Monday, September 19, 2005

I feel violated... and not in the way that I like

I get home from work today to see the new Cosmopolitan waiting for me... and, as much as I'm beginning to hate Cosmo and everything it stands for (not to mention how much I hate having to look at Cameron Diaz's joker face on the cover) I have never been able to resist the call of a glossy, girly magazine.

I settle down on the couch with the periodical, to pick up a couple new hair tips, or "mattress moves so good he'll forget his name".

If there's anything that I can resist less than a shiny magazine, it's a perfume sample in a shiny magazine - I mean, in spite of the fact that I rarely, if ever, wear perfume, I might find the perfect scent that I can't live without, and Christmas is coming up... Plus, I'm morbidly curious about all those celebrity scents (in spite of the fact that every single one smells like whore-ass.)

So I'm flipping through pages and pages of ads for clothes I'd never wear and and the skankiest tips for picking up guys EVER and I get to the perfume-y section...

Paris Hilton perfume: um... it smells like a whore's birthday cake, sweet and more than a little like overripe pineapple.

Kimora Lee Simmons perfume: um... smells like a whore who would wear pleather, but it's got a cute pink bottle

Shania Twain perfume (I know, huh?): smells like... well, it's from Coty, it smells like a cheap whore

Jennifer Lopez perfume: no tester, but I'll assume it smells like untalented whore

Something new from Elizabeth Arden, which is, apparently what makes Catherine Zeta Jones irresistable to men (yeah, it's not that she's hot or anything, it's the perfume): not bad, but a little grown up for me

then I get to a perfume page with no words, just a photo of the back of a woman and rippling water. I crack open the tester thing a tiny bit and take a whiff - hmm, smells clean, like baby powder or shampoo or something. I cracked it open a little bit more to see who could possibly be trying to market something so light and non-whore-y

and

oh

mah

gawd

it wasn't a perfume ad at all -

it was an ad for Tampax -

I swear, I'm never reading Cosmo ever