Tuesday, February 22, 2011

In today's episode of bugs in inappropriate places...

So I'm standing in line at the post office* and I feel a little tickle in my clavicle area. In spite of my hair being up in a scraggly ponytail, I assume it's a stray hair  and I look down to see a spider land on my left boob**.

It's a small spider, but it's still a spider.

On my boob.

And I'm in public, in a room full of people, so I can't rip off my shirt and freak the fuck out.

I casually reach up and kind of flick at it - not wanting to kill it and smear spider guts on myself, but hoping to flick it hard enough that it gets the fuck away from me. Of course I succeed in knocking it all the way down into the crevice between my boobs.


And I didn't look at it enough to be able to identify the species, so now I'm silently freaking out because, not only is a spider touching me, it's disappeared in my boob cave and may or may not be getting ready to sink its poisonous teeth into one or both of my tatas. So I kind of quickly grope myself, then cross my arms and squish my boobs together.

I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it, trying not to molest myself too obviously, trying to shake out the bottom of my tank top, but its got that separate cami/boob compartment, so shaking out the bottom isn't going to do me any good at all... finally it's finally my turn at the counter.

I handle my transaction, shove my receipt into my pocket and walk out to my car in a conspicuously quick manner.

Once inside the car, I do a more thorough rack inspection and... can't find the little fucker.

Finally, after enough groping that I felt the need to buy myself a nice dinner, the little crumpled carcass fell out into my hand.

Then, and only then, did I take half a second to wonder where the hell it came from and how the hell it got on me. And if there were more. It looked like a baby spider, what if its siblings were lurking somewhere nearby? Or its mother? What if spiders are vengeful? And, seriously, where the fuck did it come from?

To get it out of my head, I went home, took the hottest shower I could stand and then ate espresso fudge ice cream for lunch. Much better.

*because I sold another print of one of my photos - w00t! And it's because of the blog! This makes a total of 3 pieces I've sold through my Etsy shop because of the blog - squeeee!

** I was too lazy to put on a bra so I was just wearing a tank top and a hoodie

And in case I haven't pimped out my etsy enough, here's a picture of my latest experimental embroidery (it's the only thing I could think of that was half as creepy as having a spider on my boob because I wanted to make it like a creepy sandwich)  -

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2 comment(s):

  • Ewww, and LOL at the same time. I feel like there should be an old-timey saying like "A spider on your chest/ this year will be the best!" or something. Yeah? No? Oh, hell. I don't know. I'm something of a moron.

    I'm really excited to get the print from your shop! I think I've picked out the frame I want to use already; just have to buy it after payday.

    LOVE that Gene Simmons embroidery. So friggin' creative! You rock.

    By Blogger Lisa, at 9:33 PM  

  • I kind of feel like everything completely random that happens should be a phrase that would be embroidered on a pillow - like the other day The Kid and I were walking out of a grocery store and saw a handful of raspberries on a stump and he asked if that was a saying - I could just imagine someone saying in a thick-ass Southern accent "ain't that some raspberries on a stump?"

    We should start these phrases, it could be a thing.

    By Blogger Veruca Salt, at 9:48 PM  

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