Sunday, August 07, 2005

Dear scientists and various and sundry researchers,

You can spend the next 99 years researching whether or not Marilyn Monroe really killed herself, whether or not the Titanic went down because of an iceberg or something else, and whether or not Terry Schiavo was actually a MENSA member under that thin veneer of a brain dead-ness, but guess what! No amount of research, no amount of papers written or grants dwindled away or historical recreations or time spent or media coverageg is going to change any of it.

I'm not saying that they're not all tragedies in their own right, but they are all in the past - the past - as in - not currently happening - as in not changing - ever. In the immortal words of the great philosopher, Chick Hearn: "The door's closed, the light's out, the eggs are cooling, the butter's getting hard and the Jell-O is jiggling"

You want to help the world? Solve the current mysteries of the universe or cure all diseases or eradicate poverty or put an end to hunger, then I'll care about the trillions of dollars that have gone into your research.

I'll hop down off of my Sunday morning soap box and we'll return to your regularly scheduled snark shortly.

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