Wednesday, August 26, 2009

having PMS, getting sick and still feeling kind of depressed are dangerous when they happen all at once

Dear Dirty Smoker Guy,

You are the one who snuck up on ME in a parking lot, don't look all offended when I'm immediately on the defensive, striking a pose like I've got a brown belt in Tae Bo. Don't say "whoa, I though you were going to attack me". And don't tell me you need a favor and tell me you need to get back to Santa Barbara and you only need one more dollar.

1) I'm aware that this is the favorite line of any Southern California dirtbag looking to get money from strangers - I've heard it a kajillion times "hey, can you help me out? I need to get back to [city at least an hour away] and I only need [small amount of money], can you help me out?" Generally, people try it at gas stations, but you were trying it at a grocery store. Weird.

2) You had a whole pack of cigarettes in your pocket - if you needed to get back to Santa Barbara that badly, why wouldn't you have used that money?


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Dear Wingnuts Selling Religion Door-to-Door,

When I see you, dressed in your Sunday best, coming up to my front door and I yell from my kitchen window "No, thank you", this is your cue to move the fuck on, not to come up to my window and try to sell me God there. I only get less polite from that point. Although, I will admit that the "Jesus Fucking Christ, what part of 'no, thank you' is hard to understand?' may have been a bit harsh. Maybe. But you were interrupting my "Burn Notice" marathon and that is NOT cool.