Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Things About Which I Am Currently Freaking The Fuck Out

• My freaking surgery is Thursday at 7:30AM
• I have to get to the hospital 2 hours ahead of time*
• The night before and the morning of the surgery, I'm only allowed to use some specific hospital-provided bodywash and NO lotion or deodorant**
• The operation is on my lower back which means I'm going to be ass-up on the operating table
• What are they going to do with my arms during the surgery?
• I don't think the hospital has wifi
• I hope they don't make me spend the night, I'd rather just grab a couple of handfuls of meds and go home
• Medical insurance confuses the fuck out of me 
• I just got a freelance writing job with one of MTV's websites and it pays money, real American money - how cool is that? I've even filled out tax forms and everything, so I'm a legit (freelance) employee
• I've gotten a teeny bit of movement back in my left foot

(I'm freaking the fuck out in a good way about the last couple)

*I don't understand - is there going to be a line? Do I have to go through the TSA? Is it a first-come-first-served situation? Will there be snacks? I already got my bloodwork and EKG done.

**I'm so worried about stinking and being leathery - I would say I hope that the operating room is cold so I don't sweat, but I don't want it so cold that the surgeon's hands get all crampy and numb, dude needs to be in prime condition for the tiny little surgery with that microscope and power tool since, if I'm not going to get a cool scar out of this***, it had better get me ambulatory and out of pain

*** it's microsurgery so the incision is going to be less than an inch

Labels: first world problems

Thursday, January 26, 2012

So the worst part of this whole herniated disc thing?*

I use my feet a lot - Other than walking, I use them for pick up stuff, shut the fridge, close the dishwasher - they're like extra hands for me** and now I'm without the use of one extra hand and it sucks.

Oh, and I'm also freaking the fuck out about having to have back surgery, which, even though it's the least invasive of all the herniation surgeries, it's still fucking back surgery.



*other than being uncomfortable most of the time, being super depressed because my body doesn't work, having to shuffle-limp everywhere, spending a ridiculous amount of time and money in doctors' offices and having to spend my kid's 13th birthday ass up on an operating table, of course

** yes, I'm kind of simian and it kind of grosses out my sister

Saturday, January 21, 2012

him: the realtor* emailed and said that she's got a cold and she can't meet us today

me: so I showered and put on underwear for nothing? I'm going back to bed.



*on the one hand, real estate is CHEAP right now, I mean, what other time ever would I be able to buy a house in California? On the other hand, it's kind of awesome to renting and not being responsible for anything that breaks or dies or leaks.

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me"

And where did you get your medical degree?

So yesterday I'm over at my landlord's house troubleshooting something on his computer (because he's barely capable of using the internet) and he asks why I'm limping (because he's immune to social niceties like not asking ultra personal questions) so I tell him it's this herniated disc thing, it's pinching the nerves and I have no feeling in my leg/foot and I have to get some fancy microdiscectomy surgery to fix it.


Landlord: You know why that happened? Because your body is out of balance, you don't use both sides equally, I make my kids write with their left hands so they won't have any back problems.

Me (pretending to focus on rearranging his screen): Mmmhmm

Landlord: You know, you really don't need surgery, you just need to stretch more

Me (biting my tongue to keep from mentioning that I've tried "stretching more" for several years, I've also tried physical therapy and anything else doctors have suggested to me. At this point, I don't have use of one leg - which makes is kind of difficult to, you know, WALK. And I've seen the MRI and the gross bulge-y thing sticking out of my spine isn't just going to pop back in if I go all downward dog on it)

Landlord: Are they doing the spinal fusion?

Me: no, it's a microdiscectomy, which is way less invasive and has a shorter recovery time. It can even be done as an outpatient procedure

Landlord: You should really have the fusion instead. The doctor is just doing that one so he'll have to do another one on you and get more money from the insurance company.

Admittedly, the neurosurgeon was kind of a dick (which, according to television and movies, means that he's an ace at his job... but seriously, I don't need Patch Adams, I'm not going to start a book club with him, I just want him to have steady hands),  I'm going to go ahead and go with the opinion of the board-certified guy with 30 years of medical experience, not the guy who took 3 weeks to figure out why the roof in my bedroom was leaking.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Sometimes depression is like a Paula Abdul song

no, not quintessentially 80s featuring a skeevy rapping animated cat (not usually, anyway), but 2 steps forward, then 2 steps back

Labels: le crazy

I wonder if there is a faction of singer/songwriters who aspire only to be featured in emotional blackmail animal rescue commercials and saccharine ads for adult dating websites.

Saturday, January 07, 2012

so... got an inquiry last night from a company whose name is a combination of the words "GROUP" and COUPON" - they wanted to sell my "quirky" embroidery... I explained twice that that my stuff is handmade (I even went in to excruciating "needle and thread" details) and their stuff is mass-produced and discounted (not that there's anything wrong with that, I love me some cheap, mass-produced stuff) - they asked me if I knew of anyone else "manufacturing" embroidery. *sigh*

I politely declined and they told me that if I ever "hire more employees", they'd love to offer me exposure to their 50 million subscribers.

Don't get me wrong, I'm shocked and flattered to even have someone think for a second that my little crafts deserve that kind of an audience, and I know I sound like an ungrateful jerk to make jokes about it, but... well, aside from actually being an ungrateful jerk, is it too much to want people to have the tiniest clue as to what they're trying to solicit?


My other First World Problems of the day include:

• the whale-watching trip we were supposed to take today was cancelled because the waves were too tall.
• none of the doctor's offices I've been to for appointments this week have wifi
• the itty-bitty corticosteroid pills I'm supposed to take 4 times a day, need to be cut in half and, apparently require some kind of special equipment as I've never busted one into less than 25 pieces
• while I'm mostly out of pain, my foot is still numb and generally functioning at about 35% of what it should be, so things like walking and putting on pants take me about 75 times longer (my MRI showed a herniated disk, so I get to see a neurologist about it next week)

Labels: first world problems

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Dear Vicodin

This might seem premature, since we only became acquainted with each other this afternoon (after an unreasonably long wait in an uncomfortable chair at Walgreens), but I think I might be in love with you.

You might think this is just because you're directly responsible for my first pain-free moments in I don't know how long* - I'm not even bothered by the sprained big toe on my other foot** - but I really don't want to be without you. Ever again. For reals.

xxoo


*probably around a week, but back-pain-time is like dog years

** my left foot is numb and it's resulted in me being clumsier than usual and I took an impossible fall the other night that resulted in some crazy pain in my right foot (accompanied by a bruise with no less than 5 different colors)!

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Everybody does those end-o'-the-year retrospectives, but... whatever - 2011 started out with me losing my dad. Something like that kind of sets the tone for the year, you know?

I started out 2012 at Urgent Care, begging for something stronger than the Advil/Tylenol/Aleve* to take the edge off of the pain of a pinched nerve in my back that I've been enjoying since last Thursday**.

Also, "Urgent Care" is quite the misnomer - it should really be called "Open-During-The-Day-When-You-Can't-Get-In-To-See-Your-Regular-Doctor-But-Aren't-Bad-Enough-To-Warrant-A-Trip-To-The-Emergency-Room Care"because I was there for 2 hours, there were only 2 people in front of me and I saw nothing I would even remotely describe as "urgent". Also, not to be all White Whine or anything, but the least they could have done was offer free wifi since they had no tv or magazines. Fortunately I was able to catch up on some reading, so I guess that's good?



*I ended up with an injection of and a prescription for Toradol (?) - not exactly the Vicodin I was hoping for, but the injection I got of the stuff seems to be working okay. And they gave me some Hydrocodone for sleep. At least this should hold me until the doctor's office is open on Tuesday.

**everything on the internet says to rest up for a couple of days and see if it gets better before you go to the doctor (Also, I will do just about anything to avoid going to the doctor) - I waited a couple of days and it's gotten nothing but worse and I woke up this morning with my leg numb from the knee down and I'm assuming that's bad.

Labels: first world problems

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

 so it was well over a year ago since I last updated my 100 things (and I'm always looking for ways to procrastinate) so here's the new almost-2012 edition of 100 things

1. I won't carry a purse unless it's big enough to hold my camera
2. I always have my camera with me
3. my favorite comfort food is mashed potatoes and brown gravy
4. I am terrified of spiders, cockroaches and sharks
5. I love taking pictures of creepy spiders
6. In spite of my paralyzing fear of sharks, I love the beach and the ocean
7. I'm more prone to wearing lip balm than lipstick
8. I hate greeting cards
9. I watch a lot of tv
10. I always have my iPod/iTunes on shuffle
11. Otis Redding is the only artist I never skip on shuffle
12. I prefer my eggs over-medium
13. Rye is my favorite type of bread
14. Raspberries are my favorite berry
15. I hate talking on the phone
16. I hate voicemails (seriously, send me a text)
17. I am insanely disorganized
18. I've been dyeing my hair since I was about 15
19. At least every couple years I try to dye my hair blond, but it always looks crappy on me
20. I like tattoos
21. I played roller derby for a couple of years and sometimes I miss it like crazy
22. I like the smells of rain, fresh cut grass and fabric softener
23. I like my bacon crispy
24. My eyes are officially hazel, but they are usually murky green color
25. I go out of my way to avoid contact with most people
26. My brain works at a different speed than my mouth and sometimes I forget words when I'm in the middle of a sentence
27. I have a very short temper
28. I drive a Prius, but I'm not one of those Prius driver-type people
29. I'm a Google junkie, I google everyone and everything
30. I don't like to lie, but this doesn't mean I always tell the whole truth
31. I rarely go out of my way to be friends with anyone
32. I love Doris Day/Rock Hudson movies
33. My favorite necklace is a tiny silver thing that says "Eat at Joes"
34. I sleep with my feet sticking out from under the covers
35. I always order iced tea at restaurants
36. I love cilantro
37. Thanksgiving is my favorite day to cook - it's like the Super Bowl of cooking to me
38. My favorite pizza toppings are pepperoni and black olives
39. My biggest pet peeve is when people use "your" when it should be "you're"
40. I can be a little persnickety about spelling and grammar
41. Usually I don't think before I speak
42. I am categorically unable to keep plants alive
43. I think "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips is one of the best songs ever written
44. My favorite tv shows are "Psych", "Sons of Anarchy" and "Justified"
45. My current favorite painter is Jose Royo
46. I saw an exhibit of Royo paintings a few years ago in Vegas and almost cried because they were so beautiful
47. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with horses and the Smurfs
48. I like really dark coffee with real cream, evaporated milk or sweetened condensed milk
49. I wish I could speak a second language - preferably French or Italian
50. I have 2 dogs, 2 cat, 4 snakes, a bearded dragon and a kid
51. If I had the room, I'd love to have goats and chickens because I fell in love with them with I worked at the farm in Texas (go donate if you can, they need it, those animals insist on eating every single day)
52. "Hot Fuzz" is one of my favorite movies
53. "Valley Girl" is another
54. "Gladiator" is another
55. "An Affair to Remember" is another
56. I paint, embroider, write and take pictures
57. Photography is, at the same time, the easiest and most difficult of my artistic pursuits
58. I have a spectacular collection of knee socks from my derby days, but I usually hate having to wear anything other than flip flops
59. I'm always barefoot at home
60. I don't have a favorite color
61. I'm extremely nearsighted (but will never be seen in public in my glasses because they make me look like a bug)
62. I love mid-century modern architecture
63. I have had a problem with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and have been working on finding the right cocktail of meds for the last couple of years
64. I have a degenerative disk thing in my back and have been working on finding the right cocktail of exercises, stretching and over-the-counter stuff, but there are still some days when I can barely walk
65. My wisdom teeth still haven't come in
66. I like giraffes and any other animal with long eyelashes
67. I can't draw
68. I like ridiculous people and things
69. ... tee hee, 69
70. I can be incredibly immature (see above)
71. I wish I knew how to knit or crochet
72. I started liking basketball because The Kid plays it
73. The Kid is the funniest person on the planet
74. My favorite basketball teams are the Lakers, the Clippers, the Celtics and whatever team The Kid is on
75. I find small towns charming
76. I make excellent cinnamon rolls and croissants
77. Being able to make croissants is one of my biggest achievements
78. I always use my turn signals, even when no one is around
79. I don't always drive the speed limit
80. I hate hate HATE being stuck in traffic
81. Punctuality is important to me
82. I'm sporadically lactose-intolerant
83. When I was a kid, I had aspirations of being a jockey and a lawyer (not at the same time, but how cool would that have been?)
84. I make my own pizza dough
85. My dad passed away in January of this year and it hits me at the weirdest times
86. I used to collect stickers like crazy when I was a kid
87. I drink a lot of water
88. I used to get really bad grades in handwriting when I was in elementary school
89. I've wanted to be a writer since I was in 2nd grade
90. I generally assume that everyone I meet is cooler than I am
91. I can never find the matching lids of my tupperware containers
92. I can be a very absent friend and, unless it's within two weeks of mine, I will forget your birthday
93. I don't understand the need of people to share every single mundane detail of their lives
94. I check my Facebook and Twitter maybe once a day to see if anyone has given birth or died
95. I do everything in my power to not read comments on the internet
96. I have an endless capacity for useless knowledge and like to share it
97. No one is still reading this
98. Flugelhorn
99. Seriously, no one
100. I've got a comeback for every situation, even if I don't think of it until an hour too late

Labels: just... why?

Saturday, December 24, 2011

him: why do we have four pounds of butter in the refrigerator?

me: there's a butter shortage in Norway

him: and?

me: you never know when something like that could happen here and I don't want to end up having to bake something using margarine!


Holidays activate my OCD and I become irrationally afraid of running out of everyday household stuff like toilet paper, cilantro and dog food (and butter, obviously). In the days preceding a holiday, I take inventory of everything in the house and stock up with enough supplies to last for a month... because the world ends if Christmas happens and I don't have enough fabric softener? And even if I did run out, it's not like Walgreen's isn't open and willing to sell me eggs, double-sided tape and pantyhose at 4AM right?

I do the same thing on vacations - no matter how long I'm going to be gone, I cart with me enough shampoo, conditioner, band-aids and tampons to take last the entire city a week and a half.

Basically, look for me on the most boring episode of "Hoarders"

Labels: first world problems

Dear Neighbors 2 Houses Down,

It's been super duper nice of you guys to share your pounding calliope/mariachi music all day!

And it's so nice of y'all to have it so loud that the whole neighborhood can hear it!

And while I super duper appreciate being able to feel like like a part of your Christmas Eve celebration, (even with all the windows in the house closed!) I now have a headache and can feel the bass pounding in side of my head, so I wonder if you guys wouldn't mind turning it down just a touch. Not just for me, you guys have at least 5 or 6 kids living in that house and going deaf won't be good for any of them.

Thanks a heap and Merry Christmas!

Labels: first world problems, letter to

Friday, December 23, 2011

I seriously can't wait for Christmas

Not for the presents or the treats or any of that usual stuff - I'm mainly looking forward to an end to those commercials where car dealerships and other retail establishments bastardize Christmas carols to include their names or product lines.

Labels: just sayin'