Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dear My Landlord*

I know English isn't your first language, so let me help you out with a couple things -

First, "can I ask you a personal question" is an auspicious beginning to any conversation and sure to put the other person on the defensive. And then when it turns out you just need help attaching a document to an email, it seems kind of dumb. My mad computer skillz are not really that personal to me.

Second, to paraphrase Inigo Montoya - you keep saying "to make a long story short", I don't think that phrase means what you think it means. Whenever you say it, in fact, I know I'm in for at least another 30 minutes of chat. Unless, of course, the long version of the story begins with "and God said 'let there be a big bang'..." in which case, I guess, you should stick with it.

Third, mentioning your friend back in Bulgaria who is "the same age" as me, then saying "you know, 40" is NOT cool. Even when I am 39 years, 364 days old I will take umbrage at that.

Fourth, and this has nothing to do with language, but I don't need to know AAAAAANY of the details regarding how approximately seven seconds after you and your wife split, you hooked up with a woman "over 20 years younger". I mean, congrats on the upgrade and all, and your new chick seems nice, but... go ahead and keep those details to yourself, if you would.

And lastly, and this has nothing to do with language either, thank you for the huge box of strawberries that are so perfectly ripe I will have to eat them all today. Yum.

thanks a bunch,

me


*I initially typed "landLOLrd', which was kind of funny

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