Friday, April 12, 2013
Note to self
Complete nail polish first.Then take an Ambien.
Not the other way around.
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am, note to self
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Note to self -
If you have been sick for so long that you can't remember a time when your lungs weren't filled with phlegm*, do yourself a favor and refrain from googling the symptoms of SARS or reading CDC articles about some new Coronavirus that has killed people. Because you've pretty much got all those symptoms. All of them.Also, instead of trying to slog through hippie websites looking for natural cough remedies that include shit like slippery elm bark (oh, sure, let me check my spice cabinet, it's right next to the eye of newt) or red onions and brown sugar, just break down and get some freaking robitussin.
Although, having a voice that sounds like a trash compactor is a great reason to avoid talking on the phone, and vigorous coughing is quite the ab workout. So... silver lining!
*okay, it's been a week, but in "sick time", that's like forever.
Labels: note to self
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Note to self -
Your landlord is a former olympic athlete.You are not.
He hikes mountains all over the world.
You do not.
When he suggests a hike to you and says it's "kind of steep", but promises that it's "an easy 15-minute hike", you might want to factor in his fitness level (extremely high) and yours (as of late - similar to that of a foot stool).
Because, as it turns out, his interpretation of "kind of steep" is roughly equal to your interpretation of "vertical".
And neither "easy" nor "15-minute" were anywhere near your vocabulary at any time during it.
And the end of the hike that was supposed to be an "amazing view", was pretty, but there are 90 kajillion places around that are just as pretty or prettier and don't make necessitate an oxygen tank.
Stop listening to your landlord, he's a kook!
Labels: I take pictures, note to self
Thursday, August 12, 2010
letters
Dear Everyone in the World (with the possible exception of 1 or 2 people),Stop being total fuckwits!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear me,
Stop acting like you're competing in the World Cup of Bridge Burning. Step away from the matches and gasoline.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear pms,
Stop making me want to google the most slow and painful ways to kill people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear dark chocolate and salty snacks,
GET IN MY BELLY!!!!
Labels: letter to, note to self
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Note to self -
Your brain is flakier than a delicious, buttery croissant, and that's fine - you're quirky, you're a space cadet, it's your thing - you forget simple words*, you lose track of sentences when you're in the middle of saying them, and you have forgotten to buy baking soda the last five times you were at the grocery store. No big, no one pays attention when you're speaking anyway and you've still got a half-full* can of baking powder.But you really need to remember to take your cray cray meds on a regular basis because:
1) they keep your brain from feeling like a shaken (not stirred) snow globe.
2) they effectively restrain all those gross emotions and allow you to be logical and level-headed in nearly all situations
3) they keep you from turning into one of those girls who spends an inordinate amount of time doing things that might end up getting her labeled as "cuckoo for cocoa puffs", stuff like... oh, I don't know, let's say, hypothetically... checking someone's blog 40 times a day, or something***.
4) those meds might also enable you to maintain your pole position on the high road and keep you from being completely immature and reinforcing crazypants behavior by
Maybe invest in one of those old people pill boxes. Then get some of those tan velcro shoes and maybe a kitty cat sweater.
Did I ever mention how bubblebath warm that Ambien makes me feel. It's warm and cozy and makes me want to wear furry slippers and just melt into bed. And the languid, liquid it gives me, i wonder if sleeping on a waterbed would make it better or worse.
Okay, I should probably go to bed since I'm taking on that chihuahua bobble head sort of thing. And all the people on tv are in doubles. and if I don't get to bed soon, I'm going to start seeing clowns out of the corner of my eye and then I'll have an ill-advised IM conversation, or send out a super ramble-y email or buy something completely unnecessary on eBay.
Okay, I should sign off before this trainwreck gets any wreck-ier...
xxoo
* just this week, I forgot "thermal" and "shingles" - not in the same sentence, but still.
** or is it half-empty? I don't know that I'd ever describe a package of something as "half-empty" - does that mean I'm an optimist? I do have an annoying habit of looking for the silver lining in every situation, no matter how craptacular.
*** please note I don't do that kind of stuff. No one is that interesting to me. No one.
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am, le crazy, note to self
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Dear me,
You are generally acknowledged as one of the clumsiest persons on the planet.It's not really your fault, you were born with a grace-deficiency, it happens.
You may want to keep this in mind, though, if you get it into your head that it's a good idea to take your dog and your camera out for a hike on a lovely Sunday Morning.
If you do decide to do this, please stop trying to walk and take pictures at the same time. That's when stuff like this happens:
If you know stuff like that is going to happen, you might want to start carrying a first aid kit, or at the very least, a couple bandages to soak up some of the blood.
Also, if the cute guy in the information center offers you a map of the trails, take it. That way, when you're several miles from the information center and you stumble and twist the crap out of your ankle and bloody up your knee, you can find a shorter route back instead of taking your own as-the-crow-flies shortcuts where you'll probably trip over a ground squirrel burrow and twist your other ankle. Genius.
One last thing? You're white - pasty white - stop forgetting your effing sunblock!
xxoo,
me
Labels: note to self
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Dear Ovaries -
Please stop squooshing and/or doing the electric slide every time we see a cute baby or toddler, it's getting annoying.And we won't even go in to how I thought you were going to explode today when faced with that absolutely precious red-haired baby and her adorably freckled big brothers.
Thanks a bunch!
xxoo,
me
Labels: letter to, note to self
Thursday, April 01, 2010
Dear... me,
It is absolutely precious how, even though you manage to fuck up rice every single time you cook it on the stovetop, you just keep trying. Hope does seem to spring eternal, doesn't it?Just so you know, you might stand a better chance of being able to successfully make that staple food that everyone everywhere on this planet are able to successfully make if you, you know, followed the directions, or set the timer or something. It's not astrophysics.
Or just stick with the rice cooker. Or pasta (Even you can't fuck up pasta). Or salad - no one can fuck up salad, right? Toss a handful of baby spinach on a plate, add some carrots or radishes or tomatoes or cilantro...
Think about it.
xxoo,
me
Labels: note to self, suzy fucking homemaker
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Dear... self,
I know that you're happy to be over the whole e.coli-stomach thing (thus able to travel more than four feet from your bathroom), but Taco Bell may not have been the best idea for lunch.and, P.S. Taco Bell? You basically live in Northern Mexico, if you want Mexican food, why would you go to Taco Freaking Bell?
Labels: note to self
Monday, May 28, 2007
Note to self:
Congrats on purchasing sunblock with enough SPF to protect your lily-white skin and lovely tattoos.Congrats, also, on remembering to bring said sunblock with you when you went to the beach to take pictures.
It should be noted, though, that sunblock is infinitely less effective when left in the tube. It may not say it specifically on the product, but it will be much more effective when applied to your bare skin.
And forgetting to put it on is just dumb and kind of makes you deserve the light sunburn you got on your shoulders. Dork.
Labels: note to self
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Note to self -
Contrary to what your resume says, you are not a "skilled multi-tasker".Please stop trying to do two things at once, like walk down the (carpeted and not slippery at all) stairs and breathe, because you'll just trip over your big feet, twist both of your ankles in a most painful way, bump your ass and somehow hurt your shoulder. And even if no one saw, you can rest assured that everyone heard because the walls here are thinner than rice paper.... mmmm, rice paper...
Labels: note to self
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Note to self:
It's winter time now, please remember that the next time you consider wearing just a camisole-with-a-built-in-bra under your sweater. Because, while the built-in-bra does provide the tiniest modicum of support, it really does nothing to lessen the appearance of your built-in-nipples, which, given the fact that it's about 40 degrees outside (and only about 45 degrees inside), could poke somebody's eye out right now (no matter how many times you've cupped your hands over them to warm them up*).Thanks,
C-8
* I'm sure it's just a matter of time before someone walks in on me doing that
Labels: note to self
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Note to self
When the Bitter Smoker Chick is out of the office with pleurisy*, try not to wear the baggy jeans that already slip and slide down necessitating the wearing of cute, non-granny underwear because when the bossman makes his completely-out-of-left-field demands ("come help me figure out this copier" or "come change the batteries in my digital camera" or "come put this cd in my computer") on an average of once every 4 minutes and you have to run up and down the stairs, most of your day will be spent alternating between exposing your chonies and tugging up your jeans. FUN!*which I thought was some 19th century disease but is actually some kind of lung infection
Labels: note to self
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Note to self:
When the bosslady says, an hour before your normal quitting time, "Why don't you just go on ahead and leave since it's not busy", don't argue, just go. Do not, I repeat, do not say "are you sure you don't want me to stay and work on that one task..." because, seriously - DUH.Thanks,
C-8
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sidenote - one of the main reasons living in the South rocks? The world pretty well shuts down at around 2 on Fridays and everyone goes home early. It's almost like Spain... but with lots of American trucks with gunracks and "W" stickers
Labels: note to self
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Note to self -
Pants that are in the dirty clothes pile are probably there for a reason - ie: they could have stains or spots that, while not visible in the dim morning light in my bedroom, are MORE THAN VISIBLE in the harsh fluorescent lights of the office.**remember when I used to post stuff about my boobs and my underwear? Now it's just about my sporadic laundry habits - what's up with that?
Labels: note to self
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Note to self
no matter how cute the waiter at that little French bistro is, it's highly inappropriate to spend the entire lunch with husband staring at him. Even if he did look like a younger, hotter version of Adrian Brody (who I think is pretty tasty on his own).It's.
Just.
Wrong.
Bad girl.
Labels: note to self
Friday, October 29, 2004
note to self -try to remember not to commit any heinous crimes today (misdemeanors and traffic violations would be fine, though) as i am leaving the most conspicuous trail of fuzzy white feathers and sparkly glitter in my wake and it wouldn't take gil grissom more than 30 seconds to track me down... hell, even the scruffy guy from the lab would be able to find me - dammit, killing spree will have to wait until tomorrow
Labels: note to self
note to self -no matter how uncomfortable it would have been to drive to work wearing angel wings made of real feathers, that would have been preferable to taking my shirt halfway off in the parking garage, putting the wings on, pulling my shirt back up (after adjusting my strapless bra) and then turning around to see a gaggle of construction workers in the middle of a coffee break.
Labels: note to self
Monday, October 18, 2004
note to self:next time i plan on crawling around the storage room full of dirty, dusty military surplus ebay stuff and having to stand on desks to photograph merchandise, it would probably be a good idea to wear something other than a skirt and knee boots.
Labels: note to self
Saturday, October 16, 2004
note to self:2 t.g.i.fridays hurricanes + one plate of onion rings does not = a decent dinner
additionally -
triscuits & squeeze cheese + "alex & emma" does not = a well spent evening
Labels: note to self