Wednesday, November 28, 2012

This is I am why we can't have nice things

Scene: a couple walking side-by-side on a nearly deserted beach with a golden watercolor sunset on a crisp, cloudless Thanksgiving evening.

He put his arm around her shoulder and pulls her close.

Him (whispering into her windswept hair): I'm thankful every day for you and our family...

Her (punching him on the arm): Gross. Don't say stuff like that.

Labels: I take pictures, I'm a jackass

Sunday, August 05, 2012

I have nothing intresting to say, so here are some pictures

This sticker was on the toilet paper holder in a gas station bathroom in Santa Barbara. And, yes, I know that there is nothing about this that isn't gross.

This was hanging in one of the exam rooms at the vet's office. The only way this dog could be more disconcerting is if it was a clown.

I was in the backyard this evening when I spotted this dragonfly, it was easily the prettiest bug I've ever seen, its body was like red velvet and its wings were all shiny and gold. It was also all kinds of patient, it let me get super close to it with my camera and even though it flew away a couple times, it kept coming back to the same spot. Fun fact: some cultures believe dragonflies are good luck (of course, some cultures believe they are sent by Satan... but I suppose something could be good luck from Satan, right?)

Labels: I take pictures

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Yesterday, I started the day with a drive to Los Angeles at rush hour*.

Today, I started the day with a dental appointment and then some quality time at the DMV.

I can only assume tomorrow morning will be filled with papercuts and stubbed toes, because... really.


(on the plus side, long drives that start out before the sun is up usually include sunrises, which, it turns out, are very pretty)


*seriously considered making my stepmom live out here so I didn't have to make that drive

Labels: first world problems, I take pictures

Thursday, October 13, 2011

my day in photographs

Drive to San Luis Obispo for an appointment *cough* psychiatrist *cough*. Find myself at a stoplight staring at a this random Native American statue raising the roof in the middle of some industrial area.






See a flower-festooned No Parking sign, park my car in the parking lot and run over to take a picture.


Take the elevator up to the second floor and spot the following pillow on a couch in a lobby shared by 4 or 5 different businesses. (here's the thing - if decorative pillow theft is such a HUGE problem in this tiny little lobby that you have to write this on every single pillow, just GET RID OF THE FUCKING PILLOWS)


after the appointment, stop by the beach because it's on the way home and it's about 90 bajillion degrees this week





See a seal out in the water and get so excited that I actually squeal out loud "OMIGOD, seal!!!!"



come home, decide that the house isn't nearly hot enough and make a loaf of no-knead bread in my brand new Dutch oven. (I will forgive it for making the house even hotter because the bread is THE SHIT)

Labels: I take pictures, le crazy, suzy fucking homemaker

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Sometimes things don't work out exactly like you think they will

Because I'm a big fan of food (both cooking and eating it), I watch a lot of Food Network - the other day, I saw someone cooking a pizza on a grill and figured that I might want to try it - I mean, I'm pretty ace in the kitchen, but I've never attempted outdoor cooking - how hard could it be, though, right? And I had all those gorgeous tomatoes from the neighbor's garden and a pizza with slices of tomato and big slabs of mozzarella sounds like a pretty spectacular dinner, am I right or am I right?

So I whip up a batch of my super easy pizza dough and cart it and some olive oil outside to the barbecue. I haphazardly brush some oil on the grill, stretch out the dough a little and toss it on. A couple of minutes later, I decide that I should turn the dough over so the other side gets all toasty and a little charred, then I was going to toss on the tomatoes and cheese and let it cook - easy enough...

or so I thought


apparently I should have turned the grill down and let it cook for a bit longer before trying to flip it (since it's not a pancake)

Still, there were some decent-sized pieces, so I figured I'd at least get some appetizers out of it.


and they were really good, in a rustic kind of way.

So pizza on the grill with fresh tomatoes and mozzarella? hell to the yes

me operating the grill? maybe not

Labels: I take pictures, suzy fucking homemaker

Sunday, August 14, 2011

some pictures of stuff from last weekend

Qualcomm Stadium is ginormous but necessary for the opening ceremonies because it was something like the junior olympics and kind of a big deal.

This is the state flag of Mississippi. You stay classy, Mississippi

This was a group of girls who were maybe 10-ish-years-old, dressed like whores and performing to "Poker Face" (a performance that included copious ass-smacking and a bit of stage-humping - when they were done, I didn't know if we were supposed to clap or throw dollar bills) - they made me incredibly glad to not have a daughter.

 This was some band of siblings who were proficient on their instruments and adept at playing cover songs and got laughed at when they asked the crowd who was planning on going to see the 3-D Glee movie* (apparently one of the kids had some part on the show)

This was some Navy Seals sky-diving team, which was pretty much the best part of the whole thing.

*wrong crowd, dude - you have a stadium full of kids and families of kids who have competed  in sports to be the best to qualify to come to this thing, these people don't buy into the whole "you're a special snowflake because you're you!" crap that Glee sells. Also, why the hell does it have to be in 3-D?

Labels: I take pictures

Sunday, August 07, 2011

what a long fucking weekend.

Have I previously mentioned how much I do not love traveling? (this trip included 5-hour drives to San Diego and back)

Have I previously mentioned how much I do not love hotels? (I can't really explain it, something about the scratchy sheets and weird smells and dry air and un-opening windows) (this trip included a stay at the grodiest Holiday Inn on the planet - ants in the room, shower pressure of a light drizzle and smoky hallways)

Have I previously mentioned how much I do not love crowds? (apparently, the thing my kid was there for was kind of a big deal, basically the junior olympics, and they had the opening ceremonies at the stadium where the Chargers play and 30k other people and I were there to witness it)

Have I previously mentioned how much I do not love fireworks? (okay, that's new for me, I just figured it out at the opening ceremony thing, they're just so loud and loud and loud and they're especially bad when I'm surrounded by 30k other people)

But I did get to see one of my oldest and dearest pals who was also in San Diego for her (insanely adorable) child athlete and they were staying at a redonkulous (and presumably ant-free) hotel in downtown.

The trip to downtown might have been my favorite part of the trip, in addition to seeing my pal and her offspring, I got to stare up at the big buildings as though I were a total yokel, got to squeal with excitement over seeing real live hobos, got to see a business named "Chee Chee"*

and got to walk past a grown man standing contemplatively on a street corner dressed only in boxers**



* unfortunately, I had my telephoto lens on my camera so I couldn't zoom out enough to get a shot of the seedy front of this building and the seedy bouncer/drifter out front.

** you know that shit only happens in big cities - sometimes I hate that I live in such a small town because there's not nearly enough weird shit to photograph.

Labels: I take pictures

Monday, August 01, 2011

Dear Pet Snake,

That was my finger, not your lunch. You're lucky I'm such a badass that I managed to not drop you.

In the future, please stick to chomping on rodents.

Thanks a heap,

me

Labels: I take pictures, letter to

Thursday, July 21, 2011

So the 6-year-old little sister of one of The Kid's teammates has decided to adopt me because children can sense the my kind heart and the child-like joy I have I have candy, lip balm and a nice camera in my purse.

During the last game, while the little girl is bemoaning the lack of good games on my iPod, her 2-year-old little brother comes over and starts begging to have his picture taken - of course I oblige because the child is gorgeous -






then he starts going through my purse, picking through my wallet, trying on all the bracelets and sampling all the lip balms*.

As he starts to put a furry cough drop in his mouth, then reach for my Swiss Army Knife, I make the clicking noise I make when one of my pets is misbehaving and tell him "Leave it!" and I realize 2 things:

1) My purse is not especially toddler-safe
and
2) I no longer** have any idea how to interact with children.



*

** I know that this implies that I did, at one time, have some idea of how to interact with children, but honestly, I can't say for sure

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, I take pictures

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Just getting prepared for summer...

*


*j/k - he actually locked himself into the carrier, he was trying to prove that there was no way for the new dog** to get out of the crate that she is all too capable of getting herself

** yes, new dog, she's a six-year-old Boston Terrier (totally copying my sister) who was a stray, then adopted, then returned to the shelter because she was "too mellow" - she's great with the dog and the cats and sleeps about 23.5 hours of the day and if she were house-trained***, she would be the perfect
 dog



*** for effing real, how does a dog get to be 6 and not trained at all? Seriously, she doesn't even know "sit".

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, I take pictures

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Just a reminder of 2 rules of the universe

1) if you're going to Petsmart, PUT ON SOME GODDAMN SHOES. Seriously, of the places where I would walk around barefoot, a pet store is not even in the top 1000. (I was unable to keep the look of horror off of my face when I passed some shoe-less lady in the cat litter aisle today. I may or may not have hissed "grossssssss!")

2) If you find a vintage velvet painting at a thrift store, you must purchase it. Even if it is a painting of a train and cowboys and is insanely tacky and you really don't have anywhere to hang it. It's a GODDAMN VINTAGE VELVET PAINTING.

click it to see it bigger (but also imagine it full size - around 2 x 3.5 feet)

Labels: I take pictures, pointless whining

Friday, December 31, 2010

So, sometime this summer, The Kid went to a basketball camp put on by the coach of Cal Poly San Luis Obispo and, due to his mad skillz, he won the "camper of the week" award - in addition to a certificate and a t-shirt, he also won tickets to a college game that happened yesterday.

Even though Cal Poly got spanked by Long Beach, The Kid had a blast, he got to hang out with the team before the game, got to participate in the introductions of the team and got to do some shooting contest at halftime wherein he won a coupon for a free pizza*.

I had fun, too, but most of that was for completely visual reasons. No, not the ten, tall, strapping, young sweaty men racing up and down the court... okay, not totally them. Actually, my favorite part of sporting events happens on the sidelines -

it's being able to see eye candy like this in person. Would you look at the lens on that thing? Have you ever seen anything sexier? The things I could do with that... sigh.

Also sexy in an I've-been-meaning-to-start-a-diet-tomorrow sort of way? This dip. I made it about five minutes after I found the recipe. And, yes, cholesterol police, there's a whole stick of (delicious, browned) butter in it, but if you eat it with apple slices, it's practically healthy or something**.


*in addition to Monday's free dinner at the Elks Lodge, this makes 2 free meals The Kid has been responsible for this week alone. FINALLY this parenting thing is paying off!

** probably not, but whatev

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, I take pictures, suzy fucking homemaker

Saturday, December 25, 2010

X-mas stuff

Favorite Presents: telephoto lens for my camera (the hubs) and crime scene scarf (the sister)

Lease Favorite Present: my effing period (mother effing nature)

and the pics

 from my sister (duh)

 if only... (also from the sister)


extreme close-up, courtesy of my new telephoto lens. Look at those eyelashes - ridiculous, right?

love love love this scarf - I've been wearing it since I opened it this morning. One thing I'm not wearing (obviously) makeup - yikes. Also yikes? My hair - this is what it looks like when it's wet outside and I don't do anything to tame it.

and here's a better shot of the scarf with a crazy patient cat

Labels: I take pictures

Thursday, December 16, 2010

How to go from "Bah Humbug" to "awwww" in three easy steps

Step 1: pack up your dog and camera and drive to Pismo State Beach

Step 2: hike over the dunes and see a cute holiday tree, constructed of a couple branches and little ornaments

Step 3: say "awwwww"






seriously, how cute is that?

Also, a view like this in the middle of December doesn't suck


and here's my dog -



and here's a painting of a frightened teddy bear I bought at a thrift store today


Also, I made homemade tamales today - not homemade like "I bought them at the store and heated them up" - homemade like "I bought masa and corn husks and pork and cooked and folded and steamed". Yes, they were a bit time-intensive, but they are totally OMGYUM

Labels: I take pictures, suzy fucking homemaker

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

brb, digging a moat around the house

I used to think I was lucky to have a son instead of a daughter - I mean, sure, I can't play with dolls with him or braid his hair, but I also don't have to worry about him being obsessed with Justin Beiber or Twilight.

I think I was most glad not to have to worry about him being a teenage girl - a billion years ago, I was a teenage girl and I was a terror - the mood swings, the sneaking out at night, the self-destructive stuff... but I don't have to worry about that with The Kid, all teenage boys do is eat a ton of food and laugh at fart jokes - I can deal with that.

What I neglected to factor in to the equation, though, is that my child is devastatingly cute and an athlete and that stuff can be catnip to teenage girls.

Yesterday, while The Kid was at basketball practice, I was in the kitchen finishing up my newest culinary experiment, rocky road fudge, when the junior high school down the street let out and my street filled up with teenagers.

They're usually pretty loud, but I'm used to the noise by now - then I hear a piercing scream right outside and I look up to see a trio of girls walking by.

"[The Kid]!" one of them shrieks in a sing-songy voice.

"We love you, [The Kid]!" another one of them screams.

"[The Kid], come out and play!" the third one yells.

One of them looks into the kitchen window, sees me and hits the other two, then they run down the street squealing and giggling.

It was seriously everything I could do to yell something like "stay away from him, you teenage skanks!"

The Kid is still in 6th grade, he's still two years from being an actual teenager, I am NOT prepared for this crap.

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, I take pictures

Thursday, December 09, 2010

me (going into the garage to do laundry): aaaauuuuggggghhhh, a spider!

3 seconds later

me: is that a black widow?

cue me running back into the house to grab my camera

me: ooohhhhh, a black widow!



cue my face going from 8D to D8

me: oh fuck, it's a black widow

then I located some bug killer spray* and proceeded to empty the bottle on her.





*I am pathologically incapable of killing a bug larger than an ant. Also, she was creeping up the door that goes from the garage into the house and, with my spectacular grace, I probably would have either gotten the thing in my hair or in the house if I tried to kill her with a shoe or something.

And I really felt bad about killing her, I hate to impede on anyone's right to kill bugs, but I draw the line at poisonous stuff near my pets... oh, and The Kid, too**

**speaking of The Kid, I am SO the worst parent ever - I totally spaced on the honor roll ceremony today (it's his 4th trimester in a row on the honor roll)

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, I take pictures, pointless whining

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Note to self -

Your landlord is a former olympic athlete.

You are not.

He hikes mountains all over the world.

You do not.

When he suggests a hike to you and says it's "kind of steep", but promises that it's "an easy 15-minute hike", you might want to factor in his fitness level (extremely high) and yours (as of late - similar to that of a foot stool).

Because, as it turns out, his interpretation of "kind of steep" is roughly equal to your interpretation of "vertical".

And neither "easy" nor "15-minute" were anywhere near your vocabulary at any time during it.

And the end of the hike that was supposed to be an "amazing view", was pretty, but there are 90 kajillion places around that are just as pretty or prettier and don't make necessitate an oxygen tank.

Stop listening to your landlord, he's a kook!

Labels: I take pictures, note to self

Monday, November 22, 2010

Don't play with your food

Unless you work in the meat section of the grocery store and can do things like this that make me immeasurably happy.


seriously, could anything be cuter?

Labels: I take pictures

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

cell phone picture dump

Labels: I take pictures

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

worth a thousand words

the top 3, of course, being

what
the
fuck


I didn't stick around to ask what Frog Balls actually are for fear of being a jackass and suggesting the vendor see a doctor. (but I googled later and it's possible that they are dill pickled brussel sprouts, which... ew)

Labels: I take pictures