Friday, November 02, 2012

I've never been shy about my fondness for Ambien

Mostly because it helps to hook me up with sleep.

And sleep is one of my Favorite Things Ever. It's definitely in my top 3 of Favorite Things Ever along with eating and the smell of fabric softener.

One of the coolest things about Ambien is that pretty much no matter what time I take it, I wake up at about 7:20 without the slightest whiff of a hangover. I love that. Pop one at 10:30? 11:30? Don't remember to dig out the bottle until close to midnight? No problem, see you at 7:20!

Here's what I found out the other night - if I take it at 10:45, finish watching "Colbert Report" and then decide, at 11, to return one last text before heading off to bed, I can actually stay up for another hour and a half returning texts (incredibly slowly and chock full of spelling errors, but still correctly punctuated, thankyouverymuch) before I finally admit that I need sleep. And I will be awake, bright and early at 7:20am with no hint of a sleeping-pill hangover.

Of course, when I happen to pick up my phone at 7:30am or 8am or whenever I dig it out of my purse and glance at the message history, I may be overcome with a what-the-actual-fuck-did-I-say hangover (made even worse by the fact that, mysteriously, about a third of the messages have been erased, so it's like this patchwork quilt of mis-matched idiocy [on my end] and I cannot make sense of any of it - like, why did I reference Billy Dee Williams? What was I saying about Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston? Why did I say "are you a vampire? You can tell me, it's cool"? And why did I feel the need to give such honest and DETAILED answers to questions?)

I think the moral of this story is - if we're friends (and I'd like to think we are), and you ever happen to get a text or instant message or email from me wherein I happen to mention that I've taken an Ambien, tell me to step away from the phone/computer/fax machine and go the fuck to sleep because 7:20am is going to be there earlier than I can imagine.

Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, I'm an idiot