Monday, November 01, 2010

I can't go into the garage after dark because that's when the spiders have custody of the garage and they do their spider business.

Usually this isn't a problem, since I haven't yet set up that Hasbro Ez-Bake Meth Lab I got for my last birthday and I don't spend a whole lot of time in the garage.

The washer and dryer live in the garage, but I always either do the laundry during the day or leave it in there for the next day.

Tonight, however, I forgot the bed sheets and comforter cover in the dryer.

Fuck.

If I lived alone, I would have no problem sleeping on the bare mattress with a naked comforter, but since I don't live alone, I knew I'd never hear the end of it...

I tiptoed up to the garage door and cracked it open just enough to get my hand in there and turn on the lights to let the spiders know I was coming in, so I could tiptoe-run* to the dryer, retrieve the sheets and tiptoe-run back into the house.

I push open the door a bit to make sure I don't see any creepy crawlers and all of a sudden HOLY FUCK, THERE'S A SPIDER GALLOPING TOWARDS ME!!!!!!

Before I can girly-squeal and slam the door, IT GETS IN THE FUCKING HOUSE!!!!!

 Upon hearing my screams, the husband and The Kid yell, in unison "what now?"

"A giant freaking spider ran into the house before I could go get the sheets!" I scream, staring at the spider, who is now camped in front of the garage door daring me to do something (which, we both know, I'm not going to).

"What kind of spider?"

HOW DOES THIS MATTER? IT'S GOT A BUNCH OF LEGS AND A FURRY BODY AND NEEDS TO BE EXTERMINATED IF I AM EXPECTED TO SLEEP IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT.

And I'm the one who asks useless questions? I'm so sure.

~~~~~~~~~

Also, these things?


Are the bane of my existence. See, I like my house to smell nice, and these things are the laziest easiest way - but there are a bunch of different companies that make them and there is no standardized sizing on them, so I'm forced to either remember which brand I have at home or buy a whole new warmer and oil thing. Guess which one happens more often.


* tiptoe-running lessens the chance of me stepping on a crunchy exoskeleton and also makes me a smaller target at spider level

Labels: suzy fucking homemaker