Saturday, June 07, 2008

Dear Movie Theater Chains;

I've come up with a fabulous idea that is going to make you zillions of dollars and I'm asking nothing in return.

Here's my idea - are you ready?

Start by dividing your theater in half - everything from the cashiers to the concessions people to the actual theaters.

Then divide up your customers into assholes and people who just want to see a damn movie.

In case you're confused about who would fall into the "asshole" category, let me offer you a few examples:

• people who hold up the concession line because they don't know what they want (it's a fucking movie theater, they have popcorn and sodas, get your bucket and move on)
• people who take squirrelly infants and/or toddlers into "R" rated movies
• people who spend the entire movie checking their cell phone
• people with a hacking cough
• people who laugh at inappropriate times
• people who make out at family movies
• people who can't get over the fact that they're not in their own living room and insist upon providing their own fascinating commentary of "Oh man!", "holy shit!", "Did you see that?", "Ha!!!" and "OMIGOD, they're dancing! On a plane!"*

I'm sure you get the idea, right?

By dividing up the customers, you'll be able to provide the non-asshholes a better viewing experience, for which I'm sure they'd be happy to pay extra. And, really, the assholes would probably pay more without even knowing since they'll probably be on their cell phones the whole time.

If you'd look into something like this, I'd go to movies more often and I'm sure lots of other non-assholes would, too. (And we're really the people you want at your theater anyway, we're much more polite than the assholes).

Thanks,

me

*this guy was sitting behind me at "Iron Man" this afternoon.

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