Thursday, November 17, 2005

Duck and Weave

I only dated Tommy Lee because I took great pleasure in watching him struggle to spell big words. After he mastered the "Fun with Dick and Jane" series, it was no fun anymore. The attraction was lost. I did go with him to his elementary school graduation last year, but after that, I set him free. I think he took my aquanet, the bastard.

I've been able to elude the paparazzi pretty well or the "rattzis" as Jen Aniston and I refer to them. Yeah they don't bother me yet. Oh yeah, her friends call her "Jen". No we're not friends, but I feel her pain. Recently "the husband" was in the hospital. Pretty bad sh*t, but anyway back to me. His nurse, a sort of Latino Star Jones, turns to me and out of the blue says, "What the HALE was wrong with Jennifer Aniston letting Brat Pitt near Angelina Jolie, she's a sexy beast! Yeah! A sexy beast! Damn, what the hale was wrong with her?" I'm like, reverting into my urban speak (using my acting background and whatnot) "Uh-Huh Mary. I know!" Then, she looks at my vulnerable husband stretching out in the hospital bed and goes, "Oh yeah, his rack is nice. I saw it." I looked at husband. He eyes were pleading with me. "I had to have a bath....by her", he whispers. I turn back to her, "Uh yeah. Umm-hmmm." I'm thinkin she's thinking I should worry that she is a sexy beast and she'll steal my husband. So I comply. "Hey girl, simmer down now!!" She smiles and walks off. My husband whispers, "Get me out of here." Have some more morphine honey, and she'll look like Jenny McCarthy.

~Jen