Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Juvenile much?
Yes, yes I am.Etsy has this new thing where you can make coupons for stuff and I always give free shipping to anyone I "know" from online who buys anything in my etsy shop* & ** but I've been doing it the lazy way and just refunding the money, but I finally decided to make a coupon.
You have to make your own code and, of course, the first thing to pop into my head was "boobs" - it's even funnier because the next message I got from etsy was***:
I feel like god. Or a plastic surgeon.
*that was a subtle plug, right? I mean, I didn't say "OMG GO BUY SOME OF MY JUNK" or anything, I just put it out there... Seriously, the point of this wasn't to pimp my stuff again, it was really because... boobs.
** check it out in a day or so because I'm redesigning it (and by "redesigning it" I mean "renaming it and paying the slowest designer in the world for a new banner thing") - **EDIT** check it out now because it's all new and fresh and stuff...
***also, I'm so proud that I FINALLY learned to make a screenshot
Labels: boobs
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
In today's episode of bugs in inappropriate places...
So I'm standing in line at the post office* and I feel a little tickle in my clavicle area. In spite of my hair being up in a scraggly ponytail, I assume it's a stray hair and I look down to see a spider land on my left boob**.It's a small spider, but it's still a spider.
On my boob.
And I'm in public, in a room full of people, so I can't rip off my shirt and freak the fuck out.
I casually reach up and kind of flick at it - not wanting to kill it and smear spider guts on myself, but hoping to flick it hard enough that it gets the fuck away from me. Of course I succeed in knocking it all the way down into the crevice between my boobs.
Fan-fucking-tastic.
And I didn't look at it enough to be able to identify the species, so now I'm silently freaking out because, not only is a spider touching me, it's disappeared in my boob cave and may or may not be getting ready to sink its poisonous teeth into one or both of my tatas. So I kind of quickly grope myself, then cross my arms and squish my boobs together.
I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it, trying not to molest myself too obviously, trying to shake out the bottom of my tank top, but its got that separate cami/boob compartment, so shaking out the bottom isn't going to do me any good at all... finally it's finally my turn at the counter.
I handle my transaction, shove my receipt into my pocket and walk out to my car in a conspicuously quick manner.
Once inside the car, I do a more thorough rack inspection and... can't find the little fucker.
Finally, after enough groping that I felt the need to buy myself a nice dinner, the little crumpled carcass fell out into my hand.
Then, and only then, did I take half a second to wonder where the hell it came from and how the hell it got on me. And if there were more. It looked like a baby spider, what if its siblings were lurking somewhere nearby? Or its mother? What if spiders are vengeful? And, seriously, where the fuck did it come from?
To get it out of my head, I went home, took the hottest shower I could stand and then ate espresso fudge ice cream for lunch. Much better.
*because I sold another print of one of my photos - w00t! And it's because of the blog! This makes a total of 3 pieces I've sold through my Etsy shop because of the blog - squeeee!
** I was too lazy to put on a bra so I was just wearing a tank top and a hoodie
And in case I haven't pimped out my etsy enough, here's a picture of my latest experimental embroidery (it's the only thing I could think of that was half as creepy as having a spider on my boob because I wanted to make it like a creepy sandwich) -
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Today
I saw- more pink office supplies than should exist
- a funeral with a mariachi band and a trillion balloons
- fog rolling in to entirely cover a playground
- a company called "In Home Decorating" (as opposed to? Interior decorators who call you to come pick up the paint and supplies they want you to use to decorate?)
I was
- poked, prodded, x-rayed and ultrasounded
- told that my "lump" was just a lipoma*, or benign fatty tumor
I realized
- breast center waiting rooms are easily the most depressing places ever
- "fatty tumor" may be a good thing, but it still sounds kinda ugly
- I wasn't really super duper worried since I have none of the risk factors, but it was still kind of stressy
I made
- black forest cupcakes that... kind of look like boobs
* seriously, don't look at the wikipedia or Google Images of that because... ew
Labels: boobs, I take pictures, suzy fucking homemaker
Monday, October 11, 2010
Priorities, schmiorities
so tomorrow II'm not supposed to wear any deodorant, lotion or perfume, and it's supposed to be kind of warm and I'm concerned that I'm going to get sweaty and gross. And then I'm sure I'm going to get stressed out about stinking, so I'm probably going to be in the middle of some x-ray room, half-nekkid and sweaty and gross - while having my boobs squished. Maybe I'll forget to brush my teeth, wear the glasses that make me look like a bug and wear my scroungiest pajamas so I can be as repellent as humanly possible.
Labels: boobs, I'm a jackass
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
if I were one of those freaks who Twittered her every move - my morning would look like this
8:54 - I really love the rain, but I really hate the way people in this state drive in the rain.9:05 - I love that my doctor's office always has good magazines in the waiting room.
9:08 - I hate that I'm never in the waiting room long enough to read any of their good magazines.
9:14 - holy crap, this mauve paper gown is so effing stylish. Wonder if I could snap a quick shot of myself in it before the nurse practicioner lady comes in.
9:18 - I wonder if there is a colony of artists who paint watercolor Southwest-themed paintings exclusively for doctor's offices. Damn that stuff is ugly.
9:25 - the magazines in here are significantly shittier than the ones in the waiting room. Like I want to read about the idiots on the Bachelorette or that family who has 19 kids.
9:27- I wonder if I could bust out my camera and take a couple pictures, there is always so much cool stuff in doctors' offices.
9:30 - Can't believe I'm reading a freaking People magazine with that family of crazy breeders on the cover.
9:37 - I wonder if they forgot about me. My appointment was at 9:10. Maybe I could just sneak out. Oh, wait, I'm the one who made the appointment.
9:47 - Made awkward small talk with the nurse practitioner lady while she groped my boob.
9:49 - Kind of glad she agreed that what I thought was a lump is a lump. I would have felt like an idiot if it wasn't.
9:51 - Even more glad that she's not concerned about aforementioned lump.
9:53 - She congratulated me on finding the lump. I briefly wonder if I should mention that I spend entirely too much time fondling myself - decide against it.
9:54 - She praised me for not panicking about it, even though I found it two weeks ago
9:55 - we had a nice little laugh about how it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month and how I should have just gotten one of those bracelets instead of the lump.
9:58 - she went back and forth over referring me to get a mammogram, but finally decided to since I'm "close enough to 40"
9:59 - appropriately took umbrage at having my age rounded up like that, we had a little laugh about how silly girls are about that
10:02 - as she's handing me the referral for the mammogram, she reminds me that it's "the one that squishes you"
10:03 - "the one that squishes you" as opposed to... "the one that offers you a bowl of tapioca pudding"?
10:05 - She didn't really need to put "lump" in quotes on the mammogram referral thing. That makes it sound like it was a Skittle I found in my bra or something.
10:06 - mmmmm, Skittles
10:08 - Totally taking a picture of myself in this awful paper thing now that I've got the room to myself. I look like the long lost white Pointer Sister.
10:09 - might as well get a shot for my photo-a-day blog thing.
10:14 - okay, people who smoke directly outside of the door of a building full of doctors' offices - or any building for that matter - can FUCK RIGHT OFF - especially when it's raining so the smoke stays there.
10:32 - no boob squishing appointment until next Tuesday? Well, I've spent two weeks "not panicking" about it, I guess another few days isn't going to matter all that much.
10:40 - damn, why didn't I get Skittles at the store?
Labels: boobs
Saturday, August 28, 2010
So I'm at my friend's daughter's wedding reception today, feeling very un-Mormon and very uncomfortable* and I see one of the waitresses heading towards our table with a bottle of something that looks suspiciously like wine - I generally don't drink wine, but I was totally willing to make an exception in this case... then she set the bottle down on the table and it was grape juice. DAMN!But the food was amazing (I will honestly die if I don't get to eat another strawberry/bleu cheese/spinach salad very soon), the setting was unbelievable, the bride and groom seem absolutely adorable and the wedding dj was appropriately goofy.
And my primary care physician was there (whut???), and so was the lieutenant governor of the state (whut whut????). But weirder than that was one of the groom's sisters who had quadruplets - 4 adorable boys with blond hair, blue eyes and bow ties on their little suits, they couldn't have been more than three-years old. I spent half the reception marveling at how she was able to look calm, cool and really pretty (like Jenny McCarthy with smaller boobs) with 4 little boys. Then I realized that she also had a younger daughter. How do you give birth to a litter of children - no matter how cute and blond - and then even consider putting out the "Open for Business" sign on your uterus ever again? If that were me, I would have gone home from the hospital after birthing that brood wearing a chastity belt.
And I wish I had pictures of this house, it looked like a hotel - it was bigger than the mall in town - and I had my camera with me, but since I don't really know the family, I didn't want to be the creepy person creeping around the grounds taking pictures. But here's a picture of the way up there -
*partly because I was around a bunch of people I didn't know and partly because I was wearing a dress I'd never worn before (it wasn't the dress I'd intended for the reception, but the cute flowered sundress I'd originally planned to wear decided it didn't want to cover up my spectacular rack and popped one of its skinny little straps right before we were getting ready to leave, and I didn't have time to bust out the thread and needle, so I changed into this cute wrap dress I got off of eBay - it's just as well, I suppose, I would have hated for my outfit to go all wardrobe-malfunction at the Mormon fest)
Labels: boobs, I take pictures, I'm a jackass
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
in case you were wondering...
if I email you to tell you I think it's inconsiderate for you to have brought two extra people with you when I invited you to dinner IN MY DREAM, the correct response is:"We totally should have called ahead to tell you we were bringing those people we met on Craigslist. Sorry about that. It won't happen again."
But you would probably only know that if we are related.
~~~~~~~~
in an unrelated note, today was my 100th day of posting on my photo blog thing, you should go check it out because I posted a picture of my spectacular new camera... and boobs... which is the only reason you're going to check it out, so, again... boobs...
Labels: boobs, dream a little dream, I take pictures, just sayin'
Friday, May 28, 2010
Pro-tip for the summer
If your ass is so lazy that you throw on that cute flowered tube top so you don't have to go to the "trouble" of putting on a bra AND a shirt to go to the grocery store, try to be mindful of the properties of said tube top and the laws of gravity when you're doing stuff like reaching over your head, k?Labels: boobs
Monday, May 24, 2010
hey, remember my photo-a-day blog?
I've been doing it for 50 days - can you believe anything has held my interest that long? Shocking, right? In honor of this auspicious occasion, here's a pic of my boobs (not really... well, kind of, but it's incidental... accidental - whatever, it's a cheap ploy to make you click the link - it's going to work, isn't it? You're too easy)Labels: boobs
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I've lived in this area for a bit over a year and every single day, I'm still amazed by what a beautiful place it is - and it really is - it's a gorgeous valley, filled with flowers and mountain views and stretches of open land that you wouldn't imagine exist in Southern California.Because I'm attempting to do that picture-a-day blog thing, sometimes, I have to get out and see a bit more of this lovely place.
Today, I drove out to Pirate's Cove, which is in Avila Beach, about 20 minutes from here - half of it is a n00d beach and the other half is the most beautiful and deserted place you can imagine - all dramatic cliffs, waves, rocks, seagulls, seals and plants.
Being the
oh, and apropos of nothing, gratuitous boob shot in one of my new t-shirts
*because it's a well-known nekkid beach, it's also known for having lots of... voyeurs (apparently, every year there is at least one story of a skeeve with binoculars falling off of a cliff because he's trying to check out the n00dists). Other than my precious Honda Element, every car in the parking area contained a slouched down, single guy, staring hopefully at every other car driving up in case it was a girl going to the nudie area - aside from the fact that it was super cold and windy and no one was going to be flashing their bits in that weather, have these guys never heard of the internet? Boobs-ahoy all from the comfort of your own laptop!
Labels: boobs, I take pictures
Monday, May 10, 2010
OMG YAY!!!!
I love love love love love getting mail - I mean, emails and texts are cool, but tangible, delivered mail, something to hold in your hands? It's like Christmas* - especially when said mail is a package and that package contains new clothes**.Yay for new t-shirts - thanks again, Jennifer!
(pics forthcoming, but not today as I have on no makeup and my hair is positively Bon Jovi video-esque)
*it really does take so little to make me squee with joy
** especially especially when those new clothes make my boobs look great!
Labels: boobs
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
crap, two non-snarky posts in a row?
Sorry about that.Um... boobs.
Labels: boobs
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Things that can fuck right off today
Me - for spending Saturday night Googling to find out how to remove tint from my car windowsMe (again) - for forgetting to eat breakfast 3 days out of the past week. Chips and guacamole at noon is not a balanced breakfast.
Avocados - I love them, but I was gifted 24 of them last week and I think I'm turning into one
My boobs - for getting smaller as a result of the jogging and other assorted exercise I've been doing lately
The sandy dirt from my yard - because it's EVERYWHERE in my house, no matter how many times I sweep it up, it's back.
The short kid on my kid's basketball team - for not being able to shoot a basket to save his life and for being dumb enough to try to bully the tallest kid on the team (my kid)(he's just lucky my child grew up with me, so has the patience of a saint and has yet to punch the little creep)
The letter "e" - Just because
Labels: boobs
Sunday, April 13, 2008
I had a dream where Dolly Parton was trying to kill me.
Of all of the celebrities in the world, isn't Dolly Parton pretty much the last person you'd expect to try to kill you? I mean, Gary Busey or Pink, sure, but Dolly Parton? Come on.Besides, I could totally take her, she's like four feet tall and her hair and boobs would make her all kinds of top-heavy.
Labels: boobs, dream a little dream
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
scattered after-practice thoughts
1) I bought a new deodorant the other day - I must have spent five full minutes in the deodorant aisle of Tar-jay sniffing deodorants in an effort to find the perfect scent (Why? I have no idea, the number of people with their noses buried in my pits hovers between zero and negative three). Usually, I go for something that smells like soap or fabric softener (so I can smell clean even when I'm not) but Secret had a bunch of new scents out and those threw quite the monkey wrench into the selection process. One of their scents was vanilla, which I usually go for, I like vanilla anything, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to smell like I was carrying around sugar cookies under my arms. Then I noticed a new pear scent. What a random scent - who thought "mmmm, I love the way pears smell, if only I could carry that smell around under my arms all day"? It wasn't really a pear-y smell, but it was kind of pleasant, so I got it. Today was my first day of wearing it and I decided that it didn't smell like pears, but it smelled like Christmas. It's not pine-y or fruitcake-y, but the smell reminds me of the holidays. I can't decide if I like that or not.2) My kid's school is closed tomorrow because of the threat of a tropical storm. That's a new one for me. I guess I have to keep him home canning vegetables and putting together a generator.
3) My league finally got t-shirts. I'd take a picture of just how great my boobs look in my new one (because they do) but there's that whole broken camera thing that vexes me so. Want a Savannah Derby Devil t-shirt? They're black and very cool with this logo on them. We're not selling them on the website yet, but I can hook you up for a mere $19 (including shipping and handling to anywhere in the continental US - I'd give them for free, but, come on, we're a new league, Nike isn't sponsoring us yet) email me (I'll even accept Paypal)
4) I mentioned to a pal the other day that, since joining Le Derby, I've become much less self-conscious and this became obvious to me this evening when we standing around after practice, ooohing and aaahing over the new t-shirts when I whipped off my shirt right in the middle of the parking lot to try on a shirt. I'll pretty much stand around anywhere with my shirt off because sportsbra uniboob is HOT.
I think that's it.
Labels: boobs
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Pet peeves of the day
1) Girls who like looking at their faces too much - you know these girls, the girls who own seventy-five framed pictures of themselves. The ones who are always performing and insist that you watch their every freaking move. What looks like hubris is actually naked insecurity (and, on many ocassions, naked boobs).2) Passive aggressive women who refuse to be candid - example - I'm the peon and I make the coffee every day - however, I'm a coffee snob, and I won't sink down to the level of Folgers (EVER), so I don't so much care about the coffee and this crazy woman at work will pour herself a mug, take a sip and say, loud enough for everyone to hear, "Wow, [other woman in the office] must have made this, I know she likes it strong..." and then when no one responds (she talks a lot, so she doesn't usually get a response). "Wow, this sure is strong, I'm gonna be bouncin' off the walls all day long!" - If she didn't insist on being a passive aggressive asshole, she could choose from one of two options:
- suck it the hell up, add more creamer and move the hell on with her life
- kindly say "I know you don't drink the coffee here, but I would appreciate it if you didn't make it so strong that it gives me day-long diarreah."
3) The fact that I, for some unknown reason, can't seem to force myself to make contact with anyone whom I don't see every day at work or skate with three times a week - I swear, what's wrong with me?
Labels: boobs
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Oh how the mighty have fallen mellowed
So, tonight, my husband and son had tickets for a baseball game and I had the entire house to myself.I'd like to say that I invited over some hot derby chicks and sat around talking about our boobs, watching porn and drinking martinis out of paper cups, but that's not true. The best I could do was take a bath, stick a bag of frozen peas down my pants (remind me to thank the coach for those falling drills), watch the first hour of "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" (while waiting for "American Idol" to come on), eat an ice cream cone and drink two beers that the last owners of the house left behind. I'm telling you, I'm a wild woman, don't try to stop me, I might even break into the Chex Mix.
Whooooo
Labels: boobs
Friday, March 17, 2006
Reason #44 why Savannah is awesome
Today is St. Patrick's Day -St. Patrick's Day is, apparently, a big freaking deal here - like huge - like Christmas big - seriously, businesses close, neighborhoods decorate, it's all they talk about on news.
Savannah is awesome because I've seen and heard no less than 4 reminders to "not urinate or expose [myself] in public" because police will be enforcing the appropriate laws.
And here I was thinking that St. Patrick's Day was the one day of the year when I could finally flash my boobs AND take a pee on a public street at the same time*.
*no, I hadn't quite worked out the semantics of it yet
Labels: boobs
Friday, January 20, 2006
Not for the faint of heart... or boys
tampons, tampons, tampons.... (okay, are we rid of the boys yet?)Yesterday, I was rearranging the 632 75% empty shampoo and conditioner bottles in my bathroom cabinet* when I happened to glance at the back of the box of tampons I bought the other day.
In a friendly font, in no less than 3 languages, it told me that "now" I can run and jump and play while wearing them...
Did I miss something? Unless I've haven't been paying attention, tampons are really just wads of cotton, not spiked steel rods. Were tampons previously so complicated that we were supposed to insert one and remain in the same position for a few hours?
Or is this the 14th century and it's still considered "the curse" and we're supposed to put on a burqa and lock ourselves in a basement for 5 or so days?
And, like I'm not hormo-tional enough at this moment, now I need my tampon box pressuring me to gallivant around like I'm in the cast of "Cats"? What the hell?
We now return to our slightly more boy-friendly format: boobs, boobs, boobs
* I have this OCD fear of running out of shampoo and conditioner so when I'm about 3/4 of the way done with my current pair, I have to run out and buy more... then I'm so excited to try the new stuff, the old stuff is relegated to the cabinet.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Panties & Boobs
Panties, panties, pantiesBoobs, boobs, boobs
That is all
Labels: boobs