Thursday, January 14, 2010

Making up for lost crappy-parenting time

Two shining examples:

1) The Kid and I went to Pismo Beach during WinterChristmas Break and there happened to be a park ranger patrolling the beach on a mule. "Cute!" says The Kid. "I want to touch it!"

"Dude," I said to The Kid. "I will totally give you five bucks if you ask her if you can touch her ass."

2) The Kid and I were driving around town sometime during WinterChristmas Break. "Have they given you the talk yet at school?" I asked.

"What talk?"

"The talk talk. About the birds and the bees? The one that they give you in fifth grade. You're in fifth grade."

"Birds... and... bees?"

I groaned. "The sex talk. Have they given you the sex talk yet?"

The look on his face was one of pure horror. "Oh, God, no!"

"I know, but you need to have the talk."

"No, Mom, they do that in sixth grade. At the end of sixth grade. The very end. Like, the last two weeks or something."

"Dude, I don't want to give the talk any more than you want to get the talk, but trust me, it's going to be less mortifying coming from me than coming from your father."

"Mom... just... no."

"Okay, well, the lines of communication are open, okay? You know, if you have any questions or whatever."

"Gross."

Later in the afternoon, I squeee to The Kid about how a same-sex couple we know who just had a baby.

He stops in his tracks and looks supremely confused. "But... how did they... I mean, how...?"

"Hey, I tried to give you the talk earlier, but you turned it down. You missed your chance."

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting