Thursday, March 11, 2010

Pro-tips if you happen to ever have the misfortune to find yourself cohabitating with me.

1) Yes, I do need 4 shampoos and 6 conditioners in the shower. You don't need to ask why, I just do.

2) Putting any of my favorite kitchen knives either in the dishwasher, or in the wrong drawer increases the possibility of said knife being plunged into your person.

3) Sometimes I watch girl movies when no one is around - should you interrupt this and say something asinine like "What are you watching?" could make my fingers itch to find one of those aforementioned knives.

4) When the dogs start their pee dance by the back door, you are just as capable as I am of letting them out. Maybe moreso if you happen to be closer.

5) If I've spent the better part of the day curled in a fetal position on the couch, huddled under several blankets, looking like day-old roadkill and emptying the medicine cabinets of any and all over-the-counter cold remedies, repeatedly asking me "what's wrong?" is just a dumb idea.*

5) a) If I'm sick on the couch and clearly dying of ebola/sars/hanta virus/the common cold, continuing to bug me because your dinner and/or dessert aren't ready yet is also a bad idea.

5)b) If I'm sick on the couch and clearly dying of ebola/sars/hanta virus/the common cold, and I manage to pry myself off of the couch to not only make Italian sausage and potato soup, but to also make brownies FROM SCRATCH, your non-sick ass had better show a little appreciation because otherwise I'm going to breathe on your face and lick your toothbrush when you're asleep.

*You know, it's not an especially hard concept - if I'm sick, leave me alone - I'll get my own water, get my own medication, and, yes, I'll make sure you don't starve in this house full of food - don't check on me every five minutes, don't offer me another blanket, and for the love of all that is holy, don't WAKE ME UP to see if I need anything.

Basically, unless the house is on fire or George Clooney has shown up at the front door looking for someone to make him empanadas or bear his children, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.


This has been a public service announcement from:
the Society for the Prevention of Me Killing You



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