Tuesday, April 27, 2010

As it turns out, I had a pretty effed up childhood, mostly thanks (due?) to my mother.

To say I don't have a great relationship with her at this point would be a ginormous understatement; at best, it's tenuous, at worst, it's contentious*.

Don't worry, this isn't going to turn in to some touchy-feely, therapizing rant - this is just how I grew up, I don't know any different - like how Amish people don't know they're missing high-speed internet and microwaves.

My problem challenge is this: we're days away from Mother's Day (which, of course, is about as much of a bullshit excuse for a holiday as Valentine's Day) and I spent half an hour in Target this morning trying to find an appropriate greeting card.

As it is, I'm not a big fan of greeting cards - $5 for a cartoon drawing of a giraffe and a canned sentiment? Wow, thanks - but the Mother's Day spectrum of cards runs from poetic schlock about what an amazing parent the receiver is to "funny" ones thanking "mom" for putting up with me. None of these do me any good.

I'm not looking for something openly passive-aggressive like:

"Thanks for smoking while you were pregnant with me, asthma makes me a better person"

or

"I appreciate you letting my brother beat the crap out of me for my whole life, it made the transition to roller derby seamless"

But can't someone come up with something that's not so saccharine?

"Hey, it's Mother's Day, hope your day doesn't suck!"

or

"Have a nice Sunday! Talk to you on Christmas!"


Is that too much to ask?


*example: she sent me an email yesterday, some rant about my stepdad (whom she curiously referred to as "Sparky") and she signed the email with her first name. Not "Mom", her first name.