Friday, April 12, 2013
Note to self
Complete nail polish first.Then take an Ambien.
Not the other way around.
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am, note to self
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
The Cordial Blueberry
Moments after the clock struck midnight, I found myself in my kitchen staring at a box of cordial blueberries (they're like those candies that have a cherry and some slime inside of a chocolate shell - except these have blueberries.)The first food I ate of 2013 was a cordial blueberry. I thought that sounded like a formal way to bring in the new year, with cordial fruit - I just imagine these berries bowing to each other and being really great hosts when you go to their house,
fuuuuuuck, this post was way more interesting in my head... of course, Ambien makes lots of things seem more interesting in my head.
Cordial Blueberry sounds like a color of slutty velvet panties from some weird store at the mall.
I don't even know where this was going. I should probably get to bed,
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am
Sunday, June 10, 2012
because, for some reason, blogging always sounds like a good idea about 15 minutes after the Ambien kicks in
Within the span of the last hour, I ended an email with "I <3 you so hard right now that I can barely stand it" (the return email ended with "and oh, yeah, I love you, too, even when I don't agree with you"*)And I ended a phone conversation with "Shut up, jackass. I'll talk to you later, kbai"**
Also, I need to add "texting" to the list of stuff that I cannot do while Ambien-ing*** - sending a telegram would have been easier.
*this was the first disagreement I've had all week that had nothing to do with professional basketball
**that one was after the Ambien started kicking in
***although receiving a return text containing half the lyrics of George Michael's "Faith" kind of made it worth it
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am
Thursday, May 31, 2012
most. boring. ambien. adventure. EVER
Tonight since taking the wonder pill, I purchased 2 very cute sundresses off of eBay*, loaded some books and music onto my iPod** and halfway watched the news***.Lame! Where are the drunken texts, the inappropriate IMs, the omelet I'd really love to have right now... fuck I want that omelet - just a couple fluffy eggs, some pepper jack cheese and a bunch of avocado... of those ingredients, all I have are eggs. And that's not an omelet, it's scrambled eggs... although I could maybe go for some scrambled eggs with ketchup..... of course, I can't walk a straight line, so cooking might not be a good idea.
Geez, I might as well just go the fuck to sleep.
*I don't understand it, every mid-late May turns me so girly. I even wore lipstick today. If I buy anything resembling a strappy sandal or a floppy hat with a flower on it, someone needs to stage an intervention
** driving down South to look at one last house - keep your fingers crossed because I will be 422% less stressed once a lease is signed
*** that shit is DULL
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am
Saturday, February 11, 2012
my duvet cover is off-white with bunch of colored circles on it (cooler than that sounds, okay>)
Lately,when I stumble into the bedroom under the effects of Ambien (and whichever pain medication I had taken last) and I can tell from the doorway that the duvet is moving.Not just moving, but moving, undulating like there were a litter of piglets under the covers having a dance fight.
And every time I see this teenage mutant ninja piglet underground dance, I can't decide if it's freaky or kind of cool (seriously, the other night I spent twenty minutes insanely focused on watching the patterns move, I couldn't look away, no matter how completely tired I was) (it is pretty cool, it's like one of those trippy Disney cartoons from the 60s... and since when do I say "trippy"? geez)
I sort of wish I could download an app for my iPod that would allow me to record all the freaky stuff I see when I take Ambien.
Also, it would be cool if something could record my ambien dreams, too, because I've been a small business owner in every single one of those dreams lately and maybe I could find a real career...
Speaking of Ambien, it's settling in so I should probably get back to see the 11:26 showing of the hypnotizing duvet cover dance....
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am
Thursday, September 01, 2011
Ambien is weird, it's this teeny little pill, pop it in your mouth and you won't even feel it going down (unlike my horrible vitamin B supplement I take which expands into the size of a throw pillow once it reaches the back of my throat and then I have to swallow about 14 gallons of water just to get all of its hateful jagged pieces out of my throat.)Although, unlike vitamin B's continued assault on me (making my pee toxic yellow and smelling faintly of cereal), Ambien just kind of slides in like a cool comforter, just covering me up like a warm hug of a mug of tea... although I'd kind of prefer hot apple cider, if you'd be willing to make it for me right now.
k, the local news is all kinds of boring (like all small town newscasts) and I'm not confident that I could focus my eyes on the tv long enough to locate another tv show I might to watch... I'm not even convenient that there are any tv shows I feel like watching right now... especially since I'm probably going to collapse on the bed the second I get there (please note - it took at least 5 minutes to write out that sentence)
You know, ambien is kind of like manna from heaven, it kind of makes me feel jell-o-ified and mellow and like I couldn't possibly think any of my ridonk crazy-person thoughts. Which is awesome.
fuck, I'm tired.
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am
Monday, March 14, 2011
okay, either the check out section of the site from which I'm ambienly trying to purchase something is being straight up wonky, or my hands are currently made of nothing but cotton candy and maybe a gummi bear coating.Surprisingly, etsy shopping takes about 75 bajillion times longer under the influence of zolpidem. Fuck, writing that sentence (which I originally typed as "sandwich") took 75 bajillion times longer than anything ever should take,
I wonder if I could get a zolpidem patch and just feel like this all the time, like sooooooooper sloooooowed down and a little bit jumpy by the clowns and fat tourists I keep seeing out of the corner of my eyes... okay, that part would suck... perhaps I didn't think this one through all the way...
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
well who do we have here? It's my old friend Ambiem
you know what's nice? rye bread and soft pajamas and coffee yogurt and Dunkin Donuts Strawberry Shortcake coffee.you know what's not so nice? when people think it's cool to make a twitter for their pet or baby, how, according to my roots, my hair is growing like crazy, but it's not getting any longer, there must be some holdup somewhere in the middle. Also, I can't seem to write more than a paragraph or two on the new story I've been percolating for a while and it's driving me fucking nuts - like I've got the general idea and I've got some great scenes that could be stitched into something resembling a big old fictional quilt
so I'm kind of on ambien right now and this episode of Law & Order (which I never watch) appears to be in 3-D... holy crap, Angela from "Who's the Boss" is the judge here. I'd insert a "now we know who the boss is" joke right there, but even in my compromised state I can see that would be low brow (or lowbrow?)
I just ate half a sleeve of townhouse crackers (the wheat kind) and a bunch of Trader Joe's pub cheese.
And I'm seriously lusting over this item and need one IMMEDIATELY, but instead of being one of those whiny bloggers who beg for presents, I will gently suggest that you mosey on over to my etsy shop and pick up something for yourself (or someone you know who would like something.... I mean, everyone knows someone who likes something, right?) and then it will fund my quest to add one more useless but super cool object d'art. (and, no pressure, but if you DO happen to want to buy something and you read the blog, I'll totally hook you up with free shipping.) (okay, I know it's totally lame when people pimp out their stuff or their causes or the ads in their sidebars, but my etsy shop is art, or something...
and speaking of art, I just realized that my water glass had an artsy look to it, so I snapped a couple shots - this is my contribution to art tonight
oooooo, art. actual unretouched pictures of the inside of my water cup. Whatever, I'm going to bed,
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am
Monday, December 06, 2010
The good news is - my hair looks great today - I straightened it and it came out great, it's cute, it's bouncy, the roots aren't even too visible.The bad news is - I didn't take my cute hair anywhere today... I mean, I went a couple places, but that was when my hair was still a bit damp from the shower and nowhere near as cute as it is right now.
The other good news - when my hair is cute and straightened like this, it means I will wake up with cute sexy hair.
The other bad news - I've got nowhere but the dog park to go tomorrow, so that will be a bust as well.
The other other good news - I just took an ambien and the white kitten is purring on my lap... and as much as that sounds like a dirty code for something, it's not - basically, I sat down and she is laying across my hands like she is a pair of those fingerless mittens that orphans and guys in wheelchairs wear (is that a politically incorrect thing to say?)
The other other bad news - I just sat through "It's Complicated" - I know, I can kinda get a pass on that because Meryl Streep is in it and I'm a girl, so I'm genetically encoded to like her. And I do like her. More than her, though, I do quite like Alec Baldwin - he's totally my swarthy older man crush and I have daydreams of going out to fancy restaurants for late lunches where he would try to teach me how to drink wine and encourage me to wear a pearl necklace (not the dirty kind) and buy me one of those uselessly expensive grown-up purses made from the underbelly of a dead baby something.
in other other news - the holidays are coming up, holidays like Christmas and whatever hippies and people other countries celebrate, so if you're still shopping, you should check out my etsy shop because I have tons and tons and tons (okay, maybe 6 or 7 things) of stuff listed and everything on there would make a great gift for someone you know - so anyway, here's the shameless plug
and another shameless plug, but not nearly as bad because I'm just asking you to be an observer, not a patron.
remember that? it's my photo-a-day blog - I know, you would have thought I'd given it up by now, but I seem to be keeping it up - shockingly enough.
oh, and since I'm being such a link whore tonight, don't forget about our long-forgotten haiku blog - it has its moments.
Now the kitten is lying on her back with her paws down at her sides like a little furry person - it's super cute and if I thought I could reach the camera from here with my arms made of spaghetti and my legs made of eggplant, I would totally take a picture and post it. But right now, I'm just about as likely to be able to... fuck, I don't know. The ambien is taking away the ends of my sentences.
And now I'm watching that cute little roller derby movie, Whip It and I should probably be getting my retired-from-derby ass to bed, lest I let that derby nostalgia get me looking into joining a new league.... Although, damn, that girl from Juno is so freaking adorable, I want to adopt her and put her on my mantle so I can look at her all the time.
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Stupid Ambien... I'm just kidding, baby, I love you
I spent seriously 20 minutes digging through the medicine area in search of some kind of nighttime medication to mask my symptoms until morning - of course nothing like that exists in this house - so Ambien is, of course, the next viable option since the second my head hits that pillow, none of my symptoms will exist at least until the morning.Oh, and, Mucinex, thanks for doing nothing but make me have to drink lots and then pee much.
Also, fucking apropos of nothing, I was googling home remedies for head congestion and, the first site i came to advised me that MOST head congestion is caused by people coming out of the shower and not drying their hair immediately... so, in the... i don't know, years since I last used a hairdryer and regularly let my mop of hair drip dry, that's all been building up to this bacterial/viral/ebola shit that is currently making me feel like squished crud?
i have no idea where i was going with that, so I should probably just, you know, let
Seriously going to sleep now because I'm fighting a pretty strong urge to listen to Alanis and that never leads to anything goood.
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am
Thursday, September 02, 2010
tonight, Ambien is making me thirsty.
well, maybe not directly making me thirsty, but it's certainly keeping me from being not-thirsty anymore. i keep thinking that I need to get up from the couch and fill up my water cup (I drink a lot of water), but then Ambien distracts me with shadow bugs out of the corner of my eye, or creepy clown hallucinations out of the corner of my other eye.And I'm really thirsty, like, you know how super thirsty you get when there's no water nearby, kind of like how you don't realize you have to pee until the bathroom is shut down for maintenance, then you're suddenly possessed to do the peepee dance.
For some reason, my computer looks like a Renaissance computer and I know they didn't have computers back then, but when I'm on this wonder-drug, it makes my precious iBook look all scroll-y or something, it just gives it a Renaissance aura to it. Which makes perfect sense to me, but really doesn't.
I want to do Ambien experiments - like, take 2 in one night, or chase it with a redbull, or do some tequila shots with it, or go on a trampoline, or skulk through a Walmart (and still not be the most fucked up person in the store)
I think my bookcase looks mad at me - not the straight books, all lined up like they should be, but there are some books sprawled horizontally on top of those books and they kind of look like angry eyebrows. I'd take a picture and upload it, but - to be honest, I don't know that I posses the coordination possible for that. And, anyway, if anything would have the right to be angry, it would be the CDs, half of them are still boxed up from the last move and nobody listens to them anymore...
I think if I weren't feeling yawn-y and droopsy tired, I could probably ramble on about the emotional states of all the inanimate things in the house, but... really. And, besides, spelling is becoming increasingly difficult for me.
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Note to self -
Your brain is flakier than a delicious, buttery croissant, and that's fine - you're quirky, you're a space cadet, it's your thing - you forget simple words*, you lose track of sentences when you're in the middle of saying them, and you have forgotten to buy baking soda the last five times you were at the grocery store. No big, no one pays attention when you're speaking anyway and you've still got a half-full* can of baking powder.But you really need to remember to take your cray cray meds on a regular basis because:
1) they keep your brain from feeling like a shaken (not stirred) snow globe.
2) they effectively restrain all those gross emotions and allow you to be logical and level-headed in nearly all situations
3) they keep you from turning into one of those girls who spends an inordinate amount of time doing things that might end up getting her labeled as "cuckoo for cocoa puffs", stuff like... oh, I don't know, let's say, hypothetically... checking someone's blog 40 times a day, or something***.
4) those meds might also enable you to maintain your pole position on the high road and keep you from being completely immature and reinforcing crazypants behavior by
Maybe invest in one of those old people pill boxes. Then get some of those tan velcro shoes and maybe a kitty cat sweater.
Did I ever mention how bubblebath warm that Ambien makes me feel. It's warm and cozy and makes me want to wear furry slippers and just melt into bed. And the languid, liquid it gives me, i wonder if sleeping on a waterbed would make it better or worse.
Okay, I should probably go to bed since I'm taking on that chihuahua bobble head sort of thing. And all the people on tv are in doubles. and if I don't get to bed soon, I'm going to start seeing clowns out of the corner of my eye and then I'll have an ill-advised IM conversation, or send out a super ramble-y email or buy something completely unnecessary on eBay.
Okay, I should sign off before this trainwreck gets any wreck-ier...
xxoo
* just this week, I forgot "thermal" and "shingles" - not in the same sentence, but still.
** or is it half-empty? I don't know that I'd ever describe a package of something as "half-empty" - does that mean I'm an optimist? I do have an annoying habit of looking for the silver lining in every situation, no matter how craptacular.
*** please note I don't do that kind of stuff. No one is that interesting to me. No one.
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am, le crazy, note to self
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Sugar and spice and everything nice... up to a point
No one ever told me -when I was a little girl experimenting with red lipstick and blue eyeshadow,
or when I was a teenager experimenting with purple hair dye and a crimping iron,
or when I was club-going-age experimenting with body glitter and fishnet stockings
that after a certain age (oh, let's say... thirty-five?) being a girl is less about the fun stuff and more about maintenance.
It's no longer about which flavor of lip gloss can withstand a night of drinking Zimas and dancing to the Spin Doctors* & ** or finding the perfect shade of light blue nailpolish. It's about which eye cream promises the most amazing results, or finding the best shade of concealer.
Dyeing my hair is no longer about finding the brightest shade of burgundy, it's about covering up enough gray hairs to score me a cameo in a Golden Girl's remake.
It's no longer about being sparkly and cute, it's about hopefully looking like I've slept for at least an hour or two in the preceding month.
No one tells little girls "enjoy every day you've got before you are introduced to the instruments of torture known as tweezers and eyelash curlers" or "Run around without a bra for as long as you can before you have to worry about your boobs hitting your knees" or "enjoy these halcyon days of youth before most of your free time is spent grooming yourself".
Admittedly, I'm still kind of fighting the whole grown-up thing - if I spend more than four minutes primping myself I feel prissy, I'm still pretty comfortable leaving the house without makeup and botox still sounds like a terrible idea - but I'm guessing that someday, not far down the road, all of that stuff is work itself into my life. And the thought of that kind of sucks. I feel like there are three camps on aging -
1) the natural way - I grow my frizzy gray hair down to my butt, dress all in natural fibers, move to Albuquerque, change The Kid's name to Wingspan and raise chile peppers and ceramic coyotes....
Or
2) the soccer mom give-up - I get highwaisted, pleated-front mom jeans and a christmas sweater, rock the mom short haircut and bump the stereo in my pearly white mini-van.
or
3) the completely unnatural mom - she of the velour sweatsuits with words across the butt, fake boobs and faker nails, driving a huge SUV and dreaming about those boys from Twilight.
I don't fit in to ANY of those groups. Not even close. Not fitting made me kind of cool in high school, but now... I don't know, I kind of feel like I should apply for a job at Hot Topic and start writing emo poetry.
And don't even get me started about how guys get off completely scot free with the whole aging thing - gray hair on guys? Can be pretty hot. Those smile lines around a guy's eyes? Can be completely sexy. Compound that with how they don't have to shave their legs, wear pinchy high heels or suffer the indignation of control-top anything - and it's just a big old party platter full of so-not-fair.
* shut up
** Kokomo's in Irvine, anyone?
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am
Saturday, July 17, 2010
sometimes it's weird that people I know irl read this
some days I think I put too much of myself out there.some days I don't think I put enough.
I guess 99% of the time I lean towards the latter. I tend to be fairly free with a lot of the inconsequentials, the stupid details, the minutiae - I'll tell you everything about my underwear drawer, what I ate for breakfast, what a complete dork I am when I take ambien and freaky dreams I have (the other night - zombies, bears and a Costco - it was cuh-razy) - but I don't really talk much about the things that are important to me.
Even with (most) people I know irl, I keep a lot of things to myself. Maybe because I'm unusually guarded, maybe because I have a hard time opening up to people, or maybe because I have a hard time vocalizing something that means so much to me.
One of my favorite quotes, which happens to be from Stephen King, oddly enough, is this:
"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out."
and I think that kind of sums up a huge part of why I keep most of the big stuff inside.
Another reason I'm not so forthcoming is that so many of my VIT* are artistic things - my writing, my painting, my photography - and they mean so much to me, they are such extensions of me, such personal pieces of myself, but I worry that other people won't understand how much they mean. Or, god forbid, someone might think they suck. Worse than that - what if that person is right and I DO suck?
But I wonder if my reluctance to share that kind of thing keeps me that specific distance away from other people - the distance between people that usually fills up with stuff that gets spun into a sugary cotton candy pile of friendship.
So here's the thing - one of my big things - my photography. It's a big thing to me - really big - even before my fancy new equipment, I'm constantly looking at the world through a viewfinder, trying to find the shot that says something to me. I was told once, by a close friend, that my photography isn't very personal. But it really is, the photographs I take, the ones I choose to share, they mean something to me, photography is my way of showing how I see the world. And I don't know a whole lot more personal than that,
So anyway, as though the hand-crafty community isn't already jampacked full of people doing exactly this, I set up my own etsy shop in which to sell my photographs and maybe art (eventually) (eventually I'll maybe manage to get more than a handful of prints up there, too...).
And let me just say, I hate when every blog (and facebook account) wants to to donate to something or sign something, or just donate - but this isn't a plea for a donation and I'm not planning on adding a paypal button on the sidebar or anything - but art is subjective and if you think a piece of my subjective art might make the walls in your house look better, well, more power to ya.
but still, this was totally:
and for that, I kind of apologize, but not in a sincere way, in kind of a forced way where you don't really mean it.
So... I think that's out there now - photography is very important to me. Also, ambien blogging just takes way to fucking long - I swear, I've been working on this for... approximately 7 months... and reading stuff I wrote just minutes ago... it's kind of a Flowers for Algernon moment... And with that literary genre name-checked, I should probably get to bed because I'm starting to see shadows of clowns.
Also - my toenails match my new pajama set, which coincidentally matches the icky mystery bruise I got on my hand tonight... Because, apparently, I needed some kind of six-degrees of separation from my toes to my bruise.
okay, seriously, stopping now... geez.
*Very Important Things
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am, what about your friends