Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Funnest. Halloween (as a parent). Ever.

A parent from my kid's school invited us to her house for Halloween, she said that there was a party down the street, and then "the husbands" were taking the kids trick or treating and "the girls" were staying home to pass out candy.

Initially, it didn't sound like the best plan in the world, I mean, the males of the species getting to go out hunting and gathering in her fabulous neighborhood while the females stayed home and kept the home fires burning? How fair is that?

It became totally fair when we got to her house and she shoved a big plastic cup full of cherry vodka and diet soda into my hand. A giant bowl of candy and endless cups of alcohol? That's my kind of Halloween celebration.

Even more fun than candy and liquor? Cooing over cute toddlers and heckling teenage trick or treaters who aren't in costume.

It started innocently enough, a teen would amble up to where we were camped on her front porch and thrust out a plastic grocery bag and we would ask where his or her costume was.

"I don't have one" the teen would answer. Or "I'm dressed up as a rapper/diva/normal person"

"Fine," my new pal would say. "I'm new to the area and I'm going to be nice and give you candy this year, but if you come to my house next year without a costume, you're not getting anything."

As the evening wore on and the alcohol kept flowing, we became less polite, eventually, when a costume-less person would start up the walkway, we would wave them off. "Nope!" she would call. "You're not wearing a costume and you're way too old for this, goodbye!"

Some of the kids would hang their heads and apologize, obviously feeling like jackasses for being busted, some of the kids wouldn't even acknowledge we'd said anything, just continue in on their cell phone conversations and head to the next house, but just as many of them were assholes, questioning why they couldn't have candy.

"Because it's Halloween," I had to say more than once.

"Yeah," my pal said. "If you want the free candy, you have to put some effort forward." (Did I mention that she's going to be a kick ass derby girl someday?)

I'm not going to say that I never trick or treated when I was a teenager - I mean, come on, free candy is free candy, right? But I never phoned it in, I always got dressed up and said "trick or treat" and "thank you". Halloween is the coolest because you get to get out there and be anybody you want to be, what the hell is the deal with getting your parents to drop you off in a nice neighborhood, then walking around carrying a plastic grocery bag and assuming that strangers owe you candy?

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting