn't love a place to get close to super awesome marine animals without the possibility of being eaten by a shark?

So of course I go to your website to see what kind of exhibits you have, since it's been a few years since my last visit and guess what I found out?

It costs $70 per person to get in (plus $14 for parking, plus however much it costs to get lunch).

I can only assume that this price includes my very own real live penguin to take home with me.

I mean, it doesn't say on the website that everyone gets a penguin, but I can't imagine another reason why it would cost so much.

Of course, with the economy being as gross as it is, I'm a teensy bit worried that building and maintaining a penguin habitat in the yard might be a bit cost prohibitive, so maybe we could opt out of the penguin and just pay a more reasonable entrance fee - you know, something that doesn't equal 3 weeks worth of groceries for a family of 3? Let me know before I try to sell The Kid on a trip to Ikea instead.

xxoo,

me

2011-07-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

Dude With a Pen and a Prescription Pad: When you start to have issues with depression, do you notice any irritability?

Me: This morning, I honked at a senior citizen because he was taking too long to drive over a speed bump

Dude With a Pen and a Prescription Pad: I'll take that as a yes

Fun fact

2011-07-22T22:26:00.000-07:00

If, on Friday afternoon, you cut up a couple habanero peppers for the Jamaican jerk marinade for the pork that will be Saturday's dinner, your fingers will still contain considerable amounts of habanero oil on Friday night when you go to remove your contact lenses (even if you wash your hands 95 times and rub them with milk, oil and baking soda like the internet suggested).

speaking of cooking, the other day I decided to start a food blog (like everyone else on the internet), it's new and I'm sure I'll abandon it within another week or so as soon as I find something else shiny and new and interesting.

2011-07-21T20:05:00.000-07:00

So the 6-year-old little sister of one of The Kid's teammates has decided to adopt me because ~~children can sense the my kind heart and the child-like joy I have~~ I have candy, lip balm and a nice camera in my purse.

During the last game, while the little girl is bemoaning the lack of good games on my iPod, her 2-year-old little brother comes over and starts begging to have his picture taken - of course I oblige because the child is gorgeous -

then he starts going through my purse, picking through my wallet, trying on all the bracelets and sampling all the lip balms*.

As he starts to put a furry cough drop in his mouth, then reach for my Swiss Army Knife, I make the clicking noise I make when one of my pets is misbehaving and tell him "Leave it!" and I realize 2 things:

1) My purse is not especially toddler-safe
and
2) I no longer** have any idea how to interact with children.

*

** I know that this implies that I did, at one time, have some idea of how to interact with children, but honestly, I can't say for sure

famous last words in parenting

2011-07-19T21:44:00.000-07:00

The Kid: [Mormon Kid] texted me to ask if I could come to his house

Me: Do you have any practices* or anything else going on today?

The Kid: Nope. And if you can take me up there, they'll bring me home later

Me (thinking): holy crap, a whole day to myself to ~~nap~~ clean the house and contribute positively to society

Me: Is his mom home?

The Kid: I don't think so

Me: okay, it's not like you can get into any trouble at the compound**

~~~hours later~~~

The Kid (running in the house holding out his cell phone): Mom, check out this picture I took of the rattlesnake we killed! It was sitting on the basketball court and tried to bite us!

Me (trying not to think about what would have happened if they had been bitten, considering how long it would have taken for an ambulance to get out there): wow, that's a really great picture of a headless snake, make sure you put it on Facebook

* the kid's on 3 basketball teams right now, I can't possibly keep any of them straight

** seriously, it's a gated property comprised of a billion acres in the hills/mountains about 30 miles outside of town - part of it is farmland, but so much of it is just hills and rocks and streams. The Kid and the Mormon Kid can spend hours alternating between playing video games, playing basketball, riding quads and running around shooting trees and squirrels with airsoft guns. It's like Disneyland for boys.

Dear People Upstairs,

2011-07-17T07:37:00.000-07:00

What the fuck are you doing up there, moving furniture? You're in a fucking hotel, I think the furniture is bolted to the ground.

Also, you're in a fucking hotel which means there's a good chance there are people in the room below you (US!!!!!) so try to keep it the fuck down and stop slamming doors, running, jumping and doing what-the-fuck-ever it is that's making so much racket!

Thanks a heap,

the sleep deprived people on the first floor

2011-07-16T20:07:00.000-07:00

so I'm currently on the super-duper slow internet of some random hotel in Ventura (weekend basketball trip for one of The Kid's teams) and, in spite of the hotel being on the water, it's about 5 degrees warmer (about 74) here than it is where I live, which makes it about 2 degrees warmer than is comfortable for me (especially factoring in the humidity and the fact that I straightened my hair today, but forgot to bring my straightening iron, which means that tomorrow my hair will be wavy/bumpy enough to make me self-conscious about it).

And I think I might have gotten a sunburn on my shoulders and forehead when I was sitting outside between games.

Summer in Southern California is brutal.

2011-07-14T23:37:00.000-07:00

If I were to strike it rich, you know, by winning the lottery or getting knocked up by a married celebrity or politician, my first order of business would be to hire someone to match up my tupperware containers with the appropriate lids.

2011-07-13T21:56:00.000-07:00

him: Is this a new "Burn Notice"

me: no, it's the one from last week

him: I'm not sure if I saw it or not, which one is it?

me: it's the one where they do spy stuff

him: that's every episode of "Burn Notice"

me: exactly, even if you've never seen it before, you've seen it before, there will be cool spy gadgets, fake accents, ~~the extremely hot Jeffrey Donovan who seems super-duper smart on the show, but I know from his Twitter that he's, disappointly, not as smart IRL~~, explosions and yogurt.

him: so you don't know which one it is?

me: it's the one from last week, the one where they do spy stuff.

My Least Favorite Part of Summer

2011-07-10T20:12:00.000-07:00

~~the oppressive heat that bakes this area for at least three days every summer making anything other than sitting directly in front of a fan impossible~~

boob sweat

2011-07-08T21:20:00.000-07:00

when people find out that I have the depression, they seem to fall into one of the following categories -

1) People who have and/or understand depression - these people are the least judgmental, usually we just compare meds and move on to the next topic.

2) People who really have no clue what depression is and relate how when they get "sad", YouTube videos of kittens always cheer them up - if I'm in the mood to be educational, I'll explain how it's actually a chemical imbalance, blah blah blah. If I'm not in the mood, I'll just smile and nod.

3) People who panic a little and act like I'm a little glass swans, like I need to be handled with kid gloves lest I fall off of my shelf and shatter into 12,000 pieces - my Mormon friend does this, after I opened up to her about my recent pharmaceutical struggles, she goes out of her way to be extra sweet to me, going so far as to tell me I look "so pretty" (even when I know I don't) every time she sees me. I don't so much mind, she's trying.

and the ~~best~~ worst
4) People who looked shocked that I'm out in public and not trussed up like this

Mental Health is one of those hush-hush topics, but in the last few years, a few celebrities have "come out" as crazy (Catherine Zeta Jones, ~~Ron Artest~~ Metta World Peace, Owen Wilson) and people seem to be more open to the idea that just because someone has a couple of mental health issues, that person isn't irrevocably broken (which will hopefully result in more people identifying and working on any imbalances they may have), and that's really great, but I would seriously be thrilled if people could just understand that depressed is not the same as kind-of-bummed-they-discontinued-the-McRib

2011-06-30T23:17:00.000-07:00

We live in what real estate agents would call a desirable neighborhood - quiet streets, good schools, nice houses* and because of this, many of the kids The Kid hangs out with are from upper middle class families and while we're not exactly living in abject poverty, we're definitely in a lower tax bracket than these families.

Sometimes I feel bad that I'm the mom at basketball games wearing beat-up Converse instead of rhinestone flip-flops and carrying a $6 satchel with 50 pockets instead of some name brand purse.

Today I realized that it's actually better to be the mom I am - no one expects us to contribute much money for stuff, no one invites me to go shopping and I don't have to clean my house because no one is beating down my door to hang out. Kids like coming over here, though, because they can flop on the couches or run around the yard winging water balloons at each other without me yelling at them to keep it down or to use a coaster. And if I send the kid home with a belly full of something other than pork rinds and vodka, it seems like I've done my job - sometimes I even surprise everyone by whipping up some homemade food like pizza or empanadas and them the parents ask for my recipe.

So maybe I don't drive a BMW suv or vacation in the Canary Islands for a month every year, but I've also got zero pressure to be Martha Stewart (and, really, I just painted my nails today, so all of that cleaning would fuck up my sparkly dark blue manicure). In parenting, as in every other aspect of my life, my goal is to make people expect less of me. And I'm doing great at it!

*before the economy went all pear-shaped, you pretty much couldn't touch a house in this zip code for under half a million

fun with telemarketers

2011-06-27T20:38:00.000-07:00

Douche with Questionable Vocational Choices: I'm excited to tell you that, because of your phone number, you've been selected to get a $100 department store gift voucher that you can use at any department store such as Target, Walmart...

me: um... do we really consider Walmart a department store?

D w/ QVC: um... as I was saying, because you made a recent purchase, you have been selected to receive this voucher.

me: whoa, I thought you said I got it because of my phone number

D w/ QVC: So all I need from you is your credit card number to pay for the $2.95 shipping of the voucher...

me: is that voucher made of iron ore? Or are you sending it via gold-plated carrier pigeon? I can't imagine why else it would cost so much to ship a voucher? Wouldn't it just be easier to email it? Everyone shops online now...

D w/ QVC: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah [click]

2011-06-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

him: we rented some movies

me: cool, what did you get?

him: we got "Paranormal Activity 2"...

me: ugh*, did you get anything for me?

him: yeah, we got some chick flick

me (thinking that I'd just checked one of those kiosks and hadn't seen anything I would want to see): really? What is it?

him: I think it's called "Fair Game" or something?

me: is that the movie with Cindy Crawford and that Baldwin brother? It's really old.

him: no, it's got Naomi Watts in it

me: Naomi Watts isn't really a chick flick kind of actress, who else is in it?

him: I don't know, I think Sean Penn?

Because, really, nothing says chick flick to me like Sean Penn. I mean, remember how good he was in "27 Dresses" and "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days"? And who could forget how awesome he was in "The Wedding Planner"?

It turns out to be a ridonkulously boring movie about the CIA and politics and shit.

And the lesson of the day? Having a woman on the cover of the dvd does not make a movie a chick flick.

*I knew nothing about it, but a movie that is a sequel to a movie I've never seen AND filmed in that annoying quasi-documentary style is not a movie I would even pay $1 to rent

2011-06-24T21:26:00.000-07:00

Realtor with whom we were looking at houses today: Okay, you guys, have a good weekend! [The Kid] good luck at your tournament tomorrow, I hope you play good!

The Kid and I (as soon as she's out of earshot): ... Well

The Kid and I: jinx

The Kid and I: double jinx

The Kid and I: triple jinx

I love that he is just as persnickety about grammar AND immature as I am

Dear My Landlord,

2011-06-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

I appreciate and am more than a little envious of your ability to be so handy and build-y - I mean, you built a freaking house right behind the house we live in, how cool is that?

Might I request, though, that if you're going to be all handy and build-y at the house right behind ours that you not start with that shit at 6:30AM? It's not like we live in Phoenix where 99.8% of the day is too hot to be outside, it's not supposed to be warmer than 70 today.

Here's hoping you won't be back on that table saw when I try to take a nap later.

xxoo,

me

Here's how smart I am sometimes -

2011-06-23T22:47:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling like crap* and actually spent a good couple of minutes vacillating over whether or not I should call and cancel my doctor's appointment for today.

Yep, I considered calling in sick for a doctor's appointment.

Also, I've picked up so many prescriptions from Walgreen's within the last 2 weeks that everyone in the store recognizes me and is probably taking bets on what exactly my dysfunction actually is.**

*after I had gotten over my gross summer cold, The Kid was kind enough to bring home a new one from basketball camp - who says only children don't share?

** assumably, once the brand spanking new anti-anxiety meds kick in, I'll stop worrying about completely ridonkulous things like that.

on the eve of my first fatherless Father's Day

2011-06-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

I was in the middle of this post about my dad, mostly childhood stuff and nonsense, but I couldn't really get it to say what I wanted to say and then I realized that it was a bunch of memories that I probably needed to keep just for me.

I will say this, though - if my dad were the type of beer-swilling, little-league-coaching, backyard-barbecuing dad that's been portrayed in the seventy seven kajillion commercials for polo shirts, power tools and edible arrangements I've seen in the last month, I would probably be a basket case right now. As it is, I get a little verklempt every time I see his name on the first page of contacts in my phone or when gmail suggests that I might want to add him onto certain emails I send.

2011-06-17T10:58:00.000-07:00

I finally get in touch with the doctor's office lady and she says that my bloodwork shows I'm extremely low in Vitamin D* - She said it like that "extremely low in Vitamin D", you could actually hear the italics in her voice. I know, I know, you'd think my sunny personality alone would be enough to keep me stocked up, but apparently, it's not. It probably doesn't help either that I don't often eat fish, I avoid milk because I'm sporadically lactose intolerant and when I get the depression, the last thing I want to do is go out and frolic in the sun.

So... yay, a new pill to take.

*how extremely low, you ask? Normal Vitamin D levels are 30-74 blahblahs/per blahblah and my level was 9 blahblah/per blahblah

2011-06-16T21:24:00.000-07:00

(necessary backstory: it's been about 2 months or so since I've felt anything but bummed out and mostly absent from my own life, so I finally decided to suck it up and make an appointment with the doctor - he upped my anti-depressant and sent me to get some blood drawn so they could make sure there was nothing wrong [past the obvious, of course])

Dear Doctor's Office Lady Who Left Me A Somber Voicemail That My Bloodwork Was Back And She Wanted To Speak To Me About It,

I really appreciate you not returning my call after I returned your call, I really appreciate having the entire night to watch episodes of "House" and stress the hell out and about what it potentially wrong with me (past the obvious, of course).

Thanks a heap!

xxoo,

me

I don't care that it's only 60-something degrees and overcast*

2011-06-11T19:32:00.000-07:00

I have a case of Otter Pops in my freezer, so it's officially summer**

*suck it, people in Arizona and all over the freaking South, I actually had to put on a cardigan when I went out to look for ripe apricots this morning

**Additionally, school got out yesterday, so that kind of makes it summer, too

2011-06-08T20:09:00.000-07:00

"Pressure increases for Weiner"

"Wife committed to Weiner"

"NYers slightly favor Weiner"

"Weiner calls Bill Clinton"

"Weiner's got competition"

"It's a matter of time for Weiner"

"What was Weiner thinking"

Dear Representative Weiner,

The only thing I know about your politics is that you're super liberal (OMG, ME TOO!) and I don't care whether or not you tweeted your pics of yourself to random skanks, that's between you and your internet service provider (and your wife, too, I suppose), but seeing your name in headlines makes me giggle so much that I hope you stay in politics forever and ever and ever.

xxoo,

me

Just getting prepared for summer...

2011-06-07T15:23:00.000-07:00

*

*j/k - he actually locked himself into the carrier, he was trying to prove that there was no way for the new dog** to get out of the crate that she is all too capable of getting herself

** yes, new dog, she's a six-year-old Boston Terrier (totally copying my sister) who was a stray, then adopted, then returned to the shelter because she was "too mellow" - she's great with the dog and the cats and sleeps about 23.5 hours of the day and if she were house-trained***, she would be the perfect
dog

*** for effing real, how does a dog get to be 6 and not trained at all? Seriously, she doesn't even know "sit".

Either I'm getting stupider, or there is way too much math involved in purchasing toilet paper.

2011-06-03T18:51:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I must have been standing in the paper products aisle at Albertson's this afternoon for a good ten minutes trying to figure out, between the double rolls, triple rolls and "8 jumbo rolls = 18 regular rolls" a common denominator so I could break it down by cost.

Dear Spider I Trapped Under a Can of Bathroom Cleaner 2 days ago,

2011-05-30T17:44:00.000-07:00

HOW WERE YOU STILL ALIVE TODAY WHEN I GRABBED SAID BATHROOM CLEANER TO USE IT????

That's not right.

Sorry I tried to assassinate you with Scrubbing Bubbles, which apparently aren't an effective arachnid killer... and then sorry I swept you up with a paper towel and tossed you into the trash to assumably die a slow death - it would have been easier for everyone if I were capable of squishing bugs, but, alas, I am not.

Hope you're not still alive and waiting to come attack me in my sleep.

Hopefully your family members will learn to stay the fuck out of my house.

Thanks!

2011-05-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

So... the neighbor lady who felt it was necessary to come to my house to tell me her husband was an adulterer* and she'd kicked him out, didn't feel it was necessary to let me know that she and her family were going to have a yard sale, you know, in case we wanted to have one, too**

* I'm assuming they're back together as he's living there again and she's back to acting like I don't exist (not a huge loss, she had big Dallas hair, wears high-heeled clogs and is churchy, so it's not like we were going to be pals, it's just that she didn't need to be so transparent in her usage of me as an emotional tampon)

**not that I would have wanted to have one, I'm sick as crap, haven't showered in 2 days and the thought of sitting outside at 6AM and haggling over pennies with strangers appeals to me about as much as a pap smear on a bed of nails right now, but it's just weird the communication that exists in a neighborhood, that's all I'm sayin'.

Screws fall out all the time, the world's an imperfect place

2011-05-24T23:20:00.000-07:00

the world may be imperfect, but this was perfection to me in my early teen years

ah, teen years, schmeen years, who am I kidding, he could still get it.

in case anyone was worried

2011-05-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Woman Who Continues To Call At All Hours, Disregard My Voicemail Greeting And Leave Messages For Her Daughter (who isn't me),

2011-05-17T14:38:00.000-07:00

Please stop calling at all hours, disregarding my voicemail greeting and leaving messages for your daughter (who isn't me).

Also, when I was nice enough to call you back to let you know that you were calling the wrong number (because you sound about 400 years old and pretty frail and sad and I felt bad for you), you acted like you had no idea what I was talking about and claimed that you never use your phone. Even when I repeated back your messages to you, pretty much verbatim, you still claimed innocence. Fine, whatever, be like that.

Sincerely hoping that you don't drive,

me

2011-05-16T14:58:00.000-07:00

so, my car decides to stall today at the gas station and, like the She-hulk I am, I push it into a nearby parking space, pop the hood and stick my head right in there.

Then I realize that I'm only marginally capable of putting gas in it, wtf do I think I'm going to find under there? Like there's going to be flashing yellow light that says "this is what's broken and here's how to fix it"?

turned out that my battery had gone bad, but thanks to some dentally-challenged dude at some random auto parts store and way more money than I would have expected, it's been replaced - yay

2011-05-15T23:48:00.000-07:00

so, apparently we're not leaving California at the moment - the dude got the job offer for the thing in Washington, but the offer wasn't awesome enough to lure us away from here.

As much as I do truly love it here, I was kind of looking forward to living nearer to a bigger city and a bigger airport and an Ikea, oh, and my sister, of course - and I had kind of sort of mentally broken up with* California and was kind of sort of excited about moving and learning a new city...

But alas, one drive down our stupidly lovely coast and I'm in love with the state again.

We are talking about moving, though, buying a place since now is pretty much the only time in the history of the state when anyone who isn't a kazillionaire can afford to buy - and I suppose, if we're staying forever and ever (or at least a couple more years), might as well live somewhere where I can paint the walls.

And looking for a house is super fun, I'm actually not super picky with houses - sure, I tend to prefer mid-century modern architecture and/or slightly older homes in neighborhoods where no one has a pit bull chained up to their front porch or fifteen cars up on blocks in the yard, but other than that, if a house has a garbage disposal (our rental house doesn't and it drives me NUTS) and has a master bedroom that isn't an add-on, thus not matching the rest of the house and possibly being poorly built and/or having crappy ventilation (our rental house, the house we owned in Savannah AND our last house in Phoenix all had that), and a fenced backyard for the pets, I'll be a happy girl. Oh, and if it had a refrigerator that didn't freeze the fuck out of everything in the bottom half of it, that would kind of be nice, too.

Although, the next time this house needs some stupid expensive repair, I might go ahead and rethink the ownership thing...

*I'm good like that with pretty much everything, once I see the finish line of something, we're pretty much done - like when you have that "oh" moment with a person**, or when you know you're going to get fired from a job, or when your favorite tv show jumps the shark.

** you know, when you meet someone and you get along great and you're considering adding them to your instant messenger or and then you find out that he or she is vegan or a Republican or batshit crazy or just boring as hell - right after that moment, *poof* magically over them and they're deleted from my phone and my facebook

Dear Fuckface Who Stole the GPS Unit Out Of My Vehicle Last Night,

2011-05-10T08:33:00.000-07:00

I hate to tell you you, but that unit is 1) super low-end, 2) about 4 or 5 years old and 3) I've never updated the software - If you're planning on using it yourself (which I doubt, since you're obviously on foot) you're screwed. If you were planning on pawning it, you'll be lucky to get enough for lunch off of a dollar menu, no way you're going to get enough to support your crack habit.

Sorry I didn't have more for you to steal.

Good luck with your life and your choices.

p.s. you forgot the cord

p.p.s. eat a bag of dicks

EDIT:

Dear Super Cute Sheriff's Deputy,

Thanks for being nice and not making fun of me for 1) filing a report about my stolen old, not-worth-much GPS and 2) admitting that I'd left my vehicle unlocked last night*.

xxoo,

the girl who was glad she remembered undergarments, makeup and brushed hair this morning

* shut up, I'm not the only one who thinks it's a safe neighborhood, apparently I was the 4th person this morning to report a theft in the neighborhood and it was only 9AM when I filed the report.

if you need me, I'll be on the porch picking my banjo and drinking moonshine out of a jar

2011-05-07T15:55:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, I needed to go to the grocery store to get whatever I get there, I got dressed, put on a little makeup, made my hair look slightly less ratty than it does when I wake up, grabbed my keys and purse and headed out.

I locked the door behind me, walked out to my car, went to start the car then realized that I wasn't wearing shoes.

Yep, got all the way out to my car before realizing that I was barefoot. Granted, it's springtime in California, so the weather is all Goldilocks*, but still!

And then today, we were getting ready to take the dog for a walk - halfway through me putting on my spiffy new shape-up shoes**, we decided to take him to the dog park instead - so I finish putting on the shoes, leash up the dog, grab my keys and halfway to the park, I realize - I'm braless. Of course I don't keep this fact to myself***

me: It's like we're from Alabama!
him: correction, it's like you're from Alabama.

*not too hot, not too cold

** which, in addition to being all kinds of ugly, are spectacularly uncomfortable

*** not that it wouldn't have been obvious sooner or later - I am occasionally jealous of small-boobed people who don't have to strap them down all the time

2011-05-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

So I've mentioned my recent follicular issues and, after more boxes of hairdye, packages of grape kool-aid and gallons of conditioner than I'd like to admit, my hair is probably about as close to the Aniston-esque color as it's going to get for now - go, me - but because of all that, my hair was a little damaged and I had to lose a bit of the length, so instead of the below the shoulder mop I've been sporting for a while, it's a teeny bit above my shoulders and layered (it's about 2 inches shorter than tan-realtor-with-an-ad-in-the-local-newspaper and about 3 inches longer than chubby-white-girl-who-has-an-eyebrow-ring-and-dates-black-guys).

Today, I'm at a basketball game for The Kid and the mom of one of his teammates does a doubletake when she sees me.

"You are always doing different stuff with your hair!" she says, as though it's news to me. (granted she's probably had the same hairstyle since 1991, so it probably seems weird to her)

We're not pals so I'm not going to bore her with the hair chronicles, so I just say "Oh, yeah, you know, I'm always trying new things. I should probably just shave it off..." and before I can say "and buy wigs instead", she interrupts and says -

"Oh, and start over?"

This woman's kid and The Kid have been on the same basketball team on and off for over 2 years and she is pathologically incapable of remembering my name... but she thinks she knows me well enough that she can finish my sentences?

Sometimes you just never know.

2011-04-28T14:26:00.000-07:00

The other night, my Siamese cat jumps up onto the part of the kitchen counter that's open to the living room, shivers a couple of times and lets out a rainbow of barf right across the Kid's backpack.

"See?" says the dude. "That's why I tell you not to leave your stuff on the floor."

The Kid stops looking grossed out and looks confused. "Because the cat might some day projectile vomit on it?"

"Exactly."

~~~~~

And today I found out why it's important to always clean up the dinner pans right away - because you might be washing a pan from the previous night's chicken piccata and and a dried up piece of angelhair pasta will jam its way deep under your thumbnail and make you drop the pan and yell "MOTHERFUCKER" right by the open kitchen window.