Thursday, March 31, 2011

What the fuck, California?

Less than a week after I finally got tired of vacuuming the dog hair that kept getting caught under the legs of the 2 fans we have in the house and decided to relocate them to the garage because, for fuck's sake, it's March, there's no way I'm going to need a damn fan for at least a couple months, it was nearly 90 damn degrees today.

NOT.
OKAY.

Last week, it was chilly enough to require me to dig my favorite red sweater out of the hamper to go over the strapless shirt I was going to wear somewhere and this week, it's like I'm living in fucking Phoenix.

Even a mid-day trip to the beach did not help me cool down.

(I did get to see some cute little seals and seeing wildlife in their natural environment always makes me all squee)

Labels: first world problems

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Sometimes I get shit for being a bit particular about grammar and punctuation

People think that stuff doesn't matter.

But here is a great example of extremely important punctuation.



Because a comma would have been the difference between Rachael Ray, the devoted family member and Rachael Ray, the cannibal.

Labels: unrepentant grammar snob

Friday, March 25, 2011

so I'm waiting for my order in the lobby of this new-ish Chinese restaurant and I find myself staring at their liquor selection and thinking "one of these things is not like the others":


but you've really got to applaud the restaurant for catering to the value-conscious consumers. I wonder if they serve shots of cough syrup, too.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Juvenile much?

Yes, yes I am.

Etsy has this new thing where you can make coupons for stuff and I always give free shipping to anyone I "know" from online who buys anything in my etsy shop* & ** but I've been doing it the lazy way and just refunding the money, but I finally decided to make a coupon.

You have to make your own code and, of course, the first thing to pop into my head was "boobs" - it's even funnier because the next message I got from etsy was***:


I feel like god. Or a plastic surgeon.



*that was a subtle plug, right? I mean, I didn't say "OMG GO BUY SOME OF MY JUNK" or anything, I just put it out there... Seriously, the point of this wasn't to pimp my stuff again, it was really because... boobs.

** check it out in a day or so because I'm redesigning it (and by "redesigning it" I mean "renaming it and paying the slowest designer in the world for a new banner thing") - **EDIT** check it out now because it's all new and fresh and stuff...

***also, I'm so proud that I FINALLY learned to make a screenshot

Labels: boobs

Monday, March 21, 2011

I've got a reasonable vocabulary and I'm not afraid to use it

Apparently, in addition to "dork", I'm adding "total nerd" to my resume

I've started trash talking during online word games. Yesterday, I told some guy to "get that weak stuff out of here" when he was unable to form a word longer than four letters (he resigned shortly thereafter) and today when some guy threatened a rematch after I trounced him, I instructed him to "bring it".

Although, I do reserve the right to completely ignore any and all all conversation from women with twee usernames like "Tim's Wifey" or "Brandy <3s Josh" because... really, get a fucking personality.

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me", I'm a jackass, unrepentant grammar snob

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Most Ill-Equiped Grown Up EVER

The other day, The Kid asked if he could have a couple friends come over on Saturday.

The thought of people coming into my house strikes fear into my gut because

1) I hate am not a fan of having other people in my house
and
2) I have to clean

But I feel bad about The Kid being an only child and I try to encourage him to be a non-hermit, so I said it was fine.

Saturday arrives and I buy snacks and make cookies and pizza and the usual "mom" stuff - then it turns out that both the kids are going to spend the night.

Ugh.

They're nice kids and all get along and have tons in common with The Kid and I'm totally fine with kids being here, but we don't have a guest room or guest bed or futon or inflatable mattress or any of that stuff. So I tear through the linen cabinet and turn up 4 pillows (at least 3 of which have been dog chewed), an old feather comforter, 4 small blankets (like the size you keep on the couch to keep your feet warm), 2 child-sized sleeping bags and 1 normal-sized sleeping bag (which has been dog chewed).

I guess, for kids, it will be okay, one of them can sleep on The Kid's bed and the other two can make little blanket/sleeping bag nests on the floor, but if any of y'all plan to come to visit... I can recommend a nearby hotel, mmmkay? Because I'm a terrible hostess*.



*Not a terrible hostess? My stepmom - when my sister, brother and I went to Florida in January to see our stepmom, she had beds ready with fresh sheets, fresh piles of towels, fresh washcloths, extra toothbrushes, extra saline solution (and she doesn't even wear contacts) and anything else one could need - she was better equipped than a freaking hotel and this was about a week after her husband had died. It's like I'm still waiting to get the notification in the mail that I finally qualify as a grown-up.

Labels: suzy fucking homemaker

Friday, March 18, 2011

in case anyone was wondering

what I purchased while under the influence of Ambien...


It was actually on my etsy wishlist for a while - among the many reasons why I like it:

• it's well done
• look at that adorable frame
• it's wildly inappropriate, but in a quiet, private-joke kind of way
• it's a line from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" 
• "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" featured one of my major girl crushes, Mila Kunis
• "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" featured the future father of my future children, Jason Segel

Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, random pop culture reference

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I effing love food puns

(Yay for Trader Joe's.)

I also love corned beef - cooked all day until it's all tender and falling apart - some cute baby potatoes and mushy (in a good way) carrots on the side - yum.

Labels: suzy fucking homemaker

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me", suzy fucking homemaker

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

2 things

1) I like iceberg lettuce

2) some days, playing "Words with Friends"* against random strangers on my iPod is about as much human interaction as I can handle.





*and, yes, I do see the irony of being friendless and playing a game called "Words with Friends", in fact, it's one of the reasons why I was initially hesitant about downloading it. But it turns out that I kick all kinds of ass at it, so there is that.

Monday, March 14, 2011

okay, either the check out section of the site from which I'm ambienly trying to purchase something is being straight up wonky, or my hands are currently made of nothing but cotton candy and maybe a gummi bear coating.

Surprisingly, etsy shopping takes about 75 bajillion times longer under the influence of zolpidem. Fuck, writing that sentence (which I originally typed as "sandwich") took 75 bajillion times longer than anything ever should take,

I wonder if I could get a zolpidem patch and just feel like this all the time, like sooooooooper sloooooowed down and a little bit jumpy by the clowns and fat tourists I keep seeing out of the corner of my eyes... okay, that part would suck... perhaps I didn't think this one through all the way...

Labels: and I'm not even on Ambien, just kidding I totally am

Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Kid: Hey, Jersey Shore is on, can we watch that?

Me: no

The Kid: Why not?

Me: Because god kills a kitten every time you watch it

The Kid: You have no proof of that

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And speaking of useless people being rewarded for being on their worst behavior, can we please stop paying attention to Charlie Fucking Sheen? He's an unstable douche with a history of drug use and violence towards women, why is anyone encouraging him to do anything but seek mental help? I mean, I know, as Americans, we're morally obligated to wallow in the schadenfreude, but it's not even funny anymore, it's just kind of sad.

Labels: adventures in shitty parenting, random pop culture reference

Friday, March 11, 2011

That is the correct answer, Sir

Me: OMG, me and my creepy Gene Simmons embroidery thing are going to be the featured artist and project for the embroidery section of this craft website*!!!

The Kid: Do you get anything for it?

Me: Just the warm fuzzy feeling that comes from knowing I'm awesome.

The Husband: Except that we already knew that.



*yes, I'm a member of a craft website (and more than one doll website), shut up, I've already admitted that I'm a dork

Labels: "awesome" ends with "me", suzy fucking homemaker

Monday, March 07, 2011

This just in -

I'm a total dork.

that is all.

Labels: just... why?

Friday, March 04, 2011

Dear Flotsam and Jetsam of Walmart

I have accepted that, while I'm living in this tiny little hamlet, I will have to shop at that wretched store for some items*, but I'd like to let you guys know that the following things exist:

1) Parking space lines (that way I won't consider "accidentally" hitting your vehicle with the door of mine as I'm wedging myself into mine)

2) Personal Space (that way you won't run into me when I pause to go down an aisle. Also, the hair on the back of my neck won't singe from your 10AM stale beer and cigarette breath)

3) DEODORANT (that way I won't have to smell you from two aisles over)

4) Other People (that way I won't have to say "excuse me" three times [twice politely and once kind of sarcastically] before you finally move your cart and your ass out of the way so I can get to the shower curtain liners.)

Thanks a heap,

me


*today it was a toaster - I got grossed out cleaning out the one we have and needed another one and it's just a toaster, I didn't need one designed by Michael Kors or whomever else Target has kidnapped and forced to work in their sweatshop.

Labels: letter to