Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Joy to the world - my mom's present arrived...

So, yesterday I go home at lunchtime to find a little white box on the front porch - rock on, Christmas presents, right? Not exactly, it's a package from my mom. Being that it's a box and not just an envelope containing a money order (I know, you'd think that because she's retired, she'd have time to Christmas shop, but that would also entail having to find out what kind of presents her children would like) I can't wait to open it because, if nothing else, it's going to be something my sister and I can laugh about (and something that people with normal parents can express shock and horror about.)

So I grab a sharp knife and cut through the pastel kitty cat address label and the first thing that hits me is the smell of cheese breath, you know, that rotten dirty foot milk smell? Yeah, pleasant. I'm assuming that my mom, who anytime you go to her house will load you up with at least two grocery bags full of half eaten food that she and/or my stepdad purchased but didn't like, has tucked some expired Kraft singles into the box, or perhaps a chunk of cheddar that she thought I would like, but it turns out that she's just included 3 packets of those crackers with cheese spread (you know, those little packets of 6 cracker sandwiches that your mom used to put in your lunch? Yeah, she probably still had those left over from 1984 or so) She tucked them into a cute little Christmas bag - I'm not sure if they're supposed to be a part of a present, or just something to snack on while we're opening the rest of the package.

Also included in the cheese-breath box are several presents for my son (one of which turned out to be a poorly wrapped bag of wheat-free, gluten-free pasta... perhaps she thinks that we don't feed him and/or he is gluten intolerant? ) and one small present each for my husband and I (And I would be willing to bet that most everything else in that box is some sort of food, not necessarily Christmas related, just stuff out of her pantry that she thought we might like). She also sent a Christmas card addressed only to me (not my husband of 8 years) including a money order and a Christmas card for my kid with 6 crisp, new $1.

I dare you to come up with less appropriate holiday gifts. Dare. You.