Friday, August 30, 2013
me (asleep): ...him (off work today for the long weekend, loudly "creeping" into the bedroom and clearing his throat): ...
me (peeling one eye open):...
him: were you planning on sleeping all day?
me: I was working on it...
him: do you know what time it is?
me: I don't. On account of having been asleep.
him: it's 11.
me: huh.
him: I wish I could sleep until 11.
me: yeah, it's a talent.
him: I've been up since 6:30.
me: huh.
him: ...
me: did [the kid] get up, have breakfast and get off to school okay?
him: yes...?
me (rolling over and pulling the covers up) : my work here is done.
Labels: first world problems, I'm a jackass
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
One of my titles on my newest business cards is "Kind of a Jackass"
[scene: the middle of a stupid argument]me: you started this when I came home and you were mad...
him: I wasn't mad, I was upset
me: really? really? Oh, okay, be right back, I guess I'm going to need my thesaurus in order to continue this.
[later in the same argument]
him: you were the one who shouted...
me: Excuse you, I didn't shout. I spoke loudly.
**Bonus jackassery from later that night when I was at my kid's basketball practice - I'm stitching and I've got my earphones in.
Some mom I've seen a couple of times before but never spoken to ambles up to me and says:
"So I heard you're a pretty good artist?"
Like, I don't even know what to say to that - am I supposed to be all Kanye and say "You heard wrong, I'm a great artist", or am I supposed to give a typical answer I'd give like "oh, no, not really, I guess someone lied to you".
I just went with "Um... sometimes, I guess, maybe."
And she accepted that and walked away after promising to check out my stuff some time. (Seeing as she's one of the Coach-purse toting moms who drives a Mercedes or Lexus, I'm not too worried that she was ever going to be a customer... besides, it probably would have taken me too long to explain Twitter and Kanye and the fact that embroidery can actually be cool sometimes)
Labels: I'm a jackass
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
This is I am why we can't have nice things
Scene: a couple walking side-by-side on a nearly deserted beach with a golden watercolor sunset on a crisp, cloudless Thanksgiving evening.He put his arm around her shoulder and pulls her close.
Him (whispering into her windswept hair): I'm thankful every day for you and our family...
Her (punching him on the arm): Gross. Don't say stuff like that.
Labels: I take pictures, I'm a jackass
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
It's best to never ask me for directions
alternate title: GPS exists, please use itsomeone: What's the quickest way to get there?
me: helicopter, I would assume
(seriously, even if it's somewhere I've been a thousand times, I cannot tell you how to get there. Cannot. So please don't ask because you'll just end up being frustrated and thinking I'm an idiot. Trust me.)
Labels: I'm a jackass
Friday, October 26, 2012
You know you rely on Google too much
when you're supposed to go somewhere, but really would rather stay home in your pajamas and paint your toenails and you Google "excuses to get out of going out tonight".Google gave me nothing (not on the first page of results anyway and who goes past the first page? No one) and I ended up just saying "plans changed, can't go out, sorry" - laziest. excuse. ever.
If I can't count on Google for stuff like this, I'm really going to need to stop making plans with people.
Labels: first world problems, I'm a jackass
Thursday, October 18, 2012
What does it say about me when the least creepy thing I've done all week is offer a little girl candy*?
I'm just saying that sometimes I creep myself out. Not that the things I do are always intrinsically creepy, it's just that sometimes I do things that could be construed as creepy if someone didn't know me well enough.And speaking of creepy, my new eye doctor looks exactly like Dwight Schrute, and he has a twin brother. Because, you know, eye doctors with their smooth-jazz voices asking if it's "better one... better two" aren't creepy enough.
*it wasn't a random little girl, it was the sister of a kid on The Kid's basketball team, and technically, it wasn't candy, it was a little bag of fruit snacks, but still
Labels: I'm a jackass
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Yesterday, right in the middle of rush hour time, we happened to be driving home from getting something to eat at a time capsule from the 1970s*.him: ugh, I really don't want to get on the freeway
me: look, the next street is [some street], you can just take it all the way to [street near our house]
him (skeptically): does it go all the way through to [street near our house]?
me (confidently): sure
he gets out of the freeway turn lane and turns down the street I suggested.
him: do you know for sure that this street goes all the way through?
me: how long have you known me? I can barely find the end of the driveway without GPS, why would you take my word on something like that?**
*I am not even kidding, I'm pretty sure nothing in this restaurant has been updated or changed in 30-40 years, booths, counter seats, wood paneling on the walls, thrift store art on the walls - great barbecue and there is something
** turns out that particular street didn't go straight through to the street I thought, but it curved around and we ended up on another street by our house. Problem solved! (but seriously, never ask me for directions)
Labels: I'm a jackass
Friday, July 20, 2012
Do you ever get so grossed out by your bathtub (because you now have to share it with not one, but two boys) that you finish your shower, grab the shower cleaner and Mr Clean Magic Eraser (generic, of course) and climb back into the bathtub and start spraying and scrubbing like a naked crazy person and then get dizzy and almost pass out because the fumes of whatever you're using to clean are fucking STRONG?yeah, me neither.
Do you ever reach down into your bag of terrible ideas and come up with one that is so gross and terrible that it makes you want to take the shower cleaner and Mr Clean Magic Eraser (generic, of course) to your soul?
Yeah, me neither.
Labels: I'm a jackass
Monday, June 11, 2012
is it weird
that I have the same reaction to receiving facebook friend requests as I do to finding out that the bread I wanted to use for a sandwich has mold polka dots on it.Halfway between "Ugh" and "Ew"
Labels: I'm a jackass
Sunday, June 10, 2012
him: you've still got all that craft stuff behind the couch*, were you going to get it packed up**?me: I started the other day, but there was a spider back there, so... I guess we're leaving that stuff here.
him: ...
me: it was a really big spider.
him: ...
me: seriously, it's all I can do to even be in the living room right now.
*my "crafting studio" is my spot on the couch and the fireplace is right behind it, so I keep a lot of my stuff on the little fireplace bench.
** the company is paying for packing, but I'm trying to organize as much of my stuff beforehand because last time the packers did a crappy job and I couldn't find any of my stuff. Also, the new place is smaller so I'm going to attempt organization for the first time in my life. It will probably last 2 weeks tops.
Labels: first world problems, I'm a jackass
Friday, June 08, 2012
I don't like talking on the phone
I really just don't like it - if you're friends with me, you know that my preferred means of communication is email, after that it's texts, then IM, then hand-written letters, then Morse code, then smoke signals, then telepathy, then phone.I prefer to gather information from a conversation, digest it, then reply (I like to think I come off smarter that way) - phone conversations aren't like that, they're just so... there. Not to mention how much I hate the banalities of small talk, all the compulsory bullshit you have to go through before you get to whatever the actual conversation is about - "how are you", "how about this weather", "are you doing okay after your entire family was slaughtered by polar bears" - whatever, I'm not paying attention to your answers any more than you are.
Still there are people who insist on calling me and I can only dodge calls for so long.
I learned today that taking a call while grocery shopping is a bad idea because I get into a debate about whether or not Kevin Garnett is too old to be a viable trade option for the Lakers (he's not) and whether or not the Lakers should try to bring back Phil Jackson (they should), whether or not micro-internet fame is lucrative (it's not) and whether or not my soon-to-be neighborhood is a ghetto (it's not) and I pay more attention to the conversation than my shopping and I end up buying weird stuff like Cocoa Chex Mix, Wildberry Fruit Roll Ups and Crying Tiger Ramen instead of actual groceries.
Okay, let's be real, I would have bought the Crying Tiger Ramen anyway because... hello, Crying Tiger Ramen.
Labels: first world problems, I'm a jackass
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Every so often I see some petition for a "dislike" button on Facebook
but I really think an "acknowledge" button would be way more useful.Let's be real here - it would probably be pretty generous to say that at least half of your "friends" on Facebook are barely acquaintances - they aren't in your phone, they're probably not even people you would be pleasantly surprised to see somewhere in public, and yet we choose to constantly share these bits of our lives that range from the mundane* to major (marriage, birth).
Sometimes, those major status updates aren't happy - if someone posts a real bummer of an update (cat died, grandma entered rehab for a cocaine addiction, newly-paid-off car crushed by an out-of-control ice cream truck) and that person isn't someone I consider a close friend or even a friend at all, I don't want to leave a comment because that's way too friend-y (and I'm also terrible at posting genuine, non-sarcastic comments), and I look like an asshole** if I hit the "like" button.
Hitting an "acknowledge" button says "You posted something and I saw it" and, to be completely honest, that's usually about as much as I want to contribute to the situation.
* Let me just say - no one fucking cares that you can't decide whether to get McDonald's or Burger King for lunch or that you're watching some tv show at the same time 347 other people are or that you're "checking in" at Walgreens. And I'm sure your kid says super funny stuff all the time, but you don't have to quote every fucking thing he or she says. I've said it before, I'll say it again - absolutely no one is as interested in your life as you think they are - it's perfectly okay to keep some stuff to yourself.
** admittedly, I'm kind of an asshole, but clearly this person and all of their other "friends" don't need to know that
Labels: I'm a jackass
Monday, March 19, 2012
If you make a situation awkward, I'll make it awkwarder
It's my superpower.Today my physical therapy appointment was later than my usual and it was a fairly busy time on the therapy floor. The therapy place has 5 or 6 big bed things (they're seriously king-size bed sized) where people do exercises or get ice or heat therapy. Because it was so crowded, my therapist lady points me over to a bed where a lady is getting her ankle iced and reading a magazine on half of the bed.
I lay down on the bed and start doing my exercises and the lady turns to me and says "Oh, we're sharing a bed." She's a little weird about it, I mean, we're both fully clothed and in a room full of people, but she says it like we should each have one foot on the floor.
Before I can say anything, she says "Two strangers, sharing a bed!" like it's positively salacious.
So I say "Right? And for once I'm not drunk!"
Labels: I'm a jackass
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
physical therapist: Ideally, what would you like to get out of this therapyme: Ideally? Well, in a perfect world, I guess I'd come out with the ability to walk through walls or fly
physical therapist: ... okay, realistically, what would you like to get out of this therapy?
me: oh, realistically, I'd like to regain the feeling in my toes and get my ankle stronger
Labels: I'm a jackass
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
so apparently "time management" is a thing - did anyone know that?
prior to that little piece of embroidery getting all that attention, I pretty much spent most days dicking around on the internet.When all the attention first happened, I tried to integrate stitching lots of orders and answering lots of emails into my busy schedule of dicking around on the internet, and I quickly got overwhelmed - I got the flu, I developed an eye twitch, I couldn't sleep, blah blah blah.
One day last week while I was on my way to an appointment *cough*psychiatrist*cough* I realized that people are paying me to make art and that I really needed to get my shit together if I wanted to take advantage of being given an opportunity like this.
This was further confirmed when the doctor prescribed "better time management"* - so I went home and begged the best stitcher I know to help out and decided to stop stopping what I was doing when an email arrived and answer all my emails at the end of the day.
Now, I'm only working 8-9 hours a day on this stuff** and it turns out that all the stuff I usually do on the internet is still there when I'm done - WHO KNEW?
next step? Business cards... or at least an address stamp because, seriously, I don't even want to think about how much time I waste scrawling my return address on packages.
*and ambien (yay) and double the Wellbutrin
**which means, if I'm super productive, that I'm earning close-ish to minimum wage, BUT I can watch tv while I work and I don't have to put on makeup or even shower!
Labels: I'm a jackass
Monday, November 28, 2011
My Mormon Friend: Do you have a nativity set?Me: Huh?
My Mormon Friend: Do you have a nativity set? I'm setting up a thing at church for Christmas and I'm having people bring in nativity sets for a big display and I don't know if I'm going to get enough from people at church...
Me: It's like you're speaking Swahili to me right now... I mean, do you even realize who you're talking to?
My Mormon Friend (with a wistful sigh): ... Yeah, I know
Labels: I'm a jackass, what about your friends
Monday, November 21, 2011
To Paraphrase the Great Philosopher, Kanye West: "We're all judgmental, I'm just the first to admit it"
I have no problem admitting that I am judgmental - judgments, in my opinion, are a saver of time and effort - for instance, if you wear UGG boots, especially with shorts, I know that you and I have nothing in common, so I'm not going to extend the tiniest bit of effort to be friends with you. Same if you're vegan, Republican or can't manage to chew gum with your mouth closed.And if you missed your son's basketball tournament* in Atascadero last weekend because you absolutely had to see the Twilight movie the weekend it came out? Well, regardless of how I felt about you before I knew that**, I will begin to actively dislike you. Way to have priorities, jackass.
* The Kid's team came in 3rd place out of 8 or 10 jr high teams around this area (and the one team they lost to ended up winning the whole thing)
**kind of liked her, she's funny and a little sarcastic, although there was a small red flag when she mentioned that she'd taken her daughter to LA specifically to go to a store belonging to the reality show family whose name rhymes with Schmardashian.
Labels: I'm a jackass
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Okay, yeah, maybe I do rely on Google a bit too much
I love Google.Love it with the passion of a thousand suns - I am a huge sucker of useless information and Google own that stuff - I mean, how cool is it to have all the information in the whole world just a couple of keystrokes away?
Wondering the exchange rate between the US dollar and the Bulgarian lev? Google will figure that out for you in a second (currently, 1 lev = 0.6943 USD)
Trying to figure out what the Assistant US Attorney on Sons of Anarchy has appeared on because you know you've seen him somewhere before? Just ask Google (he was George Clooney's estranged wife's fiance from "O Brother, Where Art Thou")
Need to figure out the name of that jelly-like material outside the nucleus of a cell, so you can help your kid with his homework? Google to the rescue! (cytoplasm)
I love Google so much that I get a little bit frustrated when I need it and it can't help me - like today, when I was standing in front of my DVD collection trying to figure out if we own a couple of DVDs and hating that I have to actually LOOK at the DVDs instead of just being able to google "do I own 'Elf' or 'Idiocracy'?" (I still don't know, I got through one whole shelf then kind of
Labels: first world problems, I'm a jackass
Friday, November 04, 2011
Maybe it's pms, maybe it's not
I'm sure there are lots of reasons for cordially inviting some marginally annoying random guy on Words With Friends to "go eat a bag of dicks", right?Right?
Labels: I'm a jackass
Monday, October 24, 2011
Dear White-Suited Dude Soliciting Donations Outside of the Dollar Store,
Dude.You're soliciting donations outside the dollar store.
I'm assuming that the whole donation-solicitation thing is not an easy gig, especially in this economy, but you're trying to get cash from people who are buying nearly-expired foods and off-brand cosmetics (and, in my case, cheap picture frames and double-sided tape for embroidery).
I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, but... know your audience. Seriously.
Just trying to help you out,
The White Girl Who Ignored You When You Spoke Spanish To Her
Labels: I'm a jackass