Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Dear Gwen Stefani -

I was a fan of No Doubt a million years ago, remember when you were from Anaheim and all cute and ska and "Just a Girl", I even didn't hate the whole bindi thing. But I've got to tell you that, as the years have gone by and you've sold your soul little by little, my ardour has cooled - and I saw your new video today - you know, the one where you you're dancing at the high school? And... I don't know how to say this, but... YOU'RE, like, 40! I'm not saying that you don't look great for your age, seriously, I would kill for your legs, and don't even get me started on your abs - but at this point, you hanging out at a high school, especially in the majorette uniform, is just kind of icky, okay? And what's up with your entourage of Japanese teenagers? That's kind of icky, too. You're a couple of nose jobs away from being the female Michael Jackson. Why not just stop now, put on some Dickies and a wifebeater and head back to Orange County for a while? I'm sure Anahiem still loves you - go to Disneyland, if you like Japanese tourists, there's a ton of them there.

Think it over, okay?

Thanks, in advance, for uncreepifying yourself immediately

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