Saturday, December 27, 2008

Dear Ozzy Osbourne,

Stop, okay?

Stop with the black nailpolish, stop with the hippy sunglasses, stop with the "I'm the Prince of Darkness" crap because:

1) you're, what, 60? Black nailpolish is lame on anyone over 15 (please let Marilyn Manson know, mmmkay?)

2) those sunglasses haven't been cool since the 60s

and

3) when you're ALWAYS on my tv hawking fucking cell phones and video games? You've lost any scary-gothic street cred that you ever had.

You were valid in the 70s, 80s and even a smidge into the 90s, and just when you were ready to fade into the obscurity of being an answer to a Rock & Roll Jeopardy* question, you had to invite MTV's cameras into your home so everyone could see that your dogs were un-potty-trained and you were suffering the ravages of years and years and years of drug addition some mysterious disease.

At first, it was kind of cool to be allowed that kind of peek into a celebrity's life (even if it did open the doors to such monstrosities as "Hogan Knows Best" and "Snoop Dogg's Fatherhood"), but then it was just kind of sad watching your kids spiral out of control, your wife throw tantrums (and food) and you being completely oblivious to everything.

Why can't you either stay a valid aging rock star by making music (please see: Robert Plant or any of those other guys making the county fair circuit - maybe it's not playing stadiums, but it's much less of a sellout existence than the one you're cultivating now) or retire to a cushy existence of playing golf and owning restaurants (please see: Alice Cooper)?

Whatever you do, I'd appreciate it if you'd just get the hell off my tv.

Thanks,

me


* I know it's not on anymore, but I'm hoping for a revival since that's the only game show I could ever win.

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