Friday, May 21, 2010

I'm starting a new blog

It's going to be called "Stuff I Find On My Doorstep That Does Not Belong On My Doorstep"... or should it be "Stuff I Find On My Doorstep Which Does Not Belong On My Doorstep"?


in any case -

This week it's been 2 Jesus pamphlets, a millipede, a squished snail, a moth that looked like the Wright Brothers' airplane and this fucking hairy thing:


for reals, someone come shave that thing's legs.


Other things that do not belong on my doorstep, for the record, include:

• unexpected visitors*
• big stupid leaves from the neighbor's stupid tree
• people selling revolutionary cleaning products
• people selling meat
• people selling religion
• little girls looking for The Kid at ridiculous hours of the morning
• bags of frozen meat

Things that do belong on my doorstep include, but are not limited to:

• Ryan Reynolds
• Ryan Reynolds shirtless
• giant bouquets of fresh flowers**
• large stuffed animals festooned with bows*** 
• anyone delivering a pony (or miniature horse) named Saffron 
• the bunnies who live next door and are miraculously able to escape from anything holding them

* seriously, if you show up without calling first, I will cut you.

** no, not really - sort of cliche, don't you think? Sure, they're lovely to look at for a minute, but after that, it's all just upkeep and then the inevitable wilting

*** no, not really, what am I, 14?