Monday, November 04, 2013him: We have to leave in a minute, are you going to get dressed?
me (looking down at my sweats and baggy t-shirt): It's 7AM and I'm going to have dental surgery. Unless we're stopping at the White House for coffee on the way, I think I'm good.
In related news, dental surgery suuuuuuuucks, I'm going to die if I have to eat soft food for days and I didn't even get to keep my tooth like the doctor said (but I did get a prescription for Vicodin, so that's a little consolation).
Labels: first world problems
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Dear Young Guy Who Works at the Walgreen's Pharmacy,Every single time I go to pick up my meds, you're working and that's great because you're much nicer and more competent than the other pharmacy tech people who work there.
Since you see the myriad of prescriptions I pick up on a monthly basis, you know I'm all kinds of crazy, which is fine, I'm glad we don't have any secrets. I would like you to know, though, that even though I blank on the most basic information in front of you (last month it was my PIN, today, my home address), I'm not a complete simpleton, you're just very very cute. Distractingly cute. Just thought you should know now since I probably won't be able to remember the spelling of my last name next month.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
at the risk of sounding like a swooning schoolgirl...THE KANYE WEST CONCERT WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER. IT WAS HUGE AND OVER-THE-TOP, WITH PYROTECHNICS, FACELESS DANCERS, A MOUNTAIN ON STAGE, A CAMEO BY "WHITE JESUS", AND A WEIRD HAIRBALL ON LEGS THAT CREPT AROUND FOR A COUPLE OF SONGS. BUT UNDERNEATH ALL THE THEATRICS AND WEIRDNESS, IT WAS REALLY JUST A RIDICULOUSLY TALENTED GUY PERFORMING FOR AN ARENA FULL OF PEOPLE WHO KNEW EVERY NOTE OF EVERY SONG,
AND, BECAUSE IT WAS HIS LAST LA CONCERT, HE ADDED A FEW EXTRA SONGS AND MAYBE THERE WERE A COUPLE TIMES DURING THE SHOW WHEN I WAS WORRIED I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO FORWARD MY MAIL, BUT I REALLY DIDN'T WANT THE SHOW TO END.
(also, less deserving of all-caps is a "pre-diagnosis" from my shrink of me maybe being "a little bit bipolar" - whatever, all it means right now is a new pill. I'm starting to feel like a guinea pig for whatever traditional and/or alternate therapies anyone can come up with and if this keeps up, I'm going to have to upgrade my little pill organizer to something roughly the size of a steamer trunk, so... yay)
Thursday, October 24, 2013
You might be depressed if...Upon completion of your shower, you realize that you've forgotten to bring a clean towel into the bathroom and you spend a good five minutes standing on the bathmat trying to decide whether or not you should walk down the hallway and get a towel or just stand there and drip dry.
Labels: le crazy
Monday, October 21, 2013
THIS POST DESERVES ALL CAPS!!!!ONE WEEK FROM TODAY, I'M GOING TO SEE KANYE WEST IN CONCERT AND I AM UNREASONABLY EXCITED ABOUT IT!!!!!!
ONE WEEK AFTER THAT, I'M GETTING TWO WISDOM TEETH REMOVED. I AM SIGNIFICANTLY LESS EXCITED ABOUT THAT!!!!
Sunday, October 13, 2013The Kid (playing a violent video game): I just got offered a mission to kill four people for $7000. Would you kill four people for $7000?
Me (not looking up from whatever embroidery I'm working on) : I don't know, I guess it would depend on who they were.
The Kid: Umm... it says they're jurors.
Me: Yeah, but I'd need to know who they really are. Are they people who don't use turn signals? Are they people who block the entire aisle at grocery stores with no regard to anyone else in the store? Are they people who text in the movies? If it's them, yeah, I'd probably consider it. What about you?
The Kid: No.
The Kid: Yeah, $7000 is way too low.
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting
Wednesday, September 04, 2013
Even laziness needs checks and balancesAfter spending a week in a state full of insanely healthy people, I decided to get a little ambitious, dust the cobwebs off of my bike, pump up the tires and ride it a couple miles over to the post office to drop off some packages.
Then later when I was home, I vacuumed around some coins on the floor because I didn't want to bend over and pick them up.
Labels: "awesome" ends with "me"
Friday, August 30, 2013me (asleep): ...
him (off work today for the long weekend, loudly "creeping" into the bedroom and clearing his throat): ...
me (peeling one eye open):...
him: were you planning on sleeping all day?
me: I was working on it...
him: do you know what time it is?
me: I don't. On account of having been asleep.
him: it's 11.
him: I wish I could sleep until 11.
me: yeah, it's a talent.
him: I've been up since 6:30.
me: did [the kid] get up, have breakfast and get off to school okay?
me (rolling over and pulling the covers up) : my work here is done.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Colorado - Where the Men are Men, the Bikes are Expensive and if You Think You Might Be Smelling Weed, You're Smelling WeedBetween body washes and manscaping and gluten-free snacks, sometimes it seems like guys in California are about 15% girl. Guys in Colorado are all dude.
This is Steve, one of the dudes New Belgium flew out to follow the race, he lives in California now but is indigenous to Colorado. He wakes up at the crack of dawn to go running in the woods and wrestle wolves*, he rides bikes off paths, he makes friends with hillbilly guys from Arkansas who share with him their gallon of homemade moonshine**, and he cleans his nails with a fucking saw blade thing he found in the toolbox in the back of the van.
Minutes before this, after several minutes of me begging, he used the same saw blade thing to open up a beer bottle***
And, just so this post is something more than Colorado Dude Appreciation, here's a shot of the ridiculous landscape
and a shot of the expensive bikes (a shot for which I stood out in the rain for 40 minutes to get)
And a shot I thought was going to be a shot of expensive bikes on a sunny day, but all I can see in this picture is a scrotum squeezing itself out from the bottom of that guy's cut offs.
And a shot of my van crew (and, yes, I'm wearing a trucker hat, shut up, a week is a long time and my hair is temperamental)
from left to right - Social Media Beer Guy (our babysitter/chaperone/tour guide/food buyer/driver/all-around good guy), me, Manly Man, and the super talented cartoonist/illustrator (who spent a ridiculous amount of the week looking for pot,,, which is legal there, btw)
*I'm not positive about this one, I was too busy sleeping - I still don't get why anyone would wake up early on purpose, especially when we were being put up in super nice hotels with really comfortable beds.
**I'm positive about this one - we were set up on top of a mountain for one day of the race and by the end of the day, the Arkansas guys were pretty much ready to teach him all of the secrets of their brewery... is it a brewery? Moonshinery? Still?
***I tried to get a picture of the actual chopping of the bottle, but I wasn't quick enough with the camera and you can't just ask a manly man for a re-do on something like that.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Remember that bike and beer thing?Yeah, well, it happened... it's happening... I'm in Colorado right now staring out the balcony of a hotel room, watching ski-lifty things moving up and down a wildflower-covered mountain.
New Belgium Beer (recently voted one of the best places to work) flew me out to Colorado to spend a week following the USA Pro Challenge bike race (it's "America's Race") and being creative about it.
I've been here since Sunday and it's been a dizzying crash course in bikes, bike racing, beer and breathing in high altitudes.
I've learned that there is more to bicycle racing than just going fast, I ate Colorado-style pizza with honey on the crust, I've seen more lycra than I'd ever imagined and I met Bill Walton in my hotel hallway last night.
I've taken about 90 bajillion pictures of dizzying landscapes and wildflowers and lots of other nature-type stuff, but I forgot the cord for my camera (and I forgot sunscreen, which was worse than forgetting the cord because the sun out here is not kind to pasty white skin like mine). So that will have to wait.