Thursday, November 04, 2010

Dear New Cat,

I know that cats don't like water, but I don't understand why you decided to wage a full scale war on H2O in the middle of the night - a battle which included knocking over a half-full glass of water on the kitchen counter and biting or clawing at least 10 holes in a full gallon of water (which turned it into a half-gallon of water surrounded by a big puddle on the floor).

Did water say something to you? Did it try to start shit? Or are you still mad about last week when you fell into the bathtub with The Kid?

If you could stick with cat toys (or your version of cat toys; buttons and pen caps) from now on, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks,

the person who feeds you

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Dear Marginally Scary Biker Guy,

Sorry I tried to steal your dog today. It's just that he's half-blind and was wandering down a marginally busy frontage road by himself. And I'm a sucker for strays.

I guess you're lucky you happened to step out of your garage in time to see me opening up my tailgate and him hopping in. Perhaps you should consider supervising your pets a little better.

Thanks


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Dear Old Lady in Front of Me at the Grocery Store,

First of all, who the fuck still writes checks?

Second of all, I'm assuming you're writing a check because you're a thousand years old and set in your ways, but why the fuck did you have to act all put out when the cashier needed information like your address and drivers license number? You're probably been writing checks for at least five hundred years, how are you not familiar with the process by now?

Thanks,

The Person Behind You Who Aged Approximately Seven Years Waiting for You to Get Your Shit Together

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