Thursday, July 18, 2013

Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

 Every single summer, cosmetics companies say to me "Hey, Pasty White Girl, you should try some self-tanner."

And I respond "No, thank you, I hate that stuff, it always smells like pee and makes my skin orange-y and streaked."

And they say "That was last year's product, this new product is SO DIFFERENT. No pee smell, no streaks, just a healthy glow! Technology! Natural stuff! Pleasant smell! Spray bottle that makes it impossible to mess up!"

And I say "Are you sure?"

And they say "Have we ever lied to you before? Seriously, try it."

And I say "Okay, here's my $10, give me a healthy skincolor!"

And then the next day, I look like an Oompa Loompa with a skin condition and walk around trying to figure out why I keep smelling urine.

Every. Single. Summer.

Labels: first world problems, I'm an idiot, pointless whining

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I've kind of been feeling like I'm having a shitty week* and then, when I was on my way home from dropping off my kid at school, I saw a guy coming out of a liquor store at 8:30AM, clutching a 6 pack of Budweiser like it was his only friend in the world

So, yeah, I'm officially no longer complaining.

*blah blah blah depression, blah blah blah stress about moving

Labels: first world problems, le crazy, pointless whining

Sunday, April 07, 2013

Not exactly No More Mr. Nice Guy, but maybe a little less of it

Last year I gave away a lot of my art. Probably about 20% of the pieces I made. I gave them away to journalists who did articles on me, to friends who liked particular pieces, to friends who asked me to make pieces for them, to family members, basically to anyone who liked them.

You know what's crazy, though? I didn't even get a thank you for probably 90% of the stuff I gave away.

Like the woman I've known for probably 7 or 8 years (mostly online) who sent me a message on facebook to ask me to make a quote from a movie she liked. I made the piece, sent it out and didn't hear a damn thing until she wanted something else from me 2 months later (didn't hear from her again when I pointed her to where the item she wanted was listed in my shop).

Or my brother and sister-in-law - for the past couple years, we've only been doing Christmas gifts for kids (not the adults). Since I'm nice, last Christmas, I sent her a box containing stuff for her kids, a package of homemade gingerbread biscotti and a bottle of wine for the adults. I didn't even get an acknowledgement until a week after Christmas when I emailed her to ask if she'd gotten the package (and I know it's jackass-y to ask for acknowledgement of a present, but fuck her for not getting my kid anything). (and, yeah, I know I was talking about giving away my art and this wasn't about my art, but I still think it's fucked up since we're in April and they still never sent my kid anything for Christmas...).

Initially, I decided that I was just going to stop being nice. I mean, fuck people, they're all ungrateful fuckers, right? But then I realized that I'm not the one who needs to change the way I am. I don't give away stuff because I need a ticker tape parade, I give stuff away because I like when people like my stuff, I like to know that people want to have my stuff in their houses, I like people having my stuff in their houses (or offices). So I'm not going to stop giving my stuff away, I'm just going to put a little more effort into giving my stuff to people who aren't ungrateful jerks (although I am going to stop putting effort into getting Christmas presents for people don't find my family important enough to get presents for)

My point here is that lots of people act like they're entitled. And they're not. And neither am I, so I'm going to focus on being grateful for the stuff that comes my way - whether it's someone holding open the door for me at the post office, or the two or three people in the world who read my rambling emails or someone who likes my art enough to want it. I'm going to try to hold on to the good stuff and let the bad stuff slip through my fingers.

Labels: just sayin', pointless whining

Thursday, July 12, 2012

There needs to be a word stronger than "sad"

Because I've been mired in depression for... oh, I don't know, it's been really bad for the last week or two and the only thing worse than feeling neck deep in sadness is expecting people to understand that I'm hyper-sensitive, sleeping all the time, crying all the time and more or less unable to participate in my own life because I'm "sad".

But that's honestly the only way I can describe it. I'm just needlessly and unreasonably sad.

And I'm taking my meds, I'm getting enough sleep, I'm cleaning the house, I'm exercising (when I'm capable of leaving the house), I've tried alienating everyone I like, I've tried listening to sad songs, I've tried listening to happy songs, I've tried eating chocolate, I've tried shopping (even at Ikea!!!! That's, like, my favorite place ever), I've even looked at depictions of dinosaurs humping and nothing helps at all.

I've dealt with depression my whole life, so it's not like it's something new to me, it's just that I want to reach out or explain it to people. It would be so much easier if it was a physical thing, like a gaping head wound or a bone sticking out of my arm.

Labels: first world problems, le crazy, pointless whining

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Dear My Period,

Imagine my chagrin when I happened to take a peek at my period tracker thing to find that you were scheduled to arrive on the move day. Like I really needed something else to worry about when I'm venturing back into the fun-filled world of Los Angeles area traffic.

And even though you rarely arrive on your scheduled day, I do appreciate that you waited until today, when I finally unpacked enough boxes to find some tampons.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear People Who Did The Packing,

1) I appreciate that even though you were specifically instructed to leave the clothes (INCLUDING MY UNDERWEAR) in the drawers and just move the dressers as is, you decided to pack all the clothes that were in the drawers (INCLUDING MY UNDERWEAR).

2) I really appreciate that I had to go through no less than 8 boxes of stuff marked simply "Kitchen/Glassware" to actually find a single glass or plate. Every time I've moved, I've done a shitty job of marking boxes, but it's not, you know, my JOB or something I'm being paid to do. You might as well just have marked everything as "stuff". Because of your shitty labeling, I'm still unable to find the dish drainer, my embroidery stuff and the bathroom trash cans.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That being said, it's strange and nice to live in a house where more than the bare minimum maintenance has been performed - we now have windows that are double-paned and open because they aren't sealed shut with years of mold, toilets that flush, a garbage disposal, a refrigerator that hasn't yet frozen the stuff on the top shelf and no constant smell of mildew... in retrospect, it kind of seems like my crazy-ass landlord just might have been a slumlord. I used to write it off as him being European and being raised in a poor-ish Community country (it was no good to even ask him about repairing something until it was 200% broken - one of the bathrooms developed a leak, the hot water thing wouldn't turn off and he wouldn't even come over to look at it until the dripping turned into a steady stream), but I think the dude might have just been cheap.

Labels: first world problems, letter to, pointless whining

Monday, June 04, 2012

I am emotionally equipped to handle:

a) moving
b) moving into a way smaller house* than we live in now
c) becoming sort of almost a bit (internet) popular with whole embroidery thing
d) becoming sort of almost a bit successful with the whole embroidery thing
e) some family stuff I don't feel like sharing
f) all of the above - LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING BOSS
g) none. of. the. above.


If I haven't shaved my head, set myself on fire and/or alienated everyone I like by the end of this month, I will consider this experiment in stress a smashing success.


*but it's a very cute house, with hardwoods throughout and it doesn't smell like mold like this house does from all the leaks that it took my landlord over a year to fix

Labels: first world problems, pointless whining

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I'm pretty sure I'm the last person in the world without a Smart Phone

I mean, yes, I'm ALWAYS home, and I've got the internet here and so I don't really need a Smart Phone, but I still kind of feel like I'm carting around one of these

Labels: first world problems, pointless whining

Saturday, June 18, 2011

on the eve of my first fatherless Father's Day

I was in the middle of this post about my dad, mostly childhood stuff and nonsense, but I couldn't really get it to say what I wanted to say and then I realized that it was a bunch of memories that I probably needed to keep just for me.

I will say this, though - if my dad were the type of beer-swilling, little-league-coaching, backyard-barbecuing dad that's been portrayed in the seventy seven kajillion commercials for polo shirts, power tools and edible arrangements I've seen in the last month, I would probably be a basket case right now. As it is, I get a little verklempt every time I see his name on the first page of contacts in my phone or when gmail suggests that I might want to add him onto certain emails I send.

Labels: pointless whining

Sunday, May 29, 2011

So... the neighbor lady who felt it was necessary to come to my house to tell me her husband was an adulterer* and she'd kicked him out, didn't feel it was necessary to let me know that she and her family were going to have a yard sale, you know, in case we wanted to have one, too**



* I'm assuming they're back together as he's living there again and she's back to acting like I don't exist (not a huge loss, she had big Dallas hair, wears high-heeled clogs and is churchy, so it's not like we were going to be pals, it's just that she didn't need to be so transparent in her usage of me as an emotional tampon)

**not that I would have wanted to have one, I'm sick as crap, haven't showered in 2 days and the thought of sitting outside at 6AM and haggling over pennies with strangers appeals to me about as much as a pap smear on a bed of nails right now, but it's just weird the communication that exists in a neighborhood, that's all I'm sayin'.

Labels: pointless whining

Sunday, May 01, 2011

So I've mentioned my recent follicular issues and, after more boxes of hairdye, packages of grape kool-aid and gallons of conditioner than I'd like to admit, my hair is probably about as close to the Aniston-esque color as it's going to get for now - go, me - but because of all that, my hair was a little damaged and I had to lose a bit of the length, so instead of the below the shoulder mop I've been sporting for a while, it's a teeny bit above my shoulders and layered (it's about 2 inches shorter than tan-realtor-with-an-ad-in-the-local-newspaper and about 3 inches longer than chubby-white-girl-who-has-an-eyebrow-ring-and-dates-black-guys).

Today, I'm at a basketball game for The Kid and the mom of one of his teammates does a doubletake when she sees me.

"You are always doing different stuff with your hair!" she says, as though it's news to me. (granted she's probably had the same hairstyle since 1991, so it probably seems weird to her)

We're not pals so I'm not going to bore her with the hair chronicles, so I just say "Oh, yeah, you know, I'm always trying new things. I should probably just shave it off..." and before I can say "and buy wigs instead", she interrupts and says -

"Oh, and start over?"

This woman's kid and The Kid have been on the same basketball team on and off for over 2 years and she is pathologically incapable of remembering my name... but she thinks she knows me well enough that she can finish my sentences?

Labels: pointless whining

Saturday, February 12, 2011

LIMBO!!!!

okay, not that kind of limbo, unfortunately, but I'm in the limbo between sick and not-sick - and I have been for the last week. And I could handle it if it were a head cold, I'd just do Dayquil shots and go about my business - but it's like a stomach issue and it just makes me feel like 33 shades of ickiness.

Also, it sucks to be sick on my birthday - I should be stuffing my face with red velvet cake balls (OMG YUM) and trying out my new pasta machine thing and downloading free apps on my new iPod Touch (OMG LOVE) and wearing my new necklace from my sister (okay, that I can do)  - not lying on the couch feeling like I'm dying.

Also, also - this is my first birthday without my dad - I guess this is the first of those dad-losing milestones. Fun fact - I was the only child at whose birth my dad was actually present - my brother was born in some Catholic hospital where they didn't allow the baby daddies to be in the room and by the time my sister was born (10 years after my brother, six years after me), the marriage was petering out and my mom didn't even invite him to the hospital.

Labels: pointless whining

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

pro-tip

if you've been feeling malaise-y and generally unwell for the past week or so* and woke up with a terrrrrible headache and weird pressure-y pain behind your eyes, it's probably not a good idea to fall asleep to a "House" marathon because you'll just wake up positive that you have:

a) Lupus**
b) Cushings***
c) an invisible tumor
and or
d) some weirdo viral infection that only 4 people in the entire world have ever heard of




*oh the joys of living with my own carrier monkey a schoool age child

**it's never Lupus

*** I don't even know what this is, but it's something they suggest an awful lot

Labels: pointless whining, random pop culture reference

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Just a reminder of 2 rules of the universe

1) if you're going to Petsmart, PUT ON SOME GODDAMN SHOES. Seriously, of the places where I would walk around barefoot, a pet store is not even in the top 1000. (I was unable to keep the look of horror off of my face when I passed some shoe-less lady in the cat litter aisle today. I may or may not have hissed "grossssssss!")

2) If you find a vintage velvet painting at a thrift store, you must purchase it. Even if it is a painting of a train and cowboys and is insanely tacky and you really don't have anywhere to hang it. It's a GODDAMN VINTAGE VELVET PAINTING.

click it to see it bigger (but also imagine it full size - around 2 x 3.5 feet)

Labels: I take pictures, pointless whining

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

okay, fine, I give up, I'm never going to look cute in prescription glasses.

I've needed glasses since about third grade. Without some sort of corrective lenses, I can't see more than about 6 inches in front of my face.

To give you an idea of how blind I am -

what looks like this to most people*:



looks like this to me with no correction:


(if you know anything about eye prescriptions, my eyes are -9.5)

I've worn contacts since I was about 15 because I've never been able to find glasses that were even remotely cute. I've always had the backup pair of glasses but I refuse to wear them in public because they make me look like a bug.

The last time I got new glasses was probably more than ten years ago, and since then, I've seen way more cute frames and I figured that medical science had maybe come up with some way to make glasses that could make me look cute and smart. I don't have any aversion to contacts, I actually find them comfortable, I just wanted to have the option.

So at my yearly exam, I found some cute frames and upgraded to the thinner lenses in hopes of being able to rock the glasses in a Lisa Loeb-esque way on a semi-regular basis. And the people at the eye doctor assured me that I wouldn't look bug-esque in these glasses.

After waiting two weeks for the lenses to be specially ordered from the NASA, I finally got to go pick up my new glasses today.

And while these are about half as thick as my last ones... guess who still looks like a bug (spoiler alert: it's me)

 




*yes, I'm watching Judge Judy, don't judge me

Labels: pointless whining

Friday, January 14, 2011

tiny little update from Florida

so we're doing the family thing and it's been good, just talking about my dad and doing our best impressions of him - it's been a pleasant time.

I've also been shocked and amazed by the kindness people have been showing my stepmom - in addition to flowers and cards and calls, people from her work have dropped up a metric pantload of food - lunchmeats, cheese, mayo, mustard, desserts, sodas, and bread - oh so much bread - I've never seen so much food and I've never seen such an amazing outpouring of care from a group of people, her boss has stopped by the past 3 days to bring food and stuff, it's unbelievable. I didn't think people were actually like this.

~~~~~~~~

Also, my travel anecdote - I haaaaaaate traveling - hate it - I hate the crowds, I hate the smell of airplanes, I hate the stupid cramped seats, I hate taking off my shoes for the scanner thing, and I really really hate how 98% of the people in the airport act like they've never flown before. HATE IT. DREAD IT.

The only thing I hate more than flying would be having to drive a huge long distance to get to an airport - so Tuesday morning, I woke up at 2AM to leave by 3 to get to LAX by 6 - and I grumped my way through the TSA thing and slumped over to the gate and dramatically threw down my laptop bag and backpack and pull out my iPod - as I'm untangling the ear pieces, I look over and see a dwarf waiting to get on my flight - not just a short guy, a legitimate dwarf. I was so excited, I LOVE dwarves, they make me happy, and as wrong as it is, I wish I had a dwarf sidekick.

I waited until boarding time and was hoping against hope that I would get to sit next to him (or have him ride on my lap) because that would have made me not hate flying - but instead, I got stuck next to some couple from New York who were going to Europe for a couple of months and spent half the time before takeoff calling their doorman to find out if Bloomingdales had delivered their new linens because they wanted to have their maid come and put them on the beds. I would have tripped them when we were on our way off the plane had they not elbowed me out of the way to get out before me. Way to be assholes, guys!

Labels: pointless whining

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

There needs to be a magnetic bumper ribbon for this

Why can't toothpaste manufacturers get together and have some kind of standardization when it comes to naming flavors?

Why am I always standing in the toothpaste aisle staring at packages of Sparkling Mint, Magical Mint, Mystical Mint and Refreshing Mint and trying to figure out which one will taste like toothpaste and which one will taste like Pepto Bismol and which one will taste like minty cough drops?

I just want to brush my teeth with something that doesn't make me want to vomit. Is that too much to ask?

And don't even get me started on toothbrushes...

Labels: pointless whining

Monday, December 13, 2010

The house we live in is an older-ish house, and my landlord is one of those guys who fixes things on his own - which is fine, he's more than capable at that stuff, but he does fix things cheaply-ish, he fixes them so they work, not for the aesthetics.

The plumbing and stuff is older-ish, and every time I take a shower, this is how it begins -

Turn on the water, switch it to shower mode, test the water and it's arctic.

Spend a couple of minutes plucking my eyebrows.

Test the water again - still frigid.

Spend a minute contemplating my roots, wondering if it's time to dye my hair again yet.

Test the water again - still really cold, turn the handle a little further towards the HOT.

Grab the Mr Clean Magic Eraser and tidy up the bathroom sink.

Test the water again - brrrr, icy

Strip down, carefully place my clothes in a pile in the clean sink.

Test the water - still effing cold

Tidy up my small makeup area, arranging my stuff in my little makeup case.

Test the water -wintry, at best.

Read the first few chapters of "War & Peace".

Test the water - slightly less cold

Read the rest of "War and Peace".

Test the water - still not warm enough.

Alphabetize my ridonkulously big collection of haircare products

Test the water - holy shit, it's nearly body temperature.

Quickly take off my towel, hang it on the bar next to the shower, hop into the shower and HOLY FUCK, THE WATER HAS BEEN REPLACED WITH MOLTON HOT MAGMA.


And after living here for nearly two years, there is not once that I've been able to take a shower without nearly needing skin grafts

Labels: pointless whining

Thursday, December 09, 2010

me (going into the garage to do laundry): aaaauuuuggggghhhh, a spider!

3 seconds later

me: is that a black widow?

cue me running back into the house to grab my camera

me: ooohhhhh, a black widow!



cue my face going from 8D to D8

me: oh fuck, it's a black widow

then I located some bug killer spray* and proceeded to empty the bottle on her.





*I am pathologically incapable of killing a bug larger than an ant. Also, she was creeping up the door that goes from the garage into the house and, with my spectacular grace, I probably would have either gotten the thing in my hair or in the house if I tried to kill her with a shoe or something.

And I really felt bad about killing her, I hate to impede on anyone's right to kill bugs, but I draw the line at poisonous stuff near my pets... oh, and The Kid, too**

**speaking of The Kid, I am SO the worst parent ever - I totally spaced on the honor roll ceremony today (it's his 4th trimester in a row on the honor roll)

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, I take pictures, pointless whining

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

This morning, The Kid struck out for the great beyond.

No, he hasn't wised up and run away from home, he was off to science camp/outdoor school/6th grade camp* until Friday.

And he's never been away from home/parents for more than a night before. And I've never been away from my munchkin for this long before and I already miss him**.

Of course, this does mean that I don't have to wake up to get him to school in the morning, so woo-hoo!


*I went to 6th grade camp when I was a kid living in LA County, but when we moved South to Orange County, my sister never went - so maybe it's only LA County and a bit North that does this?

** I'm such a dork.

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, pointless whining

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Did the dish run away with the spoon?

For some reason, spoons disappear from my house - there are always enough forks, always enough knives, but every damn time I want cereal or yogurt, that damn spoon compartment is empty and I have to either wash one or use that weird long spoon that we only use for stirring chocolate milk.

Yesterday, I was forced to make a trip to Walmart (because it's the only damn place in town that sells the environmentally friendly cat litter my hippy ass insists upon using now) and when I came out to the parking lot, I found this next to my car:


I don't know if this was a defector from my house, or if it was trying to catch a ride home (but it was covered in some mystery substance AND it was the Walmart parking lot, so I left it).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also, since it's been nearly two years of living in the prettiest place on the planet, it looks like we might be on the road again - OMG YAY, MOVING AGAIN!!!! - except... bleh. But as long as it's not back to Texas, I can suck it up and deal - as long as I have the internet, cable and the occasional trip to Target, I could pretty much live anywhere - this time around, anywhere could be LA County (which wouldn't totally suck), Salt Lake City (eh, it's a big city and looks pretty), Seattle (it's beautiful and my sister lives there), and Phoenix (lowest on my list simply because I love sweater weather, but it's a big city and they have an Ikea and everywhere is air-conditioned).

Labels: pointless whining