Wednesday, February 19, 2014
"So, have you been making any impulsive decisions lately?" my shrink asks, pointedly staring at my faded pink hair."Not that I can think of."
He pauses for a second. "None?"
"Nope."
He scribbles something in my folder. "Okay..."
Labels: le crazy
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Dear Young Guy Who Works at the Walgreen's Pharmacy,
Every single time I go to pick up my meds, you're working and that's great because you're much nicer and more competent than the other pharmacy tech people who work there.Since you see the myriad of prescriptions I pick up on a monthly basis, you know I'm all kinds of crazy, which is fine, I'm glad we don't have any secrets. I would like you to know, though, that even though I blank on the most basic information in front of you (last month it was my PIN, today, my home address), I'm not a complete simpleton, you're just very very cute. Distractingly cute. Just thought you should know now since I probably won't be able to remember the spelling of my last name next month.
xxoo,
me
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
at the risk of sounding like a swooning schoolgirl...
THE KANYE WEST CONCERT WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER. IT WAS HUGE AND OVER-THE-TOP, WITH PYROTECHNICS, FACELESS DANCERS, A MOUNTAIN ON STAGE, A CAMEO BY "WHITE JESUS", AND A WEIRD HAIRBALL ON LEGS THAT CREPT AROUND FOR A COUPLE OF SONGS. BUT UNDERNEATH ALL THE THEATRICS AND WEIRDNESS, IT WAS REALLY JUST A RIDICULOUSLY TALENTED GUY PERFORMING FOR AN ARENA FULL OF PEOPLE WHO KNEW EVERY NOTE OF EVERY SONG,AND, BECAUSE IT WAS HIS LAST LA CONCERT, HE ADDED A FEW EXTRA SONGS AND MAYBE THERE WERE A COUPLE TIMES DURING THE SHOW WHEN I WAS WORRIED I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO FORWARD MY MAIL, BUT I REALLY DIDN'T WANT THE SHOW TO END.
(also, less deserving of all-caps is a "pre-diagnosis" from my shrink of me maybe being "a little bit bipolar" - whatever, all it means right now is a new pill. I'm starting to feel like a guinea pig for whatever traditional and/or alternate therapies anyone can come up with and if this keeps up, I'm going to have to upgrade my little pill organizer to something roughly the size of a steamer trunk, so... yay)
Thursday, October 24, 2013
You might be depressed if...
Upon completion of your shower, you realize that you've forgotten to bring a clean towel into the bathroom and you spend a good five minutes standing on the bathmat trying to decide whether or not you should walk down the hallway and get a towel or just stand there and drip dry.Labels: le crazy
Friday, June 28, 2013
I have never been happier to receive an Amazon package than I was to get this one
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Nope, none of that, it was vitamins.
Vitamins?
Yes, vitamins.
For the last 3 months (or so) I've complained to my shrink that I'm still depressed and meds and exercise and a sunshine-simulating lamp aren't doing a much since I still spend most of my time sleeping, wishing I were sleeping or calculating how long it will be until I can be asleep. The doc finally ordered some blood work and it came back this week all perfect except for a double genetic mutation.
Not even gonna lie, I was a little bit excited about being told that I'm a genetic mutant. Like, when do I get my class schedule for Xavier Institute for Higher Learning? And where do I find one of those spandex unitards?
Unfortunately, it turns out that I don't get to be a shapeshifter or control the weather, the only superpower I get is that my body is unable to properly process or utilize folic acid and vitamin B-12. So I need fancy, science-y vitamins that are a little bit spendy, but you know what? I'm worth it.
Not to sound like a commercial or anything, but if you're a crazy person like I am and your meds aren't working as well as they should, you should get your MTHFR checked out. And you should refer to it as the MOTHERFUCKER gene because it kind of is. (Seriously, though, the science behind this is new-ish, but it's been linked to all kinds of shitty stuff like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, autism, fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome, migraines, strokes, and a bunch of other gross stuff. Google it, research it, talk to your doctor about it)
Labels: first world problems, le crazy
Saturday, June 15, 2013
A perfect illustration of my specific blend of depression
I get invited to some kind of function that actually sounds like something I would like. I realize that I would much prefer to stay home and be angry at the zit on my chin.my shrink ordered blood work since I've complained to him for the last 3 or 4 months that I'm still grossly depressed and nothing is helping. One of the things he requested that the lab test for was some kind of dna mutation, so I just want to let everyone know that I might be an X-Man or some kind of superhero. Fingers crossed that I get to upgrade to a superpower better than "Always Saying The Exact Wrong Thing In Any Given Situation". I mean, I'm not saying that I need to be able to fly or turn invisible, but I'd just like something useful.
Labels: le crazy
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
I've kind of been feeling like I'm having a shitty week* and then, when I was on my way home from dropping off my kid at school, I saw a guy coming out of a liquor store at 8:30AM, clutching a 6 pack of Budweiser like it was his only friend in the worldSo, yeah, I'm officially no longer complaining.
*blah blah blah depression, blah blah blah stress about moving
Labels: first world problems, le crazy, pointless whining
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
So, this morning, I'm sitting in the waiting room of my shrink's office and I'm irritated because I just found a splinter on my knuckle and I don't have anything I can use to dig it out and because, for the third month in a row* they're running at least half an hour late**.This lady comes in, all squirrelly and disruptive***, she checks in for her appointment and plops down in a chair near me. She pulls out her phone and every time she touches anything on it, it makes some obnoxious cartoon noise. And she's touching it a lot. I don't know if she's playing a game or adding sound effects to a Buster Keaton movie.
Then she starts chewing gum... actually, "chewing" is the wrong word, she's murdering it. With her mouth wide open, she's making noises like a pack of hyenas on a carcass. It's gross. Seriously, how hard is it to chew gum with your mouth closed?
The longer and louder she's chomping, the more irritated I am at her. I can't understand how someone can have so little self-awareness, everyone else in the room is reading magazines or quietly messing around on his or her phone. I'm torn between wanting to yell "CLOSE YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" and wanting to punch her in the throat.
Fortunately (for her), as I'm trying to decide whether this is the most appropriate place for either of those actions or the least, my shrink called me into the office. (and then one of my fave people treated me to Cuban food for a birthday lunch, so that made the day much better)
* it's a monthly maintenance appointment
** every time I've inquired about it (both politely and non-politely), they say that they're busier in the winter. If you've identified the problem, how about you... oh, I don't know... solve it? Running late once? Okay, shit happens, you're dealing with crazy people, no big, but if you've been running consistently 30-45 minutes late for months? Maybe change the way you schedule shit.
*** you know how there's always that person in the waiting room who wants attention - in a shrink's office, there is usually one every few minutes
Labels: le crazy
Monday, October 01, 2012
my therapist guy: how is your sleep pattern? How are you doing without Ambien?me: here's what I like about Ambien, it saves time.
my therapist guy (abruptly looking up from his notebook): that's one I haven't heard before. How so?
me: if I don't take it, I lie in bed for anywhere from half an hour to an hour doing nothing. Not even staring at the ceiling because I don't have my contacts in, so I can't see anything anyway. When I take Ambien, I get to sleep right away.
my therapist guy: but what would you be doing in that hour if you weren't in bed?
me: anything would feel like a better use of my time. I really hate just lying there; Ambien is a time-saver.
my therapist guy: I would request you stop thinking of it like that.
me: And I would politely decline that request.
Okay, seriously, I've given this therapy the old college try - I showed up for all my appointments on time, I did a majority of the homework I was assigned, I was as candid as necessary, and I will admit that I've even put into use some of the "anxiety-coping techniques" he's suggested, but I just don't know if it's really the thing for me. It could be that 75% of our sessions are him skipping down different tangents that either end up with some completely unrelated story (today, it was a tale about a Bob Dylan concert he attended, a couple weeks ago, it was something about frotteurism and the week before that, something about cleaning techniques for whiteboards.) Or it could be that many of his thoughts and opinions about medication and stuff are directly contrary to the thoughts and opinions of the dude with the prescription pad. I don't know, it's weird. Maybe I just need a little break from co-pays and poorly-decorated waiting rooms and all that medical stuff.
Labels: le crazy
Monday, August 13, 2012
Thank, I'll be here all week, please tip your waitress
So I go in to the same jungle-themed, filthy-rug-having office as last Friday to meet my new therapist dude.Today's waiting room crowd was older, which was nice, there was a guy with a tattoo of a Salvador Dali painting on his calf and a lady in her 40s wearing a babydoll dress I'm pretty sure I wore to a Hole concert in 1993.
The therapist dude calls me back, I settle down in an uncomfortable chair (is it wrong that I'm still hoping for a shrink with a leather chaise lounge? Its like cartoons lied to me all these years) and he asks me what I'm there for, I tell him I have a problem with depression and anxiety and he asks me what I want to tell him about that.
...
"I don't know, what do you want to know about it?"
"Anything you'd like to tell me about it," he says calmly.
"Okay, sorry, I'm new at this talk therapy thing, but you're going to have to ask me slightly more specific questions or this is going to be like pulling teeth."
Here's what I found out in therapy today - I'm good at "deflecting". The doctor noticed this the first time he spent a loooooong minute talking about his education and credentials. He complimented me on it the third third time he spent five minutes talking about himself and not my dysfunction(s). He called it a "good defense mechanism". I called it "my super power". He suggested I try stand-up comedy...
Labels: le crazy
Friday, August 10, 2012
The first thing I notice about my new psychiatrist's office is that the waiting room is decorated in an African theme - with African animals painted on all the walls and giraffe, zebra and dalmation (???) print chairs.The second thing I noticed was that the carpet was FILTHY. Just stained and gross and old.
The third thing I noticed is that I was, apparently, the oldest patient by about 20 years. Awesome.
The doctor calls me back and he's kind of a mess, he's got shaggy-ish hair that he plays with too much and he fidgets with the front pocket of his well-worn khakis. For some reason, I found this oddly comforting.
He asks me all the requisite questions, blah blah blah, my past, blah blah blah, my meds, blah blah blah, my current complaints. Then he gives me a quiz of what seems like the same three or four questions, over and over and when we're done, he asks if I know why he gave me the quiz.
"Kind of sounds like ADHD."
"Yes! And you've got all the classic symptoms of Adult ADHD!" He seemed so excited about it.
Um... nailed it?
So he tells me he wants to try me on some different meds.
"Sure, whatever you think is the best."
And he tells me that he wants to do some testing to make sure they get the dosage right for me, but my insurance won't cover the testing, so I'll have to pay out of pocket.
"Okay, if you think it's necessary."
And he tells me he'd like me to try out cognitive behavior therapy with another doctor in the office.
"Um... okay, I guess."
And he tells me that I need to give up coffee.
"Hey. Whoa. Let's not go crazy here, I mean, do we really need to take drastic measures like this?"
At the end of the appointment, when we're wrapping it up, he finishes scribbling down his notes and looks up at me to tell me that he's so excited to have me as a patient because "you have a specific set of problems that I'm able to help with!"
Um... you're welcome?
Labels: le crazy
Thursday, July 12, 2012
There needs to be a word stronger than "sad"
Because I've been mired in depression for... oh, I don't know, it's been really bad for the last week or two and the only thing worse than feeling neck deep in sadness is expecting people to understand that I'm hyper-sensitive, sleeping all the time, crying all the time and more or less unable to participate in my own life because I'm "sad".But that's honestly the only way I can describe it. I'm just needlessly and unreasonably sad.
And I'm taking my meds, I'm getting enough sleep, I'm cleaning the house, I'm exercising (when I'm capable of leaving the house), I've tried alienating everyone I like, I've tried listening to sad songs, I've tried listening to happy songs, I've tried eating chocolate, I've tried shopping (even at Ikea!!!! That's, like, my favorite place ever), I've even looked at depictions of dinosaurs humping and nothing helps at all.
I've dealt with depression my whole life, so it's not like it's something new to me, it's just that I want to reach out or explain it to people. It would be so much easier if it was a physical thing, like a gaping head wound or a bone sticking out of my arm.
Labels: first world problems, le crazy, pointless whining
Monday, June 18, 2012
Some days when you're kind of experiencing a mild breakdown and splashing your crazy all over people who don't deserve it, you need to get a text that says "just chill. Handle your business." (even if you probably deserved a text that said "Calm the fuck down and take some more meds, psycho")Labels: le crazy
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Sometimes depression is like a Paula Abdul song
no, not quintessentially 80s featuring a skeevy rapping animated cat (not usually, anyway), but 2 steps forward, then 2 steps back
Labels: le crazy
Thursday, October 13, 2011
my day in photographs
Drive to San Luis Obispo for an appointment *cough* psychiatrist *cough*. Find myself at a stoplight staring at a this random Native American statue raising the roof in the middle of some industrial area.
See a flower-festooned No Parking sign, park my car in the parking lot and run over to take a picture.
Take the elevator up to the second floor and spot the following pillow on a couch in a lobby shared by 4 or 5 different businesses. (here's the thing - if decorative pillow theft is such a HUGE problem in this tiny little lobby that you have to write this on every single pillow, just GET RID OF THE FUCKING PILLOWS)
after the appointment, stop by the beach because it's on the way home and it's about 90 bajillion degrees this week
See a seal out in the water and get so excited that I actually squeal out loud "OMIGOD, seal!!!!"
come home, decide that the house isn't nearly hot enough and make a loaf of no-knead bread in my brand new Dutch oven. (I will forgive it for making the house even hotter because the bread is THE SHIT)
Labels: I take pictures, le crazy, suzy fucking homemaker
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
internal dialogue
8:00 AMthe grown-up side of my brain: It's going to be a super hot* day, you should probably get an early start on those errands you need to run
the other 90% of my brain: But... couch. And... internet
9:45 AM
the grown-up side of my brain: Seriously, you should take a shower and get some shit done
the other 90% of my brain: I know, but... couch. And... internet
10:30 AM
the grown-up side of my brain: Okay, you can forgo the shower if you wear makeup and put your hair up in a clip, but you should really go run your errands now before it gets hot
the other 90% of my brain: okay, but... couch. And... internet
12:00 PM
the grown-up side of my brain: Could you at least do a load of laundry or maybe wash last night's dinner dishes?
the other 90% of my brain: But... couch. And... internet
1:00 PM
the grown-up side of my brain: Would it kill you to toss last night's dishes in the dishwasher and start it?
the other 90% of my brain: I don't think so, but do I really want to chance it? And have I mentioned the couch and the internet?
1:25 PM
the grown-up side of my brain: You do realize that you haven't even defrosted anything for dinner, right? If you go to the grocery store now, in addition to the stuff you need, you could also get stuff for a salad and a salad means you don't have to cook anything and can keep the house cooler
the other 90% of my brain: fiiiiiiiine. I'm just going to take a quick nap first
* "super hot" being a relative term, it's supposed to be in the low 80s, but for here, and for someone who loves cold weather, that's hot.
Labels: first world problems, le crazy
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Vegans can fuck right off
So, due to my ongoing issues with depression, I've pretty much got zero interest inI got the right kind of tofu and a pie crust and put it all together this afternoon (when I was home alone, I didn't want anyone poisoned by the idea of tofu in a dessert before trying it).
On the plus side - it didn't taste like tofu.
On the negative side - it was gross. Very gross. It was like eating chocolate-flavored styrofoam. Except less appetizing.
On the semi-plus side - I laughed until I was crying when I finally fessed up as to why the pie had an odd texture.
Vegans, stop trying to pretend that your gross, cruelty-free foods taste as good as or better than real food, okay?
Once again it's just proven that vegans are just... I can't with them. Especially vegans who claim to be herbivores because they love and/or respect animals too much - you know what, if you're not smart enough to be able to like animals and understand the concept of the food chain, you and I have nothing to talk about. If animals weren't put here on the earth for us to eat, they wouldn't be comprised entirely of meat, they would be made of stone or quinoa or something else non-edible like that.
Labels: le crazy, suzy fucking homemaker
Thursday, July 28, 2011
scene: conversation in which I try to explain the withdrawal symptoms that occur during the transition from one anti-depressant to another.me: you know how it feels when you touch your tongue to a battery? That's kind of what my brain feels like all freaking day long.
The Kid (with a horrified look on his face): your... tongue... to... a... battery...? WHO DOES THAT?
me: We didn't have cable or the internet when we were growing up
Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, le crazy
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Dude With a Pen and a Prescription Pad: When you start to have issues with depression, do you notice any irritability?
Me: This morning, I honked at a senior citizen because he was taking too long to drive over a speed bump
Dude With a Pen and a Prescription Pad: I'll take that as a yes
Labels: le crazy
Friday, July 08, 2011
when people find out that I have the depression, they seem to fall into one of the following categories -1) People who have and/or understand depression - these people are the least judgmental, usually we just compare meds and move on to the next topic.
2) People who really have no clue what depression is and relate how when they get "sad", YouTube videos of kittens always cheer them up - if I'm in the mood to be educational, I'll explain how it's actually a chemical imbalance, blah blah blah. If I'm not in the mood, I'll just smile and nod.
3) People who panic a little and act like I'm a little glass swans, like I need to be handled with kid gloves lest I fall off of my shelf and shatter into 12,000 pieces - my Mormon friend does this, after I opened up to her about my recent pharmaceutical struggles, she goes out of her way to be extra sweet to me, going so far as to tell me I look "so pretty" (even when I know I don't) every time she sees me. I don't so much mind, she's trying.
and the
4) People who looked shocked that I'm out in public and not trussed up like this
Mental Health is one of those hush-hush topics, but in the last few years, a few celebrities have "come out" as crazy (Catherine Zeta Jones,
Labels: le crazy