Friday, April 23, 2010

Dear People in this Town

Like you, lady in the post office - I know this is kind of a small town, but I have to tell you that you're not the only one who lives here. For you to think it's okay to spend close to ten minutes monopolizing the one and only cashier while you go back and forth over which design you want for the 10 stamps you're purchasing while six or seven other people wait in line is... ridiculous. Not a cute, quirky kind of ridiculous, but a patently crazy ridiculous. No one is going to care if you send something with the Elmo stamps, the purple heart stamps or the liberty stamps. In the words of the postal employee "THEY'RE JUST STAMPS!"

And you, fat, bitter, slow couple in the grocery store - the aisles in the store are fairly wide, more than enough room for at least 2 carts. When you guys spread out your cart and your asses in the aisle, however, there isn't enough room for anyone else to get through. And, yes, after I politely said "excuse me" twice in one aisle, I did heave a pretty exasperated sigh. Yes, grocery shopping mid-day would seem to indicate that I didn't have anywhere important to be, but that doesn't mean I want to spend my entire day trapped between next to the coffee filters while you guys debate whether you should buy five boxes of the hot cocoa with marshmallows, or without. For you jackasses to make some crabby comment about how "everyone here is so rude" and mumble something about "being in such a hurry for no reason" makes me want to extend to you an invitation to eat a bag of dicks at your earliest convenience.

And you, lady with the infant in the produce section - that you took nearly a minute to figure out how to open the plastic bags (that, at one end, says "open this end") makes me kind of scared that you have a baby depending on you.

And you, old man buying only a bag of chips, some cookie mix, a big bottle of vodka and a big jug of gin? Well, you clearly know how to throw a party. We are SO hanging out tonight.