Thursday, July 18, 2013
Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".
Every single summer, cosmetics companies say to me "Hey, Pasty White Girl, you should try some self-tanner."And I respond "No, thank you, I hate that stuff, it always smells like pee and makes my skin orange-y and streaked."
And they say "That was last year's product, this new product is SO DIFFERENT. No pee smell, no streaks, just a healthy glow! Technology! Natural stuff! Pleasant smell! Spray bottle that makes it impossible to mess up!"
And I say "Are you sure?"
And they say "Have we ever lied to you before? Seriously, try it."
And I say "Okay, here's my $10, give me a healthy skincolor!"
And then the next day, I look like an Oompa Loompa with a skin condition and walk around trying to figure out why I keep smelling urine.
Every. Single. Summer.
Labels: first world problems, I'm an idiot, pointless whining
Friday, November 02, 2012
I've never been shy about my fondness for Ambien
Mostly because it helps to hook me up with sleep.And sleep is one of my Favorite Things Ever. It's definitely in my top 3 of Favorite Things Ever along with eating and the smell of fabric softener.
One of the coolest things about Ambien is that pretty much no matter what time I take it, I wake up at about 7:20 without the slightest whiff of a hangover. I love that. Pop one at 10:30? 11:30? Don't remember to dig out the bottle until close to midnight? No problem, see you at 7:20!
Here's what I found out the other night - if I take it at 10:45, finish watching "Colbert Report" and then decide, at 11, to return one last text before heading off to bed, I can actually stay up for another hour and a half returning texts (incredibly slowly and chock full of spelling errors, but still correctly punctuated, thankyouverymuch) before I finally admit that I need sleep. And I will be awake, bright and early at 7:20am with no hint of a sleeping-pill hangover.
Of course, when I happen to pick up my phone at 7:30am or 8am or whenever I dig it out of my purse and glance at the message history, I may be overcome with a what-the-actual-fuck-did-I-say hangover (made even worse by the fact that, mysteriously, about a third of the messages have been erased, so it's like this patchwork quilt of mis-matched idiocy [on my end] and I cannot make sense of any of it - like, why did I reference Billy Dee Williams? What was I saying about Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston? Why did I say "are you a vampire? You can tell me, it's cool"? And why did I feel the need to give such honest and DETAILED answers to questions?)
I think the moral of this story is - if we're friends (and I'd like to think we are), and you ever happen to get a text or instant message or email from me wherein I happen to mention that I've taken an Ambien, tell me to step away from the phone/computer/fax machine and go the fuck to sleep because 7:20am is going to be there earlier than I can imagine.
Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, I'm an idiot
Saturday, May 26, 2012
pro-tip
if you've ever sent a text that said "holy fuck, please disregard that previous text" (That may or may not be in reference to an ill-advised photograph) you may need to rethink the idea of having a bottle of wine for lunch/dinner.Just sayin'
Labels: I'm an idiot
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Here's how bad I am at wrapping presents
Five minutes ago, I almost chopped off my own finger while cutting wrapping paper.Labels: I'm an idiot
Friday, August 26, 2011
Dear Local Person Who Owns My Car Twin,
Please stop shopping at stores where I shop when I shop in them because I feel like a complete idiot every time I stand behind your car and furiously press the button on my keyfob for five minutes before I realize that I actually parked five spots over.Thanks a bunch!
xxoo,
me
Labels: I'm an idiot, letter to
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Here's how smart I am sometimes -
I woke up this morning feeling like crap* and actually spent a good couple of minutes vacillating over whether or not I should call and cancel my doctor's appointment for today.Yep, I considered calling in sick for a doctor's appointment.
Also, I've picked up so many prescriptions from Walgreen's within the last 2 weeks that everyone in the store recognizes me and is probably taking bets on what exactly my dysfunction actually is.**
*after I had gotten over my gross summer cold, The Kid was kind enough to bring home a new one from basketball camp - who says only children don't share?
** assumably, once the brand spanking new anti-anxiety meds kick in, I'll stop worrying about completely ridonkulous things like that.
Labels: I'm an idiot
Friday, June 03, 2011
Either I'm getting stupider, or there is way too much math involved in purchasing toilet paper.
Seriously, I must have been standing in the paper products aisle at Albertson's this afternoon for a good ten minutes trying to figure out, between the double rolls, triple rolls and "8 jumbo rolls = 18 regular rolls" a common denominator so I could break it down by cost.Labels: I'm an idiot
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
pro-tip
If you are finally willing to admit that your icky achiness from the past few days is you getting a cold and not just a combination of allergies and sleeping wrong and you decide that comfort food is the best course of treatment for said cold, so you have McDonalds instead of a real dinner - don't act all surprised when you feel even worse a couple of hours later, okay? |
| no need to call in the Jesus Grim Reaper just yet, I'll take some meds |
Labels: I'm an idiot
Sunday, August 22, 2010
om nom nom
Within the past week, I've been bitten by 2 snakes*, 1 lizard** and one of my favorite dogs*** at the dog park.****I'm thinking the universe is trying to send me a message.
And clearly, that message is that I'm DELICIOUS!
* probably my fault, they were hungry and I may or may not have smelled like the food I was preparing to feed them
** possibly my fault, I was hand-feeding him some banana (apparently, his favorite food), it was kind of squished on my finger and he was super excited about it.
*** not completely my fault, he's a rescue dog who was abused previously, I was petting him and my phone fell out of my pocket, I reached for it and I think I scared him, so he nipped at my hand.
**** possibly noteworthy, I was momentarily surprised, but not scared by any of these bites. Then, the other night when I saw a small spider skittering across the living room floor, I was so freaked out that I squealed like a little girl and grabbed a chair to kill it. A chair. Overkill much?
Labels: I'm an idiot
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Pro-tip for Summer
If you decide, once the morning mist stuff burns off, that it's another stupidly beautiful day and you
Labels: I take pictures, I'm an idiot, just sayin'
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Pro-tip
If you're cooking with dairy products, it's important to:1) pay attention to the expiration dates
and
2) know what month it is when checking the expiration dates (ie: the milk dated May 26th is not as okay now as it would be if it were still May)
Labels: I'm an idiot, suzy fucking homemaker