Saturday, July 17, 2010

sometimes it's weird that people I know irl read this

some days I think I put too much of myself out there.

some days I don't think I put enough.

I guess 99% of the time I lean towards the latter. I tend to be fairly free with a lot of the inconsequentials, the stupid details, the minutiae - I'll tell you everything about my underwear drawer, what I ate for breakfast, what a complete dork I am when I take ambien and freaky dreams I have (the other night - zombies, bears and a Costco - it was cuh-razy) - but I don't really talk much about the things that are important to me.

Even with (most) people I know irl, I keep a lot of things to myself. Maybe because I'm unusually guarded, maybe because I have a hard time opening up to people, or maybe because I have a hard time vocalizing something that means so much to me.

One of my favorite quotes, which happens to be from Stephen King, oddly enough, is this:

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out."

and I think that kind of sums up a huge part of why I keep most of the big stuff inside.

Another reason I'm not so forthcoming is that so many of my VIT* are artistic things - my writing, my painting, my photography - and they mean so much to me, they are such extensions of me, such personal pieces of myself, but I worry that other people won't understand how much they mean. Or, god forbid, someone might think they suck. Worse than that - what if that person is right and I DO suck?

But I wonder if my reluctance to share that kind of thing keeps me that specific distance away from other people - the distance between people that usually fills up with stuff that gets spun into a sugary cotton candy pile of friendship.

So here's the thing - one of my big things - my photography. It's a big thing to me - really big - even before my fancy new equipment, I'm constantly looking at the world through a viewfinder, trying to find the shot that says something to me. I was told once, by a close friend,  that my photography isn't very personal. But it really is, the photographs I take, the ones I choose to share, they mean something to me, photography is my way of showing how I see the world. And I don't know a whole lot more personal than that,

So anyway, as though the hand-crafty community isn't already jampacked full of people doing exactly this, I set up my own etsy shop in which to sell my photographs and maybe art (eventually) (eventually I'll maybe manage to get more than a handful of prints up there, too...).

And let me just say, I hate when every blog (and facebook account) wants to to donate to something or sign something, or just donate - but this isn't a plea for a donation and I'm not planning on adding a paypal button on the sidebar or anything - but art is subjective and if you think a piece of my subjective art might make the walls in your house look better, well, more power to ya.

but still, this was totally:

and for that, I kind of apologize, but not in a sincere way, in kind of a forced way where you don't really mean it.

So... I think that's out there now - photography is very important to me. Also, ambien blogging just takes way to fucking long - I swear, I've been working on this for... approximately 7 months... and reading stuff I wrote just minutes ago... it's kind of a Flowers for Algernon moment... And with that literary genre name-checked, I should probably get to bed because I'm starting to see shadows of clowns.

Also - my toenails match my new pajama set, which coincidentally matches the icky mystery bruise I got on my hand tonight... Because, apparently, I needed some kind of six-degrees of separation from my toes to my bruise.

okay, seriously, stopping now... geez.



*Very Important Things

Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am, what about your friends