Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Even laziness needs checks and balances

After spending a week in a state full of insanely healthy people, I decided to get a little ambitious, dust the cobwebs off of my bike, pump up the tires and ride it a couple miles over to the post office to drop off some packages.

Then later when I was home, I vacuumed around some coins on the floor because I didn't want to bend over and pick them up.

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me"

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Remember that bike and beer thing?

Yeah, well, it happened... it's happening... I'm in Colorado right now staring out the balcony of a hotel room, watching ski-lifty things moving up and down a wildflower-covered mountain.

New Belgium Beer (recently voted one of the best places to work) flew me out to Colorado to spend a week following the USA Pro Challenge bike race (it's "America's Race") and being creative about it.

I've been here since Sunday and it's been a dizzying crash course in bikes, bike racing, beer and breathing in high altitudes.

I've learned that there is more to bicycle racing than just going fast, I ate Colorado-style pizza with honey on the crust, I've seen more lycra than I'd ever imagined and I met Bill Walton in my hotel hallway last night.

I've taken about 90 bajillion pictures of dizzying landscapes and wildflowers and lots of other nature-type stuff, but I forgot the cord for my camera (and I forgot sunscreen, which was worse than forgetting the cord because the sun out here is not kind to pasty white skin like mine). So that will have to wait.

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me", arts and crafts, new belgium brewing

Saturday, January 21, 2012

him: the realtor* emailed and said that she's got a cold and she can't meet us today

me: so I showered and put on underwear for nothing? I'm going back to bed.



*on the one hand, real estate is CHEAP right now, I mean, what other time ever would I be able to buy a house in California? On the other hand, it's kind of awesome to renting and not being responsible for anything that breaks or dies or leaks.

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me"

Friday, December 09, 2011

I'm kind of having this kind of day -


basically, I stitched something a couple of months ago and posted it to Tumblr and it got a bunch of "likes" and I was happy because I have a delicate ego and am grateful for any and all validation.

A month or so later, it got reposted by someone else and got more likes and my cold black heart grew just a tiny bit warm.

Then about 2 weeks ago, someone ELSE reposted it and it got about 5 times more likes than ever and then it was getting featured on more and more websites (including, but not limited to the Huffington Effing Post!!!!) and the next thing I know, it's kind of a full-time job and I'm surprisingly able to buy Christmas presents with money earned from art (and I kind of have a waiting list that will probably carry me through February because I'm too greedy nice to turn down any requests). How did that happen?

so... really this post wasn't anything other than an excuse to post that picture of Milhouse and procrastinate on the stitching I should be doing...

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me", random pop culture reference, suzy fucking homemaker

Friday, September 02, 2011

me: I'm so itchy all over, I'm going to scratch all my skin off

him: I thought you took an allergy pill earlier

me: I did, but it was one I found in the bottom of my purse... it might not have even been an allergy pill, but I'm pretty sure I spilled a bottle of allergy pills in there when we were in San Diego... it was probably an allergy pill, it was small and white and didn't have any writing on it... and it was a little bit dirty, not sticky or anything...

him: how have you managed to be alive this long without drowning yourself in the shower?

me: it's one of the great mysteries of the universe

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me"

Friday, August 26, 2011

How to Feel Smart and Get Free Tomatoes

Step 1: agree to "come take a look" at the new router with which your next-door-neighbor/landlord is having a problem getting himself and the old lady renting a room from him connected to the internet (even though you don't really know that much about PCs)

Step 2: spend approximately 30 seconds studying the mess before suggesting that they unplug both the router and the modem then plug them back in.

Step 3: Look like a fucking genius when the computers *magically* work immediately after the reset

Bonus geniousity: Within 5 seconds to help the old lady find her contacts on the updated Yahoo Mail

Step 4: Take home about 3 pounds of vine-ripened tomatoes from the insane bounty of the old lady's garden

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me"

Saturday, May 07, 2011

if you need me, I'll be on the porch picking my banjo and drinking moonshine out of a jar

Earlier this week, I needed to go to the grocery store to get whatever I get there, I got dressed, put on a little makeup, made my hair look slightly less ratty than it does when I wake up, grabbed my keys and purse and headed out.

I locked the door behind me, walked out to my car, went to start the car then realized that I wasn't wearing shoes.

Yep, got all the way out to my car before realizing that I was barefoot. Granted, it's springtime in California, so the weather is all Goldilocks*, but still!

And then today, we were getting ready to take the dog for a walk - halfway through me putting on my spiffy new shape-up shoes**, we decided to take him to the dog park instead - so I finish putting on the shoes, leash up the dog, grab my keys and halfway to the park, I realize - I'm braless. Of course I don't keep this fact to myself***

me: It's like we're from Alabama!
him: correction, it's like you're from Alabama.






*not too hot, not too cold

** which, in addition to being all kinds of ugly, are spectacularly uncomfortable

*** not that it wouldn't have been obvious sooner or later - I am occasionally jealous of small-boobed people who don't have to strap them down all the time

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me", kind of a dork

Monday, March 21, 2011

I've got a reasonable vocabulary and I'm not afraid to use it

Apparently, in addition to "dork", I'm adding "total nerd" to my resume

I've started trash talking during online word games. Yesterday, I told some guy to "get that weak stuff out of here" when he was unable to form a word longer than four letters (he resigned shortly thereafter) and today when some guy threatened a rematch after I trounced him, I instructed him to "bring it".

Although, I do reserve the right to completely ignore any and all all conversation from women with twee usernames like "Tim's Wifey" or "Brandy <3s Josh" because... really, get a fucking personality.

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me", I'm a jackass, unrepentant grammar snob

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me", suzy fucking homemaker

Friday, March 11, 2011

That is the correct answer, Sir

Me: OMG, me and my creepy Gene Simmons embroidery thing are going to be the featured artist and project for the embroidery section of this craft website*!!!

The Kid: Do you get anything for it?

Me: Just the warm fuzzy feeling that comes from knowing I'm awesome.

The Husband: Except that we already knew that.



*yes, I'm a member of a craft website (and more than one doll website), shut up, I've already admitted that I'm a dork

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me", suzy fucking homemaker

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Do you know what is an absolutely delicious way to start the morning day?

Do you?

Waking up at eleven after one of those super nice dreams that make you feel all warm inside*.**

Of course, it puts a bit of a monkey wrench in my plans to fully utilize another whole day to myself (the hubs and The Kid are at a basketball game in LA), but whatever.

Also, can anyone explain to me how I have 17 books in my "to read" stack because I keep buying books I want to read but I never get around to reading them, but I'm totally coveting those e-reader things? They're so sleek and full of words!



* you know, one of those dreams that you spend all day trying to remember because it was just so... nice?

**alternate answer: cream of wheat with butter, brown sugar and just a touch of vanilla. I get bonus points for starting my day with both.

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me"

Monday, December 20, 2010

you know what's awesome about having an entire day to yourself?

• worked on a Dorothy-Parker-quote embroidery thing
• watched all the "girl shows" that have racked up on the dvr*
• watched a CSI marathon
• took the last trip to Target for a long time**
• bought a roast for Christmas
• took a two and a half hour nap
• ate chicken nuggets for dinner
• made rice pudding***
• finally wrapped and packaged my mom's birthday presents****
• sold something out of my etsy shop*****
• took macro shots of tiny little people
• cleaned the kitchen
• considered cleaning the back room of the house
• decided against cleaning the back room of the house

*including about 10 minutes of "Leap Year" before I had to delete it... I watch every episode of "Married to Rock", but couldn't take an hour and a half of a predictable romantic comedy. What has my life come to?

** did I miss some memo that went out telling everyone that the week before Christmas, they're supposed to be complete dicks? Damn, y'all, it's Christmas... and my dad's doing okay - and even if you don't celebrate Christmas or know my dad, you've got something to celebrate, even if it's just that you get a day off for someone else's holiday.

*** who eats rice pudding? You know what, though, it's delicious

**** her birthday is 2 days after Christmas, I couldn't just send them with her Christmas presents? Also, I might be re-gifting something she gave me a few years ago - it's some tacky little rhinestoned butterfly thing that holds pictures, it couldn't be less my style. She'll never remember anyway.

***** that makes 4 sales all together - w00t - I'm most excited about selling pictures. Mostly because my photography is super important to me

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me", and I'm not even on Ambien

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

if I count the high fructose corn syrup in my soda and the kettle corn I had for lunch, I've eaten about 72 servings of vegetables today!

Yay for eating healthy!

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me"

Friday, August 06, 2010

And the Miss Congeniality award goes to...

Me.



Wanna know my deepest, darkest secret?

I'm nice. To everyone. Well, I try to be nice to everyone. Even people who don't deserve it. Even people who aren't especially nice to me. And if I'm not nice nice, at least I'm not mean, I don't go out of my way to hurt people.

For reals, I am not cut out to be eeeeeevil.

Shocking, I know, but it's true. When I do or say something not-nice that might hurt someone, I almost always feel icky almost immediately.

For instance, if someone hurts me, like, really bad, like if someone purposely gives me a paper cut, one of those awful ones you get from manila folders, and then drips lemon juice on it, I would lash out and say or do something awful. Approximately thirty seconds afterward, I would feel like a jerk and do something nice to make amends. To the person who gave me a paper cut and put lemon juice on it.

What IS that?

Why can't I just be mean, period. Why can't I just tell them and their manila folder to fuck right off and then go get myself some frozen yogurt?

I've been like this my whole life.

But I'm trying to stop. Not stop being nice, because, really, that would be kind of an asshole move and aren't there enough assholes in the world (bluetooth wearers, I'm looking at you)? I'm going to try to stop countering meanness with meanness - because two wrongs don't make a right (but three lefts do...).

This doesn't mean that I'm just going to let people spritz their mean all over me like some cheap perfume sample in the mall and then walk away leaving me in a cloud of Chanel No. Jerk. I fully intend to call people out on their shit, but I'll do it in a nice(r) (or at least level-headed) way*. I'll say something like "That paper cut was kind of a dick move and the lemon juice was unnecessary. Maybe in the future, you'll think about why you want to hurt people before you hurt them. Now I'm going to go get some frozen yogurt, but I'm not inviting you to come with".

I'm not going to stop being nice because being nice makes me feel nice**, but maybe I'll just try to save most of my niceness - the niceness that says nice things and does nice things for no reason - for people who deserve it***.




*fingers crossed I can stop with the passive-aggressive ambien blogs about that shit

**or it makes me feel smug and superior about being on my high horse. Whatever

*** if anyone points out that the people who are the meanest probably need the niceness most, I will cut that person. But in a nice way, like with a REALLY sharp knife, so it won't hurt much and then I'll offer some antibiotic cream and a bandage. And a cookie.

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me", and I'm not even on Ambien

Saturday, July 10, 2010

it's official - I'm awesome

I.
Made.
Croissants.

it started like this:

and included this:

and then this:



which turned into this:



that was all last night - this morning started with rolling out:


then there was some cutting and shaping:



then came the baking:

and the plating:



so they're not exactly healthy (helloooooo, 3 sticks of butter!), but they are spectacular and flaky and crunchy and rich.

And having the house smell like a patisserie (or is it boulangerie? who knows, I'm not Francophilic enough to know)? It doesn't suck.

Here's the weird part - they weren't difficult. Time-intensive, yes, but difficult? Not at all.

Even if I never make them again, I will be forever grateful to the lovely Julie at Willow Bird Baking for the recipe and encouragement - go check out the recipe (and her pics are much prettier than mine) and make them IMMEDIATELY.

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me", suzy fucking homemaker

Monday, July 05, 2010

It took about 10 minutes of being in our hotel to spot our first hooker

unfortunately, I wasn't quick enough to get a picture of her. That's the one thing that sucks about having a "real" camera versus my tiny little camera - I can get less ninja shots. She was spectacular, though - tiny skirt, bra top and about fifteen feet tall.

Other than that, Vegas is still Vegas - I was thinking that, since it's during the week, it would be less crowded, but... not so much - the sidewalks are packed with equal parts Europeans, slightly-feminine Europeans with popped collars, tall European women and women with fake boobs and fake eyelashes. Oh, and drunken douchey guys with spikey hair, stupid sunglasses, backpacks and no sense of personal space.

and here are a couple shots from the Strip today  -




Okay, not even acknowledging that this is a mixing of Marvel Comics and DC Comics (which is so wrong)  - I wish I could have gotten my camera ready before Spiderman bent over - his costume was so tight... in so many places... well, you would know why dude's a superhero.

Other than that... why does driving make me sofa king tired?

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me", adventures in shitty parenting

Monday, May 31, 2010

this week is going to be AWESOME

wanna know how I know?

Because I get to start tomorrow - the first day of the week - with another visit to the dentist (I have a broken filling that needs... refilling)

And if starting out a week with a mouth filled with cotton and dental instruments isn't THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY TO START A WEEK, well, I'm afraid I don't know what is.

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me"